2012 Dick Of The Week

I give you the man, the legend, the biggest living cheerleader for the non-existent Cydonia pyramid, Richard C. Hoagland.

Dick has a new schtick these days.

Some know it as APOCALYPSE, others call it the END TIMES, while others refer to it as THE SINGULARITY.

I'm guessing that Mr. Hoagland hitched his horse to the 2012 wagon because the Cydonia pyramid evaporated. I'm assuming that it's much better traveling around speaking to credulous New Agers than it is muttering "Do you want fries with that?" 300 times a day.

According to Dick, he also predicted the election of Barack Obama. He sees Mr. Obama as the promise of JFK reborn. Well, he did when Obama was elected. Now that Obama looks like every other president, as did JFK, his tune might have changed.

 I don't really know. Dick is canny enough to hide most of his secret teachings behind a door that can only be accessed with a credit card decoder key.

But you can see Dick's 4 year old schtick below.



More recently, Dick did another turgid go around on CRACKPOT CENTRAL, or as it is better known, Coast To Coast A.M.

Dick contends, amongst other bits of esoteric woo bait, that the "success of the new movie John Carter [of Mars] is being deliberately sabotaged by a "cabal" that is against the public learning the truth about Mars' ancient civilization and technology."

Alrighty then.

I bet this would all be news to Edgar Rice Burroughs whose impetus for penning the first John Carter story was this:

...if people were paid for writing rot such as I read in some of those magazines, that I could write stories just as rotten. As a matter of fact, although I had never written a story, I knew absolutely that I could write stories just as entertaining and probably a whole lot more so than any I chanced to read in those magazines.

But hey, why should we let facts get in the way of anything. We live in a brave new world where fact & fiction have blended seamlessly into a goulash of tasty wonders. Or, as a psychologist I read years ago and whose name escapes me said,

"Sometimes reality just isn't enough for some people."

 You can listen to Dick freely invent crapola here:


 

Dick has also invented a 2012 theory that is as unwieldy as it is invented. Dick seems to feel that the Sun is going to align with the Earth and the "galactic equator" on 2012. This may cause huge solar flares, or it may cause the Earth's core to shift out of balance causing the world to flip upside down or a "hyper-dimensional gateway" will open and hordes of our galactic space brothers will stream out & make that morning cup of coffee a distant memory.

Then again, an associate of Dicks, David Willcocks thinks there may be a "hyper-dimensional jump out of our 3-D space-time into a higher aetheric density."

What that mouthful of goop means is utterly beyond my little Dick brain.

Luckily for Big Dick, his audience's grasp of science is even shakier than mine or he wouldn't be able to make a living.

I suppose that, in the end, vagueness will be the wisest course for Dick to follow since he'll still have to bamboozle the same crowd of credulous wankers when the 2012 morning after arrives & they find they still have to go to work.

My favorite bit of Dickian woo science involves something he calls "torsion fields."

"Torsion fields" originally reared their pseudo-scientific heads in the Soviet Union back in the 1980s. They were the invention of a group of Russian scientists led by Anatoly Akimov & Gennady Shipov. They convinced the Russian government that these "torsion fields" could cause "the long range destruction of enemy strategic weapons without contact," along with "psychosocial and biomedical influence on troops & population."

Of course, this was about as true as Dick's moon civilization claims, but they managed to bilk the Soviet government out of 500 million rubles before their theories evaporated like the Cydonia pyramid.

Thankfully for us, Dick has cracked the torsion code by developing a method to measure "torsion fields" by "attaching an old Accutron watch to a Microsoft watch timer and a computer, which generates graphs."

Hell, even I'm impressed that Dick manages to sell that steamy pile of codswallop.

Sadly, the Sun won't be able to cooperate with Dick. It has roughly been in the Galactic equator's neighborhood for about 30 years with its closest position being found in 1998.

But hey, don't lose hope. When the hyper-dimensional rift opens up I've no doubt that the Earth, the Sun & everything else will be sucked backwards in time.

Maybe we'll even overshoot and find ourselves meeting Edgar Rice Burroughs so we can find out, once & for all, how he knew about the secrets of Mar's decimated culture. If all of this has made you feel like a horny tomcat in a field of pussy willows, I suggest that you watch it all happen from the deck of the Mayan Galactic Cruise Ship.

Of course, that costs a lot of money too. But hey, I doubt that there will be collection agencies once we zoom out of 3-D space-time so feel free to max out your credit card.

Just In Case

“For several months our staffs have been discussing the possibility of prepositioning at the Classified Location a suitable script for general broadcast immediately in the event of an emergency. We have also inