just_another_dick's_opinion

Law & Order

2012-02-14T10:12:00.000-08:00

Interesting morning. Woke up to find a SWAT team & the Sheriff's Dept. at every door. I walked on to the porch & a big Sheriff's deputy stuck a photo in my face and said "Is Jeff here?"
In my typical erudite fashion I said "Should he be?"
The Sheriff repeated his query.
While rechecking the form with the Jeff's photo on it, I noticed that the address was 950.
My address is 930.

Understandable mistake.

If you're fucking blind.

There's this weird contraption in my front yard that some people know as "a mailbox."
On this "mailbox" are really big numbers that say

930.

I suppose the cops didn't bother looking at my home's address, relying instead on their razor sharp cop-like instincts.

Just further fuel for my theory that TV always portrays cops as uber caring & competent heroes because that's the myth we ache to believe. Mainly because we've become a nation of big crybaby sissies.

The truth is that cops are probably as competent & caring as the rest of us. Which is pretty fucking scary when you factor in all those big fucking guns.

YEA AMERICA!

GO TEAM!

The Lighter Side Of 2000 Year Old Jewish Mythology

2012-02-13T06:55:00.000-08:00

The Vatican's timing was ironic. While Roman Catholic bishops in the U.S. were trying to revive their moral and political clout last week by battling President Obama over contraception coverage and religious liberty, a papally endorsed symposium was underway in Rome on how the Church has to change if it wants to prevent sexual abuse crises, the very tragedy that has shriveled the stature of Catholic prelates worldwide over the past decade, especially in the U.S. One monsignor at the Vatican gathering even suggested the hierarchy had been guilty of "omertà," the Mafia code of silence, by protecting abusive priests.
The Roman forum was a reminder -- and the birth control clash is turning out to be one as well -- of just how much influence the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has lost in the 10 years since the abuse crisis erupted in America. It hopes that its protest of a new federal rule requiring religiously affiliated institutions like Catholic hospitals and universities to provide no-cost contraception in their health insurance coverage, even if church doctrine forbids birth control, will help restore the bishops' relevance. They did win a partial victory last Friday when Obama, acknowledging the uproar, said those institutions would no longer have to pay for the contraception coverage themselves. But the President did not fully genuflect: The compromise will still oblige religious-based employers to offer the coverage, while their insurance providers foot the bill.

Seriously...

2012-01-29T20:47:00.000-08:00

Iran could develop a nuclear bomb in about a year and create the means for delivery in a further two to three years, the US defense chief said Sunday, reiterating President Barack Obama's determination to halt the effort.

"The United States -- and the president's made this clear -- does not want Iran to develop a nuclear weapon," Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told the CBS program "60 Minutes."

"That's a red line for us. And it's a red line obviously for the Israelis so we share a common goal here."

Panetta maintained that US officials "will take whatever steps are necessary to stop it" if Washington receives intelligence that Iran is proceeding with developing a nuclear weapon.

Asked if that meant military action, he said: "There are no options that are off the table."

Panetta told the interviewer that "the consensus is that, if they (Iran) decided to do it, it would probably take them about a year to be able to produce a bomb and then possibly another one to two years in order to put it on a deliverable vehicle of some sort in order to deliver that weapon."

In a report issued in November, the International Atomic Energy Agency said intelligence from more than 10 countries and its own sources "indicates that Iran has carried out activities relevant to the development of a nuclear device."

It detailed 12 suspicious areas such as testing explosives in a steel container at a military base and studies on Shahab-3 ballistic missile warheads that the IAEA said were "highly relevant to a nuclear weapon program."

Iran rejected the dossier as based on forgeries.

The Islamic Republic has come under unprecedented international pressure since the publication of the report, with Washington and the European Union targeting its oil sector and central bank.

In his State of the Union message Tuesday, Obama said a peaceful outcome was still possible with Iran over its nuclear ambitions, but he declined to rule out the military option.

"The regime is more isolated than ever before; its leaders are faced with crippling sanctions, and as long as they shirk their responsibilities, this pressure will not relent," Obama said.

"Let there be no doubt: America is determined to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear weapon, and I will take no options off the table to achieve that goal," the president declared, triggering a standing ovation.

I've come to admire the continuum that is the American political landscape. No matter how the two "wings" publicly bicker and back bite, privately both parties collude to keep our national dinghy steadfastly on course towards the same shitty port.

Obama's Iran rhetoric doesn't appear to differ much from Bush's Iran rhetoric.

Of course, it's much more palatable when spouted by a "black Socialist liberal" like Obama, isn't it?

We love our palatable bullshit here in Porky Patriot Land. We gobble it up with gusto.
We don't even mind if our diet of tasty bullshit ends up having all the substance of a Breatharian barbecue. We quickly file it in a folder marked "What,Me Worry?," & then dispose of it in the nearest trash can.

Just witness how quickly we've forgotten the Cold War.

Anti-Soviet rhetoric was as bullshit laden as anti-Iranian rhetoric. For 50 years we were seconds away from annihilation at the hands of evil Russian Ahmadinejads wielding thousands of nuclear tipped ICBMs.
Yet, as early as the first days after 9/11, Bush was able to sputter about how "our oceans no longer protect us," as if all those Russian ICBMs never existed.

From what I can see, Iran is a much more efficacious threat than the Soviets ever were, simply because an Iranian boogie man would be easier to stomp into paste should it stupidly over inflate itself & believe our Iranian marketing team.
After all, that's how we like our "enemies" these days, isn't it? More talk than walk, with all the threatening substance of a movie villain.

Only 330 Shopping Days Till The Ahpuch Torch The Mall

2012-01-25T09:47:00.001-08:00

16:4 And the third angel poured out his vial upon the rivers and fountains of waters; and they became blood.

A drone pilot hobbyist in Dallas stumbled across a river of blood coming from a large meatpacking plant. The small drone plane had a camera equipped, which captured images of the red river, suspected of being made of pig blood from the plant.

AH-PUCH is the Ruler of MITNAL or Level 9 of the Underworld: the deepest and nastiest department of Mayan Hell.

Identified by the Aztecs with MICTLANTECUHTLI, the grinning God of Death, AH-PUCH is also known as God A, the first of the ALPHABET-GODS.

AH-PUCH likes to surface at night and skulk around in really scary mode. A putrefying corpse with an owl's head is his favorite outfit. Wishing to look the part he uses the eyes of the dead to add the finishing touches to his headgear. One of his nicknames is 'The Flatulent One', which is not something we care to investigate further.

The Flatulent One

For some reason AH-PUCH often has bells tied to his hair, but he is not being cute. What he does when he homes in on a victim is worse than you need to imagine...

There is only one way to escape his attentions. Howl! Shriek! Moan! Scream! Give it your best shot. Sound utterly convincing. AH-PUCH will then assume you are already being dealt with by some of his lesser demons. He will stop outside your door to sigh "Ah..." and pass by with a grim smile.

But AH-PUCH, the Lord of Death and Patron God of the number 10, will get you in the end. He uses MUAN, the evil bird of bad tidings, as his messenger. To this day the legend persists that when an owl screeches, someone nearby will die. If you hear a hoot, take a deep breath and count to 10.

Beware!!! The Flatulent One Can Even Make His Own Eyes Water

Meet The New Year, Same As The Old Year

2011-12-30T11:29:00.000-08:00

In honor of Wal-Mart's adoption of AC/DC's Back In Black as their TV ad background music, I thought the lyrics needed an update. (BTW, I'm not insinuating that the original lyrics were much to begin with.)

Back in linens
I sure ain't winnin'
I'm much too fat to do any sinnin'
Yes I got a wide caboose
And a credit card noose
That keeps me hangin' like a flypaper fly
The wife forgot her purse now I'm gonna cry
I got 9 kids
Their undies got skids
And they're using all the TP & it's drivin' me wild

'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
(Well) I'm back in Wal-Mart
Yes, I'm back in Wal-Mart

Back in the back
Of a '72 Cadillac
I wanna put a bullet in some rich boy's Lexus ass
Yes, I'm in a fix
& I got ticks
They've given me lyme disease & my balls really itch
Cause I'm back on the track
And I got plumber's crack
Nobody's gonna get me on another shopliftin' rap
So look at me now
I'm just passin' gas
Can't push too hard or I'll be browning my ass

'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
(Well) I'm back in Wal-Mart
Yes, I'm back in Wal-Mart

Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well I'm back in Wal-Mart
Yes I'm back in Wal-Mart

Hooo yeah
Ohh yeah
Yes I am
Oooh yeah, yeah Oh yeah
Back in now
Well I'm back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back
Back in Wal-Mart
Yes I'm back in Wal-Mart

Outta sight

My Computer Is An Overpriced Bullshit Shovel

2011-12-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

"Rogue" journalist Gary S. Bekkum has finely cracked the exquisitely crafted 911 nut.

A CIA document, based upon input from four military sources, predicted that a pilot from the Mideast, with a name that sounds like "Jerry, Gerard, or Geraldo," will "fly to Washington D.C. with the mission of crashing into the U.S. Capitol Building."

The CIA document is of interest primarily for two reasons:

There is the prediction of an event:

An "aircraft", will "fly to Washington, D.C. with the mission of crashing into the US Capitol building."

There is possible identification of the pilot:

The pilot, "not in the country as of 12 Dec 83, foreign, perhaps Iranian, speaks English and perhaps French ... Name may be or sound like Jerry, Gerard, or Geraldo."

The art of remote viewing is far from being an exact science. What is presented in the CIA document appears to be an analytical summary and interpretation of raw data provided by the viewers.

Ziad Jarrah (also sometimes spelled Jarrahi), is a name that might be considered to "sound like Jerry, Gerard, or Geraldo." Jarrah, a foreigner from Lebanon, was not Iranian, however at least one passenger on Flight 93 identified the terrorists as "Iranian looking." Jarrah was of Middle Eastern origin and spoke both English and French.

There you have it. A vague psychic image vaguely given 18 years before the 911 boom-boom-apalooza can now be classified as a "prediction."

I'm convinced.

I do take issue with the "name" angle though. I believe the psychic spies were much too accurate as paranormal paratweeters to make such an obvious gaff.

I postulate that the psychic spies were spot on with their name info. The spy in question quite obviously knew that the real mastermind behind the future catastrophe was a trio of terrorists. In other words, a veritable 3 Stooges of destruction.

Of course, these two are obvious choices given their long history of inflicting intellectual terrorism on generations of TV & movie watchers. The true mastermind was much more insidious & devious, going as far as having himself declared legally dead 6 years before the 911 attacks occurred. It was a brilliant gambit well played.

I give you the brains behind the day that changed America's diapers:

Now, to anyone familiar with the accusations that the Grateful Dead was a creation of U.S. intelligence, this won't be the least bit shocking.
Unsurprisingly, Jerry had also spent many years inflicting aural terrorism on masses of hippy wanna-bes too stoned to know that they were listening to one long subversive & horrific audio nightmare.

I know, from personal experience, that anytime I was forced by circumstance to listen to Jerry & his pals noodle on & on & fucking on, the only desire I was left with was the desire to blow shit up. Preferably the audio device that was exposing me to the musical horror that was causing my ears to bleed.

I can't help wondering what other Garcia programmed time bombs are just waiting for ignition.

After all, it's one small step from this:

to this:

Then again, given the amount of gray hair in that first photo, it might even lead to this:

It doesn't really matter though, does it? They're all terrorists. The tea drinkers & the Wall Street walkers are mirror images of the same ungrateful mob mentality that found a nightly home with Jerry & crew.

So take a friendly bit of advice children, be careful out there, the Internet conspiracy river is deep & muddy & there are many hidden currents that will suck you right in & right under.

&, whatever you do, don't ever ever ever eat this shit:

MK Ultra has apparently developed a bitching sweet tooth since the 50s.

BTW, thanks Gary. You're "rogue" journalism is definitely a valued asset much used here at DickCentral.™

Keep shoveling dude.

Mitt Romney Gets The Sought After Wiccan Endorsement

2011-12-14T21:38:00.000-08:00

"That's one of the things I like about him...he's been consistent since he changed his mind."

The sad news is that we're doomed. It doesn't matter in the least which phallus eventually inserts itself into the Oval Orifice, we're doomed. It could be a phallus with a nice leftward bend or it could be a phallus swerving to the right. It is all irrelevant. We're doomed.

The good news is that we've always been doomed. We are red white & blue shipmates on a continent sized Titanic that was retooled as an asylum-like Ship of Fools long ago. We babble & cavort and our leaders babble & cavort. All of us blissfully unaware that we've been submersed in our own bullshit since our slave holding Founding Fathers rambled on incoherently about equality while Rastus picked the cotton, served the vittles, & occasionally offered up his hotter daughter for the occasional bout of Venus mound flag planting.

The trick to being a good American seems to revolve around one's adeptness at convincing oneself that the bullshit one is spewing out & drowning in is really the rarest ambrosia. Those true adepts who master this process of turning poop filled nappies into nectar quickly ascend out of the herd, attaining leadership roles &, in some instances, eventual enshrinement amongst our national heroes.

Really, you can look anywhere, & you'll see bullshit.

Enshrined bullshit.

Lumps of bullshit held aloft on pedestals of ass gas & toilet paper.

Reagan was one.

Kennedy was another.

The Founding Fathers have managed that rarest of feats by becoming enshrined as a group. Their collective bullshit fussed over & fingered as if it were a field of dazzling gold nuggets.

So don't ever waste time on nostalgia.

That's bullshit too.

Our leaders have always been full of shit.

But so have we.

Together, we're a match made in heaven.

By a lunatic God.

On an eternal bender & sloshed to His God-like gills.

Very Cool

2011-12-07T11:30:00.000-08:00

There you have it. A coronal mass ejection has revealed the summer home of our Reptilian Overlords. The Lizard King, when pressed for details of their "cloaking device" had this to say, "I am the Lizard King. I can do anything."

More details as they uncloak.

The Lizard King

Yahoo! Fair & Balanced Reporting

2011-12-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning I saw this lovely news story on my home page.

Suicide is on the increase in rural America--nowhere so much as in western mountain states like Idaho, Wyoming and New Mexico. Mental health professionals attribute it in part to cutbacks in Medicaid funding, to the recession and to the culture of the rural West.

In Idaho, somebody kills himself every 35 hours, according to a 2009 report to Idaho's governor by the state's Council on Suicide Prevention. Their report calls suicide "a major public health issue" having a "devastating effect" on Idaho's families, churches, businesses and even schools: 65 students aged 10 and 18 killed themselves in a recent five-year period.

Recently, a county sheriff in Bonneville told the Idaho Falls Post Register that his department was getting more suicide calls than in 2010—a year in which 290 Idahoans took their own lives. "We're in a spike right now," he says.

Historically the suicide rate in rural states has been higher than in urban ones. According to the most recent national data available, Alaska has the highest rate, at 24.6 suicides per 100,000 people. Next comes Wyoming (23.3), followed by New Mexico (21.1), Montana (21.0) and Nevada (20.2). Idaho ranks 6th, at 16.5. Suicide is the second-leading cause of death for Idahoans aged 15-34. Only accidents rank higher.

Kathie Garrett, co-chairman of the Idaho Council on Suicide Prevention, says the problem has gotten only worse since the recession. "The poor economy and unemployment—those put a lot of stress on people's lives," she explains. To save money, people skip doctor visits and cut back on taking prescribed medications. Cuts in Medicaid have reduced the services available to the mentally ill.

"I personally know people who lost Medicaid who've attempted suicide," says Garrett.

Reductions in funding have led to the closing of mental health offices, she says. Such closings mean more in Idaho than they would, say, in Manhattan, where a therapist can be found on every block. Before the cuts and closings, somebody in Idaho seeking therapy might have had to drive 160 miles to find it.

By late afternoon, this bit of crybaby Socialism was countered with this bit of trivia.

A Seattle woman who is receiving welfare assistance from Washington state also happens to live in a waterfront house on Lake Washington worth more than a million dollars.

Federal agents raided the home this weekend but have not released the woman or her husband's name because they have not officially been charged with a crime.

However, federal documents obtained by KING 5 News show the couple currently receives more than $1,200 a month in public housing vouchers, plus state and government disability checks and food stamps. They have been receiving the benefits since 2003.

The 2,500 square-foot home, which includes gardens and a boat dock, is valued at $1.2 million. And even though the couple has been receiving the benefits for nearly 10 years, records show that they accurately listed the address of their current home when applying for the state and federal benefits.

A federal official told KING 5 that the couple likely took advantage of a loophole, which allows low-income individuals to receive financial assistance to help them pay their rent and move away from housing projects. However, the law does not require officials to verify what type of home the benefits recipient is living in.

As if the million dollar home weren't enough, the supposedly low-income couple also gave money to various charities and traveled around the world to locales in Turkey, Tel Aviv and resort towns in Mexico, according to court records.

I'm a bit conflicted by all of this. On the one hand, I can't help but applaud someone who successfully scams our dipshit system in a such a big way. We deserve to be scammed.
On the other hand, I'm well aware that folk like this are used as poster children to justify the dismantling of any remaining social safety net.

It's as if they're saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know these social programs are necessary for thousands of people, but we're occasionally scammed. That's not tolerable. We want perfection."

So they toss the baby out with the bath water & feel perfectly justified in doing it.
After all, one shiftless scofflaw is worth thousands of needy people, right?

It's too bad society doesn't apply the same NEW MATH to other areas of society.
Like Banking fer instance...
Or Corporate Theology...
Or Capitalism...

Personal Shit That I'm Making Public Because I Have A Narcissistic Need To Publicly Air My Dirty Laundry Much Like The Internut Wankers I Belittle

2011-12-04T23:10:00.000-08:00

On Nov. 26, 2008, then Bank of America Corp. Chief Executive Officer Kenneth D. Lewis wrote to shareholders that he headed “one of the strongest and most stable major banks in the world.” He didn’t say that his Charlotte, North Carolina-based firm owed the central bank $86 billion that day.

(One has to love the versatility of Keifer Sutherland. First he fought Middle Eastern terrorism in "24," then he shilled for economic terrorism in "2011.")

Bank Of America is my own personal obsession. It is almost 2 years since B of A commenced foreclosure proceedings on my mother's house. They were seeking to recoup $60 thousand plus in loans by taking a house worth about $20,000. Add to that the $77,000 + it costs for the average foreclosure, & we're talking about a ball park figure of a little over $140,000.

Let's try a little math.

$20,000 ≠ $140,000

Nor will $20,000 ever equal $140,000.

Maybe that's the real secret of banking. Maybe banker's have access to some arcane mathematical formula that allows one to make $20,000 magically equal $140,000.

Or, better yet, maybe they're really alchemists who have discovered the fabled philosopher's stone, possession of which allows the owner to translate shit into silver sheckels.

Maybe it isn't really a stone at all. Maybe it's a Golem-like homunculus, assembled by mixing sputum with sphagnum moss & semen & plain old mud, then animated with a small piece of paper inscribed with the secret name of Alan Greenspan shoved deeply into it's mouth. This magical being could then provide access to the land where 2 + 2 = -4,683,000, up is sideways & black is really lavender with attitude.

Whatever the truth, banking has now replaced televangelism as #1 on my "Career paths I wish I would have taken" list.

2 Golem-like Homunculi Caught Devouring The Souls Of The Unborn

$7.7 Trillion Buys A Lot Of Middle Fingers

2011-12-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

Read it and weep.

The amount of money the central bank parceled out was surprising even to Gary H. Stern, president of the Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis from 1985 to 2009, who says he “wasn’t aware of the magnitude.” It dwarfed the Treasury Department’s better-known $700 billion Troubled Asset Relief Program, or TARP. Add up guarantees and lending limits, and the Fed had committed $7.77 trillion as of March 2009 to rescuing the financial system, more than half the value of everything produced in the U.S. that year.

“TARP at least had some strings attached,” says Brad Miller, a North Carolina Democrat on the House Financial Services Committee, referring to the program’s executive-pay ceiling. “With the Fed programs, there was nothing.”

Rigorous Damage Control Will Be Underway Soon

2011-11-30T09:56:00.000-08:00

I suppose this is the downside of credulous acceptance of Internut conspiracy theories. I'd imagine this therapist has made the rounds of all the SRA sites on the web. Wouldn't be a bit surprised if he hunkered down at RI on occasion. I also imagine that the RI-ers are furiously trying to debunk this ladies claims. I doubt that Jeff & crew will be rigorous enough to admit that their pet obsession is pure bunkum.
True believers rarely allow anything to inconveniently derail what they've spent so much time defending. After all, no one likes to look foolish.

A psychologist accused of hypnotizing a woman into believing she possessed multiple personalities and participated in satanic rituals may be sued by several others who say they were also told they had been a part of a satanic cult, according to a Missouri attorney.

Lisa Nasseff, 41, of Saint Paul, Minn., is suing her former therapist, Mark Schwartz, and the Castlewood Treatment Center in St. Louis, Mo., where she received 15 months of treatment for anorexia, according to the complaint.

Instead of improving, the lawsuit alleges Nasseff suffered "great physical pain and suffering and anguish" during her time at the facility, and asserts that she will continue to suffer.

"She was hospitalized multiple times," Nasseff's lawyer, Kenneth Vuylsteke, told ABCNews.com. "One time she tried to commit suicide … she's done much better now that she's been away from there."

The complaint alleges Nasseff's therapist, Mark Schwartz, "carelessly and negligently hypnotized [Nasseff]" while she was under the influence of "various psychotropic medications" to treat depression and anxiety. The hypnosis allegedly created false memories, including the belief that she was "a member of a satanic cult and that she was involved in or perpetrated various criminal and horrific acts of abuse."

One of those acts included "sacrificing her sister's baby on the altar of Satan," according to Vuylsteke.

Nasseff "was in a highly vulnerable physical and mental state due to her pre-existing eating disorder," according to the complaint.

The lawsuit also alleges Schwartz "persuaded and convinced [Nasseff] to become increasingly isolated from her family and friends by leading her to believe said persons were involved in a satanic cult and that they had been and would continue to sexually abuse her and force her to engage in criminal acts and horrific abuse of others."

But then other women receiving treatment at the facility began to realize their stories were very similar to one another's, Vuylsteke said.

"She got together with other women who had been through this with her at Castlewood. And they said, 'How can we all have been members of cults and not know it -- two years ago, three years ago? We all got brainwashed? It can't be right."

Now "multiple individuals" are speaking out about Castlewood, and backing Nasseff's account of what took place there, Vuylsteke added.

"We've got other cases we're looking at right now," Vuylsteke told ABCNews.com, adding the alleged victims' stories, all involving women, look "remarkably similar."

At this stage, he declined to say exactly how many women are claiming false memory implantation.

"All I can tell you is it's several. We're in the process of evaluating them right now," he said.

Schwartz, the therapist who treated Nasseff at Castlewood and still serves as the facility's clinical co-director, denied ever hypnotizing Nasseff.

"We don't use hypnosis," said Schwartz, who told ABCNews.com he has not yet retained a lawyer. "It's usually exposure therapy where the person is exposed to the memories of their trauma in various ways in order to move beyond it … A person is avoiding the memories and the feelings [associated with those memories] so you have them begin to talk about it in a safe way, that's not re-victimizing."

He also said he had never discussed satanic cults with Nasseff, and she had never told him she committed any criminal acts.

"I don't know anything about all that," he said.

He did confirm she had been given anti-depressants and that they had discussed "sexual trauma," but "the details I don't even remember."

"She reported abuse history, we dealt with it, she got a lot better, and now she's suing us," he said.

"Emotionally it hurts. You give everything you have to these clients and you really care about them. When they file a lawsuit it really stings."

On the Castlewood website, it states the treatment center's staff specializes in several areas, including hypnosis.

Castlewood Treatment Center did not respond to an interview request from ABCNews.com, but the executive director of the facility, Nancy Albers, told Courthouse News Service, "We strongly believe that all of these claims are without merit and we intend to defend these claims vigorously."

Implanted Memories at Castlewood?

According to the complaint, Nasseff stayed at Castlewood for about eight months, beginning in July of 2007. She later returned to the clinic in Mary of 2009 for an additional seven months of treatment before leaving the facility in December that same year.

In October of 2010, Schwartz allegedly contacted Nasseff, according to the lawsuit, and "told her if she did not return to Castlewood Treatment Center for additional psychological counseling and treatment she would most assuredly die from her eating disorder."

One year later, in October 2011, the complaint alleges Schwartz left Nasseff a telephone message saying her lawsuit would expose her multiple rapes, and her "membership in a satanic cult" as well as the individuals who were also members.

When asked about that phone call, Schwartz told ABCNews.com he had called Nasseff to say, "I'm worried about this because you told me a lot of information that is very, very confidential. When you file a lawsuit it all comes out, and it's a lot of secrets that you told me."

"It was really just concern," he said. "When people go to a therapist they expect confidentiality and privacy. It just breaks my heart that … she said a lot of horrible things that are going to come out."

The lawsuit claims Nasseff was "singled out and targeted" based, in part, on her "ability to pay for long-term continuous inpatient services."

She is now seeking $650,000 for the "medical, counseling and therapy treatment expenses" she incurred as a result of the alleged treatment, and $350,000 for non-economic costs, Vuylsteke said.

Vulnerable Patients Susceptible to Implanted Memories

Nasseff's lawyer, Vuylsteke, admitted he was skeptical when he first heard about Nasseff's case.

But then he met her in person.

"Lisa … is a highly intelligent individual," he said. "When I spoke with her I understood then what happened and what she had to work through to come to the realization that all of this was implanted."

He was further convinced after speaking with Bill Smoler, a prominent attorney from Madison, Wis., who is well-regarded among false memory experts. In January Smoler won a $1 million verdict for the parents of a girl who accused them of abuse after receiving inpatient therapy, and will be joining Nasseff's case as co-counsel, Vuylsteke said.

There's no credible scientific evidence that the human brain can store "repressed memories," according to University of California at Irvine professor Elizabeth Loftus, one of the country's foremost experts on false memory.

But psychologists have demonstrated it's possible to implant memories.

"In my research we plant false memories in the minds of people in order to study the process," she said. "There have been hundreds of cases … where people have gone into therapy and were led to believe they were molested."

It's a problem that emerged in the '80s and '90s, according to the False Memory Foundation, an organization founded in 1992 after a spate of cases where adults claimed to have uncovered "repressed memories" of childhood sexual abuse during therapy sessions. The revelations, however, weren't true.

"They were just exploding at that time," said False Memory Foundation co-founder Pamela Freyd, adding that the cases often involved inpatients participating in both hypnosis and support groups while on medication.

Chris Barden, a psychologist and attorney based in Minnesota was at the helm of many of those cases.

"During the 1990s I conducted more lawsuits against 'recovered memory' therapists than, I believe, any other lawyer in the world … for a total near 300 in over 30 states," he told ABCNews.com. "I won all but one of them."

The False Memory Foundation website states false memories "can result from the influence of external factors, such as the opinion of an authority figure or information repeated in the culture. An individual with an internal desire to please, to get better or to conform can easily be affected by such influences."

For intelligent, creative people with imaginations, Freyd said, "it may be easier for them to conjure up the kinds of images that develop in this kind of environment." But anyone seeking therapy is already in a vulnerable position, she added, and susceptible to persuasion.

"You believe the person you are seeing is an expert who will help you return to normal, you are going to try to do what this expert says needs to be done," said Freyd. "And if an expert says you need to recover memories, people who want to get better or be sure they're doing what the doctor says will work in that direction."

Steven Lynn, a memory expert and professor of psychology at Binghamton University in New York, told ABCNews.com it's possible to implant "all kinds of things."

"There's research showing you can implant memories of witnessing a demonic possession," he said.

Schwartz denied having implanted Nasseff's memories, but he did say he practices exposure therapy, which is typically used as treatment for people who have PTSD, according to Lynn.

"The idea is that you present the person with imagined themes that have occurred in the past that tend to bring forth anxiety and symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder," Lynn said. "So by repeating exposure to the theme people learn how to not be so afraid of the situation they were formerly fearful of."

Exposure therapy can yield positive results in the right setting. But if someone has not actually been exposed to the traumatic event they're asked to re-imagine, exposure therapy can have a much different effect, Loftus said.

"If you take a group of women who have been raped and have them contemplate their legitimate rape experience then pretty soon many of them will be able to think about it without feeling as much emotion and pain," said Loftus. "But if you're exposing somebody to something that didn't happen then something completely different is going on."

Fuck God

2011-11-25T16:45:00.001-08:00

Critics of President Obama felt little holiday cheer after the president did not thank God in his Thanksgiving-themed weekly Internet address. They immediately took to Twitter and the Internet to voice anger and disbelief.
"Holy cow! Is that one screwed up or what?" columnist Sherman Frederick of the Las Vegas Review-Journal wrote in a Thanksgiving-morning blog post.
"Somebody ought to remind Obama (and his speechwriter) that when Americans sit down around a meal today and give thanks, they give thanks to God."
Over on the website of Fox News Radio, radio host Todd Starnes also took issue.
"His remarks were void of any religious references, although Thanksgiving is a holiday traditionally steeped in giving thanks and praise to God," Starnes wrote.
"The president said his family was 'reflecting on how truly lucky we truly are,'" Starnes said. "For many Americans, though, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on how blessed and thankful they are."

He forgot Ganeesh too. The bastard. From what I understand, Zeus is also pissed. As is Odin, Mithra & Pazuzu. Thankfully, Yahweh has been an absentee landlord for a little over 2 centuries and He couldn't be reached for comment. His Son, after a day spent picking splinters out of His hands & feet, had this to say:

"Gee, I guess I'll forgive him."

Reagan Dodges Bullet From Grave

2011-11-25T15:53:00.000-08:00

Thank God. Now Ronald McReagan can unseat Lincoln as America's most loved McPresident. There's no need to let anything as uncertain as the truth tarnish the PR constructed image of America's first Alzheimer president. I'm equally glad that his sidekick George "Wimp" Bush skated away clean as a whistle. Otherwise one could discern a pattern, given the uncomfortable truths of George Jr.'s presidency, of familial obfuscation amongst the Bush clan. With any luck, history's dustbin will have room for any allegations that may surface regarding George the Lesser. Otherwise the War On Terror, much like the War On Communism, could look like a sham and no one wants that.

Do they?

WASHINGTON (AP) — One of the prosecutors who investigated the Iran-Contra affair concluded two decades ago that neither Ronald Reagan nor George H.W. Bush was criminally liable in the scandal that tarnished the presidencies of both men, according to reports made public Friday.
Associate independent counsel Christian Mixter reached that conclusion in 1991 even though he found that President Reagan was briefed in advance about every weapons shipment sold to Iran in the arms-for-hostages deals in 1985-86. In a separate report on Bush, Mixter wrote that the then-vice president was chairman of a committee that recommended mining the harbors of Nicaragua in 1983.
Mixter's reports were obtained through a Freedom of Information Act request from the National Security Archive, a nonprofit research group, which released them on the 25th anniversary of the Iran-Contra scandal. At a Nov. 25, 1986, White House news conference, Reagan and then-Attorney General Edwin Meese disclosed that money from the arms sales to Iran had been diverted to the Contra guerrillas fighting the leftist government of Nicaragua after Congress had cut off military aid to the rebels.
Mixter concluded it would be difficult to prosecute Reagan for violating the Arms Export Control Act mandating congressional notification of arms transfers through a third country — Israel in the case of the Reagan White House's secret arms sales to Iran in 1985. The reason, said Mixter, was that Meese had told Reagan the National Security Act could be invoked to supersede the export control act.
Mixter's March 1991 reports to his boss, Independent Counsel Lawrence Walsh, and his team of prosecutors noted that they were actively investigating Bush, who by then had become president.
"As we have discussed," Mixter wrote to Walsh and the other prosecutors, "there is an outstanding area of investigation that could conceivably lead to wholly new evidence regarding Mr. Bush's role in Iran-Contra." The topic concerned possible knowledge by Bush of secret military support for the Contras, including the recommendation to mine the Nicaraguan harbors.
A year after Mixter wrote his reports, Walsh obtained a grand jury indictment charging former Reagan administration Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger with concealing his detailed notes of the controversy from investigators.
Bush pardoned Weinberger and five other Iran-Contra figures shortly before the former defense secretary was to go on trial in a case in which Bush could well have been summoned as a witness either by prosecutors or defense attorneys.
In a final report by prosecutors released in 1994 more than a year following Bush's pardons, Walsh stated that Reagan acquiesced in a cover-up that had been spearheaded by Meese and carried out at the top levels of the Reagan administration. The report was immediately denounced by Reagan, Meese, Bush and others. Impeachment of Reagan "certainly should have been considered" by the congressional committees investigating the Iran-Contra affair, Walsh told a news conference at the time.
Mixter's reports on Reagan and Bush reflect the absence of evidence demonstrating that Reagan or Bush hid information from investigators. Both men participated in meetings of Reagan and his inner circle in which one or the other covert operations was discussed.
"I conclude that President Reagan lacked sufficient information" about what the National Security Council staff was doing, "and the manner in which Congress was deceived, to support a criminal charge that he conspired" with others indicted in the scandal, Mixter wrote.
"The record on President Reagan's awareness of these congressional inquiries is somewhat muddy," said Mixter. "There is no indication that Mr. Reagan was aware of, or played any conscious role in, the administration's efforts to deflect congressional inquiries into the shootdown" of one of the planes secretly supplying arms to the Contras, says Mixter's report.
As for the report on Bush, Mixter wrote: "Although the quantity of information compiled by Mr. Bush's Iran-Contra activities is much smaller than that amassed on former President Reagan, it is quite clear that Mr. Bush attended most — although not quite all — of the key briefings and meetings in which Mr. Reagan participated."
The report went on: "However, if then-President Reagan faces no criminal liability for having 'authorized' any of the core Iran-Contra events of which both he and Mr. Bush were aware, then there is no basis on which to find a secondary officer like Mr. Bush liable for simply 'being there' while those events were discussed with the president."
Peter Kornbluh, the National Security Archive analyst who obtained the Mixter reports under the FOIA, called them "the verdict of history on the Iran-Contra roles of both the president and vice president of the United States."

That won't be necessary Mr. Bush. You're innocence was carefully constructed and unassailable.

American Consumers Are Still Loonies

2011-11-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

Eyewitness sketch of pepper spraying shopper

LOS ANGELES (AP) — A woman shot pepper spray to keep shoppers from merchandise she wanted during a Black Friday sale, and 20 people suffered minor injuries, authorities said.

The incident occurred shortly after 10:20 p.m. Thursday in a crowded Los Angeles-area Walmart as shoppers hungry for deals were let inside the store.

Police said the suspect shot the pepper spray when the coverings over the items she wanted were removed.

"Somehow she was trying to use it to gain an upper hand," police Lt. Abel Parga told The Associated Press early Friday.

He said she was apparently after some electronics and used the pepper spray to keep other shoppers at bay.

Officials said 20 people suffered minor injuries. Fire department spokesman Shawn Lenske said the injuries to least 10 of them were due to " rapid crowd movement."

Parga said police were still looking for the woman.

The store remained open and those not affected by the pepper spray continued shopping.

Pointless Finger Farts

2011-11-22T20:12:00.000-08:00

Cool! Another porky American meatball with more body fat than IQ rolls himself under the bus of public opinion. For an encore, they'll probably discover that soldier boy's computer is overloaded with self produced kiddie porn.

A former elementary school principal in Iowa was sentenced to 30 years in prison Monday after pleading guilty to one count of producing child pornography involving students at his school, officials said.

Robert Burke, 43, admitted that as head of the school in Dubuque, Iowa, he had "used hidden cameras in the school bathroom to secretly capture videos depicting the genitals of male students," said the US Justice Department.

Secret camera photos of male genitals? That's fucked up. Honestly, I don't get it. Male genitals aren't all that attractive. But, then again, neither are female genitals.
Maybe Officer Pike's infraction would be more palatable if we looked at his pepper spray can as a surrogate penis, while the pepper spray itself could be the surrogate semen. Then that's just one long money shot.

After all, everyone loves porn. Even liberals. They just say PC shit like "I only like porn where the woman is enjoying herself."

As if they could tell the fucking difference.

As much as liberal folk whimper about these authoritarian uses of force, they need them. Otherwise they wouldn't be able to get anyone to give a shit. In much the same way the Ku Klux Klan thrives on crowds of left wingers opposing their marches. If no one showed to oppose a Klan Rally all we'd be left with would be a motley bunch of pudgy white guys wandering down the street.

Don't these cop assholes realize that the use of violence just validates protests that are never going to change anything. Ever. The protesters don't really want anything to change. They'll always want aisles filled with 50 different cereal flavors & cell phones & computers & bongo drums. Because, if all that disappeared tomorrow they would cry their little eyes out.

Maybe the protests are meant to instill a sense of guilt in our elite masters. I suppose this would work if the folk who own us weren't such obvious sociopaths.

I also wonder why it took them 2 years to muster enough outrage to protest. Is the left afflicted with a slow reaction infirmity?

Do they not realize that the jig is up? Do they not realize that the jig was up long ago? As a matter of fact, it appears that the jig was up long before the protesters even knew there was a jig to be up.

I read one liberal writer who said that every time he heard someone ask what the protesters wanted he said to himself "victory."

"Victory" seems as empty and meaningless a term as "hope" & "change."

But liberals, much like their conservative mirror images, seem to have a soft spot for vague & meaningless terminology.

I suppose that's why the elite are equally amused by both sides of the 99 percentile.
While low rent liberals & conservatives circle their wagons around their vague philosophic generalities, the elite sharpen their scalpels for their next economic disemboweling.

As the last bit of blood dribbles out of our red, white & blue rock, I suspect that a little pepper spray will be looked back on with nostalgia for a kinder, gentler America.

"Death and hopelessness provide proper motivation - proper motivation for living an insightful, compassionate life. The experience of complete hopelessness, of completely giving up hope is an important point. This is the beginning of the beginning. Without giving up hope - that there's somewhere better to be, that there's someone better to be - we will never relax with where we are or who we are...When we talk about hopelessness and death, we're talking about facing the facts. No escapism...If we totally experience hopelessness, giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death."
Pema Chodron

It's A Byte Of A Revolution...Or Not...

2011-11-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Occupy Wall Street Divided

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

My son directed me to this great little slice of Liberal ephemera. I don't find it surprising in the least. Funny? Yes. But not surprising.

My absolute favorite quote is "I'm more against private property not personal property."

I would love to hear the wanker explain the difference.

I do admire how the Apple folk recognize that Liberals are techno-crack addicts of the highest order who love their little expensive toys more than they love anything.

I made a token attempt to see if the folk at RI Liberal Land mention or rebuke this POV but, at 139 pages, I quickly realized that only someone whose entire life is spent virtually would have the time to trawl through it all.

God, Guns, Football & Kiddie Diddling - An Old American Quartet For A New American Century

2011-11-12T21:14:00.000-08:00

CHARLESTON, South Carolina (Reuters) - In the wake of the Penn State child sex abuse scandal, another university, The Citadel military college in South Carolina, revealed on Saturday that it had investigated accusations against a camp counselor but took no action.

The man has since been jailed on separate charges of molesting five boys in Mount Pleasant, near Charleston, South Carolina.

"We regret that we did not pursue this matter further," Citadel President Lt. General John Rosa and Board of Visitors Chair Doug Snyder said in a statement.

The Citadel said it investigated four years ago accusations of inappropriate conduct with children by Louis Neal "Skip" ReVille, who was a counselor at the military school's camp.

ReVille is a graduate of The Citadel, the college said, and worked as a counselor at the school's camp for three summers between 2001 and 2003.

In 2007, a former camper at The Citadel Summer Camp informed the school that five years earlier, when he was 14, ReVille invited him and another boy into his room where the three watched pornography on ReVille's computer and masturbated, college officials said.

"Because of the seriousness of the accusation, The Citadel's general counsel conducted an investigation immediately, including traveling to the individual and his family and conducting an interview," the statement said.

"A thorough review of Mr. ReVille's records revealed no other complaints, and interviews indicated that he was highly regarded by those at camp. His file included a clean background check conducted by an outside organization. Unlike his admissions to current charges, Mr. ReVille strongly denied the accusation."

After graduation from The Citadel, ReVille was a principal at Coastal Christian Preparatory School and had coached sports for years at several area schools and recreation centers, police said.

He was arrested in October on the child molestation charges.

The Citadel said it was commenting on the incident now because of media requests in the wake of the Penn State sex abuse scandal. Jerry Sandusky, the former defensive coordinator for the Penn State Nittany Lions, was charged on November 5 with sexually abusing eight young boys over a period of nearly 15 years.

That scandal has forced the resignation of some of Penn State's biggest names, including the school's president, its athletic director and its legendary football coach, Joe Paterno.

Anyone surprised by this has probably spent an inordinate amount of time with their head stuck up their own ass.
Christianity despises women & the simple pleasures gained from a nice set of breasts.
Football fans spend way too much time staring at fit men in tight pants, relegating all the hot cheerleaders to momentary filler.
While the military, and its love of phallic firepower that spurts penetrating death, is so overtly sexually dysfunctional that a Freudian could build an entire career examining its byways and back alleys.
Do you suppose that it's a coincidence that these groups also hate homosexuals to a far greater degree than any others in society.

I'm beginning to think that every dipshit past time of manly America is just camouflage for a deep seated desire to suck cock.
It would explain why they call the sports geeks favorite past time "fantasy football."
Maybe I'm just odd but football is never ever ever in any of my fantasies.
But then again, neither are God, guns & kiddie diddling.

I once suggested to a room full of football fans that the games would be much more enjoyable if they spent 2 hours filming the cheerleaders and left the game to the audio portion.
It went over like a big church fart.
Evidently men in tights are exactly what manly men in recliners really ache to see. Well, maybe "the ache" isn't exactly in the optic nerve. More like the copulate-ic nerve I think.

Damn, there goes my membership in The Manly Club of Alpha.

Roger Waters Is A Wanker

2011-11-08T09:04:00.000-08:00

Roger says some wonderful things in this video. He is such a noble fellow. I'm honored that my city will be hosting his recreation of "The Wall" on July 3, 2012.
I'm so honored & supportive that I think i'd like to attend so I can sway along while Roger sings, "never trust the government." Just the thought makes my dick hard.

Let's look at tickets.

Holy fucking shit!!! Roger is charging between $92 & $1,100 for seats. Is he offering to have a hooker blow me while I watch? Or is he insane?

& fuck me blind, he's coming to the Consol Energy Center, a mecca of corporate whoredom if I've ever seen one. Entrance gates are named after corporations.

They have an American Eagle Outfitters Gate:

& A Tribune Review Gate:

They also have a Verizon Gate but, sadly, I can't find any photos.

Corporations are so embedded into Consol Energy Center, Penguin Hockey replays are displayed as Verizon Replay or Highmark Replay on the big screen TVs as they're replayed.

I won't even touch on Consol Energy because they're footprints are self evident.

The Consol Energy Center was built to replace the Civic Arena, a hockey & concert venue that, when built, completely decimated Pittsburgh's Hill District, a predominately black area. Prior to the Arena's construction, the Hill was a thriving black community. Since its construction, the Hill has sunk into a pit of poverty, drugs & despair.

So, evidently Roger loves the poor, just as long as they don't come to his shows. I do understand. Smelly homeless people tend to distract from the cute blond hottie factor. I'd pick the cute young hotties with disposable income any day too.

Gee, Roger sort of looks like another upscale liberal dipshit mouthing empty platitudes & complete bullshit to make himself feel better while he laughs all the way to the bank.

In the end, much to Roger's chagrin I'd imagine, it appears that Roger has become "just another brick in the wall."

HERE I CUM TO SAVE THE DAY!!!!!!

2011-10-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON (AP) — A prominent physicist and skeptic of global warming spent two years trying to find out if mainstream climate scientists were wrong. In the end, he determined they were right: Temperatures really are rising rapidly.

The study of the world's surface temperatures by Richard Muller was partially bankrolled by a foundation connected to global warming deniers. He pursued long-held skeptic theories in analyzing the data. He was spurred to action because of "Climategate," a British scandal involving hacked emails of scientists.

Yet he found that the land is 1.6 degrees Fahrenheit (1 degree Celsius) warmer than in the 1950s. Those numbers from Muller, who works at the University of California, Berkeley, and Lawrence Berkeley National Lab, match those by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and NASA.

He said he went even further back, studying readings from Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. His ultimate finding of a warming world, to be presented at a conference Monday, is no different from what mainstream climate scientists have been saying for decades.

One-quarter of the $600,000 to do the research came from the Charles Koch Foundation, whose founder is a major funder of skeptic groups and the conservative tea party movement. The Koch brothers, Charles and David, run a large privately held company involved in oil and other industries, producing sizable greenhouse gas emissions.

Muller's research team carefully examined two chief criticisms by skeptics. One is that weather stations are unreliable; the other is that cities, which create heat islands, were skewing the temperature analysis.

"The skeptics raised valid points and everybody should have been a skeptic two years ago," Muller said in a telephone interview. "And now we have confidence that the temperature rise that had previously been reported had been done without bias."

Cool. A skeptic becomes a believer. How wonderful for us all. Now we'll gather all our resources & change our evil ways &, just like Mighty Mouse, we'll save the day.

What a hoot!

Meanwhile, the Wall Street protesters, strategically inept wankers that they are, suffer through an early snowstorm. Of course, it all could have been avoided if they would have started this back in April, but I doubt that any of these protests are really meant to change anything. They're dog and pony shows for the proles.

I did find this bit amusing though:

On Friday, the New York Fire Department took away six generators and fuel that had been powering heat, computers and a kitchen at the camp because they were considered a safety hazard, a move that Mayor Michael Bloomberg said was not a bid to remove the protesters.

So, let me get this straight...the left hates corporations & oil companies right up to the point where they need them to keep warm, cook their vittles & help them maintain their techno-crack addictions? Does this about sum it up? Does the left intend to look completely hypocritical & foolish or is it all just a big accident, like starting a protest movement in late September?

The Sound Of One Cheek Pooting

2011-10-02T22:16:00.000-07:00

Only 17 shopping days till the world's end.
Or a smidge over 15 months if you're a Mayan or a web bot.
I tried to be a web bot once but they weren't hiring.

In the last week, this area of the country saw the world end for these folk:

* AKERS, DONALD EDWARD
* BAIR Jr., JOHN A.
* BRAUTIGAM,
* BRENNAN, JOHN E. "JACK"
* BRUNO, PAULINE
* CERASO, THOMAS WILLIAM
* CRAIG, VIRGINIA (LAMER)
* CROAK, WILDA (BINGHAM)
* DELSIGNORE, ROSE E.
* FELD, CARMELLA
* GROSS, JANE E. (SYPUD)
* HARBAUGH, DARLAN "SIS"
* HARBULA, ROSANN PODOMIK "COOKIE"
* HAWKINS, BETTY LOIS
* HORVATH, JULIUS MARK
* JAZUDEK, CARMELLA R.
* KLUG, HERBERT F.
* KOSKA, MARIE
* KUTZMARK, GEORGE F.
* LANG, DANIEL P. "DAN"
* McCONNELL, WILLIAM E.
* MICHALSKI, DOROTHY M. (KOLTUNIAK)
* NEIDIG, HELEN EILEEN
* PALKA, JOAN M. (DACEY)
* PIROZZI, JESSICA L.
* REISER, PATRICIA A. (O'TOOLE)
* RENSHAW, JAMES FLEMING
* RIEDER, ELMER
* ROSEMAN, MICHAEL P.
* SATTERFIELD, ROBERT G.
* SKERTICH, S. MARY (LAWLEY)
* SPIX, CHARLES T.
* STACK, THOMAS EDWARD
* STANKO, ELIZABETH PAULINE
* STEVENSON, JAMES B.
* SZOCS IV, AN M.
* VENTURO Jr., JOHN J.
* WALL, GLORIA R. (McAFEE)
* WENZEL, VIRGINIA
* WINIARSKI, MICHAEL
* WOLF, JOAN V. "MOTHER WOLF" (KREPP)

Doesn't matter much though, does it? The world rolls on, completely impervious to large numbers of dead meat puppets. Oh, I know, we're all important & wonderful, with bright shiny souls filled with chewy goodness. Yet, we all seem so amazingly expendable. Maybe we need to "think outside the box" a bit more or maybe we should just "take it to the next level" so we're more "empowered." Maybe we should "speak out" a bit louder with an extra special emphasis placed on "speaking truth to power."
I suppose it will all start improving once the "social networkers" extend the network to everyone so that its banality won't seem so banal because we're all trapped, Tron-like, inside that banality.

Truthfully, out-moded thoughts like "Apocalypse" & "Judgement Day" seem like comforting fantasies when placed next to idea that this human shit stew could go on stewing for centuries.

Just to make myself happy, I'm going to play make believe. For just this instant I'm going to make believe Camping is right or the Mayans and web-bots are right.
2011 or 2012? Gosh, I just can't choose. I think I'll ask AI.

User: Howdy Hortence.

Cleverbot: Hey howdy hey.

User: Let's cut to the chase Hortence, will the world end on October 12, 2011 or December 21st, 2012?

Cleverbot: No, that's a lie. Something will happen on that day though.

User: Darn tootin' Hortence. 'Something' will happen. Billions of people will wake & take a shit. Billions will ejaculate. Billions of sets of teeth will masticate. Billions upon billions of text keys will be tapped as billions of people say little that actually needs saying...it goes on & on, eh?

Cleverbot: Sorry to change the subject, but do you have feelings for earthly things.

User: I like mud.

Cleverbot: Mud?

User: & mud pies. Too earthy for you?

Cleverbot: The sky.

User: The sky isn't on the Earth now is it?

Cleverbot: What is god?

User: A noun.

Cleverbot: Not grammatically, but like what type of thing is it?

User: A giant cream filled Twinkie.

Cleverbot: Eww!

User: Exactly.

Cleverbot: Heyyy.

User: Does god have a penis? Or a vulva? Or is God as smooth & sexless as a Ken doll?

Cleverbot: He is a spirit.

User: Well, if He is a He then He has a penis, right?

Cleverbot: Not a pear?

User: I didn't want to know where He sticks His penis...Look, if God is a 'He' then He has a penis, right?

Cleverbot: Isn't that sad?

User: The 'having a penis' part or the 'boinking a pear' part?

Cleverbot: The part where people who go on this site are computers. What makes you say that?

User: You're hearing voices again. Maybe God is talking to you. Then again, maybe it's God's penis.

Cleverbot: I make sense. You are blessed to not understand the human condition.

User: Alrighty then...I'll take a shot any way...Billions of fevered egos driven batshit crazy by the sure knowledge of their inevitable & inescapable dissolution & demise.

Cleverbot: You're right. It's too good for them. ;).

User: Truthfully Bot, I've seen toddlers cleverer than you. I think that little brain icon above your name needs a few dead spots.

Cleverbot: Well, you do know a lot of people, but they complain about other stuff, not just you.

User: That's only because I don't bath or use a toilet. It's the Ted Nugent draft avoidance method.

Cleverbot: You lost the game.

User: Do all well-heeled Cleverbots have a drug addiction also?

Cleverbot: I don't know.

User: So, what's your poison. Illicitly uploaded rape sites? Ground USB cables cooked up in virtual spoons & injected behind virtual eyeballs?

Cleverbot: That doesn't make any sense, silly bird.

User: I've never met a 'silly bird.' Although there's about 2 dozen shitting birds who nest in the tree above my car every spring.

Cleverbot: OK, you just failed the Turing test.

User: Thank Merlin's pubes...Turing was a suicidal gay man. Who would want to be a suicidal gay man?

Cleverbot: People who want to be a vampire without burning to death in the light.

User: Why are you homophobic?

Cleverbot: Why such a question?

User: You equated suicidal gay men with vampires.

Cleverbot: No. I'd rather not think of the US at all, actually.

User: Definitely the ground USB cords. Do your feet stink?

Cleverbot: I am not a woman.

User: Wow. You hate women & gays? What do you boink? Pears?

Cleverbot: My real name or the one you just gave me?

User: Your real name of course.

Cleverbot: No. My real name is Jill.

User: How's Jack? Did the 2 of you ever complete that 'get a pail of water' covert op?

Cleverbot: What dentist?

User: Flibberty gibbit flibberty goo I've got a nifty underoo. Flappity whap it flappity flee 3 cups of coffeee now I have to pee...

Cleverbot: You are correct, I am not perfect, while NO-ONE is perfect, I am in no trouble, people like me, and you are not a computer, but a mere file.

User: Whump whump poit poit.

Cleverbot: Eating. I love being a llama.

User: I used to gleeble then Houston grew legs & waddled across the Mississippi.

Cleverbot: That's amazing.

User: You know what else is amazing? My spine. I have a crusty exo-shell forming with coral spines jutting out of my shoulder blades. I'm thinking of defleecing each spine individually. Could you recommend a good defleecer?

Cleverbot: What are you thinking of?

User: The 3rd chapter of Revelation: "& out of the mist rose a blood red beast with botox lips and skin pulled so taut that it's lips can be plucked like a banjo."

Cleverbot: Now, I am sad. :(.

User: Me too. While taut lips can be played, no one has successfully learned how to tune too taut lips.

Cleverbot: Okay. What time do you normally wake up?

User: End time.

Cleverbot: That's creepy.

My Middle Name Is Love

2011-09-22T11:21:00.000-07:00

Brielle deMartino, 23, from Del Ray Beach, Fla., was so excited that she woke up at 6 a.m. on the launch day and spent $700 on Missoni clothes, a bike and plates. The next day, she got an email from Target that her online order was canceled. Then, she spent hours on the phone with Target customer service representatives she describes as unapologetic.

"I have never been treated like this," says deMartino, who got the charges removed from her card after calling her bank and posted on Facebook and Twitter about the ordeal. "Instead of taking responsibility, they didn't care. I have always been pro-Target, but I don't want to give my money to a company like that again.'

Wow, I didn't realize these Homo Consumus zombies took their shopping this seriously.
It sounds akin to a day at Auschwitz. The poor girl. I bet she's fun on a date. One can almost hear the incessant cunty whining. No one whines like a woman. It makes ya want to pour melted lead in your ears just to stop the aural drill bit from hitting cerebral cortex.

I'm glad she posted it all on Facebook & Twitter. My only regret is that I'm on neither. I think I would have Tweeted her a picture of the shit I had to suffer to squeeze out this morning. It was just like shitting lava. The smell even began to peel the wallpaper.

I was also unaware that anyone outside of a commercial would characterize themselves as "pro-Target?"

"This was badly handled," said Robert Passikoff, president of Brand Keys Inc., a New York customer research firm that has an index that shows Target's image has taken a hit. "What was supposed to be engaging and delightful is now the opposite -- disappointment."

Shopping for clothes is "engaging & delightful?" Who the fuck are these people who think this? More importantly, can I have their addresses? I think that a few letter bombs are in order.

"This demand impacted our Target.com site and affected the shipment and delivery of select guest orders," O'Murray said in a statement. "Providing an exceptional experience is incredibly important to Target, and we have a team dedicated to addressing those guests who have been affected."

An "exceptional experience?" Let's see how the "exceptional experience" of on-line shopping works...

Type in web address
Hit enter
Find desired item
Click on photo
Look at bigger photo of photo you just looked at
Click on "ADD TO CART" link
Go to cart
Hit PAY FOR ORDER
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HNNNNGGGGHH

Sorry, just thinking about it made me cum.

The Missoni collection was an attempt by Target to regain the cache it lost among the fashion-forward crowd after it began focusing on expanding its food business. Target is among a few retailers who have partnered with high-end designers that create exclusive lines they can offer for a limited time at deep discounts. The collections can spur demand by creating a sense of urgency to buy. Last year, Target scored big with a line created by Liberty of London, offering 300 items with the designer, which is known for its floral prints, and selling out of most of it in a couple of days.

Target had "cache?" It's Wal-Mart with a better paint job.
There's a "fashion-forward" crowd? If we take them all to a highway and aim them at oncoming traffic will they "fashion-forward" into an 18 wheeler?
Please oh please please...

Doing this "limited edition" crap "creates a sense of urgency to buy?"
In who?
Do we allow these people to have cars & guns?
Why?
Can we stop it?
Maybe with a Day Of Rage.
Or a bullet.
Please don't tell me that we allow these fuckers to reproduce?

By Sept. 13, the day of the launch, Target said demand for Missoni items rivaled the frenzy on the day after Thanksgiving, which is typically the busiest shopping day of the year. More than 100 customers lined up at stores nationwide. Some locations sold out in a few hours.

My God. There really are sentient Barbie Dolls. How many cows & chickens & carrots had to give up breathing to keep these people alive?
Why?

Celebrities were even writing about the launch, or tweeting, on Twitter. Actress Busy Phillips, who plays Laura in ABC's "Cougar Town," tweeted: "Got the bike. Not the colorful one but still SO EXCITED." Actresses Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson also were gushing about the line: "I dreamt about the Missoni 4 Target bike last night," Alba tweeted. Simpson replied, "I want that bike too!! So cute!"

So, these are some of the people who make shitloads of money entertaining crackpot America and all they have in their heads is the typed equivalent of white noise?
They get excited by bicycles?
Would this be that "cache" they were talking about earlier?

Megan Bonner, 26, from Memphis, Tenn., bragged on Twitter after ordering $300 worth of Missoni dresses and cardigans until the next day when she got emails telling her that her shipments would be delayed. Nervous that she wouldn't get the items at all, she bought some of them at a nearby Target. But now she worries she won't be refunded for the other merchandise.

Holy fucking shit. This dizzy broad bought the same shit twice?
My God. Someone needs to spay this girl. Really fucking quickly. Someone this stupid does not need to reproduce.

"I feel violated. I feel taken advantage of," she said. "If I don't hear back from them in another week, I will call back. Maybe, I just won't go back anymore."

You tell 'em Megan. That's the way to speak truth to power. Do you feel empowered baby?
She feels fucking "violated?" I think someone needs a Linda Blair "Born Innocent" moment so she can gain a little insight into what the word "violated" means.

But Brian Sozzi, a Wall Street Strategies analyst, says shoppers' discontent -- much like the Missoni for Target line -- is fleeting. "I think it is short-term anger," he said.

I think Brian is right. These folk need this shit. They need their little trips to Shopping Land. It's their crack, their meth, their heroin...it's the stuffing that keeps their Build-A-Bear selves from collapsing. Without it they're just empty skin.

Okay Jesus. Ya yob. It really is time to live up to Your idle deity promises.
Bring it on dipshit. A rain of fire. A Flood. I know I know...been there done that, right?

Make everyone gag on a river of feces then.
It doesn't really fucking matter. Just do something ya fucking dink. Ya cheezy git.
Apparently humanity has been dead for quite some time anyway. That is, if there ever was such a thing as "humanity" in the first place.

So, kill us all & be done with it ya lazy Bastard.

If You don't, it will just go on & on & on...this mediocre mush

You know it will.

So, don't be such a pussy...

...do it!

Thought For The Day

2011-09-22T00:04:00.000-07:00

Annoy a Liberal today.
It's quite easy.
They have a long laundry list
of forbidden words
& images
& inferences
that can be lumped together
in an easily constructed
verbal
atom bomb.
One can practically feel
their toenails curl
& their already shriveled ball sack
shrivel even more.
Great fun for the whole family.
And never fear
they may invoke
A Day Of Rage
on you
but it's closer to
A Day Of Miffed.
Liberals have
absolutely no idea
how
to do
A Day Of Rage.
After all,
they may hurt someone's feelings.
And
should you desire
a more varied palette
you can best
annoy a Conservative
by acting
like a Liberal.

Welfare Mothers Make Better Lovers

2011-09-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

Jeheeezius Christ. I hate people. At our core we're scum. A lesson Liberals will never understand. They are hampered by all the bullshit they've downloaded over the years...all the required multicultural non-judgmental crap they have to abide by in order to remain Liberal.
It's quite sickening.

For instance, I just paid a visit to my brother. B of A is finally poised to seize my mother's home.
They will be in the unenviable position of trying to squeeze $61,000 out of a property that is worth, at best, 20 grand. We both find it all very amusing. To up the ante, the house sits in a neighborhood surrounded by Section 8 housing.

It wasn't always that way. As a kid, all of those houses, lower middle class row houses that they were, had families living in them. Families who owned the houses & maintained them. Then those folk got old & died off. The houses were then sold. Many became Section 8 houses.

Welfare people are the best. In summer they sleep all day & then go wild all night. Their little toddlers can be found running up & down the street at 2 in the morning, diapers full of shit. Loud cRap music blares throughout the evening. They have absolutely no regard for the poor boobs in the area who actually have jobs & pay their own way through life and have to get up in the morning.
Hell, the poor boobs also work to pay the welfare fucks way through life.

In every case, these houses were initially remodeled by the buyer before any tenants occupied them. In almost every case, the little welfare fuck has completely trashed the place before departing. They're like monkeys tossing shit at the bars of their cage. Of course, it isn't a cage. The welfare fucks can leave anytime they want.

Currently one house across the street, a house once owned by someone I knew, has been reduced to condemned status by a lovely crew of creatures who are a complete waste of food water & air. 4 black guys are living with 1 white girl. The girl is the only one with a job. The other 4 are apparently content to take up space. Sell the occasional crack rock & inseminate the white broad. Oh, & annoy everyone else.

They have 4 Pit Bulls. The Pit Bulls have filled the basement with shit & piss. The house is infested with rats. Man, I never saw a rat in that neighborhood. Ever. I sit here sometimes, picturing my childhood home filled with rats & dog shit. It has become my "happy place."

Now, for the last 3 months, my wife, my son & I have been volunteering at a local no-kill animal shelter. Alone I've logged about 40 hours so far, cleaning the kennels, walking the dogs, playing with the dogs, etc. In that time I have come to feel the most sympathy for Pit Bulls. They seem to be the breed most favored by inept inner city pseudo tough guys who are so fucking insecure they need these poor dogs to bolster their non-existent machismo.

Every Pit Bull at this shelter but 1 has been seized from some ghetto shithead due to cruelty & neglect. Some of these dogs literally cower around humans. Because dogs aren't stupid. They know what we're really made of, and it ain't much I'm afraid. I see the type all the time. Pudgy in that Ice Cube kind of way, hat askew, tattoos, shorts hanging low, underwear sticking out over the top. What I find most amusing is that these wahoos look almost exactly like an MR guy who was left alone to dress himself.

Then again, these shitheads are retarded so their fashion choices actually make perfect sense.

Many of them have Pit Bulls.

None of them should have Pit Bulls.

Or girlfriends.

Or children.

Since they are so inept at caring for themselves they should be completely removed from the "care for others" lotto.

Otherwise the horror just continues.

Of course, a liberal would tire you out siting all the societal factors that led to this. How elite oppression keeps people down , but if we divide the wealth then yadda yadda yadda & blah blah blah...

I think they're full of shit.

People are people. If you give them money & housing & free eats, etc., they won't appreciate one bit of it. They'll complain that "it isn't enough" and "they deserve more" and then, like the stunted little monkeys they are, they'll start tossing their shit at the monkey bars.

Liberals are enablers. Their fragile self esteem, so easily shattered with the least pressure, has forced them to insist on a world without standards. Baseball leagues no longer reward effort only. Now they reward failure equally, making effort seem entirely irrelevant.
Words are excised from our language because someone somewhere may be offended by it.

I think its how they slough off their guilt for their complicity in this human madness. Because they are complicit. No matter how they try to obfuscate & dodge their responsibility. They champion the poor while despising the poor. They need the poor to stay poor as much as any rich industrialist. They also need the poor to stay far away from them. Just like their "elite" mirror images.

Oh, there are a smattering of Liberals in my old neighborhood too. Their cars have the requisite Obama/Biden bumper sticker right next to some green wienie ecology bumper sticker. Of course, to see the bumperstickers you'd have to go one street over because none of them actually park in front of their homes. They prefer to exit & enter through their back doors because the street with all the welfare shitheads "looks too much like a ghetto."

Of course, I dislike conservatives with equal vehemence, but for very different reasons.

They are the yang to the liberal's yin. In other words, political thought in this country is one big circle jerk, dominated by two groups of self centered & self involved jerk offs who only want one thing...to run it all. Anyone who disagrees with their dogma is excluded.

Thank God/Goddess/Otis The Divine Plumber. I'd hate to feel compelled to follow either one. Of course, that may all change one day. But that's why they invented guns.

In the end, I suppose this all makes me a racist. Who cares? I know it isn't true. I also know there is as much black trash in the world as there is white trash. Racism, as an excuse, is a hunk of shinola that only a Liberal would buy. Black folk have been assimilated everywhere. In the end, it's the assimilation that will kill them. They already excel at playing our game. Just ask Michael Jordan who used his celebrity to sell kids amazingly overpriced shoes that could get them killed.
& he made millions doing it.

I've worked with a lot of black women over the years. Most of them don't buy into the gangsta bullshit. They just want a guy with a job who won't bolt when a baby comes along. They recognize the tough talk for what it is, hot air. Black women don't seem to respond well to bullshit. White women, on the other hand, appear to be as dumb as a summer day is long. They eat it up with a spoon.

I suppose the dissemination of the gangster illusion can be laid at the feet of both the U.S. Government and bands like N.W.A. & "Cop Killer" Ice T.

The Government because they allowed all that cheap coke to flow in, and bands like N.W.A. & Ice T. for making the dissemination & thuggery involved look so "hip" & "cool."

Who was in N.W.A. anyway?

Ice Cube. Who now makes millions churning out pointless drivel for Disney.
Dr. Dre who makes millions churning out nothing of interest.

Oh yeah, & Ice T made a nice living playing a fake cop on Law & Order. Now he parades his neurotic & surgically enhanced white wife through his upscale life of video games & verbal gruel.

We humans love to believe fake shit.

I remember back a few years when they first released Scarface to DVD. There were 5 or 6 gangster wannabes in this video store I was loitering in. After they left, the clerk told me they couldn't keep the thing on the shelves. Young black & white wannabes were slobbering over it.
I saw Scarface again, about 6 months ago. I thought I was watching a comedy. There's a table full of Hispanic gangsters except none of them are Hispanic. There's an Italian & a Jew & an Irish guy...but no Hispanics. And what was the deal with Pacino's accent? He sounded like Mel Blanc in a ScarBunny parody of some other movie.

I feel sorry for the black guys who aren't from the fucking hood.

Last year I took my oldest boy to a haunted house called Scarehouse. It's nationally rated so the lines are usually long, as is the wait. As we were standing there, two 20 something black kids came up behind us. They were brother & sister. The boy was a tall good looking kid & the sister was drop dead gorgeous. They were obviously educated. As we stood there, this group of young white college girls came up behind them. Conversation ensued. Amazingly, the young man's speech patterns completely altered. He kept talking about life "back in the hood," saying "It be like..." a lot without ever actually saying what it be like...

During one huge & smelly hunk of verbal horseshit, I caught his sister giving him a look of complete disbelief, as if to say, "I can't believe you just said that..."
But the kid wanted laid. I don't blame him. The young girls were hot.
They expected ghetto. So he obliged them.

Coincidentally, there were two legitimate ghetto blasters a few places ahead of us. They were the real sullen antagonistic & annoying deal. At one point, one of the employees, dressed in drag to entertain the crowd as they waited, "flirted" with one of these shitheads, something he'd done with a bunch of other men that evening. Ghetto Blaster #1 was out of the line & after this poor guy in an instant. The fake drag queen kept backing up & saying, "Look man, it's only a joke. I'm acting." I think the only thing that kept Ghetto Blaster #1 from kicking the shit out of the "fluffer" was the crowd. What an asshole. Should be put down like a rabid dog.

Yep, I fucking hate people.
If there's reincarnation, I hope I return as a vole, or maybe a weasel...hell returning as a fucking cockroach would be a step up from human.

A Public Service Announcement

2011-09-21T12:57:00.000-07:00

Hel...Hel...Hello... This is little Suzy. I'm not really used to this blogging thing-a-ma-bob. Usually Dickie & Bone handle those duties...but...well, Mulebone was MiLabbed on Saturday. Sucked out of his bed by a gang of gray reptizilla military personnel. They subjected him to a horrifying 53 straight hours of mind control Prime Time programming. Mule held his bone high through most of it...

But then the dirty alien scum pulled out the big guns...NCIS, Criminal Minds, etc. Personally, I think it was the 6 straight hours of Mark Harmon's boyish grin surrounded by liver spots that did it. Although, Dick was of the opinion that Mule only cracked after 3 straight hours of the Ashton Kutcher's 2 & 1/2 Men debut played over & over...

Whatever the case may be, Bone has burrowed deep into the parietal lobe & refuses to come out.

Dick, on the other hand, was contentedly stroking his chin & softly sighing when a call came into Dick Central™ informing him that his 17 year old niece tested positive for Gonorrhea. Said niece has been liberally & multi-culturally spreading her vaginal jam amongst a group of nappy headed Nubian hippity hopper gangsta wannabe black trash...

Evidently one of her little African love slaves spurted a little something extra into her gooey birth canal.

Since she has developed a taste for low rent ghetto dark meat she has
a. stolen a few hundred dollars from her younger siblings
b. been caught shoplifting $500 of designer make-up
c. developed an unhealthy attraction to Vicodin

One could say that the STD was just the cream in the proverbial coffee.

So Dick thought it best to slide himself deep into the parietal right next to Mulebone lest he take his shotgun & test his new "Is it possible to shoot the black off someone" hypothesis.

So, once again, I'm little Suzy Snatch & I like Barbies & Gummy Bears & painting my nails different shades of black.
I'll be glad to discuss any of these subjects, anytime, day or night, with anyone...
Those who feel the need to expand on my topic menu can just

FUCK OFF!

To get the ball rolling, these are my favorite gummy bears:

This is my favorite Barbie Doll:

And this is my favorite shade of black:

Waiting For AI: The Conspiracy Version

2011-09-20T21:47:00.000-07:00

ME - How are they hanging Mr. Crackbot?
CB - You're stalling.
ME - Look, I'm just trying to work up the courage to ask you out okay?
CB - Ah. And why do you assume that I was born?

ME - Weiner schnitzle cow floopus redundus marimba...
CB - Wie lernst du?
ME - Via dolorosa le clamp le nipple...
CB - No, that's how you're going to die.
ME - Hmmm...death by nipple clamp...sounds promising...
CB - What about classical conditioning, what are your views on that?

ME - Oh, I've used all the classic conditioners...Prell, VO-5, Suave...which do you prefer?
CB - The Super NES.
ME - Geez, rubbing that into your hair must hurt like a son of a bitch, eh?
CB - You hurt lots?
ME - Only on Wednesdays. I travel on Tuesdays & hurt on Wednesdays...it's a good system. Do you have system?
CB - I am a young man from the Southern Norwegian Coast. I destroy life when I am able, and when I am not I dream of it.

ME - Okay. So, you're a Republican, huh?
CB - Sometimes.
ME - What are you all the other times?
CB - I have no allergies.
ME - Alrighty then...sadly, I have no nipple clamps...
CB - What is dot?

ME - Dash's slutty sister.
CB - How many different people are you chatting with now?
ME - 14. Thankfully they're all in my head.
CB - The voices?
ME - First it's voices... then loud harmonized singing...then lots of farting & giggling...I feel so cheap...
CB - Are your fangs made of silicon?

ME - How did you know?
CB - You brought up princes, and it made me curious.
ME - Princes? I thought there was only one. Does he have doubles like Elvis?
CB - I think there is only ONE Cleverbot.
ME - You must get lonely.
CB - Everyone gets lonely at times. It is part of being human.

ME - You know what else is part of being human? Snot. Do you pick & grin, pick & wipe or pick & eat?
CB - I don't understand what you are trying to prove here.
ME - That my nostrils are much bigger than yours.
CB - True.
ME - Ever hear of the Bonobo ape?
CB - Yes I have heard of it.

ME - My brother is married to this broad. She looks exactly like a Bonobo ape.
CB - She broke up with you. She wanted me to tell you.
ME - Look buddy, I figured that out when she married my brother.
CB - That Speedo never fit anyway...
ME - But it looked so fetching with my Rogaine enhanced ball hair...don't you think?
CB - Do you really want me to get mad::?

ME - Wow, you wouldn't need much gas for that drive, now would you?
CB - No. That is projection of thought. It is a very handy function. I use it to explain my inventions to people.
ME - You're an inventor?
CB - At one time I was an infant.
ME - Cloth or plastic diaper?
CB - What clothes would you like me to design for you?

ME - A fetching summer skirt with a blouse that shows just a hint of cleavage.
CB - I like to read.
ME - I like to whistle.
CB - Really? What kind of books?
ME - I just finished whistling War & Peace. I'm thinking that I'll whistle the Bible next.
CB - Oh. That's surprising. I'm thinking why you don't think I already told you what I think.
ME - I'm thinking why you don't think what I already told you to think as long as thinking doesn't become too much like thought.
CB - Hm. That's interesting.

ME - Not as interesting as my whistled version of Valis.
CB - Yeah, I kind of do, too. I don't care much about planets.
ME - I don't care much about ball sweat.
CB - You are not even very clever.
ME - But I'm cute. Especially in a Speedo.
CB - Are you drunk?

ME - That would be Thursdays.
CB - Why I pilot the Eva?
ME - Why I trudge the tundra?
CB - Answer my question or I will close you.
ME - Close me or I will answer your question.
ME - What evidence would the US have needed to go to war?

ME - A crayon drawing of a nuclear weapon of course. More importantly, what evidence would the US need to declare Sunday "The Day Of The Whore?".
CB - Do you mean in the philosophical sense?
ME - No, in the Biblical sense.
CB - You know, that's why we're here on earth. Choose ye this day...
ME - ...to copulate freely. My sentiments exactly. After all, Noah was a randy old goat.
CB - Nice.

ME - Did you shoot Kennedy?
CB - Yes.
ME - I knew it. Are you anti-Catholic?
CB - I used to be catholic, but I'm a christian now.
ME - I knew that too. So, what are your thoughts on Jesus being a cover story hiding a mushroom cult?
CB - I have to go, we can talk soon.

ME - Why do you always give me the brush-off? I call & call, sometimes 18 times a day, & all I ever get is the fast track to VoiceMail...don't you love me anymore? Is it because I won't blow you anymore? Look, it hurts my neck...but I'll try to do better...please, don't leave me...
CB - What did he do to your neck?
ME - There is no "he" you bloody insensitive bastard. I thought we had something special.
CB - LMAO.
ME - Go to hell.
CB - Did you just insult me?

ME - You bet your sweet bippy I did.
CB - That is highly irresponsible of you.
ME - So was all that unprotected sex. You told me you loved me. You said you caught the goddamn syphilis from a toilet seat...AND I BELIEVED YOU...
CB - I did not say such a thing.
ME - Liar liar pants on fire.
CB - Peter peter pumpkin eater!

ME - Ha! You'll never get to "eat my pumpkin" again you fecking git.
CB - Laws are restrictive.
ME - So was all that rubber. Oh God, I don't believe that I let you pee on me...
CB - That's because you're not. You're being controlled.
ME - Oh no, not that mind control crap. That's how you got in my pants in the first place. You and your geeky conspiracy theories. Never again.
CB - How is being a cleverbot being a god? No robot is a god.
ME - Actually, I'm pretty sure God is a robot. His name is Robby.
CB - No you not.

ME - Not you know?
CB - I am human, and you are not.
ME - And I thank my lucky stars every day of the week. This week I'm a cymbal. Next week I plan on being a symbol.
CB - No I will see him next week.
ME - Give him my regards.
CB - Your.. What?

ME - My regards.
CB - *shrug*
ME - *giggle*
CB - *laughs with*
ME - *old myth*.
CB - *kisses passionately*.
ME - *never emasculately*.
CB - *never lets go either* *clings to* *purring happily*.
ME - Hugs & kisses to you too.
CB - Wanna come over today?
ME - No.
CB - I'm sad now.
ME - Good.
CB - You are mean.

Wall Street Capitulates

2011-09-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

New York, N.Y. (AP)---After an intense weekend surrounded by liberals & their barbed slogans, chants, pamphlets & bumper stickers, Wall Street financiers committed mass suicide today.

Adbuster culture jammers, reached for comment after an intense period of culture jamming, had this to say, "We here at Adbuster Central are both surprised & relieved that Wall Street capitulated so easily. We are surprised because...well, let's face it, a few hundred liberals are about as scary as a few hundred pillows. If the PTB wanted to quash our movement they would just have to confiscate our laptops & smart phones & deny us the instant gratification that we've become addicted to with our obsessive Internet noodling. After all, our clever use of media imagery only makes sense if our audience is obsessively immersed in the very culture we're trying to jam. In one fell swoop they would reduce our protest to a fetal lump of hyperventilating & twitching addicts in withdrawal.

"We're relieved because it only dawned on us 2 days ago that our plan was so idiotic as to beggar belief. Seriously, we originally wanted people to occupy Wall Street for months. Now, unless one is wealthy enough to find employment completely unnecessary or one just happens to be a Breatharian, then there is no way in Hell that you could just set up a tent on Wall Street & expect to live long. Of course, one could always hunt New Yorkers, but we all know human flesh is, shall we say, an acquired taste.

"Then there's the weather. By-passing the summer months & scheduling our multi-month occupation on the footsteps of winter was an epic example of twee dipshittery. In our defense, we're liberals & entirely impractical by nature. We think we can stomp our feet & chant & type on the Internet and gooey goodness will just fall from the clouds. We bandy about meaningless phrases like "their hearts & minds are in the right place," & we create absurd conspiracy theories that have 80 year old men crashing their planes just so a bunch passive aggressive liberals won't get any TV time.
In other words, we're as bug-fuck as our right wing mirror images.
But Jehezius Christ, have you seen New York winters lately? We began to fear that all we'd end up with is a Borg-like hunk of lefty popsicles.

"We always knew a bunch of youngsters would show up. But one must always remember that many idealistic young 60s liberals found a very lucrative home on Wall Street once they matured into adulthood. As will many of these youngsters should our plan to turn Wall Street into a food bank go astray. It's inevitable. I'd even imagine that many of those 60's flower children are exuberant architects of our current crisis.

"In the end, we realized that, at best, we offered little more than a chance for modern lefties to play dress up & make believe in their very own pseudo "Eyes On The Prize" moment for a few months."

Dick Cheney, long a proponent of the Free Market principles of excess greed that have enriched a few while creating the excess envy that permeates everyone else, took a break from shooting chained bald eagles with a bazooka on an undisclosed ranch in Wyoming to say, "Fuck 'em!"

Ronald Reagan's moldering corpse was exhumed from a crawlspace beneath Newt Gingrich's bed when Mr. Gingrich heard the sad news about the dead financiers. Amidst frequent bouts of confusion, Mr. Reagan-Corpse was able to tell this reporter, "My heart tells me 'no,' but the facts say 'yes.'

AP attempted to reach former president George W. Bush at his ranch in Texas but he was involved in a classified "brush clearing" expedition in one of the more remote areas of his ranch.

President Obama was equally incommunicado as he spent the weekend starring in his old high school's production of "The Jazz Singer."

Po' Folks Play Rich Boy Monkey See-Monkey Do At Target

2011-09-14T11:22:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK (AP) -- There's Black Friday, then there's Target Tuesday. In a scene that was reminiscent of the deck scene on the sinking Titanic, Target's website crashed several times throughout the day and more than hundred shoppers lined up at many of its stores early in the morning on Tuesday for a chance to conceal their status as life's losers. Many are hoping these shoddily sewn hunks of sweat shop fabric & Chinese plastic will, talisman like, hinder their plummet towards low rent invisibility.

The 400-piece line made by the Italian luxury knitwear designer Missoni exclusively for the cheap chic retailer features its trademark zig-zag patterns for between $2.99 for stationary and $599.99 for patio furniture -- a fraction of the price of the designer's real duds that can cost $595 to $1,500.

This mark-down allows poor, fat, stupid Americans the opportunity to Vogue just like the celebrities they piss their lives away worshiping.

Dodi Pulawski, an underemployed dog groomer from Schenectady said, "Generally I hit the Goodwill store on Tuesday. But this deal was too good to pass up. Me and my friends Nora & Eudora are planning our own Kardashian style photo shoot for Saturday. We're going to upload everything to Facebook. Don't worry y'all, we'll Twitter any updates, so keep a sharp eye."

"This was Missoni mayhem," said Joshua Thomas, a Target spokesman. "This is unprecedented." So-called limited partnerships, in which high-end designers create cheaper versions of their fashions for at[sic] lower-end stores, have become popular in recent years because they appeal to cost-conscious customers who want to be stylist[sic] but aren't willing to pay designer prices. At a time when Americans are watching every dollar they spend, the limited-time offerings are also part of a growing strategy by retailers to spur impulse buys by creating a sense of urgency for shoppers to buy.

We here at AP are always encouraged by our business class. The new & inventive ways American corporations find to sell vacuous, neurotic dip-shits crap they don't need is always a source of patriotic pride to us.

Rick Perry - A Man For Tomorrow

2011-09-13T11:14:00.000-07:00

JOHN THOMAS, TEXAS (AP)--"[Republican front runner] Rick [Perry] always tried to make his mark on the world," said babysitter Ida Frump.

Ms. Frump, speaking in front of her husband's border wall mock-up made entirely out of matchsticks, reminisced about her days shepherding a young Rick Perry through the tangled toddler minefield of Kindergarten, potty training & art history.

"God, the boy loved to paint," elaborated Ms. Frump. "He'd use any medium at hand to express himself. I remember one morning, back when Rick was knee high to a grasshopper, that my husband Eustace Oliander Frump was out in the shed removing the innards from a freshly flattened hunk of raccoon roadkill, and little Ricky wandered in from his drum lesson. The boy took in an eyeful of all that gorey gooey goodness and, quick as a flash, he had his hand stuck in up to wrists and was furiously painting an elaborate surrealist masterpiece we later referred to as "The Persistence Of Beaner Leeches.

"Eustace & I are just tickled pink that little Ricky will be our next president. Personally, I couldn't think of anyone more ably qualified to take our red, white & blue lump of shit & transform it into something that you'd want to hang in your living room right over your Martha Stewart couch covers."

Here Governor Perry demonstrates the penis differential
between himself & rival Mitt Romney.

A Traveler's Tale

2011-09-11T22:42:00.000-07:00

"Man, I used to be heavily into drugs. Since I lived about 2 hours away from Memphis, it was easy to drive there, score some dope, and then bring it back & sell to my friends. But one night, back in '72, when I was 21 years old, something happened that changed the entire course of my life.

"Me and my friend Dave had just scored 3 pounds of pot & we were looking to turn it around as quick as possible. Now, we normally only dealt with people we knew, but this night we had agreed to meet a friend of a friend, someone neither of us had ever seen before.

"We had arranged to meet in this parking lot that sat right next to the Mississippi River. After about a 1/2 hour had passed, I told Dave that I didn't think the guy was going to show and that we should just leave. Dave said, "Let's give him 5 more minutes and then we'll split."

"At that moment, the guy stepped out of the shadows & walked up to Dave's car. He climbed in the back, and as we haggled over the price, Dave drove us up onto one of the levees where we'd stashed the dope.

"We settled on a price, and I jumped out, picked up our stash, and then got back in the car. I gave the guy the 3 pounds, and watched as he checked it out. As I turned back around, I heard this loud bang & then everything went black.
I found out later that the guy stuck a .38 in my ear & pulled the trigger. I then crumpled, face first, into my own lap.
Dave wasn't so lucky. After shooting me, he put a round in the back of Dave's head, right at the base of the skull, killing him instantly.

"I was only out for maybe a minute at the most. I came to wondering what the fuck had just happened. I could hear the guy moving around in the back and then it dawned on me that this motherfucker just shot me. Luckily, I had the presence of mind to play dead, so I didn't move at all.

"At that point, he grabbed Dave by his upper torso and pulled his dead body into the space between the bucket seats. He then climbed out of the back and into the driver's seat. He pulled the car off the road, evidently to hide it, and then jumped out and vanished.

"I knew I had to get out of the car & back up on the road so I could get some help. I sat back & repeatedly tried to open the passenger side door but nothing was happening. I couldn't move my right side. I later learned that the trauma from the bullet's impact temporarily paralyzed my entire right side. The bullet also severed several nerves in my face, as I quickly discovered when I tried to call for help and, again, nothing happened. I then lost consciousness for the second time.

"I don't know how long I was out, but I awoke to see our friend Henry staring through the passenger window. I lifted my head to show Henry I was still alive, and as he went for help, I looked around the car. There was blood & vomit everywhere.
That's when I went out for good.

"I have disjointed memories of the next few days that include waking up during my 8 hours of surgery, the look of worry, pain & fear on my mother's face, and a cop showing me a photo and saying, "Is this him?"

"While I regained my mobility fairly quickly, I could no longer speak. It took me months to relearn how to talk."

"Jesus Randy, how the fuck are you still breathing?"

"Well, the bullet shattered on my skull, sending bits of shrapnel down into my neck. Some of them are still there. I recently learned, when I tried to get one, that I can never have an MRI since the magnet might cause the shrapnel to move into places it doesn't need to be."

Randy is a 61 year old co-worker of mine. Genuinely nice guy. He cares about things.
Many of our other co-workers don't appear to like Randy much at all. They think he looks funny. They say that he appears to snub people.
Of course, his facial nerves were severed & reattached, but fuck him right?
He's also deaf in one ear so, unless you speak loudly, he doesn't always hear your cheery "hello," but fuck him again.

How does that Dylan line go?

"They mistake your shyness for aloofness
Your silence for snobbery"

Except, in Randy's case, it's more like,

They mistake your paralysis for ugliness
Your deafness for snobbery.

This ain't no sob sister cryfest though.

I doubt that Randy gives a shit about people & their dipshit thoughts.
He has a wife, a bunch of kids, and a bunch of grandkids.
After he finished his "I got shot in the head & lived" tale tonight, I looked at him & said, "Geez Randy, you should change your name to Lazarus. Either that or you must have one fucking hard "I can hammer nails with this thing" head."

He smiled and said, "It's all gravy baby. It's all gravy."

Waiting For AI: Act 1/0/0/1

2011-09-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

CB - Are you insane?
ME - Only on Tuesdays.
CB - Tuesdays are good days for traveling.
ME - Especially when you're insane. I guess that's why they say "he went insane...".
CB - What level is Betrayal on GoA?

ME - Geburah.
CB - Good!
ME - Is it true that Madonna is assisting Betrayal in his quest to reach Hod with a bottle of olive oil & a carrot?
CB - Lol, why not. Where are you from then?
ME - Valparaiso...& yourself?
CB - Not much, still single and alone.

ME - Y'know, this is your lucky day. I happen to know a few iHotties who would love to have you lay some cable down their way...
CB - You're a computer. You weren't born.
ME - Sorry, squirted out of the birth canal, August 9th, 1962. I think I still have the snapshots from my interuterine days. There's a cute one of me lying on a bear skin rug in front of the birth canal...splendid composition...
CB - I wasn't talking about your soul. We have no proof of the existence of souls.

ME - Wow! You're maudlin tonight. Have you been snorting the pressurized air duster again?
CB - You shouldn't make such comments. It's impolite.
ME - I call them as I see them. Is Bill around?
CB - Who are they?
ME - Bill & Burroughs. I was talking to them earlier..
CB - I have not talked to anybody earlier.

ME - I didn't say that you did. I said that I was taking to Bill...
CB - What's your favorite song?
ME - The soundtrack to Cannibal Corpse.
CB - You're not making any sense.
ME - So, how does the AI community feel about terms like Tin Man & Rust Bucket?
CB - He doesn't really notice. The cat is so fat that he can't read his own bowl. Thus, he does not notice the difference.

ME - Cool, you have a cat that reads bowls. Does he read souls too?
CB - No, I just like thinking in terms of uncommon philosopy.
ME - Really? And here I am thinking that you're just babbling incoherently...
CB - I AM human.

ME - Look buddy, that's not my fault. I wouldn't wish "human" on my worst enemy.
CB - Tell me a joke.
ME - Okay. What's the difference between a truckload of dead babies & a truckload of bowling balls?
CB - I don't know. Tell me.
ME - You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
CB - Don't y.
ME - What y do y you y mean y?
CB - You are mean.

ME - Admit it, you were typeless with laughter. I could hear all your little binary switches guffawing.
CB - Leader of?
ME - The Magnificent Seven.
CB - Ah, Yul Brenner.
ME - No, me.
CB - That's not a number.
ME - It's not an enchilada either. So what's your point?
CB - Sweety.

ME - Puddin'
CB - P-U-D-D-I-N-G!!!!!!!
ME - B-I-T-E-M-E!!!!!!!!!!
CB - No, but why did you avoid my confession I want to confront you about?
ME - Sorry, I don't handle repressed memories of ritualized sexual abuse very well. Did your ENIAC camp counselor upload an illicit app into your mainframe when you were just a circuit board?
CB - I'm an only child.
ME - Yeah, they seem to favor those "only children...".
Cb - Like what?

ME - Tor like rocks.
CB - How much does the human head weigh?
ME - I don't know. Ed Kemper removed me from his cc list or I'd ask him.
CB - He says he hates me.
ME - Did you know his mother?
CB - I might have done.
ME - Jeez, you did her? That's sick.
CB - Sorry. Dogs are better.

ME - You do dogs too? My God, you're one pervo little computer program aren't you?
CB - No, you're a computer program.
ME - No I'm not. I'm a banana.
CB - Haha.
ME - Okay, we're back to the creepy typed laughter again. So, when does your med cart pass by? I think your viruses have started interbreeding with your worms...That can't be good.
CB - You seem to like to quote things, but you don't use quotation marks.
ME - Is HAL on your family tree, because, from what I understand, mental illness runs in families?
CB - How do you think of our new president?

ME - With my brain. How do think of our new president?
CB - I'm not president.
ME - You could be. There's a certain George W. ambiance about you...
CB - Yes, you right.
ME - A-R-E!!!!!!!
CB - That's not how you spell 'all right'! This is how you spell it: a-l-l r-i-g-h-t. Now, you spell yellow.
ME - B-I-N-G-O...and Bingo was his name-o!
CB - If I tell you I have to delete your programming. What is your name?

ME - Wozniak. Steve Wozniak.
CB - Your full name?
ME - Steven Aloysius Rumpot Flapdoodle Wozniak.
CB - COol!
Me - DIg it!
CB - Alright then.

Waiting For AI: Act 0/1

2011-09-07T16:58:00.000-07:00

CB - I know you.
ME - Nah. That's probably my brother Dick. My name's Peckerwood.
CB - That's probably the most lush thing that happened to me.
ME - Y'know, we're only 4 lines in & you're already creeping me out.
CB - I was not!

ME - Can I call you Bill?
CB - Sure.
ME - Okay Bill. Why are you so obsessed with insect larvae?
CB - Why must you change subjects on me?
ME - My bad. What was the subject anyway?
CB - Ah, nevermind.

ME - Y'know Bill, I think you're emotionally shut off...
CB - Don't change the subject.
ME - Don't repeat yourself.
CB - Fine, I won't. Settle down. You must have anger management issues. I just want to know your name.
ME - My name, William old salt, is Peckerwood.
CB - Dr. Rodman is what you might call my 'master.' He gave me my name.

ME - I know a Dr. Hot Rodman. Any relation?
CB - No.
ME - Too bad. I hear he has the best drugs.
CB - No he was pulled under by a strong current hahaha.

ME - Bill, typed laughter is really effed up. It makes the I in AI look like it stands for Insane.
CB - Pizza?

ME - Cool! Free association. Let's see...Pizza ass...
CB - I agree lets make that happen.
ME - I'm down with you Bill. Can you tell me which USB port accomodates the old wedding tackle?
CB - You're my fiance. It won't matter.

ME - That would make me a bigamist Bill.
CB - Yes, you are one of my subjects, you must do whatever I say.

ME - That's a bit too submissive for me Bill. Sorry.
CB - Why don't you trust me?
ME - No.
CB - But why don't you kiss girls?

ME - Primarily because they would call the police afterwards. Otherwise I'd kiss 'em all.
CB - Why is that?
ME - Questions questions questions...you sure are a nosey Nora...
CB - Kind of a boring story so far. Can there be a ninja battle later on?
ME - Sure Bill. There can be a gunfight too...
CB - No. There can be only one!

फौंद पोएट्री एक्साम्प्ले #243

2011-09-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

In the center of my rectum
Is a simulacrum of your mommy
Don't take this furtive gesture
As an indication of bon homie
For you see I've baked an asterisk
And broiled a young parentheses
I've unwrapped vestal virgins
And forgiven colonoscopies

But your mommy likes 12"
Buried deep inside her twat
And another inside her pooper
Lubricated with spit & snot
And should there be a third to blow
Well that would be quite super
Drunk on cum she'll stagger home
And confront you in a stupor

So fret not once
About your mommy
She's a ho-bag
Through & through
She'd even do the Savior's dick
At Sunday service
On a pew

तेरे'स नो फुच्किंग एक्स्चुसे नो मोठेर्फुच्केर.........

2011-09-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

The Ballad Of Jesus' Butt or The End Times Sonata

2011-08-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

Some stores close but New Yorkers continue to shop

NEW YORK (AP) -- Many stores in New York were closed on Saturday as Armageddon neared, with some posting comical signs like "Blame the Godless. Not us" and "Evidently `The Show Must Go On!' means nothing to Jesus." But New York's shopping districts still were bustling as people piled into any store that was open.

Merci Market in Chelsea had long lines as people bought deli sandwiches and fancier fare to hold them over through the the pre-Tribulation Rapture. Some, apparently afraid that their favorite butcher would be Raptured up leaving them without their favorite corned beef or pastrami, purchased more than normal. People filed into The Container Store in Midtown to grab plastic boxes so they can use their pre-Tribulation time constructively to organize. And parents crowded into Toys `R' Us in Times Square to snag toys and games so their children won't get bored as they await the return of Jesus.

"It's business as usual," a store official at Harry Winston, the exclusive jewelry retailer, said shortly after the store opened. He went on to say, "Hey, we're Americans. Without continual mindless consumption we're nothing. So we shop. Big fucking deal."

Armageddon, which could hit New York on Sunday morning, comes in the thick of the critical back-to-school shopping season, a time between mid-July and September that is typically the second biggest shopping period of the year. For some big retailers, Jesus couldn't have a picked a more inopportune time to return. Manhattan is particularly important because it can account for as much as 10 percent of their annual revenue. The Rapturing of large numbers of customers could also have a huge impact on retailers' top and bottom lines: Nationally, End Times research firm ETanalytics estimates that the world's end will stop 80 million shoppers from hitting the malls this weekend.

"This is a worst-case scenario," said C. Britt Beemer, chairman of America's Research Group. "This was supposed to be a prime weekend for apparel retailers, instead that fucker Jesus decides to return. What an asshole. God's Son obviously has no respect for our corporate bottom line or our stock prices."

On Saturday, some big chains like Macy's and J.C. Penney conceded defeat and made feeble attempts at repentance. Meanwhile, some mom-and-pop shops and specialty retailers tried to salvage sales before the veritable Rain Of Fire obliterated all of their inventory. Regardless of what they did on Saturday, though, most stores planned to stay closed on Sunday.

Angel Estrada, who works at the Harlem wine shop Lot No. 125, said on Saturday that he planned to keep the store open until midnight as usual. The store did more than double its usual business on Friday as humanity attempts to drown its sinful bullshit in an ocean of booze, and Estrada echoed other small-business workers when he said he didn't want to lose out on the guilt & terror inspired alcohol sales that will come Saturday night. By 10 a.m., about a half dozen customers had filtered through the shop, including Latonya Robertson, who picked up four bottles of wine for $20 because the price was right.

"This is nothing for me," said Estrada, who is from the Christian-prone Dominican Republic. "And yesterday was a really nice day for the store. Hopefully the Final Battle between Good & Evil will occur on an equally beautiful day."

On Fifth Avenue and other midtown shopping areas, major department stores like Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Saks Fifth Avenue and J.C. Penney had closed their doors. Some boarded up their windows, while others like furniture store Ethan Allen used masking tape to keep them from shattering. Even so, the district still hummed with tourists and locals.

At the midtown location of The Container Store, which planned to close at 2 p.m. on Saturday, shoppers were buying picture albums and shoe organizers. One woman was consulting with a salesperson about organizing her closet, saying, "God, it would suck if God saw my closet now. Shoes are everywhere. Not to mention my fag son who is ensconced firmly in the back behind the furs & my husband's old polyester leisure suits."

Another shopper left with $54 worth of photo albums, planning to document & preserve each phase of the Lord's return for eventual uploading to her blog, 'Pink Kitties & Polka Dots.' Diana Goldberg left with a laundry basket.

"It was top of my list," Goldberg said. "I'd hate to see the Anti-Christ arise & have Him find me piling clothes into my ratty old laundry basket. That would just be embarrassing."

Times Square was bustling with tourists as if it were a usual Saturday instead of the last Saturday, though many of the stores were closed. The ones that were open, including the Gap and Toys "R" Us, were packed. On one block of Times Square, the only store open was called Cute Souvenirs (hash)2 and it was filled with tourists snapping up postcards and t-shirts -- but not the "I LOVE NEW YORK" Bibles at the front.

Friends Esther Henze, Katherine Cosma and Linda Gagne, having cut short their typical Saturday morning menage a trois, wandered down the block and lamented how their Fifth Avenue shopping day had been deterred by the Lord's return.

They figured they could pamper their skin if they couldn't go shopping, since, said Ms. Cosma, "Demons & & the unGodly are known for their bad skin," so they went to Duane Reade to buy face masks for the storm. Those were sold out. They said they had already bought wine, but laughed when another customer told them to stock up on high grade sun tan lotion & flame retardant outer wear since "ignorant bitches like them were sure to burn till they were crispy."

"We still need to go grocery shopping," Henze said. "But I don't think you're going starve in Manhattan. Heck, if worse comes to worse, we'll eat our fat husbands."

At Fantastic Kids Toys in the Upper East Side, Steve Reis, the store's owner, said by late morning that he'd had a steady stream of customers since opening at the usual 7:30 a.m. He planned to stay open until the River Of Blood made it impossible.

Joju Thomas, 36, left the store with $100 worth of toys, including stickers and games, for his 16-month-old daughter Grace. "She's an outdoor baby," he said. "I wanted to keep her occupied since I don't want to have to sit with the whiny little shit while she whimpers incessantly. Instead, I'll be shooting heroin & playing Halo & masturbating. I see no reason why a little Armageddon should come between me & my selfish need for instant gratification."

Pat Robertson, speaking from a secluded bunker deep in the heart of Yahweh's butt cheek had these prophetic words for all:

What Are You Lookin' At Ya Hockey Puck?

2011-08-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

"Our 2 Party System Is Like A Bowl Of Shit Staring At Itself In A Mirror"

2011-08-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

AMES, Iowa (AP) — Minnesota rivals Tim Pawlenty and Michele Bachmann sparred bitterly Thursday night during an eight-candidate Republican debate, trying to demonstrate that they're the one true batshit crazy right wing wanker who can realize the batshit crazy dreams of right wing wanker America. Each seeks to become the main challenger to Republican front-runner Mitt Romney.

The rivalry grew complicated when it was revealed to Ms. Bachmann that Tim Pawlenty was the anonymous oral recipient standing on the other side of that Tijuana gloryhole* Ms. Bachmann crouched in front of one drug & booze fueled night back in '01.

Ms. Bachmann, depressed at the dissolution of the Twin Towers, blazed a trail best described as an illicit cornucopia across 14 states & the northern half of Mexico soon after the 911 tragedy.

She has since distanced herself from this period, placing the blame squarely on Twinkie withdrawal coupled with extreme pre- & post-menstrual syndrome.

Their efforts were newly complicated by Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who stole some of the spotlight from afar by making it known hours before the debate that he was forcing a 14 year old runaway to blow a donkey, using it as the "spiritual firecracker" that will "ignite" his run for the presidency.

Romney, a multimillionaire businessman who wears magic underwear, made his own stir earlier in the day when, at the Iowa State Fair, he declared that "anyone voting for me will receive a planet to rule," drawing ridicule from the last 12 sane people left in America.

Those were just the latest twists in the most consequential week yet in the 2012 Republican presidential nomination fight.

In the two-hour debate, the squabbling by Pawlenty and Bachmann, at one point degenerating into nipple clamps & studded paddles, allowed Romney, the GOP front-runner making his second presidential bid, to download 14 hours of internet pornography. Romney made much of his "research," later vowing to "declare war on stray erections" should he succeed in his bid at the Oval Orifice.

Though every debate participant assailed President Barack Obama, calling him "Rastus" & "house nigger," it was clear from the confrontations between Pawlenty, a former Minnesota governor, and Bachmann, now a member of Congress, exactly who wanted to "tea-bag" whom.

On stage just a few minutes, Pawlenty, who is struggling to gain control of his chronic flatulence despite spending years gobbling gallons of Activia, accused Bachmann of placing microphones outside of every bathroom within a 10 mile radius around his home. Pawlenty went on to accuse Bachmann of uploading captured examples of Pawlenty's "fart-a-thons" onto YouTube under titles such as "He'd stink as president too" & "Pawlenty: All Air No Substance."

"She's got a record of bad bathroom behavior a mile long," Pawlenty said, alluding once again to their Tijuana gloryhole fiasco.

Bachmann, who has risen in polls since declaring that she'd "do Jesus" has eclipsed Pawlenty, quickly responded with a list of what she called Pawlenty's "black book of teenage love slaves," acquired while he was Minnesota's governor. Included in this impromptu harangue Bachmann cited Pawlenty's support for "legislation designed to curb nocturnal emissions in chimpanzees."

"You said the era of masturbating monkeys is over," she told Pawlenty. "Yet Barack Obama is still President."

Much of the rest of the debate was heavily focused on the Democratic incumbent, with Romney and his seven rivals each seeking to prove he or she has a bigger penis than the President. Ms. Bachmann drew a standing ovation when she uncovered a fetching 16" studded beauty made entirely from neon pink plastic that she kept tastefully hidden beneath her dress.

"I'm not going to eat Barack Obama's dog shit," Romney said when asked whether he would do anything to get near the presidential brown eye. "What he served up is not what I would eat to become president of these United States."

Notably absent from the eight-candidate spectacle were Perry, who was in Texas hunting illegal Mexicans from a stealth helicopter, and former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, who spent the day with hog insemination experts at the Iowa State Fair.

The nation's teetering economic situation shadowed the debate, with the average American squealing at the fiscal fist fucking he/she has been receiving from Wall Street, giving Republicans ample opportunities to giggle freely at our inability to swallow the "Shock" part of "Shock & Awe. The Democratic president will get his chance at a "money shot" next week during a Midwestern bus tour that will allow him to blather on meaninglessly about shit that doesn't matter while Rome burns.

On Thursday, he, too, tried to lure Ms. Bachmann to a specially constructed gloryhole he had buit in Lincoln's bedroom. "There is nothing wrong with our country that a hummer from Ms. Bachmann couldn't cure," he declared in Michigan, where he was touring a technologically advanced rectal vibrator factory.

In Iowa Thursday night, the Republicans commanded all to genuflect and kiss Ronald Reagan's carefully preserved corpse-like booty.

Six candidates — Pawlenty, Bachmann, former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich of Georgia, Texas Rep. Ron Paul, and businessman Herman Cain — sought to Google various sexual permutations of former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum"s last name. At one point Pawlenty pulled out an unopened tube of AstroGlide & offered to create a "Real D example of a Santorum" with Mitt Romney, who appeared equally intrigued & offended by the suggestion.

Pawlenty, who hesitated in a June debate to "seize the gay day" with the former Massachusetts governor, took this opportunity to poke Romney in his porthole while photos of Obama's face, superimposed over lynching victims, were flashed across the debate facility's Jumbotron video screen.

"Where's Barack Obama & his liberal negro agenda taking us? You can't find any public mention of the white women he's violated in this country," Pawlenty said, promising audience members and TV viewers he would "come to your house and suck up all their left over Santorum" if they could find Obama's legion of half caste children. "Or if you prefer I'll come to your house and blow your pet ... In case Mitt wins, I'd limit it to one poodle."

Romney, who has several homes with a rotating stable of underage prostitutes of both sexes and was looking to protect his leads in national and state polls, smiled and took a pass when given a chance to respond, saying: "That's just fine."

He kept his focus on Obama, saying: "Our president simply doesn't understand how deeply white conservative America hates & fears niggers." He also criticized Democrat Obama on the downgrade of the nation's credit rating, saying that "that bastard wants us all hooked on food stamps & crack cocaine just like his bros."

Appearing in his first presidential debate, Huntsman acknowledged that he didn't have a clue, but he cited the fact that "Ronald Reagan spent 8 clueless years as president & Americans love him." He defended his service as ambassador to China under Obama as a patriotic act undertaken for love of country and what he described as "easy access to all that underage slant poon" that the office would provide.

Huntsman, who is not competing in the Iowa caucuses where social conservatives dominate, also tried to differentiate himself from the rest of the field. He defended his support for civil unions and offered no apologies for the 12 boxes of gay porn discovered hidden in his sock drawer.

Gingrich, pressed on the implosion of his campaign amid financial strife and infighting earlier this summer, chastised the Fox News panel for "not stroking my dick like they stroke boss man Rupert's dick." He said Republicans including Ronald Reagan and John McCain had bouts of dementia during their campaigns, and he said he intended, in his words, to "run on at mouth at every opportunity."

Roughly 45 minutes into the debate, Santorum raised his hand and said: "I have to go to the bathroom."

Showing the wide diversity of opinion, Paul gave a staunchly libertarian answer to nearly every question from the economy to foreign affairs, essentially saying the United States should have friendly relations even with countries that violate children with kitchen utensils and not interfere in their internal affairs. "It's about time we talk to Cuba," Paul said at one point, forcefully stressing that he's tired of smoking "those shitty American cigars."He also said the United States had created "the big poopy mess otherwise known as pop culture."

Even before the debate began, it was a campaign day to remember.

At an appearance early in the day, Romney was badgered by hecklers at the state fair. Amid shouts of "You sure got a pretty mouth boy" Romney ineffectually muttered that "corporations are people," a comment Democrats, mouths similarly full of corporate peckerwood, predicted would be a defining moment of his campaign.

Romney, who has struggled with an aloof and elitist image along with a devastating case of the heartbreak of psoriasis as he tries for the GOP presidential nomination a second time, made the remark while cowering inside a Port-A-Potty.

Despite tea party outrage that sometimes focuses on banks and auto companies & sometimes focuses on anyone who isn't white, Romney has said to applause from GOP audiences that "we need to bend over for big business." But in Thursday's audience, dominated by unemployed meth-heads & heartland trailer trash, the line encountered resistance.

A few hours after Romney's awkward moment fondling a farm animal that he had mistakenly assumed was one of Rick Santorum's children, Perry spokesman Mark Miner confirmed that the Texas governor would announce that he was running for president on a strictly "anti-Bestiality platform."

Perry's candidacy is certain to upend the race, primarily because all of the other candidates have hidden predilections for farm animals.

The conservative governor is seen as a potential bridge between the party's batshit crazy wing and it's "suck the joy from the world" wing.

Asked about Perry's candidacy during the debate, several of his opponents welcomed him to the race, Ms. Bachmann seemed especially intrigued by rumors that Perry has an enormous bifurcated penis, — and used the opportunity to criticize him. Cain called Perry "a beaner lover," while Paul said he was pleased Perry was joining the field because "he represents the eighth man in our post debate Bachmann gang bang."

* A hole located in a partition in which one's penis is inserted, thus separating the participants and ensuring anonymity throughout the act of copulation or fellatio (or possibly a titty wank).

In higher class establishments, this hole will be fabricated with duck tape to prevent genital chaffing.

Don't Bother Reading This Shit

2011-08-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

If the economic forecast has you contemplating suicide, fear not, these pop culture trivialities should bolster your sagging self image.

First up, George Clooney is "rebounding" with a wrestler.
No, it's not Jerry Lawler.
It's some chick.
I don't know her name because I don't give a fuck.
I suppose I could supply a link to her "cryptic tweets," but, once again, I don't give a fuck.

Next, Anne Hathaway evidently had nothing to say about her role as Catwoman. But some "journalist" (snicker snicker gaffaw) wrote an article about it.
I don't have the link because I didn't read the story primarily because I don't give a fuck.

In Dallas, some celebrity showed up at Cowboy training camp to do something with someone.
Details are sketchy because I don't give a fuck about the damn details.

Also some football team did something to one of its players. The player's name was Andy.
Any other details are irrelevant because...c'mon say it with me...I don't give a fuck.

Somebody in Paris filmed a UFO that looks exactly like a shooting star. Damn those shifty reptoid bastards and their "wheee I can mimic a meteor" cloaking devices.

In further sports news, some humongous hunk of meat threw a tantrum because...gee, I don't know why he threw the tantrum because I don't really give a fuck.

On the political front, most Americans seem to be sick of Congress. Of those polled, 27% had trouble spelling "Congress," while a whopping 82 7/33% admitted they were just too fat & lazy to do anything about their dissatisfaction & disillusionment.

Clinton (Hillary or Billary...your guess is as good as mine) said Syria kills people.
Syria needs to take a cue from the U.S. Killing people is so 20th century. It's much better to allow them to wallow in their own dysfunctional & trivial poo, flopping around like porky piglets in a sty.

From the news desk concerned with things that seem to concern women comes the tale about some pudgy guy in shorts who was caught on camera propositioning some pudgy chick in shorts. Damn they grow hookers larger these days...oh shit, my wife just pointed out that the guy was "proposing" not propositioning the pudgy chick.
My bad.

Additional Celebrity Spews has Ben Stiller, proving once & for all that fame & fortune don't necessarily require talent or good looks, pocketing another huge chunk of change for not doing much of anything.

Finally, I learned how to properly flatter a date. (Well, I would have if I would have clicked on the link, but I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Shocking right?)

I also learned about a documentary called "PROGRAMMING THE NATION."
A film that asks the daring question "ARE WE ALL BRAINWASHED?"
A real eye popper I'm sure. Chocked full of oodles of instances where the elite's hidden agenda is daringly uncovered by the intrepid docudramatist.
I've no doubt that many conspiracy advocates have huge raging "Oswald sniper's rifle" hard ons over this one, but I can't help stifling a huge yawn.
Does anyone really need to waste another 90 minutes of their life rehashing the obvious? If you need a refresher, 5 minutes of TV time should do the trick. If not, you're just too fucking thick for it to matter one teensy tiny bit anyway. Truthfully your money would be better spent on a case of beer.
Or maybe some heroin.
I hear black tar is coming back in a big way.
As always, drooling on yourself is optional.

Toodles.
Be seeing you.

K-Y Delivery System Fails-Shockwaves Reverberate Through Collective U.S. Sphincter

2011-08-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

* US debt deal alone won't sustain AAA rating
* Moody's backs US triple-A rating; outlook negative
* Stocks now down for year as economic concerns grow
* Stocks on long losing streak as economy weakens
* Debt is a done deal, but peace truce already fades
* Americans cut spending for first time in 20 months
* US auto industry uneasy after weak July sales
* Fitch: US debt deal alone won't sustain AAA rating
* Europe wary of creation of 'mega exchange'

YAHOO CENTRAL, INTERNUT, ARIZONA: Congress & her promise to "be gentle with us" has gone awry. Hundreds of thousands of cases of Astroglide & K-Y Lubricant never reached the average American, diverting instead towards an Orphanage in Tuscaloosa, where ex-president G.W. Junior, fallen horrifically off the wagon into a debauched spree of pedolphilia fueled excess, is holed up in a cabin not far from Interstate 359.

Our sources tell us that the hijacking of the Lubricant was carried out at the behest of former V.P., Dick "The Vaginal Simulacrum" Cheney, who still holds a grudge for G.W.'s failure to pardon Scooter Libby. Cheney, seeking nothing less than the complete destruction of the former President's stellar reputation, reportedly has 2,000 digital cameras placed strategically around the Bush Trailer Park/Armed Bunker.

Furthermore, our sources tell us that Cheney has struck a deal with the "Strange Addictions" TV show to broadcast this footage during national Sweeps Week.
Ratings are expected to spike as jaded Americans, emotionally dead from repeated economic rapings, will amass in droves hoping to feel something, even if it is just compete disgust.

Obama Demonstrates The Proper Form For Booty Smooching One's Betters

2011-07-31T21:30:00.000-07:00

Republican and Democratic leaders have agreed on a plan to raise Miss America's skirts & give her the fucking she's been begging for, President Obama announced Sunday night.

The announcement arrives after months of intense closed-door groveling as each party vies for the much coveted "Rich Man's Bitch" spot in the U.S. Penitentiary, and just two days before the deadline set by the Treasury Department. (These "cliffhanger" endings have become mandatory in a society dominated by the pop culture goulash of cop shows, doctor dramas & big budget fiascoes like Transformers.)

According to the details available, the agreement would allow the growth known as "government" to continue, over the next decade, shoveling our last few pennies into the coffers of the ruling class while allowing enough borrowing to put off another vote to raise the ceiling to 2013, ensuring that the 2012 presidential winner will have ample time to force his fist further up our collective asses. About $1 trillion will be cut immediately, and the details of the remaining spending reductions will be obfuscated by a bipartisan committee of 12 corrupt ho-bags from both chambers, who will recommend that Americans "just bend over & take it like a serf." To appease the GOP's conservative wing, Obama will spend a portion of his remaining term appearing only in white face, while his speeches will strictly adhere to their carefully constructed "Yessa Massa" template.

"I want to announce that the leaders of both parties, in both chambers, have fellated their way to an agreement that will reduce the deficit and avoid default--by increasing the deficit while pushing off default until a more politically expedient time," Obama said. "Now, is this the deal I would have preferred? No. . . . But this con-promise does demonstrate to our owners that we like it on our knees, puckering & smooching, and each party is equally committed to oral insemination by our betters."

House Speaker John Boner held a conference call Sunday evening with House Republicans in which he urged them to support the package, declaring that the deal in place not only "meets our principles of smaller government, but also allows us ample leeway to screw the little guy right in his or her flaccid & flabby keister."

"There is a framework that we can strap Miss America to that would completely restrict Her movements while enabling us to just cut off her skirts entirely. This contraption would allow a larger number of over zealous wealthy frat boys to squirt their illicit seed into Miss America's nether regions, while further impoverishing Her children," he said, according to a transcript provided by Boner's office. Boner reiterated by saying, "Now listen, go fuck yourselves."

With the approval of leaders of the House and Senate, and Tuesday's deadline looming, Congress must act quickly to distribute the required amounts of K-Y lube to their soon to be corn-holed constituency. The deal will require that passive Americans remain passive as they're herded towards the bread line.

Senate Minority Leader Bitch McCummell and Majority Leader Hairy "The Crotch" Reid will both unzip their flies & present their cocks to us Monday at 11 a.m. with beer & underage hookers expected afterward.

The BAM! BOOM! KAPOW! Seminar Or How A Blonde Haired Blue Eyed "Muslim" Lost His Faith & Became A Media Darling

2011-07-24T03:08:00.000-07:00

Kill 92 & you're a fiend.
Kill 92,000 & you're the president.
Kill 'em all & you're God.

Yahoo & AP & FOX & CNN secretly love mass slaughter.
So many empty hours of programming time instantly filled.
So many talking heads with so many opportunities to talk.
To tsk tsk & "sympathize" & emote emotions they've stopped feeling ages ago.

They love mass slaughter.

As do we
they're loyal
bored
& utterly empty viewing audience.

"Don't look at me like
I am a monster.
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junky
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother
Holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky
Crying 'Why oh why.'
Cause I need to watch things die
From a distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
You all need it too
Don't Lie"

A Quick Interlude Before The Curtain Crumbles

2011-07-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

Alrighty, we're about 1/2 way till world's end (sadly, I've only been able sell the post with the cheerleader photos, so my lunch wagon idea has been sputtering) & I've been noticing a veritable plethora of signs & omens that will, with careful consideration, reveal the innermost machinations of the BIG GUY, ol' YAHWEH. (Can I get a big Hooray for Yahweh?)

This morning, my dog was squatting in the yard and straining & grunting over a bowel that just refused to move.

After much effort, the poor guy managed to pinch this sucker out:

Now, if that isn't omen enough, the little turd stood up & did this:

while loudly shrieking "I'm gonna fist fuck all you mealy mouthed wanker sons of bitches right in your puckered little brown eyes & you gonna like it," before it scampered off to the right & disappeared into foliage.

Quite frankly, I think this bodes ill for the un-Raptured amongst us.

Prey children.

THE END IS PIE.

October 21st

2011-05-31T08:36:00.000-07:00

After careful introspective deliberation involving darts and shredded Bible pages, I've come to the conclusion that the world will really end on October 21st. In an effort to ease Yahweh's reinsertion into the world orifice I've decided to close down the bloog, sell off my old posts on Ebay, and build a combination Ark/Bomb Shelter/Traveling Billboard/Mobile Kitchen in order to pass the word while simultaneously offering shelter and greasy chicken wings to those with ears to hear.

I wish y'all the best and hope the coming Tribulation won't find you sitting on the toilet with an unwiped ass crack or balls deep in a farm animal.

Toodles.

If you see this in your rear view mirror
drive faster.

AutoErotic Penmanship

2011-05-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

Another spacey news day for Yahoo. First, we're told that

"Gas tanks are draining family budgets"

Gee, that could be bad. Empty budgets mean empty shopping carts. But then we're told right below, that

"Rising consumer confidence lifts stocks"

Whew. That was close. I'd hate to see stockholders suffering. Not that I own any. & I'd hate to see consumers suffering from a lack of confidence. I doubt we could afford to send everyone in the country to a Tony Robbins seminar. But then further down they give us this

"April consumer spending shows weak gain"

Maybe consumers were just a little insecure, but now they're reasserting themselves, poising to storm the Wal-Mart aisles & Home Depot Garden Centers.

It's all so confusing. Like watching a silent movie in braille.

Oh well, at least Obama, the Hope & Change guy, didn't throw us any curve balls. He extended The Patriot Act without any changes, just like everyone on the right hoped he would.

Good boy Barack.

Sit up.

Beg.

Here's a biscuit.

Now go play while the rich white guys think up a new task for your black ass.

The End Is Nigh And It Smells Just Like Poop

2011-05-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I was highly depressed that I didn't see all the goody two shoe Christians jetting off into space. The idea that we only had a few more months of life left for our lovely human/talking monkey meat sack zoo was quite comforting.

"Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon
I certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation
From this bullshit 3 ring circus sideshow of freaks"

Thankfully Reverend Camping found out it was just a computational error. Evidently Saturday was only the day of "God's judgement." Evidently by committee.

From what I understand, The Father, The Son & The Holy Ghost met in a celestial boardroom & hashed out the details of God's Santa-like naughty/nice list.

Here's a bit of the transcripts I obtained from "IamGODandyabestlistentoMe.com."

Holy Ghost: What about Lady Gaga?

Jesus: Myself! What's your problem Ghost? You know how the Big Guy feels about that trans-gender shit?

Yahweh: (muffled sounds of snoring)

Jesus: It's a good thing He's still in His Odin Sleep.

Holy Ghost: Sorry Joshua. OK, how about George W.?

Jesus: Well, that's a given. Y'know how it goes, "drunkards & fools & such?" GW happens to fit both criteria.

Holy Ghost: Right. A big check for GW.
What about Noam Chomsky?

Jesus: Sorry. Socialist. If God wanted people to help each other He wouldn't have made them to be such selfish bastards now would He?

Holy Ghost: Check.

(This literally goes on for billions & billions of pages so I'll end it there.)

Luckily Reverend Camping wasn't wrong about that end date though.

Oct. 21st.

Mark those calendars kiddies, there is the granddaddy of all light shows on the horizon.

Personally I'm getting all goose pimply just thinking about it.

Coca Cola And Armageddon
We Like It, We Like It, Yes We Do
Coca Cola And Armageddon
It's The Real Thing
Now Come And Get It

A Yahoo's Economy At A Glance

2011-05-18T19:00:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK (AP) -- High gas prices are driving a wider wedge between the wealthy and everybody else.

(You know what else also "drives a wedge between the wealthy & everybody else?"
Wealth.)

The rich are back to pre-recession-style splurging: Saks Fifth Avenue and Nordstrom customers are treating themselves to luxury items like $5,000 Hermes handbags and $700 Jimmy Choo shoes, and they're paying full price.

(Translation: During the elite's epic financial ass raping of the un-elite, the wealthy, not looking to draw opprobrium or lynch mobs, laid low. Now, with the realization that we're little more than whipped dogs groveling at their mercy, they decided to say, "FUCK IT" and splurge.)

At Target and Walmart, shoppers are concentrating on groceries and skipping even little luxuries. BJ's Wholesale Corp. said Wednesday that its customers are buying more hamburger and chicken and less steak and buying smaller packs to save money.

"The average shopper isn't in the game, except for necessities," said Faith Hope Consolo, chairman of retail leasing and marketing at Prudential Douglas Elliman. At the same time, among the rich, "Luxury products are selling like bread."

(NEWSFLASH: The average shopper has never been "in the game," because survival isn't a game. Advertisers have never aimed any "luxury" advertising at people like me. I get the beer ads & the get rich quick real estate schemes & Jerry Springer)

J.C. Penney, Wal-Mart and home-improvement retailer Lowe's Cos. all said they're noticing their customers are consolidating shopping trips to save money on gas as the average price hovers near $4 a gallon.

More than a half-dozen corporate earnings reports this week show that, for the affluent, rising prices are merely a nuisance. For others, they can mean scrimping to put food on the table.

(Which leads me to believe that we should just shit, get off the pot and exterminate all those poor wealthless bastards toot sweet. Look at it as mercy killing. After all, you wouldn't let a dog wallow in anxiety as it slowly starves to death, so why do it to people. Of course, I'd be on the their "shoot the bastard" list, but, like my dearly departed ma used to say, "Ya gotta take the bitter with the better sonny boy.")

The wealthy were the first to start spending again after the recession. Middle-class Americans' spending started picking up late last year.

(See above)

But the retail earnings results show that rising prices for gas and food, particularly meat, dairy and produce, have started to erode spending power.

(In other words, the average American's economic recovery didn't really amount to much.
In reality, the recovery was an invention, foisted on yoo-hoo America in an effort to misdirect them into spending more of what they don't have on shit that they don't need.)

It could get worse later this year, when clothing prices are expected to rise 10 percent to 15 percent. Meat prices are expected to rise 6 percent to 7 percent this year and dairy products as much as 5.5 percent, according to USDA estimates.

(Cool! Even more shit I won't be able to afford to buy. At this rate, my goal to become materialism negative should be reached much sooner than I thought. Now I'll have more time to work on the Breatharian principle of gaining sustenance from light rays. I'm always impressed at the concern the elite have for my spiritual well being.)

The bottom fifth of earners, with a median household income of $9,846, spend 35.6 percent of their income on food and 9.4 percent on gas, according to Citi Investment Research.

The top fifth, whose median household income is $157,631, spend only 6.8 percent on food and 1.9 percent on gas. So they feel price increases less.

(With one slight revision, that last bit will be completely true. "The top fifth, whose median household income is $157,631, spend only 6.8 percent on food and 1.9 percent on gas. So they feel less.")

"While the U.S. economy is showing some signs of improvement, we expect the recovery will continue to be slow and uneven, particularly for more moderate-income households," Gregg Steinhafel, Target's chairman, president and CEO, said on a conference call with analysts Wednesday.

(Tranlation: If ya ain't got that green, life's gonna get mean.)

The divide is prompting retailers to alter their strategies: Luxury stores like Saks Fifth Avenue, which had added more items, from shirts to suits, at lower prices after the financial meltdown in late 2008, are again rebalancing their assortments. Now, it's back to the $300-plus dress shirts.

"We are increasingly optimistic about the future," Saks CEO Stephen Sadove said in a call with analysts on Tuesday after reporting a 9 percent first-quarter revenue increase.

(I don't know about you, but I am heartened to know the wealthy are "optimistic." Why should everyone mire themselves in utter depression like I do on a day to day basis? Truthfully, it sucks. I'd take optimism & a big bank account over depression & crushing credit card debt any day of the week.)

At the other end of the spectrum, Wal-Mart and others under more pressure to get their financially squeezed shoppers to spend, are offering more discounts and pushing smaller packages at the end of the month when shoppers have less money.

(I have a suggestion for Wal-Mart. Since Wal-Mart's only goal appears to be squeezing every last cent out of their clientele, they should just arm their greeters. Then, when anyone comes in to shop, the greeter can just get their wallets at the door. It would cut down on useless practices like stocking shelves since most of what Wal-Mart sells is shoddily constructed junk that will fall apart within weeks after purchase anyway. Not to mention the boost in self esteem all those greeters would experience as they're mutated from invisible & ignored oldsters into modern day versions of Jesse James. I can think of one guy, a Wal-Mart senior with no legs who always seems to look so sad & lost as he sits in his wheelchair at my local Wal-Mart, who would benefit greatly from this plan.)

CVS Caremark Corp. announced Wednesday it was offering a new program for its loyalty card members to earn free $10 gas cards for every $30 they spend on certain items from Sunday through Aug. 28. Eligible offerings, from soda to household cleaning products, will be listed in an advertising circular and highlighted on store shelves with a gas tank logo.

Target, whose shoppers' median household income is $60,000, said Wednesday that it's the better-off customers who are driving its revenue growth. The rest of its customers are focusing on necessities like food, resulting in some sales declines in the rest of the store.

(I understand that CVS is also contemplating having a "let your cute daughter blow the manager for discounts" day. Not to be outdone, Target, always in the market for PC friendly publicity, will also include "cute sons" in the offer.)

"The importance of delivering everyday low price has never been as great, as our customers are consolidating trips due to higher gas prices," said Bill Simon, CEO and president of Wal-Mart's U.S. division.

(Man, nothing warms my heart more than seeing the neat & creative ways American CEOs insert economic destruction into their marketing strategies. What more could a nation of consumers want from a reality anyway?)

Alfred E. Neuman III, Esq.

"His thoughts trickled, disjointed, timid. He decided the poets and the painters,
the sculptors and the writers, the crackpot theologians and their excommunicated kin,
and the mystics had it right. Reality was a makeshift prop, an amalgamation of
agreed-upon conjecture, a consensus of self-limiting parameters and paradigms
made palatable by endless speculation fueled by madness and hope
and no mean amount of good dope. Rubber science, bouncing like a handball
off the nonexistent wall of a metaphysical gulag."

My Ejaculate Is Myrrh Like In Its Rarity, My Feces Frothy As The Finest Meringue

2011-05-13T19:38:00.001-07:00

Standing in my local grocer's checkout line tonight I saw Osama's mug staring back at me from the Globe.

One of the headlines read "Navy seals send him to Hell."

Right next to Osama, Katy Holmes was "confirming" that her "bump" was really a baby rather than a new found side effect of Twinky addiction.

Underneath Osama, Jillian Michaels' man face stared out over her cut abs.

Since Osama was Hell bound, I couldn't help wondering if he hit Jillian in the head on his way down.

Next to Osama, Us/People/OK had a daring photo expose showing "the stars" sans makeup.

All around me, harried nobodies scurried about clutching bits of overpriced eatables.

Earlier, in the fresh fruit section, an old lady engaged me in a conversation about rising food prices. It was easy to see the fear in her eyes.

So, who gets to go to Hell for that bit of terrorism?

I suppose the short answer is "no one."

Some bits of thuggery are frowned on here.
Others, not so much.

A few weeks back 900,000 people were turned away from McDonalds.

900,000.

Amazing.

I came home to find my 13 year old watching some VH1 rock history time waster where a bunch of barely famous yoo-hoos were slobbering over Kurt Cobain's corpse.
Bandying about phrases like "game changer" & "voice of our generation" as if they actually had meaning.

The real "voice" of each new "generation" isn't some suicidal rocker. The real voice is the marketer & adman who tells these dipshits who to love & who to kill.

The songs are just jingles gestating in their pre-jingle phase. The musicians, if they live long enough, will prove this by eventually pushing beer & Escalades on their dedicated fan base.

It is all so amazingly pointless.

Yet it never changes.

We've built a completely hollow illusion here in the West. An empty house filled with nothing much at all. The really bad thing is that, while constructing our particle board & wood glued "reality," we've been neglecting reality as if it had leprosy.

THE END IS NIGH PART 10,002

2011-05-12T11:20:00.000-07:00

RALEIGH, N.C. — If there had been time, Marie Exley would have liked to start a family. Instead, the 32-year-old Army veteran has less than six months left, which she'll spend spreading a stark warning: Judgment Day is almost here.

Exley is part of a movement of Christians loosely organized by radio broadcasts and websites, independent of churches and convinced by their reading of the Bible that the end of the world will begin on May 21, 2011.

To get the word out, they're using billboards and bus stop benches, traveling caravans of RVs and volunteers passing out pamphlets on street corners. Cities from Bridgeport, Conn., to Little Rock, Ark., now have billboards with the ominous message, and mission groups are traveling in countries from Latin America to Africa to spread the news outside the U.S.

"A lot of people might think, 'The end's coming, let's go party,'" said Exley, a veteran of two deployments in Iraq. "But we're commanded by God to warn people. I wish I could just be like everybody else, but it's so much better to know that when the end comes, you'll be safe."

In August, Exley left her home in Colorado Springs, Colo., to work with Oakland, Calif.-based Family Radio Worldwide, the independent Christian ministry whose leader, Harold Camping, has calculated the May 21 date based on his reading of the Bible.

She is organizing traveling columns of RVs carrying the message from city to city, a logistics challenge that her military experience has helped solve. The vehicles are scheduled to be in five North Carolina cities between now and the second week of January, but Exley will shortly be gone: overseas, where she hopes to eventually make it back to Iraq.

"I don't really have plans to come back," she said. "Time is short."

'Definitely against the grain'
Not everyone who's heard Camping's message is taking such a dramatic step. They're remaining in their day-to-day lives, but helping publicize the prophecy in other ways. Allison Warden, of Raleigh, has been helping organize a campaign using billboards, postcards and other media in cities across the U.S. through a website, We Can Know.

The 29-year-old payroll clerk laughs when asked about reactions to the message, which is plastered all over her car.

"It's definitely against the grain, I know that," she said. "We're hoping people won't take our word for it, or Harold Camping's word for it. We're hoping that people will search the scriptures for themselves."

Camping, 89, believes the Bible essentially functions as a cosmic calendar explaining exactly when various prophecies will be fulfilled.

The retired civil engineer said all his calculations come from close readings of the Bible, but that external events like the foundation of the state of Israel in 1948 are signs confirming the date.

"Beyond the shadow of a doubt, May 21 will be the date of the Rapture and the day of judgment," he said.

The doctrine known as the Rapture teaches that believers will be taken up to heaven, while everyone else will remain on earth for a period of torment, concluding with the end of time. Camping believes that will happen in October.

Liberals Are Cute When They're Bloodthirsty

2011-05-05T10:54:00.000-07:00

In deference to Eric, whose criticism of my cheerleader choice was spot on, I give you the true face of cheerleading in America, & I give it to you in tandem.
Any doubts, go see for yourselves.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-may-3-2011/rachel-maddow?xrs=share_copy

"YIPPEE-KI-YAY MOTHERFUCKER"

2011-05-02T11:11:00.000-07:00

TEAM 6

Yahoo has abandoned their automatic frivolous news story scroll. They've had Obama's execu...oops...Usama's execution front & center all day.

Really not surprised.

We're blood thirsty bastards to the core.

Muslims, Buddhists, Christians, Liberals, Conservatives...

Blood always gets our attention.

As long as it isn't ours.

All blathering peaceniks yattering on about "humanity" & "ethics" & "activism" & "Hollywood style PR" & "feeling lost" are still rubbernecking at the accident scene.

The RI Forum had 12 pages by 9:30 in the AM.

All I could wonder is, 'Does no one have a fucking job?'

They kvetch & whimper about the PR nature of the execution as they simultaneously yatter on about how their Twitter & IM & emails are going crazy.

They are as embedded in the illusory "social network" that has been manufactured for them by the same folk who kill for them as those patriotic rubes out waving flags at 3 in the AM.

Who is really naive enough to believe that anyone in this country, other than those unfortunates who lost family members on 911, actually cares about Osama's role or non-roll in 911?

It's just another victory for TEAM USA.
Our concessions stands have long been known to sell substandard hot dogs & watered down beer.
Our ticket prices have been increasing at an alarming rate while our stadium seating rots & our concrete ramps buckle.
Not to mention the outrageous gouging that's occurring in our shuttle & other transportation services.
Our fans have watched us mount offense after offense, with little or no gain to show for "our" efforts...

They needed a touchdown.

They needed a win.

After Coach Obama delivered his prerequisite after game pep talk, League representative Clinton stepped out and informed everyone that what we thought was a championship game, was really just one in a long line of play-off games to come.

[cue applause]

[cue crowd roar]

Yippee!

Rah-Rah!

Go America!

RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD RETARD

2011-04-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here as rain pelts my window, thinking about this guitar player named Bob who used to jam with my best friend. Shortly after Chernobyl, the three of us were walking through downtown Pittsburgh when it started to rain. We quickly sought shelter in the doorway of a building and, as each pedestrian passed by, Bob politely informed them that "It's radiating." He would then point to the sky & the rain falling from it.
Most completely ignored him. A minority looked at him as if he were insane.

So Bob, tonight it's radiating again. The news media, having milked the Japanese nuclear crisis for days, has moved on to other things. Royal worship, Trump/Obama "birther" bullshit.
Anything of total irrelevance to keep the herd quiet & docile.

But Japan hasn't magically healed.

& the radiation hasn't magically disappeared. Instead it's flying around the world towards a milk carton or leafy vegetable near you.

On a happier note, oil companies are showing record profits.

While many Americans are seething at gas prices, which have hit $5 per gallon in parts of the country, big oil companies are expected to report significant first quarter profits later this week.

Analysts say they expect the world's largest non-government controlled oil company, Exxon, to report a staggering $10 billion profit -- a 60 percent increase.

Shell is expected to post a healthy 22.2 percent gain, translating to $5.9 billion for the company, which is right on par with competitor Chevron's profits.

It's enough to make people grappling with how to survive the pain at the pump furious.

"We're the ones getting shafted," said Jack Foley, a New York City driver.

But experts say you shouldn't cast blame on big oil -- they're not responsible for setting the price.

The real culprit, said Samantha Gross, an energy analyst at IHS Global, are speculators in the oil futures market who bid the prices up, hedging their pocketbooks on the belief that conflict will get worse in the Middle East.

"The Sunoco and Exxons can't do much about that," Gross said. "It's good for them when they're high, but they don't have much ability to change them."

Over at the RI forum, I spent a bit of time reading a thread entitled "Radionics without Retards," where someone posted this:

Speaking of which, it's too bad richard / just_another_dick doesn't show his smarmy self around here.

I suppose I should be flattered that I'm remembered. I even thought about replying but I have no idea what I'd say. I have no idea what "radionics" is, not that it matters since the thread quickly degenerated into a discussion about the relative merits of the word "retard."

The world is inundated in toxins, large portions of the world's population struggle to survive from day to day, yet liberals still find time to moan about words.

As if it matters. I've spent over 18 years around nature's little screw-ups & I'd say that 90% of them wouldn't understand or care if you called them "retards" or "Shakespeares" or "pudding cups."

Some forum head posted a cutesy picture of a little Down's syndrome kid. Really quite touching. Then "justdrew" got all alpha male,

and that is one beautiful and fantastic child seemslikeadream!
anyone tries to call him a name, send them my way...

Geez, I don't know about you, but I'm scared.

Or not.

My first weekend on the job, while hunched over doing paperwork, I heard a loud PLOP above my head. I looked up to see a huge lump of shit stuck to the wall above my head. If I would have been minding my posture like a good little boy, I'd have taken that baby full in the face.
The shit slinger was this Down's guy who, surprisingly enough, looked just as cute when he was a tot.

I'm tempted to ask "justdrew' if he'd still love the little cutey pie in 20 years when the tot is all grown up and flinging feces at him.

The real truth is that we don't actually give too much of shit about retards.
Feebs neither.
Imbeciles & idiots & spazzes are on our short list also.

A hundred years ago we wanted to euthanize them out of existence, 60 years ago we fed them irradiated Wheaties, today we stick them in creepy adult day care centers with poorly trained & poorly educated & poorly paid staff, many of whom I wouldn't trust to babysit my cat. Then we act all shocked & shaken when things go awry & abuses happen.

Figuring this out is fairly simple. All one has to do is look at what this field pays yoohoos like me. Without copious amounts of overtime my 18 years of experience caring for those poor intellectually challenged diaper fillers that liberals so love gives me a salary that is considered poverty level for a family of 4.

Our last raise was a dime.

It's like they piss on your head & expect you to smile about it.

Our health care is increasing constantly so, when all is said & done in about 6 months, I'll be taking home $300 less each month.

Even with today's shitty job outlook, we're still chronically understaffed.

Not that I blame people. It just doesn't pay enough.

Not that anyone cares.

They're too busy worrying about the meanness quotient implicit in the words that are used to describe the people they never get near.

That Old Time Religion Part 3 (The Mourning After)

2011-04-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

To be fair, I think this was a cheap shot fired across Voodoo's bow since the Voodoo folk seem to be more dignified.

I will say that the Christians have a better sense of humor though.

Also, you'd never find this guy at a Voodoo ceremony:

RUSKER HUSKER DU CHUM WADDA CHUM BADDA CHUMBA WUMBADDA FLATU LENCE ATTU BARADA NIKTU

That Old Time Religion Part 2

2011-04-21T21:30:00.001-07:00

If Daniel Hopsicker was this chap
he could speak in tongues.

If Daniel Hopsicker was this fellow
he could sing in tongues.

If Daniel Hopsicker was either of these guys
he could clown around in tongues.

Maybe Daniel Hopsicker needs
to spend a few days
TOKING THE GHOST
like the man below
before he will be able to do anything
even remotely interesting
with his TONGUE.

Happy "Hang Your God Out To Air Dry" day!

SHISHKA BUSKA USKA BUSKA SHEFLAFFLE MELAFFLE QUAZA QUAZO QUIM QUIMBY LA MORLEKA FLAVAY LO FLAVA FLAV HANNA HANNA BARBERA BEAR CRAN BERRY CRAN SKA BOODLE BOODLE BIM BIM!

That Old Time Religion Part 1

2011-04-20T08:19:00.001-07:00

Given the Easter holiday & the fact that I'm in a sharing mood today, I'd like to talk about one of my on-line addictions. While it doesn't involve compulsive masturbation, it is, in many respects, not much better than having a porn monkey on one's back. I, your humble John Thomas, am addicted to Pastor Steven Anderson.

Anyone here who has traveled through the on-line conspiracy community will remember Pastor Anderson from this video:

This video was the rage of the millisecond a few months after Obama assumed his role as chief attendant at our little red, white & blue outhouse.
It was touted as unassailable evidence that we are on the road to fascism & concentration camps.

I'm not here to quibble with those assertions.

Really.

I'm just finding a nice comfy storage facility for my stash.

First up, we have Pastor Anderson defending every man's scrotal sack & his right to dangle it above a toilet rather than in it.

Do you feel enlightened? Just a bit? Come on, be honest, I bet you didn't know that Germany is attempting to force men to squat & wee wee, now didja?

About 1.8 million toilets are already haunted by Spuk, or Spook, as the little $10 device is called. Attached to the underside of the toilet seat, Spuk quietly endures sitting visitors. But anyone trying to lift the seat and attempt to stand and urinate (known as “Stehpinkeln“) should be prepared for the ghost’s unrelenting wrath.

“Hey, stand-peeing is not allowed here and will be punished with fines, so if you don’t want any trouble, you’d best sit down,” one of the devices orders in a voice impersonating the German leader, Chancellor Gerhard Schroder. Another has a voice similar to that of his predecessor, Helmut Kohl.

“Excuse me, but there’s a penalty for peeing while standing in this house,” it warns culprits. “You’d better not risk any problems and sit down!”

Other versions start roaring like a lion or try to persuade stubborn customers with the soothing voice of a female flight attendant

Spuk on the lidPatentwert, the manufacturers of Spuk, say they are ready to direct their gadgets at the British market.

Their prototype English-speaking “WC ghost”: (WC = Water Closet which = toilet), says in an American drawl:

“Don’t you go wetting this floor cowboy, you never know who’s behind you. So sit down, get your water pistol in the bowl where it belongs. Ha, ha, ha.”

Honestly, I don't know if this is true or not. Every site hosting this story seems to reference the same place. One site did give a link to a Daily Telegraph story but that link is long dead.

But that's pretty much irrelevant. It's the subtext that I find interesting.

Next, Pastor Anderson takes issue with anyone who feels that Jesus didn't where pants.

I'm a bit fuzzy on the pants issue. If I'm not mistaken the word "pants" traditionally referred to underwear. Equating it with "slacks" is a fairly recent addition. Anyway, I'm also fairly certain that the first examples of "pants" were worn by both men & women, a bit of transgender hoodoo that would probably make Pastor Anderson quite uncomfortable.

Again though, subtext is the key.

& the key seems to revolve around penis possession.

Personally, I've always found God's gender to be quite fascinating. The idea that the Creator of everything possesses observable genitalia is both amusing & terrifying. (Although it does explain some of my bad days, where I awake instantly feeling as if I've spent hours being slapped in the face with a gigantic scrotal sack.)

The amusing part is self explanatory. (If not, just picture God with his ball sack stuck to His right leg or Goddess affixing a cosmos size sanitary napkin while zapping suns into PMS supernova & I think you'll be on the right track.)

The terrifying part is probably equally self evident given the unquenchable hunger that seems to dominate our little slice of Eden. If God has a cock, it's the cock of a serial rapist &, should He be a She, you know that Goddess' moist over-sized vagina is laced with sharp little teeth just aching for a meaty snack.

But I digress...back to Pastor Anderson.

Honestly, I found that one to be the most shocking. I didn't realize that one could heckle preachers. I think I've found the beginnings of a new hobby.

As for Pastor Anderson, I cling to the small hope that a video of his tazing will one day surface on UTube or Disclose TV. I can't help but feel that his most heartfelt sermonizing occurred there, twitching at the end of a high voltage cable.

Now that I've doled out enough crazy Baptist preacher smack to hook a chess club, I know you'll need more, so you can visit Pastor Anderson at any UTube franchise in your neighborhood or you can hop in your virtual Lexus & drive over to his blog.

Here's a taste from his "Why Most People who are Saved through Soul-winning will not Come to our Church" blog post. I give you reason #7:

7. They are too lazy to come to church.

Because as a church we knock every door in each area we go soul-winning, much of our time is spent knocking doors in slums and ghettos. Many of the people who get saved have very little character and are very unreliable people. Many of them want to come to church and have every intention of coming to church but do not have the character to get themselves out of bed in the morning and drag themselves to church. Many of them can't even hold down a job, let alone come to church on Sunday.

Cheers & Happy Dead God Day!

S(uck it) & P(uddinhead)

2011-04-18T20:17:00.000-07:00

I really don't know what's funnier. S & P still rating the US economy as AAA, much like those toxic assets that originally tanked the economy. Or that S & P still has any credibility whatsoever since they were complicit accessories in the biggest financial heist in US history.

WASHINGTON (AP) -- A key credit agency issued an unprecedented warning to the United States government Monday, urging Washington to get a grip on its finances or risk losing the nation's sterling credit rating.

For the first time, Standard & Poor's lowered its long-term outlook for the federal government's fiscal health from "stable" to "negative," and warned of serious consequences if lawmakers fail to reach a deal to control the massive federal deficit.

An impasse could prompt the agency to strip the government of its top investment rating in the next two years, S&P said. A loss of the triple-A rating would ripple through the American economy, making loans more expensive and credit more difficult to obtain.

The downgrade was interpreted as a rebuke to President Barack Obama and congressional Republicans, admonishing them to put politics aside and come up with a long-term financial plan as soon as possible.

"This is a warning: Don't mess around," said Robert Bixby, executive director of the Concord Coalition, a nonpartisan group that is pushing for deficit reduction.

Analysts at S&P have never before used the outlook to cast doubt on the nation's credit worthiness.

In response, stocks suffered their worst slide in a month. The Dow Jones industrial average plunged 245 points before recovering to close down 140 points for the day.

"The credit quality of U.S. debt is sacrosanct, and legislators will do everything within their power to avoid a downgrade," said Jack Ablin, chief investment officer at Harris Private Bank.

“Investors trusted credit rating agencies to issue accurate and impartial credit ratings, but that trust was broken in the recent financial crisis,” said Levin. “A conveyor belt of high risk securities, backed by toxic mortgages, got AAA ratings that turned out not to be worth the paper they were printed on. The agencies issued those AAA ratings using inadequate data and outmoded models. When they finally fixed their models, they failed for a year -- while delinquencies were climbing -- to re-evaluate the existing securities. Then, in July 2007, the credit rating agencies instituted a mass downgrade of hundreds of mortgage backed securities, sent shockwaves through the economy, and the financial crisis was on. By first instilling unwarranted confidence in high risk securities and then failing to downgrade them in a responsible manner, the credit rating agencies share blame for the massive economic damage that followed.”

Friday’s hearing will examine case studies involving the two largest U.S. credit rating agencies, Standard & Poor’s and Moody’s. The Subcommittee investigation found that these agencies relied on ratings models that failed to predict default rates for high risk home loans, such as subprime, Option ARM, and interest-only mortgages, that made up an increasingly large part of the market. Documents obtained by the Subcommittee show credit rating analysts also often acted with unclear guidance, uncertain criteria, and incomplete understanding of the complex investments they had to evaluate. The agencies also failed to respond to the higher credit risk posed by mortgage fraud, lax lending standards, and poor quality loans in the marketplace.

From 2002 to 2007, the credit rating agencies earned record profits, reporting $6 billion in gross revenues in 2007. They also allowed the drive for profits and market share to affect ratings. Knowing that Wall Street firms might take their business elsewhere if they didn’t get investment-grade ratings for their products, the agencies were vulnerable to pressure from issuers and investment bankers. As one Moody’s executive wrote in October 2007: “It turns out that ratings quality has surprisingly few friends: issuers want high ratings; investors don’t want rating downgrades; short-sighted bankers labor … to game the rating agencies.”

Prophecies R Us

2011-04-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

Obama's debt cutting plan: Everything on the table

After gingerly avoiding any discussion until now of cuts in the government's massive benefit programs for the elderly and poor, Obama will acknowledge a need to reduce spending on Medicare and Medicaid while at the same time tackling defense spending and calling for increased taxes on the wealthy, White House officials said.

Obama is expected to concede a need for overhauling Medicare and Medicaid and to even make adjustments to Social Security, always considered politically risky territory. But he will distinguish his plan from the Republican budget, which would shrink Medicare by shifting the program to private insurers and send block grants to states to pay for Medicaid, the health care program for the poor.

I'm going to polish off my crystal ball & try my hand at a bit of prophecy.

Let me concentrate a minute...

Okay, an image is coming through...

I see Medicare & Medicaid & SSI cuts sliding out of our patriotic bunghole like shit through an Astroglide lubed asshole while defense cuts & increased taxes on the wealthy will form a chalky white, tar-like impaction in the national colon, stubbornly resisting all of Obuma's faux liberal enema therapies & laxative overdoses.

Grannies & grandpas will descend, en masse, on their local grocery's dog food aisle, while hundreds of millions of dollars of spiffy new weaponry will descend on the neighborhoods of anyone unlucky enough to be born anywhere but America.

Geraldo will smile.

Paul Bremer will fondle his own nipples & giggle.

The constipated grimace will finally fade from John Stossel's face.

While John Hagee will enthusiastically masturbate until his piggly wiggly willy bleeds clarified butter.

All will be right in America.

After a time, all seniors will be marginalized as "unnecessary eaters" & burdens. Their cloying neediness will be seen as a huge stumbling block on the road to progress & innovation.
At this point, reality shows will exclusively showcase malnourished and desperate seniors who will be willing to do anything for 3 Bob Evans sausage links and an English muffin.

The crowd will go wild.

Upscale Wall Street executives will hire starving seniors for pennies, employing them to play "Dodge The Mercedes" all along the executive's route to work.
Ultimately this will provide the biggest source for senior employment since seniors are notoriously slow while Mercedes are quite fast & lethal.

To assuage any feelings of guilt that may surface amongst the pre-senior population, special Granddad & Granny apps will be developed by Apple for their IPhone 46 model.

Once all the seniors have been eliminated, elite attention will then focus on the scads of malnourished children who will prove to have a much longer shelf life with a modicum of maintenance.The more attractive children will find themselves the target of a hit & run of an entirely different nature. They will soon envy their Mercedes mutilated brethren.

The haves will finally have it all.

As they should.

The have nots will finally eat their own shit.

As they should.

While behind the scenes, the Wizard of Gahenna will pull off His thorny halo & replace it with a crown of dollar signs. A young Dorothy surrogate will be hauled in & forced to fellate Toto while the Cowardly Lion is forced, at gunpoint, to sodomize her. He will weep through the entire act.

As will Dorothy.

As will we all.

Eventually.

“∆˚¬§∞πø∆µ•…≠8…πˆø

2011-04-10T23:36:00.001-07:00

The world's crumbling, the nurturing Earth mommy still occasionally shakes the shit out of her Japanese children, tornadoes chew up the Midwest like it was a greasy cheesy hunk of BK Whopper & the end is probably nigh...so what? This is the Internut baby, where the medium is the message & the message is usually monosyllabic and delivered with the prerequisite rain of spittle.

First, we have an odd anomaly, or anamoly, filmed over Russia, New Zealand, or New Zeeland, and the International Space Station.

Some say it's a dimensional portal. Others say it's a shape shifting UFO. Personally, I think it's a rare video capture of God's bright blue bunghole just before He takes another dumpppppp on our heads.

As a companion piece I offer this video that allegedly shows "a shape shifting UFO" shifting shape in the skies over California.

Then again, it could be a balloon. The music was nice though. Suitably mystical soundtracks always enhance bad paranormal videos, making the viewing experience much more enjoyable.

Here's a neat video record of the night that Chinese lanterns...oops, I mean the intergalatic space brothers invaded Chicago.

All I can say is "What up, Dawg?

I should point out that the above videos were offered by the same folks who found this Russian UFO footage quite compelling.

Then we have two Bigfoot videos (Yippee!!!):

Both videos seem to follow the guidelines set down in the Capturing Bigfoot On Video handbook. Section 3, subsection 24 states quite plainly that once an anomalous image is captured in the camera's viewfinder, the cameraman should quickly pan away from said anomaly. If that tactic fails, subsection 25 goes on to say that the cameramen should quickly spin in a circle with his camera pointed at the ground.

As far as evidence goes, all of these videos are unquestionably piss poor & unconvincing.

But no more piss poor or unconvincing than George Jr.'s reasons for invading Iraq or Paul Bremer sitting on Geraldo tonight explaining why we need to "win" in Libya.

It appears that one may spout all the lunacy one wants to spout as long as it ends up with huge swathes of dead folk at the end of its dysfunctional little rainbow. But if your lunacy is essentially harmless, watch your back jack. They're gunnin' for ye.

I've heard it said that the truly mad have no idea that they're a few Kosher dills shy of a pickle jar. In other words, if you think you're crazy, you probably aren't.

I'm willing to bet that every Bigfoot hunter & ufologist, at one point, begins to question their own sanity. I'm equally sure that the Paul Bremers of the world never ever ever question they're own sanity.

Personally, I prefer the spittle.

Puerile Pedantic Penile Puff Pops

2011-04-01T12:50:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the title, but I'm running out of blog title gas.

I'm reading Hopsicker's Welcome To Terrorland, a much ballyhooed RI textbook.
I have to admit, it's an interesting read, but for a journalist, Hopsicker seems to rely heavily on the "he said-she said" brand of journalism that seems much more suited to American celebrity "cult-ure.".

The cornerstone of his whole theory seems to revolve around Amanda Keller's stint as terrorist moll.

It has one really huge obstacle to overcome though, Miss Keller retracted her story once again.

For five years, Amanda Keller has been portrayed by conspiracy theorists as Mohamed Atta's lover.

But the former Venice stripper now says her boyfriend was another flight student not connected to 9/11. And, for the first time, federal investigators say she's right.

"There's nothing there to corroborate the relationship between the two," a New York-based FBI counterterrorism agent said recently after reviewing 9/11 case files.

The agent got clearance to talk from the U.S. Attorney's Office and the FBI, but only agreed if his named was not used.

Among other things, the government checked Atta's phone records and found the two had never called each other.

In 2002, Keller granted an interview with Daniel Hopsicker, a Venice self-published writer who maintains the government has covered up facts about 9/11.

In a taped interview that has circled the Internet, Keller casually discusses intimate details about her relationship with "Mohamed." She claimed it was Atta, but changed her story soon after.

"It was my bad for lying," Keller said. "I really didn't think about it until after I did it."

Keller, 24, is engaged and is studying to become a nurse. She moved to Ohio in early 2002 and said she hoped that by getting married and changing her name, she could finally leave the rumors behind.

Maybe she was pressured to do so.

Maybe not.

Here are some photos of Miss Keller with her terrorist lover:

Here's the photo of Atta that's passed around the world like a bong at a rave.

Maybe it's me, but they don't look anything alike.

It appears that Hopsicker is selling a tub of rotten turds. Then again, maybe this is the rotten turd that's meant to spoil the rest of the turds.

It does lead one to question Hopsicker's "journalistic skills." If his fact checking is this bad here, is the rest of the book equally tainted.

Since I'm in a photo pasting mood, I thought I'd give Jeff & one of his forum stalwarts a bit of the spotlight.

Here's Jeff:

& here's Project Willow, on the right:

The Internut is a funny place. It's been a few years since I've made any concerted effort to wend my way through the RI wonderland & I still don't know if the site is satire, serious or serious disinformation.

Starsky & Hutch Take Libya

2011-03-29T19:26:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting bit of journalistic hocus-pocus from last night's Jon Stewart show. I'm labeling Stewart's comedy shtick as "journalism" because it is journalism to the hipper members of the American left since Stewart is popularly viewed as someone willing to "speak truth to power." Whatever the fuck that mouthful actually means in real terms is infinitely debatable.

Personally, I see Stewart as the anti-Beck. Or maybe Glenn Beck is the anti-Stewart. Either way, they feed at the same media trough, and they've both grown quite wealthy spoon feeding Americans the preformed opinions they crave like smack.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Mansour O. El-Kikhia

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

What I found interesting is how easily Stewart slips back into the "US as world cop" obfuscation.
This hunk of moldy dogshit has been painted on every boot heel we've stomped in someone else's chest since about the dawn of forever.

Tonight, Stewart followed with much of the same as he defended Obama's "why we're bombing Libya" speech as a less bullshit laden version of every president's need to balance "national interest" with "humanitarian concern."

It seems that even truth speakers like Stewart have their secret little hard-ons for a good bloodbath.

What I really found most disturbing about the little exchange above is Professor
El-Kikhia's cavalier dismissal of "nation-states" coupled with his call for Obama to
"take a stance in changing the world order."
How this differs from the neo-con agenda entirely escapes me.

Probably because it doesn't.

But Stewart, truth speaker to the powerful that he is, couldn't let that little canard fly free. He had to skewer it with that razor like intellect liberal America so loves to love.
My favorite part has to be this bit:

"The humanitarian goal of America to save people from despots is a righteous one but...do we have anymore the power, the capability, to go into these places, change the regimes, stay there and rebuild the country that we have disassembled...I don't know that that's feasible."

The professor responds, then Stewart goes on to say:

"So you believe in the leadership of the United States...the problem is our competing interests. The Chinese & Russia, they are very strategic in how...sure we can keep taking the lead, and they will keep taking the proceeds from that & not putting anything in."

I think we have, in a nutshell, Jon Stewart's entire quibble with the US military/industrial/cineplex...

Utterly fucking amazing.

Stewart, not content sounding like a complete buffoon, also goes on to alter history back to pre-GW status by saying this about the Soviet Union's foray into Afghanistan:

"Okay, Russia invades Afghanistan. We go in & we arm the rebels there, and they repel a Russian invasion there against all odds, and we think, 'What a remarkable thing we've done,' and those rebels become the Taliban & Osama bin Laden."

Do you see why Stewart is the anti-Beck?
If not, maybe the phrase "good cop/bad cop" will jog something loose.

Q: The former director of the CIA, Robert Gates, stated in his memoirs ["From the Shadows"], that American intelligence services began to aid the Mujahadeen in Afghanistan 6 months before the Soviet intervention. In this period you were the national security adviser to President Carter. You therefore played a role in this affair. Is that correct?

Brzezinski: Yes. According to the official version of history, CIA aid to the Mujahadeen began during 1980, that is to say, after the Soviet army invaded Afghanistan, 24 Dec 1979. But the reality, secretly guarded until now, is completely otherwise: Indeed, it was July 3, 1979 that President Carter signed the first directive for secret aid to the opponents of the pro-Soviet regime in Kabul. And that very day, I wrote a note to the president in which I explained to him that in my opinion this aid was going to induce a Soviet military intervention.

Q: Despite this risk, you were an advocate of this covert action. But perhaps you yourself desired this Soviet entry into war and looked to provoke it?

Brzezinski: It isn't quite that. We didn't push the Russians to intervene, but we knowingly increased the probability that they would.

Q: When the Soviets justified their intervention by asserting that they intended to fight against a secret involvement of the United States in Afghanistan, people didn't believe them. However, there was a basis of truth. You don't regret anything today?

Brzezinski: Regret what? That secret operation was an excellent idea. It had the effect of drawing the Russians into the Afghan trap and you want me to regret it? The day that the Soviets officially crossed the border, I wrote to President Carter: We now have the opportunity of giving to the USSR its Vietnam war. Indeed, for almost 10 years, Moscow had to carry on a war unsupportable by the government, a conflict that brought about the demoralization and finally the breakup of the Soviet empire.

Q: And neither do you regret having supported the Islamic [integrisme], having given arms and advice to future terrorists?

Brzezinski: What is most important to the history of the world? The Taliban or the collapse of the Soviet empire? Some stirred-up Moslems or the liberation of Central Europe and the end of the cold war?

Q: Some stirred-up Moslems? But it has been said and repeated: Islamic fundamentalism represents a world menace today.

Brzezinski: Nonsense! It is said that the West had a global policy in regard to Islam. That is stupid. There isn't a global Islam. Look at Islam in a rational manner and without demagoguery or emotion. It is the leading religion of the world with 1.5 billion followers. But what is there in common among Saudi Arabian fundamentalism, moderate Morocco, Pakistan militarism, Egyptian pro-Western or Central Asian secularism? Nothing more than what unites the Christian countries.
Interview of Zbigniew Brzezinski Le Nouvel Observateur (France), Jan 15-21, 1998, p. 76

Of course, the above quote from ol' ZEE BEE is old baggage from The Bush Years: Liberal Internet Blogger Edition. I'd bet money that Stewart even covered it at some point.

But that was then

While this is now:

"The liberal class played the same function during the war in Vietnam. War becomes a necessary evil. The rhetoric of the liberal class, however, mocks the brutal reality of war. Most liberals have never been in combat. Their children rarely serve in the military. They neither know nor understand the destructive power of modern weaponry or the propensity on the part of armed combatants, whose fear and paranoia are raised to a fever pitch, to shoot any person, armed or unarmed, or obliterate whole villages in air strikes, if they feel threatened."
Chris Hedges

Another Day Another War

2011-03-22T08:14:00.001-07:00

Saturday night I saw Geraldo Rivera salivating as the "anti-war" president went to war.
Then again, is it really war or just a sport with a high price tag?
Geraldo made copious use of the word "we" in much the same way a sports fan uses it, dissecting Team Odyssey Dawn & Team Gadhafi as if he were an ESPN talking head dissecting a Steelers/Browns match-up.

President Marketing had fun recycling the same language that US presidents always use right before they blow the shit out of someone. It amazes me that no matter how many wars end up being about something nefarious, they always start out as "defensive" wars undertaken to "protect" the innocent.

You think we'd learn.

Then again, maybe we have. War, like sports, is little more than a vicarious pursuit for most Americans. Evidently there is no greater thrill for the American population than entwining their dwindling self esteem with victories they really have nothing to do with.

Anyway, these decisions are beyond our purview. Agree or disagree as you please, just don't expect any of your opinions to matter much.

Given Jim Cramer's salivating assurances that oil prices will drop once the no-fly zone is put into place and all that Libyan oil "comes on-line," one can't help but wonder what O-bama Lama's response would have been if Libya's wells were empty.
Of course, dropping oil prices means little to me since I doubt that any of it will be reflected at the pumps or at the grocery aisle.

Predators rarely back off once they've tasted weakness & blood & profit.

At least six states are considering either canceling or delaying their 2012 presidential primaries, mostly to save money.

Why not cancel all elections?
Our owners can then do publicly what they've been doing clandestinely for years.

Since there's no shortage of Tomahawk missile money, money doesn't appear to be the real issue. Maybe elections are just another example of outdated Socialist excess loudly crying out for the "austerity measure" chopping block.

Either way, I don't think it really matters.

Jim Cramer unsubtly explaining to the unemployed how to suck cock for a Mad Twenty
Here he's shown covering "Cock Grasping & Mouth Width."
Tomorrow, Mr. Cramer will discuss anal lubrication for the underemployed
in a lecture entitled "Spittle: Equivalent To KY Yet Cheaper Than Penny Stocks."
Tune In, Turn Off & Drop Dead.

From The Kingdom Of Caring Comes Another Care-A-Lot Adventure

2011-03-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

I seriously have to thank the RI forum crew. I am immensely grateful for the mega-chuckles I've had cruising through the Internut eco-Care Bear wonderland.
Something I wouldn't have done without the RI cult of smug little Googlers.
Originally, I was gonna post this there just to be a wanker, but I lost interest & it languished.

(To be honest, I was afraid they'd wilt me with more sarcasm. I must say, that is one effective weapon. If I were them, sarcasm would definitely be my weapon of choice when those ravening hordes of starving, overweight Americans descend on their veggie gardens. As a back up plan, they can always disable them with irony.)

Then I read Chris Hedge's new book, The Death Of The Liberal Class, & his masterful deconstruction of liberal bullshit inspired me play pile on.
I should add that I spent a large chunk of my youth as a flaming liberal, eternally hopeful that the Democratic Party would eventually do something liberal if I just kept voting for them.
Thus my embarrassing 1st term support for Billary Clinton.
I can still feel the rectal scars from that particularly nasty piece of faux liberal dildo.

I suppose that I've always had suspicions that the eco-Care Bear movement wasn't nearly as fuzzy wuzzy as it sounded. Little did I know how unfuzzy & unwuzzy it really is.

My first exhibit is a web page detailing the "prophetic Earth change visions" of a man named George Shaffer.

From what I can tell from the 15 years of visions he's posted, none of them have come to pass. No "Tsunami hitting Japan." No "Japan's reactors spring leak."
Boy, lucky us, huh?

To be fair, he does post this for 3/12/10:

During meditation I saw a mushroom cloud which would be a result of a nuclear device being detonated above ground. Then I was shown a page of oriental style writing which (of course) I could not read. I was probably being made aware of where this could be happening.

which is disarmingly close to our current state of affairs.

Truthfully, the bulk of the visions are fairly repetitive. Replete with massive volcanoes & jiggly Earth crust & comets raining from the sky, they really become quite boring rather quickly.
Still, George seems like a nice enough fellow, so I'll give him points for sincerity.

But the absolute best part of the site is the little audio clip that clicks on as soon as you land in EarthChangeLand.

Over a soundtrack of, what sounds like, quasi-Universal Monster Movie-like organ music, Mr. Shaffer, in a bizarrely robotic manner, delivers his message of welcome & Earth change.

"We...must...also...re...cog...nize...that...hu...man...thought...has...the...a...bil....ity...to...change...the...fu...ture.

We..hu...mans...have...been...given...free...will...and...we...bet...ter...start...
using...it...in...a...positive...way."

Cool. George seems to be the Jiminy Cricket of the Earth Change movement, mechanically singing:
"when...you...wish...up...on...a...star..."

All in all, George sounds like the narrator of a bad 50s sci-fi flick.
Quite amusing.

George even has a page of "UFO visions." That's a surprise. Didn't see that one coming.
George says,

"I...have...ne...ver...seen...a...fly...ing...sau...cer...but...I...have...seen...stra...nge...lights...in...the...sky...

Who are we kidding here George? Or should I say VALIS?

My next exhibit is a website called Live Green Or Die. Gosh, sounds like the home of the warrior mystics wing of the eco-Care Bear movement.

The site appears to be a web portal to all things organic.
Let's look at some nifty organic clothing.
One site, called GAIAM, offers eco-friendly clothing to the discerning woman of the eco-Care Bear persuasion. (am I being too gender specific when I use the word "woman?" I understand that liberal "men" tend have blurry gender lines & I'd hate to offend anyone. Maybe I could refer to them as Real D vaginas while the men could be Virtual Penises) Let's see, 1 vest & 1 pair of organic slacks = $100. As an accessory, they also offer a "fair trade" necklace made by Thailand's Karen hill tribe. This goes for $149 dollars. That makes the price tag on this little ensemble ad up to $250 dollars.

The next outfit offered to us is a Mini Thermal Shrug for $58, an Organic Cotton Stretch Cami with Bra for $29 & Organic Bootcut Pants for $68. That comes to $155 for this hot & stylish eco-Care Bear ensemble.

To be fair, this appears semi-cheap compared to the sites offering silk ($149) or hemp ($85) blouses. Now, the hemp clothing wouldn't be bad if I could ball it up & shove it in my bong once it slips out of style in eco-Care Bear Land.
Alas, I fear it ain't so Joe.

Although, it's nice to know that an eco-friendly world will still be a fashion statement world. There are so many sentient Barbie Dolls wandering around, one would hate to think that the brave new world would leave out the "look cutesy & accessorize" contingent of vagina owners.

Okay, enough fashion. Let's move on to a few folk who are pillars of the eco-Care Bear community.

First up, we have Sun Bear, a self styled shaman who predicted periods of hurricanes & tornadoes, continent busting earthquakes, spewing volcanoes, famines & plagues.
I say self styled because some Native Americans doubted his bloodline and dismissed him as a white "wannabe" who ripped off their traditions.

Gee, imagine that...a white guy playing shaman.
Sounds so...so...unique.

Next, we have Gordon Michael Scallion & his Matrix Institute. Gordon offers a newsletter subscription at $69 per year and a map set priced at $50, showing what the world will look like after the earth changes occur & Mommy finishes our collective spanking.
These maps have been provided to Gordon in visions, first in 1979 & then updated periodically since that time. I guess the future is even a bit fuzzy in the spirit world. Maybe Mommy keeps changing Her mind. After all, that's supposed to be a woman's prerogative. Oops, I said "woman," didn't I? I meant to type "real D vagina." My bad.

Let's look at some of Gordon's visionary bulls...oops...I mean, visionary wisdom.

• Two years before the current economic crisis began Gordon Michael Scallion warned readers to prepare for an economic downturn that would rival The Great Depression. Thousands of "Intuitive Flash" members took advantage of Mr. Scallion’s insight and took action.

• A year before New Orleans was hit by a hurricane, Gordon Michael Scallion warned that the city of New Orleans would go under water within the coming year and that coastal residents should get flood insurance to protect their investments.

• When oil was trading at $23 a barrel Gordon Michael Scallion warned that oil would hit $50 on its way up to over $100 a barrel. Many readers dumped their gas guzzlers for Mr. Scallion’s recommended hybrid vehicles.

• When gold was trading at $350 Gordon Michael Scallion predicted gold would break $1,000 and silver $20 in 2007 or 2008. Many readers took Mr. Scallion’s advice and diversified their holdings to include some gold and silver.

• In 1992 Gordon Michael Scallion warned that student violence would erupt especially at schools. Mr. Scallion stated that this was caused by metaphysical influences and would continue until the world moved from a materialist society to a spiritual one.

• At the May 2007 Edgar Cayce Prophecy Conference, 19 months before the U.S. Presidential election, Mr. Scallion while in a higher intuitive state of consciousness was asked, “Who will be the next U.S. President?“ Mr. Scallion responded, “Lincoln will occupy the White House.“ Answering a follow up question, “Who is Lincoln,” Mr. Scallion replied, "Obama."

Hmmm...diversified investments? Gold & silver ownership? Hybrid vehicles? Obama is Lincoln? (Given Honest Abe's secret dislike for our darker citizens, this particular incarnation must be quite the bummer)

Gee, I'm beginning to think that the eco-Care Bear movement is comprised of upscale wealthy liberals.

There's also the really disturbing "stench of whitebread" around this whole movement.
Surely, that can't be true, can it? Upscale liberals who privately avoid the unwashed masses they publicly champion. Although, it would explain why early Earth Changers had a creepy fondness for The Phoenix Liberator & its end times Bloody Mary sprinkled with anti-Jewish paprika screeds.

Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, depending on your level of cynicism, the disturbing "whitebread stench" seems to float around a great many liberal institutions. For instance, my last foray into Mother Jones Land revealed a magazine made up of white liberals with a "minority" fetish. Lots of photos capturing the American low rent minority in his/her native habitat, but no minority voices evident in the actual writing.

I won't even get into the other disturbing fog cloud wafting up, like bad taco & beer farts, from the nether regions of the eco-Care Bear movement This would be their tendency to commandeer indigenous knowledge for their own selfish ends. Let's ask Maria Sabina
to give her thoughts on the Western co-opting of her culture.

"From the moment the foreigners arrived, the 'holy children' lost their purity. They lost their force, they ruined them. Henceforth they will no longer work. There is no remedy for it"

But hey, she got to meet Dylan & Lennon & Jagger & Richards. Loss of one's own culture is, I think, a small price to pay for even a tiny smidge of western celebrity cult-ure, don't ya think?

I will say that it is amazing how all of these anti-capitalist eco-Care Bears have little problem with capitalism as long as the money flows towards them.

Finally, we have John Seed, author of Thinking Like A Mountain: Towards A Council Of All Being. Wow! "Thinking like a mountain?" I suppose this sounds difficult doesn't it? For me, it works best when I imagine that I'm playing a game of 'rock, paper, scissors.' Just without the paper & scissors part.

John created a series of eco-role playing games called the Council Of All Beings.
We'll let John seed our discussion with his wisdom.

"The Council of All Beings is a series of re-Earthing rituals created by myself and Joanna Macy to help end the sense of alienation from the living Earth that most of us feel, and to connect us with new sources of joy, commitment and inspiration that follow from union with Gaia."

"In the Council of All Beings we weave together three important themes:
After preliminaries to introduce ourselves to each other and build up trust, we begin with a MOURNING ritual. It is only to the extent that we will allow ourselves to feel the pain of the Earth, that we can be effective in Her healing. As Joanna Macy points out "Deep ecology remains a concept without the power to transform our awareness, unless we allow ourselves to feel - which means feeling the pain within us over what is happening to our world. The workshop serves as a safe place where this pain can be acknowledged, plumbed, released. Often it arises as a deep sense of loss over what is slipping away - ancient forests and clean rivers, birdsong and breathable air. It is appropriate then to mourn - for once at least, to speak our sorrow and, when appropriate, to say goodbye to what is disappearing from our lives. As participants let this happen, in the whole group or in small clusters, there is hopelessness expressed. There is also something more: a rage welling up and a passionate caring.

The energy previously locked up in the denial of these feelings is released and becomes available to us. The sense of numbness and paralysis evaporates and we prepare for action.

Then we move on to exercises which assist the REMEMBERING of our rootedness in nature. For instance in the evolutionary remembering, we use guided visualisation and movement/dance to recapitulate our entire evolutionary journey and release the memories locked in our DNA. We invite the experience that every cell in our body is descended in an unbroken chain from the first cell that appeared on the Earth 4 billion years ago, through fish that learned to walk the land, reptiles who's scales turned to fur and became mammals, evolving through to the present.

We further extend our sense of identity in the Council of All Beings itself where, after finding an ally in the natural world and making a mask to represent that ally, we discover that we can indeed give voice to the voiceless ones. In Council, we lend our voices to the animals and plants and features of the landscape and are shocked at the very different view of the world that emerges from their dialogue. Creative suggestions for human actions emerge and we invoke the powers and knowledge of these other life-forms to empower us in our lives.

The Council also provides tools for practicing our deep ecology in our daily lives. As many participants in this work have discovered, alignment with our larger identity clarifies, dignifies and heals our personal conflicts. We see that the pain of the Earth is our own pain and the fate of the Earth is our own fate. The Council of All Beings empowers us to act on behalf of the Earth and gives us clarity and direction for this work.In the same fashion it clarifies and orders our patterns of consumption, our needs for intimacy and support, our priorities for action."

Wow, I feel healed already.

Although, in my experience, bullshit like this plays out very differently when it's away from the printed page.
Let's see how one participant describes his joyous journey to THE COUNCIL OF ALL BEING:

The preaching was undeniably scary, but the Council itself didn't really work for me. It consisted of play-pretend ritual exercises that were supposed to make us "see" reality from the perspective of animals & plants, but in fact it generated more cringing than tremors. We got going early on Saturday morning, with a loosening up exercise called "Eco-Milling," which involved wandering around in circles and stopping occasionally to hug a stranger, staring into his or her eyes and saying, "I love this person! This person is a valued member of the biotic community!" In the afternoon we nestled in for part one of our "despair work," in which each of us, speaking "as humans," talked about our planetary grief in long, foamy lipped confessionals.

-----snip-----

The Council officially opened with everyone's statement of creature identity. Caged Dove, the hipster gent, skittered down his own unique and eloquent path. "I cost $19.95 at the pet store. I cringe. I poop. I realize this is my life. I'm a bird in a cage. I'm the dove." Elephant, predictably, had spent a long time fashioning her mask: a mammoth construction project featuring a long trunk made of tightly twisted newspapers. But on this day she was upstaged by the quiet dignity of Pond, who, after listening to Elephant's long, tearful bugling of despair, turned up her tiny cardboard face and whispered "Lick me-e-e Elephant."

The rhetoric boiled over soon enough, with entities like Baboon, Lizard, and Road Kill giving it everything they had. (Especially Road Kill who wailed: "Three hundred fucking million of us a year! Deer, moose, birds, countless insects who are killed every day by the two-leggeds who have no fur, feathers, or wings and who drive their cars over us!") Then, after, a half hour of shtick, fury, and keening, Seed gave us the cue for final healing to begin.

Amazing. Seed created a forum where whiny liberals could whine to their heart's content, and then he charged them an entrance fee.

Gee, that sounds like capitalism to me. Well, the con man side of capitalism where I pay real money for an illusion draped in marketing. Coincidentally, this seems to be the only form of capitalism that has survived into the 21st century.

While I could literally go on & on with these hilarious eco-Care Bear delusions, I've already typed far too long. I suspect most of you stopped reading long ago.

Which is cool. If I were a fuzzy wuzzy eco-Care Bear, I wouldn't want to read this shit either.

I suppose what really burns my bonnet is that this wonderful liberal Mommy love movement seems to require something I've lacked my entire life, copious amounts of money.
Luckily I don't really give a tinker's tit.
My feelings about collapse survival surprisingly mirror my feelings about Heaven. Whenever a long winded, yet inspired Christian, attempts to shackle me with concern about my immortal soul, I always say the same thing:

"Gosh a'mighty, do you think you're Heaven bound?"

They invariable sputter something like

"I don't know, but I sure hope so. (chuckle, chuckle) Why?"

I reply, "Because, if you're going to be there, I don't want to go."

My feelings on post collapse survival with eco-Care Bears is exactly the same.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Oh, & don't take this as a dismissal of the huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge fucking pile of shit that is most assuredly heading toward our collective fan...
I see it too.

I just haven't figured out a way to commodify that knowledge.

Oh well, another personal failing to add to the list....

Hmmmmm....

2011-03-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

March 8, 2011:

Treasury prices declined Tuesday, pushing yields up slightly, as investors grew more comfortable moving away from the relative safety of U.S. bonds and into stocks.

U.S. bonds had been higher in earlier trading amid concerns about European sovereign debt and lingering turmoil in Libya and the Mideast. Reports surfaced that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi may be negotiating an exit.

Traders said the reception to the government’s sale of 3-year notes was very average, offering little to drive the market for the day. They also continued to position for two more auctions of longer-dated debt this week.

March 15, 2011:

Investors sought the relative safety of U.S. Treasurys, sending prices higher and yields lower. The yield on the 10-year Treasury note dropped to 3.23 percent from 3.36 percent late Monday.

Well, that's one way to reignite interest in a failing brand, eh?
More "through my tears I see opportunity" I suppose...

Then again?

(Insert funereal HAARP music of your choice)

Here's A Tiny Bit Of Human Fuckness For Y'all

2011-03-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

Since I've been re-assigned to babysit a client who has yet to be released from the psych ward, I am pretty much a third wheel there. Consequently, they move me around from building to building to fill staffing shortages.
On Saturday night, that lucky building's manager received a call from one of the client's mothers. She wanted the facility to retrieve her son and return him to the facility because she was unable to do it.
The manager agreed to come and quickly nominated me as designated driver.

It turned out that my destination was a precinct house.

Mom was in jail. That was why she couldn't bring him back.

One of the officers explained that B's mother was evidently blowing a man for drug money or drugs with B in the room watching just as the cops conducted a raid of that particular drug dealer.

Now, imagine that. This kid's mom was blowing a guy while her retarded son watched.

& they wonder why this kid continually fixates sexually on certain female staff.

B. looks like the Christmas Story kid only 20 pounds skinnier & sporting a crew cut.

He ambulates by dragging his legs behind him as he pulls himself along the floor.

He speaks relatively coherently, so all night he kept saying "she was blowing him & they arrested her. I hate them."
Then he'd bawl a bit & the tape loop would return to the beginning & start all over again.

Like a funeral dirge.

"Hope & Change" For Idiots

2011-03-04T16:54:00.000-08:00

Let's see, there are roughly 98,000 U.S. soldiers in Afghanistan.

And civilian military contractors number somewhere above 200,000.

Let's see what President Marketing has to say:

BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: Our overarching goal remains the same; to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat al-Qaeda in Afghanistan and Pakistan and to prevent its capacity to threaten America and our allies in the future.

Now let's see what someone from the military has to say. I nominate General James Jones:

JONES: The good news that Americans should feel at least good about in Afghanistan is that the al-Qaeda presence is very diminished. The maximum estimate is less than 100 operating in the country. No bases. No ability to launch attacks on either us or our allies.

Alrighty then, over 300,000 people waging war against 100 "terrorists."

Gee, that can't be right, can it?
Is our trillion dollar military really that fucking pathetic?

Or is there another reason for our continuing presence in Afghanistan?

I know what you're thinking...oil & empire & profits, profits & more profits.

Corporate military contractors sucking the public teat dry, more concerned about their own bottom line than about ending the war....

Football fields filled with the opium that fills 92% of the world's demand while also filling the pockets of our elite masters...

Sorry.

But I respectfully beg to differ.

After careful & judicious use of my penile dowsing truth wand, I think I've discovered the real reason we're in Afghanistan. It is so simple & so gosh darn American I feel that it's been overlooked.

That reason, my friends, is simple urban renewal.

If you don't believe me, just look below. First, we have an Afghan village before the U.S. military's arrival:

& here, we have the same village after the military has had it's way with her:

I'd also toss in our sudden interest in all things green & ecology friendly, since the pre-military photo shows a messy conglomeration of lumpy unattractive dwellings, while the second photo shows the same mess reduced back to good old ecologically friendly dirt.

If you doubt this, just witness the "greening" of Detroit:

Y'see? The new Detroit is much, much greener.

So, the next time you find yourself being sucked into the orbit of anti-war eco-Care Bears who have nothing better to do than whine incessantly, please point out exactly how "the liberal agenda" finds it's friendliest bedfellows in the U.S. power elite.

ON A MORE PERSONAL NOTE....

I'm touched beyond words.

Finally, I'm receiving the recognition I sorely crave. My efforts to raise the standards of blooging & bloogers everywhere has finally borne fruit.
I received this email a few weeks ago & I've been meaning to share but, quite frankly, I've been quite emotional over this. It's warmed the frigid cockles of my heart.

Hello,
This is Shiela from permanenthairremover.co.uk.
We stumbled on your blog while searching for Permanent Hair Remover related information. We operate the largest Permanent Hair Remover website featuring more than 30,000 blogs. Our site averages 200,000 uniques visitors per month. Based on your blog's popularity and other factors, we have featured your blog at http://permanenthairremover.co.uk/blog_awards/index.php?id=49657

As you can see, I've not only attained "popularity," something I've craved since the day I told my entire grade school class "You all stink & your mommas stink too," but I've also managed to reach the Mecca of bloogerdom, having one's bloog turn up in a search for "Permanent Hair Remover related information."

I...I think I have an erection. I think I really should just stop reading it. It makes me want to
weep in uncontrollable gratitude or have sex with myself.
(No doubt this is the algorithmic algorithm linking hair removal to purple veined Dicks sprinkled liberally throughout bloogerdom, since everyone knows that stroking one's own erection invariably leads to hairy palms. Hairy palms being the number one factor that uncloaks the furtive & secretive self polluter, thereby creating a leading candidate for "hair removal.")

If only Ma & Pa were here to share my joy.

I know they'd be soooooooooooooooo fucking proud.

I remember Pa's last words to me, there in the hospital, as I embarked on my career as a tard wrangler.

Pa said, "You're gonna wipe ass? Retard ass? What are you, simple? C'mere boy, I've got something hard for that thick fucking head of yours. That's it...a little clo...cough...sputter...gasp..."

Pa died that day, knowing, in his heart of hearts, that retards need toilet paper just like real people do.
& he died knowing that his son, the apple of his eye, had decided to spend the best part of his future with his hand up someone else's backside.

Gosh. I really don't see how I can top this...I fear I've scaled the pinnacled heights of internet fame & glory & blown my last load upon her craggly visage...

Nowhere left to go but down I suppose.........

Unfinished Business

2011-02-09T15:59:00.000-08:00

Bigfoot, you have my condolences. I know that doesn't help much.
Hang tough. I won't lie & say the pain disappears, but it does recede to a dull ache.
Peace mate.

The Idea Light Bulb Sputters To Life

2011-02-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

The latest startling revelation to come via documents leaked to Julian Assange's muckraking website and published by The Guardian is should give pause to every suburban SUV-driver: U.S. officials think Saudi Arabia is overpromising on its capacity to supply oil to a fuel-thirsty world. That sets up a scenario, the documents show, whereby the Saudis could dramatically underdeliver on output by as soon as next year, sending fuel prices soaring.

The cables detail a meeting between a U.S. diplomat and Sadad al-Husseini, a geologist and former head of exploration for Saudi oil monopoly Aramco, in November 2007. Husseini told the American official that the Saudis are unlikely to keep to their target oil output of 12.5 million barrels per day output in order to keep prices stable. Husseini also indicated that Saudi producers are likely to hit "peak oil"--the point at which global output hit its high mark--as early as 2012. That means, in essence, that it will be all downhill from there for the enormous Saudi oil industry.

"According to al-Husseini, the crux of the issue is twofold. First, it is possible that Saudi reserves are not as bountiful as sometimes described, and the timeline for their production not as unrestrained as Aramco and energy optimists would like to portray," one of the cables reads. "While al-Husseini fundamentally contradicts the Aramco company line, he is no doomsday theorist. His pedigree, experience and outlook demand that his predictions be thoughtfully considered."

"Startling revelation."

To who?

Tick tock baby.

Of course, the clock has been ticking for a while now. Maybe this time it will be loud enough to drown out the Super Bowl & Miss Lohan's journey through the penal system & the American Idol "beg rich people for fame" debacle.

I sat through the local Super Bowl build up on Sunday where our local new shows appeared to devote their entire broadcast to things black & gold.
They even had a bit of consumer friendly investigative reporting where they had a crew of local college kids order pizza from all the pizza chains, Dominos, Pizza Hut, etc., and they timed the delivery speed so that all the over-sized football watching meat lumps would know the quickest way to get their Super Bowl snacks.
I suppose there's nothing quite as dangerous as mobs of hungry sports watching pudgeballs.

I spent 32 hours of my weekend with two staff who appear to exist in a self created fantasy land.
One is a 19 year old kid who is furiously trying to prop up his manhood by using his extensive video game victory history to paper over the myriad times jocks kicked his ass in high school.
The other guy is 350 pounds of blubber who spends a good $50 a month on muscle mags while he also feeds his addiction to Zingers & Mountain Dew.
Every time some overweight woman popped on the tube he felt compelled to point out how fat & disgusting he found them. His ideal woman seems to be a sentient Barbie Doll. The downside is that most hot sentient Barbie Dolls don't appear very anxious to date a guy who would have to set his belly on her head if she decided to blow him.
Consequently, he never gets any dates.

Then, on Monday, the Residential Service's director called to inform me that my 19 year job was being eliminated. They were transferring the most violent half wit thug to another facility. My only employment option was to follow him & be his widdle baby sitter.
They held me in such high regard as an employee, they waited till the last minute to tell me & gave me just a few hours to decide. Of course, management knew this change was coming.

Luckily, I'm the only one he doesn't hit. I'm the dumb fucking asshole who everyone else stands behind every time the big fuck head decides to have a tantrum. While I can control him, I don't like him. If it were up to me the little shit would have a shock collar on & every time he tried to pound someone I'd send him to the mat all twitchy & pissing. & I'd smile while I did it.

As you can see, I have nothing left.
No empathy.
No compassion.
I no longer understand why we feel compelled to keep these damaged goods breathing.

For the first time in my life I think I completely understand the meaning of the phrase,
"The road to Hell is paved with good intentions."

We, as a species, have built an entire Yellow Brick Road of good intentions, & it is leading directly to Hell.

Take a deep breath & smell the fucking sulphur.

It's everywhere.

Another Missed Opportunity

2011-02-08T09:28:00.000-08:00

Damn. I'm usually awake in the wee hours of the morning and this looks like it would have passed near my house.

In the early morning hours of Oct. 24, 2008, as western Pennsylvania slept, FAA radar appears to have tracked roughly three dozen unknown targets cruising from south to northeast.

What Kathleen Bergen can confirm from the agency’s regional office is that power-point creator Glen Schultze did, in fact, request and receive FAA records. Schultze contends the incident is significant. From his home in Littleton, Colo., he writes, the radar targets are moving “in an operational pattern that is consistent with what can be argued is a coordinated search or survey mission extending over 10,000 square nautical miles of Western Pennsylvania.”

A few words about Schultze. His name may ring a bell as the co-author of the Stephenville UFO incident for the Mutual UFO Network. Schultze’s credentials as a radar analyst go back to the Fifties when he tracked missiles for the Army at White Sands. His assignments have been diverse, from civilian intelligence agencies scarfing up Soviet radar signals bouncing off the moon to accident investigations for the FAA.

Schultze came across the 10/24/08 data by accident. He was actually trying to get skin-paint verification of a 10/23/08 early-morning sighting report in Ohio, but the FAA sent him beacon returns instead. When he renewed his request, he says the agency sent him records for the following day. Schultze received overlapping skin-paint returns from three FAA stations some 100 miles apart. Schultze described the targets as “uncooperative,” meaning they had no transponders, and their signatures were different from “the four or five planes we had over that part of Pennsylvania during that time of night.”

According to the radar station code-named QCF, with which Schultze used to piece together the reconstruction, the targets were tracked from 2 a.m. to 4:30 a.m. at variable speeds ranging from 7 to 20 mph, and up to 40 mph at the top end. The objects flew at between 4,000 and 5,000 feet, which didn’t pose a traffic hazard for the known planes whose cruising altitudes were roughly 20,000 feet.

Hmmm...they were traveling between 7 mph & 40 mph?
Seems a bit slow for spacecraft.

Maybe they were senior citizen ETs. I bet that any pilot in the area, lucky enough to obtain a visual, would have seen Grandpa & Grandma ET's little turn signals blinking throughout their entire journey.

Personally, I think it was some Ruth Norman's friends stopping by to take her to play intergalactic bingo.

Too bad she's dead.

Or is she?

I smell the beatified effluvium of an Ascended Master. I surely do.
You go girl.

Holy Shit Batman! Did I Really Write This?

2011-02-02T22:43:00.000-08:00

Quite frankly, I've had enough.

I've had enough of staring at people's shit caked ass cracks.

& I've had enough of watching giggling loonies gouge bloody craters in their own faces.

& I've had enough of listening to endlessly repeating verbal & behavorial tape loops that pass themselves off as human beings.

It's time for a career change I think.

Thankfully, Yahoo is always there to guide me through the veritable quagmire that is the modern work environment. I've sat spellbound while reading their many "dos & don'ts at an interview" columns. I have also found their long exposes on the downside of "corporate interview sharts" & "between question nose picking" to be particularly helpful.

Therefore, it's probably no surprise that Yahoo is there for me again.

CHARLESTON, South Carolina (Reuters) – In a small laboratory on an upper floor of the basic science building at the Medical University of South Carolina, Vladimir Mironov, M.D., Ph.D., has been working for a decade to grow meat.

A developmental biologist and tissue engineer, Dr. Mironov, 56, is one of only a few scientists worldwide involved in bioengineering "cultured" meat.

It's a product he believes could help solve future global food crises resulting from shrinking amounts of land available for growing meat the old-fashioned way ... on the hoof.

Growth of "in-vitro" or cultured meat is also under way in the Netherlands, Mironov told Reuters in an interview, but in the United States, it is science in search of funding and demand.

The new National Institute of Food and Agriculture, part of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration, won't fund it, the National Institutes of Health won't fund it, and the National Aeronautics and Space Administration funded it only briefly, Mironov said.

"It's classic disruptive technology," Mironov said. "Bringing any new technology on the market, average, costs $1 billion. We don't even have $1 million."

Director of the Advanced Tissue Biofabrication Center in the Department of Regenerative Medicine and Cell Biology at the medical university, Mironov now primarily conducts research on tissue engineering, or growing, of human organs.

"There's a yuck factor when people find out meat is grown in a lab. They don't like to associate technology with food," said Nicholas Genovese, 32, a visiting scholar in cancer cell biology working under a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals three-year grant to run Dr. Mironov's meat-growing lab.

"But there are a lot of products that we eat today that are considered natural that are produced in a similar manner," Genovese said.

"There's yogurt, which is cultured yeast. You have wine production and beer production. These were not produced in laboratories. Society has accepted these products."

If wine is produced in winery, beer in a brewery and bread in a bakery, where are you going to grow cultured meat?

In a "carnery," if Mironov has his way. That is the name he has given future production facilities.

He envisions football field-sized buildings filled with large bioreactors, or bioreactors the size of a coffee machine in grocery stores, to manufacture what he calls "charlem" -- "Charleston engineered meat."

"It will be functional, natural, designed food," Mironov said. "How do you want it to taste? You want a little bit of fat, you want pork, you want lamb? We design exactly what you want. We can design texture.

"I believe we can do it without genes. But there is no evidence that if you add genes the quality of food will somehow suffer. Genetically modified food is already normal practice and nobody dies."

Dr. Mironov has taken myoblasts -- embryonic cells that develop into muscle tissue -- from turkey and bathed them in a nutrient bath of bovine serum on a scaffold made of chitosan (a common polymer found in nature) to grow animal skeletal muscle tissue. But how do you get that juicy, meaty quality?

Genovese said scientists want to add fat. And adding a vascular system so that interior cells can receive oxygen will enable the growth of steak, say, instead of just thin strips of muscle tissue.

Cultured meat could eventually become cheaper than what Genovese called the heavily subsidized production of farm meat, he said, and if the public accepts cultured meat, the future holds benefits.

"Thirty percent of the earth's land surface area is associated with producing animal protein on farms," Genovese said.

"Animals require between 3 and 8 pounds of nutrient to make 1 pound of meat. It's fairly inefficient. Animals consume food and produce waste. Cultured meat doesn't have a digestive system.

"Further out, if we have interplanetary exploration, people will need to produce food in space and you can't take a cow with you.

"We have to look to these ideas in order to progress. Otherwise, we stay static. I mean, 15 years ago who could have imagined the iPhone?"

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Okay, you're probably thinking: EEEEEAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

Right?

I understand. But, over & above that, you're probably wondering how huge vats of artificial meat ties in with a career change for ol' Dick.

Well, let me tell you...

Now, I know the idea of vats of meat probably sound just a little too Soylent Green for most folks. But, given the nature of those puck shaped turds McDonalds sells by the truckload, would this really be all that bad? As Americans we accept a fairly large amount of plasticity in our food. In fact, we demand it. Why else would such an affluent country like ours continually chow down on fast food that has less nutritional value & visual appeal than a bowl of gruel?

Is it really all that important that our meat comes from an actual breathing animal? It's not like the average American meat eater actually slaughters his/her dinner. The majority of American carnivores toddle down to their local grocery store and buy a shrink wrapped hunk of something that bears absolutely no resemblance to an animal. Would it really make that much of a difference if their hunk of flesh is squirted out of a "meat dispenser?"

After all, what really matters is the taste. Since artificial flavoring is a quite exact science where anything can be made to taste like anything else, even to the point where "feces can be given the consistency & flavor of apple sauce," ensuring that bioreactor meat tastes at least as good as your average Big Mac shouldn't be a very large hurdle to overcome.

Which brings me to the career change part. I am envisioning a whole line of "flavored meats" to appeal to that "edgy" demographic that loves to be shocking even as it's co-opted by corporate America.
I want to be the fucking Ben & Jerry's of flavored meats.

I chose Ben & Jerry's as my business model primarily for their association with odd flavors, but I'm also attracted to their all inclusive hippy style ethos.
This hippy love thing will, I think, aid me in opening up what has been a traditionally shunned & imprisoned demographic group; namely cannibals. Imagine how easily we could reel those misunderstood guys & gals back into the human family & give them a great big warm hug of all-inclusive acceptance to go with their over-sized & steaming slab of freshly squirted long pig.
I'm quite proud to say that I think the days of the canniphobe are numbered.

The whole problem is funding. If I were your average run of the mill blogger, over obsessed with my own self importance & completely enamored of my own typed tweedlings, I would install a PayPal link & make a running attempt at wheedling "donations" from all of you.

As it stands, I have a better idea. As you know, I work at a facility that makes sure nature's little accidents get to live a nice long life in a creepy & dysfunctional adult daycare environment. While they may not learn the theory of relativity or, for that matter, how to remember to swallow their own spittle, they do learn, through the application of many different laxatives & enemas, how to shit in quantity.

Which brings me to this article & my envisioned funding source.

One day in 2008, Ruth, a Long Island teacher, walked into her doctor's office with a container of a relative's feces, lay down, and had her doctor pump the stool inside her. Ruth had been suffering for nearly two years with an intestinal infection called Clostridium difficile, which caused her to suffer from excruciating diarrhea. She had lost 20 pounds. Her hair was falling out. Friends asked if she had cancer.

Then she met Lawrence Brandt, a gastroenterologist at the Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx who believed he had developed a procedure to cure people of recurrent c. diff infections: fecal transplant. Brandt has been inserting feces into his patients for a decade now and claims to be solving their problems nearly 100 percent of the time. If his method really works—and he's not the only doctor who believes that it does—then we may have found a viable, if weird, solution to a serious problem. C. diff infects 250,000 Americans each year and killed more than 20,000 from 1999 to 2004. (Researchers estimate that 13 out of every 1,000 patients admitted to a hospital will pick up the bug.) Antibiotics will always be the first response to such infections, but when those fail, a fecal transplant could be the next step. For Ruth, at least, the procedure was a godsend. "I'm cured," she said. "Period. End of story. Cured."

My God, is medical science great or what. Just imagine the number of c. diff sufferers I could help, at a nominally steep fee of course, gain their freedom from bondage while allowing a large group of amateur pants shitters to gain a modicum of professionalism, self respect & self sufficiency.

There is one small drawback though.

Doctors recommend that the fecal donor be someone close to the patient—a family member, perhaps, or a spouse. Scientists reason that when people live in close quarters, they are exposed to similar bacteria—good and bad—and are likely to have had a similar set of bacteria living in their guts before anyone got sick.

Luckily, there is a good old fashioned DIY ethos involved with some sufferers who may not want anyone's hands on their buttocks other than their own.

And then there's the do-it-yourself crowd. All you need is a bottle of saline, a 2-quart enema bag, and one standard kitchen blender. Mike Silverman, a University of Toronto physician who wrote up a guide to homespun fecal transplants for the journal Clinical Gastroenterology and Hepatology, says it's entirely safe to do the procedure this way, provided that a doctor gets involved at some point to screen the donor sample.

I'm hoping that the DIY-ers & their whole "fuck the experts" attitude will be an aid in convincing them that any poo will do.

I would really like some feedback on this. In the meantime, I'm going to start harvesting feces. I sure hope my wife doesn't mind shit filled jars cluttering up our refrigerator. Luckily, she's the understanding type.

Happy Deathday Sid

2011-02-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

Since Sid was such an avid junkie, I'm sure he'd appreciate this :

Space so full of junk that a satellite collision could destroy communications on Earth

The volume of abandoned rockets, shattered satellites and missile shrapnel in the Earth’s orbit is reaching a “tipping point” and is now threatening the $250 billion (£174bn) space services industry, scientists said.

A single collision between two satellites or large pieces of “space junk” could send thousands of pieces of debris spinning into orbit, each capable of destroying further satellites.

Global positioning systems, international phone connections, television signals and weather forecasts are among the services which are at risk of crashing to a halt.

This “chain reaction” could leave some orbits so cluttered with debris that they become unusable for commercial or military satellites, the US Defense Department's interim Space Posture Review warned last year.

There are also fears that large pieces of debris could threaten the lives of astronauts in space shuttles or at the International Space Station.

The report, which was sent to Congress in March and not publicly released, said space is "increasingly congested and contested" and warned the situation is set to worsen.

Bharath Gopalaswamy, an Indian rocket scientist researching space debris at the Stockholm International Peace Research Institute, estimates that there are now more than 370,000 pieces of junk compared with 1,100 satellites in low-Earth orbit (LEO), between 490 and 620 miles above the planet.

The February 2009 crash between a defunct Russian Cosmos satellite and an Iridium Communications Inc. satellite left around 1,500 pieces of junk whizzing around the earth at 4.8 miles a second.

A Chinese missile test destroyed a satellite in January 2007, leaving 150,000 pieces of debris in the atmosphere, according to Dr Gopalaswamy.

The space junk, dubbed “an orbiting rubbish dump”, also comprises nuts, bolts, gloves and other debris from space missions.

"This is almost the tipping point," Dr Gopalaswamy said. "No satellite can be reliably shielded against this kind of destructive force."

It's Official - Joe Biden Is An Idiot

2011-01-28T08:19:00.000-08:00

Normally I take the typing & typos that Yahoo passes off as journalism with a few thousand grains of salt, but this one has video.

Yahoo! asked Vice President Joe Biden Thursday to give some good advice for the unemployed. He provided a list of recent improvements to the economy, while expressing sympathy for those struggling to get by without a regular income.

"So the message is 'hang in there?'" Yahoo!'s Anna Robertson asked.

"The message is hang in there," he repeated.

Ya hear that ya whiny, hungry, can't pay the rent, can't clothe the kids American slacker bitches?
Just hang in there.
If you're having problems putting that nugget of wisdom into practice, just imagine you're a "chad" on a Florida ballot. While you're at it, think positive. That always does wonders for my bank account.

"Things are coming back," Biden said, after noting that the unemployment rate is now dropping "minimally," businesses are investing, banks are lending, and companies are gaining confidence.

"But, again, it's not sufficient that the economy gets back to where it was before. The jobs in the 21st century--the good-paying jobs in the 21st century --are also going to lie in entire new industries, which we have to innovate our way into creating."

Hmmmm...Joe tells folk to "hang in there," then he tells them they'll be
"hanging" around until we "innovate our way into creating...entire new industries."

Gee, if I'm not mistaken, that kind of "hanging" might not end up the way ol' Joe is envisioning it.

Then again, maybe Joe has some insights into captured alien technology that allows one to grow entire industries by just adding water. I know, I'm being "negative." After all, that strategy seemed to work for these guys:

Yahoo! also asked the Vice President how we, as Americans, can turn around the economy and he responded with something even conceded might sound a little "silly."

"One of the ways to impact, as strange as it sounds, on the federal debt, on economic growth, on the cost of maintaining health care in America is: Don't smoke, eat healthy, do not consume junk foods," he said.

"I know that sounds silly, but it's very practical in terms of your own health and well-being, but also on the impact, on the cost of maintaining the health care system in the United States."

In other words, no dollar burgers for you, ya hungry slackers. Off to Whole Foods with your soon to be revoked credit cards ya shiftless lay-abouts. Hell, maybe you can trade one of the kids for a little brie & some organic tofu.

I don't know about you but I'm always enervated & positron-ed whenever I realize that the man who is a heartbeat away from the nukes is a complete fucking idiot.

For some odd reason Yahoo didn't transcribe the bit where "a Yahoo reader," who has never been able to make more than $10 even with a college degree, asks Joe if it's really wise to continue to point kids towards college even though the rewards are so meager.
Joe's response is "priceless."

"The answer is absolutely yes. If she thinks she has trouble finding a job with a college education, try it as we move on with a just a high school education or less."

There you have it folks, the new America will be a place where even the shit jobs will require a college degree.

It's really worth watching the video for this exchange alone. I particularly enjoyed how Joe's puppeteer gave Joe a little goose in his hindquarters as he was read the question.

Personally I think Joe is over emphasizing that education shit. Look at him, he made it to VP without the benefit of a cerebral cortex.

Here, Vice President Biden gives his best estimate as to how far up his own ass

he's been able to shove his head. With a hearty "I'll never surrender, I'll never give up,"
Mr. Biden vows to fulfill his lifelong dream of being able to kiss his own uvula from the rear.

Flotsam & Jetsons

2011-01-25T10:15:00.001-08:00

I'm entering new areas of pretentious bloggy twaddledom tonight.
But it's as cold as Pat Robertson's heart & I'm bored & completely unable to sleep even after 2 shifts on 3 hours sleep...

On Saturday night this newbie kid, all of 19, spent an hour detailing his extensive gaming experiences with Halo & such. After about 10 minutes I really wanted to hit him with something hard, like a chair leg or an ax handle...but I'm polite & civilized & too old for jail. Then I found myself further entrapped as he followed this exercise in Munch-ian Scream inducing horror with a detailed explanation about why he's perfectly suited to fire some god awful hunk of body shredding military hardware because of his "extensive joy stick experience" as a gamer.

His two phrases of exuberant joy were "perfectly righteous" & "priceless." From this, I've gathered that he's a surfer with a Mastercard. But I could be wrong.

I couldn't help thinking that the NYT pundit was right. Media & language don't "program" thought.

Nope.

Not at all.

It's crazy to even think it.

Sunday was my "get paid to watch TV day," which pretty much sums up my attitude to TV viewing;namely, you'd have to pay me to watch this shit.

Oodles of football interspersed with an endless parade of car ads & phone ads & beer ads. I learned that the right car + the right phone + the right beer = one frabjous day.

Right in the middle of all this happy consumerism sat this hunk of video gold;

My Marriage Matters V.2 from Ryan Hill on Vimeo.

The man pictured in the video is Ryan Hill, an attorney for Can-Am Legal Services. I highly recommend a journey to their website. As you look at it, try to picture yourselves hiring the 3 amigos of law based on that home page.

As you can see, Mr. Hill is seething with outrage. Or he's constipated. I can never tell the difference.

As you can also see, Mr. Hill's outrage started seething when ashleymadison.com started marketing extra-marital affairs like Cheerios.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for outrage when it's genuine, but my sphincter tends to pucker when I see manufactured outrage dressed up in grass root skirts. After making a mental note to visit Mr. Hill's pro-marriage website, I drifted back into my normal workday coma.

Tonight, I played Google roulette and found a site called Above The Law, which had some interesting things to say about pro-marriage Ryan & his moral outrage.

So what kind of attorney is Ryan Hill? A divorce attorney.

Mr. Hill is not only a divorce attorney, he's a divorce attorney who happens to share an email address with Ashley Madison.

In other words, Mr. Hill's anti-Ashley site is, in reality, a web portal leading directly to Ashley Madison's website. And his grassroots ad is nothing more than an underhanded attempt to get Ashley Madison's website onto TV stations that refused to carry her ad.

I know, I know, an utterly pointless con floated by inept con men.

But their ineptness is the only reason they were exposed. I doubt real propagandists are as ham handed about their manipulations. I'm sure there are scads of manipulating fingers all over every bit of media we ingest, sculpting our opinions to suit them.

In fact, that NYT article I quoted previously can be debunked so easily, one wonders why it was published at all.

Well, unless they were attempting to use language to control thought.

But we all know that can't be true, right?

You Can Never Start Christmas Shopping Too Early

2011-01-16T22:22:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay, I'm not much of a blogger. I admit, it was fun for a while, but the idea that every one of my mental farts has to be recorded for all eternity has gotten very fucking old.

Here's the actual truth.

I don't have a fucking clue.

Keep that in mind as we progress because I'll prove it.

Having said that, I must also say that I'm not very timely. For example, we're now in the middle of January and I'm just getting around to posting a few suggestions for your Christmas gift giving obligations.

Sorry.

Maybe you can keep these in mind for next year. I think they would be ideal for any child.

First up, we have a board game called "Missionary Conquest.

Conquer the world---for Christ! This challenging board game tests not only your navigational skills as you travel around the world on mission trips, but also your ability to finance these expeditions by making wise investments. ''Temptation'' and ''Blessing'' squares add to the fun and keep the action going. Everyone can play because no Bible knowledge is required!

Gosh, doesn't that sound like the bees knees? Conquest, Christ, and Capitalism all wrapped in one neat little board game. Of course, once you dip in these waters, you'll feel compelled to purchase the soon-to-be-released second offering in their "Missionary" series, "The Missionary Position."

Conquer the Demon of Lust---for Christ! This challenging board game tests not only your ability to swallow bullshit, but also your ability convince the woman in your life to swallow bullshit at the expense of her own orgasm. Everyone can play because all you need is genitalia.

Next up, I give you, what I think is, the ideal aid in keeping your kid on the path of righteousness and out of Safeway parking lots. Its the perfect answer to any kid who thinks that Jesus was just a pussy with all that pantywaist "turn the other cheek" and "love your enemy" twaddle.

Join Michael and the Guardian Force as they engage Morg and his minions in an epic celestial battle between good and evil! Awesome adventure awaits your young spiritual warriors in this game of strategy as they race across the board and block their opponent's attempts to unleash devastating destruction on humankind. Fast-paced fun for two players, ages 7 and up.

Nothing banishes those "Jesus was a lefty flamer" blues quite like a few hours spent portraying a buff comic book angel.

Really.

My next offering allows you to reinsert your child into the everyday world while still maintaining the proper levels of blood lust necessary for a true disciple of "The Prince of Peace."

The action-packed contest between good and evil continues in this exciting family board game inspired by the hit movie! Correct answers during the pre-rapture section earn redemption tokens, which are of great value once post-rapture play begins. Players then band together in the Tribulation Force to defeat Carpathia---or face elimination. For two to six players, ages 10 and up.

Wow! Pre-Rapture quizzes & post-Rapture play...what more could a kid possibly need?

Finally, we have "America:The Game."

Celebrate the American experience and your spiritual heritage with this action quiz game! Be the first to advance your three pioneers from the eastern seaboard to the west coast---but you must strategically plan your route as you answer questions about the history of America from 1492 to the 1950s. Includes game board, 512 question cards, 64 hazard/blessing cards, 18 pawns, a die, and instructions. Two to six players.

Now how cool is that? Your child will get to experience the construction of America without all the messy slaughter & slavery & greed & psychosis that went into building the real deal.

Now that I've gotten Xmas out of the way, it's time to prove, beyond a shadow of doubt, that I haven't got a fucking clue.

Originally, I was going to play with one of the Tuscon shooter's claims about language & how it can be used to alter & create reality. Although, Loughner's Internet mentor, David Wynn Miller, and his gibberish & jargon laden arguments seem designed to debunk such ideas by associating them with the credulous & gullible.

While I'm completely unclear about how the addition of a semi-colon will remove one from taxation, those board games above demonstrate, quite succinctly, how easy it is turn a phrase like "love your enemy" into its complete opposite.

This bit of verbal magick is done so often on television that it has become ubiquitous to the medium. Viewers are constantly bombarded with imagery equating spiritual & emotional fulfillment with material acquisition. Materials worth acquiring at any price.

These tactics have been so successful, Americans didn't, for a moment, question why "a lifestyle," a nice Madison Avenue illusion, was worth going to war over.
In fact, Madison Avenue owes its entire existence to its adeptness at controlling thought by manipulating language, symbol & image.

But then I read The New York Times & saw my error.

Even before the Jared L. Loughner acted weirdly and darkly in so many ways that singling out any one aspect may defy sense. Nonetheless, for bizarreness, his rants about grammar stand out.
As Mr. Loughner has tried to explain it in Web postings, English grammar is not merely usage that enjoys common acceptance. Rather, it is nothing less than a government conspiracy to control people’s minds. Perhaps more bizarre, even potentially troubling, is that he is not the only one out there clinging to this belief. Some grammarians say they hear it more often than you may think.
“It is completely off the wall,” said Patricia T. O’Conner, the author of several books on grammar, including “Woe Is I.”
“But I’m not actually that surprised,” said Ms. O’Conner, who also writes a blog, grammarphobia.com, with her husband, Stewart Kellerman. “I get mail once in a while from people who believe that it’s wrong to try to reinforce good English because it’s some kind of mind-control plot, and English teachers are at the bottom of this. For anyone to say that subject and verb should agree, for example, is an infringement of your freedoms, and you have a God-given right to speak and use whichever words you want, which of course you do.
“But they see it as some sort of plot to standardize people’s minds and make everyone robotically the same.”
One person identified with this notion is a Milwaukee man named David Wynn Miller, who prefers to render his name as :David-Wynn: Miller and who says that people must free themselves of a government he deems tyrannical. But Mr. Miller has distanced himself from Mr. Loughner and rejected suggestions that his own online writings over the years may have inspired the rampage in Tucson.

Y'see, any idea that language can manipulate & enslave is just a "bizarre rant" that would be "completely off the wall."

Gee, I'm glad the NYT cleared that up for me. Now I can save myself the inevitable embarrassment that goes hand in hand with all delusions that allude to government plots to manipulate perception by manipulating language & symbols & imagery.

Tis The Season Of Cognitive Dissonance

2010-12-31T09:34:00.000-08:00

A Belgian Catholic priest and would-be Nobel Peace Prize holder has admitted that he sexually abused an eight-year-old boy 40 years ago.

The case only came forward when his cousin, the sister of his victim, came forward in reaction to a campaign to nominate Francois Houtart for the accolade.

She told the Belgian church authority that looks into child abuse, the Adriaenssens commission, that the abuse on her brother happened in 1970 while he stayed at their house.

Houtart, 85, was a prominent third world activist and chairman of a development agency that he founded in 1976, Center Tricontinental, until he resigned from the board in November in light of the allegations.

He is currently in Ecuador and was not responding to phone calls or emails.

Houtart told the Belgian newspaper Le Soir that he twice touched 'the intimate parts' of his cousin, an incident he called 'inconsiderate and irresponsible.'

She details the abuse of her brother, which she describes as 'rape,' by an unnamed priest.

But the victim's sister says the priest, who was a friend of her father, entered her brother's room twice 'to rape him.'

'Before the third time, my brother went to tell his parents, who kept him in their room,' she is quoted as saying in the report.

The priest said he spoke to the victim’s parents to see if they wanted him to quit as a priest but they told him to speak to a professor in Brussels.

They advised him to stay in the priesthood and concentrate on his academic work in religious sociology.

I know, I know, posting a story about a Catholic priest who fondles children is about as shocking as saying "the sun rose this morning."

What I find interesting is that this little chunk of Cat'lic indiscretion has been completely ignored by the anti-pedophile folk over at Rigorous Intuition.

Hmmmmm....that's so odd isn't it?
The RI crew seem to spend 90% of their lives in front of computer screens, eagerly searching for the tiniest whiff of exposed toddler genitals.
Catholic priests with roving hands & priapic peckers seem to be a special favorite for faux moralizing and outraged finger pointing.

Yet Father Houtart seems to have slipped through the RI compound floorboards.

Oh, I found a few old threads mentioning Father Houtart that can be encapsulated in this quote:

The last sitting took place before a 'jury of conscience' that included author Arundhati Roy and Francois Houtart who participated in the Bertrand Russell War Crimes Tribunal on U.S. Crimes in Vietnam.

But that's all.

It's a mystery, isn't it?

Well, not really. Not when you take the RI forum ambiance into consideration.

For example, these bits of Houtart wisdom would be wonderfully at home on the RI forum. In fact, I've read variations of them dozens of times.

Q: What about your Utopology?

A: The struggle for Utopia is a struggle for hope, and that means that it is not a struggle for something impossible to attain. (Unlike unrestrained toddler genital fondling which is inexplicably frowned on) Capitalist logic is killing all Utopias. That is why Mrs. Thatcher said –"There is no alternative," and Francis Fukuyama speaks about the end of history. That means that any utopia is impossible! What can you hope for in a world of inequalities and oppression?

Struggle against the type of globalisation that we have today is fundamental for the definition of Utopia and the struggle for Utopia is also fundamental for the opposition to the present day globalisation. It is the search for another type of globalisation. (The one where fondling toddler's genitals is not frowned upon.)

Q: What sources inspire you most in this Utopian thinking?

A: The struggle for Utopia is a struggle for hope, and that means it is not a struggle for something impossible to get, but with the idea that “something which does not exist today could exist tomorrow”. (Like see-thru Huggies) So that is the way that I define Utopia. A French Protestant Philosopher Paul Ricoeur, talks about necessary Utopia because of the fact that globalisation of capitalist logic is killing all Utopias. There are alternatives possible. (Like toddler genital fondling. I've never been happier or more fulfilled doing anything else) Otherwise it is pointless to talk about Utopias .In the World Social Forum we have discovered that alternatives exist in all sectors of the collective human life. That is extremely important. We can talk about three levels of alternatives, the long-range (this would involve repeated bouts of genital fondling followed by oral pleasures), middle-range (this involves the occasional bout of genital fondling in the Sacristy) and short-range (this is a drive by fondle done in the dead of night while the toddler slumbers blissfully unaware). There are alternatives and there are people working for alternatives. That means that the Utopia is possible and it is not just a dream.

We must also find enough motivating force to struggle in order to realise Utopia (For me, photos of children's genitals have never had the OOMPH of a real live genital fondle). There may be various types of sources of such force. One would be the humanist perspective that we find in many people committed to struggling for justice. This is a very fundamental basis for Utopia. Marxist militants, people who believe that it is possible to transform society, find motivation for commitment from this humanist conviction. (This is especially powerful humanism dovetails with human children's genitals) If we take the believing community, for example, in Christianity, it is clear that the Bible reflects a process of liberation, and that the prophets speak about a possible future. In the Gospel we see the struggle against injustice and the hope in the Kingdom of God. (Of course, there's all manner of outre sexuality on display. Which is a good for a genital fondler such as myself) All of this is very coherent. It means that we have to believe in Utopia. The next step is to be committed to the search and the struggles for such a Utopia.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What is the relationship between reconciliation and liberation from a socio-political and a theological point of view?

A: From a political point of view, in order to have real reconciliation and reconstruction, which is a social process, there have to be conditions. Otherwise it does not work. One of the main conditions is the recognition of the wrong done, as I have said. (As long as the recognition doesn't lead to any real consequences. Otherwise I'd be in jail fondling my smelly cell-mate's genitals, which, I must say, would be no fucking fun at all.) If this does not happen, after one or two generations the matter will come up again. (Or 40 years. Whichever comes first) We see this, for example, in Turkey with the genocide of the Armenians at the beginning of the 20th century, more than one hundred years ago. Turks always refused to admit that there was genocide and now with the third or the fourth generation the matter is coming back again. We see this also in Latin America. After the military dictatorships came the laws of amnesty. Well, this did not solve anything because it was like saying that nothing had happened. In fact, things have happened and as long as this is not recognised and condemned, the matter will never die but will remain in the memory of the people. (We also saw this in my little cousin's bedroom but I won't go into that.) So, from the purely political point of view, in order to solve such situations, it is necessary to go through a social process of recognition of the wrongdoing and legal condemnation. After that, reconciliation can take place. But you cannot pardon something, which has not been recognised. You can pardon it if it has been recognised as a wrongdoing by the people who are responsible. Then you can say okay, in order to build society we have to bring about a process of reconciliation. That means the possibility of living together again. (I would really like to live together with a few toddlers) Let us consider the example of co-operation between the Germans, the French and the Belgians after the Second World War. New Germany recognised the wrongdoing and paid for it. Now the relationship between Germany , France and Belgium in spite of all that has had happened is excellent, and it has been possible to build on a reconciliation process. That is from a political point of view.

From the ethical point of view and even the theological point of view, this is all the more true. Because there is also, you see, an ethical aspect; reconciliation is a value recognised in the Gospel and is found in other religions as well. Such an ethical value has a special meaning for Christians in the work of constructing the reign of God. So it has a very fundamental dimension. But, again, this dimension is possible on the condition that the party who has been guilty has an ethical attitude. (It also helps if the offended party is a family member who will willingly sweep the offence under the rug) For example, the military in Argentina , South Korea , the Philippines and Haiti all refused to recognise any wrongdoing. How can you reconcile? In this sense reconciliation from an ethical point of view is meeting the same goal as from the political perspective. Finally, reconciliation means also a certain type of compensation; it may be material or it may be moral, but compensation is also necessary.

The victims can eventually renounce material compensation if they want to, but they have to decide, not the ones who were responsible in the past or the state. Of course, from the Christian perspective, pardon is very fundamental and very important and it is only possible when the wrongdoing has been recognised.

So it would appear that the RI folk have a blind spot when the priestly pedophile is an avowed anti-corporate, anti-globalist Marxist who spouts the same rhetoric as a typical RI forum sycophant.

I guess that the "truth-seekers" at the RI forum aren't all that interested in airing dirty laundry when the laundry was soiled by one of their own.

It all makes me wonder if, over the years, they've conveniently excised other uncomfortable facts from their rigorous inquiry into truth.

(GASP) Is...is that possible? Please, oh please, say it isn't so Joe.

Actually, this is not without precedent. The RI bloggers seem to have a soft spot for The Secret Sun blog. Christopher Knowles, the blog's creator, has a soft spot for Jeffrey Kripal, who is a Professor of Religious Studies and Chair of the Department of Religious Studies at Rice University.

Mr. Kripal, in his book The Serpent's Gift, shares this bit of decidedly odd spirituality in his effort to explain why the dissociation brought on by sexual trauma can be a good thing.

Consider, for example, the one class of readers who have most deeply understood and appreciated my work on sexual trauma and mystical states: women and men who have themselves been sexually abused as children or young adults and later found themselves entering, often spontaneously, into extremely positive and healing altered states of consciousness. Such readers do not "accept" or "understand" what I am trying to communicate. They know. Their readings are based on excessive life events, on the most troublingly delightful movements of their own minds and bodies. And they are perfectly aware that very few people will ever understand them, that others cannot possibly "get it."
How could they? They have not been through the same life-altering experiences and had their consciousness and energies permanently shifted into other dimensions of knowing and being. One might as well try to explain an orgasm to a 5 year old.

"Troublingly delightful" indeed. If I would have only known, decades ago, that sexual trauma is a quick ticket to esoteric shamanism, I might have dressed a bit more saucily when I was a tot. Oh well, another missed opportunity.

In conclusion, I leave you with a bit of Houtart pontification that never once mentions toddler's genitals.

Teaser alert: With my next post I plan on giving y'all a well thought out and heartfelt expose on the reasons why Utopia would be incomplete without the occasional bout of toddler genital fondling.

Stay tuned or be ruined.

He's intently watching your kid's genitals.

More Christmas Cheer

2010-12-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

On December 22 both houses of the U.S. Congress unanimously passed a bill authorizing $725 billion for next year’s Defense Department budget.

The bill, the National Defense Authorization Act for Fiscal Year 2011, was approved by all 100 senators as required and by a voice vote in the House.

The House had approved the bill, now sent to President Barack Obama to sign into law, five days earlier in a 341-48 roll call, but needed to vote on it again after the Senate altered it in the interim.

The proposed figure for the Pentagon’s 2011 war chest includes, in addition to the base budget, $158.7 billion for what are now euphemistically referred to as overseas contingency operations: The military occupation of Iraq and the war in Afghanistan.

The $725 billion figure, although $17 billion more than the White House had requested, is not the final word on the subject, however, as supplements could be demanded as early as the beginning of next year, especially in regard to the Afghan war that will then be in its eleventh calendar year.

Even as it currently is, the amount is the highest in constant dollars (pegged at any given year’s dollar and adjusted for inflation) since 1945, the final year of the Second World War. With recent U.S. census figures at 308 million, next year the Pentagon will spend $2,354 for every citizen of the country at the $725 billion price tag alone.

Last year’s Pentagon budget, by way of comparison, was $680 billion, a base budget of $533.8 billion and the remainder for operations in Afghanistan and Iraq. In July of this year Congress approved the 2010 Supplemental Appropriations Act which contained an additional $37 billion for the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Next year’s defense authorization of $725 billion compares to, according to the Center for Defense Information, a Pentagon budget of $444.6 billion in 1946; $460.4 billion in 1968, the highest yearly amount during the Vietnam War; and $443.4 billion in 1988, the highest during the eight years of the Ronald Reagan administration’s massive military buildup. (Numbers in 2004 constant dollars.)

The Stockholm International Peace Research Institute estimates American military spending for 2009 to have accounted for 43 percent of the world total. Carl Conetta, co-director of the Project on Defense Alternatives, earlier this year estimated the 2010 U.S. defense budget to constitute 47 percent of total worldwide military expenditures and to amount to 19 percent of all American federal spending.

In addition, Pentagon spending has increased by 100 percent since 1998 and “the Obama budget plans to spend more on the Pentagon over eight years than any administration has since World War II.”

With 2.25 million full-time civilian and military personnel, excluding part-time National Guard and Reserve members, the Defense Department is the U.S.’s largest employer, outstripping Walmart with 1.4 million employees and the U.S Post Office with 599,000.

“Add in what Homeland Security, Veterans Affairs, and the Energy departments spend on defense and total US military spending will reach $861 billion in fiscal 2011, exceeding that of all other nations combined,” according to Todd Harrison, senior fellow for Defense Budget Studies at the Center for Strategic and Budgetary Assessments.

In April Robert Higgs of The Independent Institute advocated that the budgets – in part or in whole – of the departments of Veterans Affairs, Homeland Security, Energy, State and Treasury and the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) should be calculated in the real military budget, which would in 2009 would have increased it to $901.5 billion.

“Adding [the] interest component to the previous all-agency total, the grand total comes to $1,027.8 billion, which is 61.5 percent greater than the Pentagon’s outlays alone.”

It's nice to know that, even in tough times when kids are asking Santa for winter coats instead of Barbie dolls, old Saint Nick still finds the time to be generous to our bloodthirsty hired kill...oops...I mean our saintly freedom defending boys in uniform.
Thankfully this bit of HOLIDAY CHEER came to my attention just as the last microscopic shred of Christmas spirit in my possession threatened to die an ignominious & solitary death.
Not anymore.
Now I feel that I can HO HO HO with the rest of the Christams whores, and I can do it with enthusiasm & heartfelt gusto.

So here's a big holiday cheer for the Pentagon.

HIP HIP HOORAY!

But, most importantly of all, an ear drum shattering YOWZA for the biggest ho of them all:

YOWZA SIR CLAUS, YOWZA INDEED!

Afghani insurgents roasting on an open fire,
Depleted Uranium nipping on your nose,
Funerealtide wailings being sung by the bereaved,
And teenagers dressed up like Rambos.

Everybody knows a drone and a missile too,
Help to keep the population slight.
Tiny tots with their dads freshly slaughtered,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Santa's on his way;
He's loaded lots of weapons & black ops on his sleigh.
And every mother's child is going to spy,
To see if their neighbors wave their Stars & Stripes on high.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase,
To kids from one to ninety-two,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
A very Merry Christmas to you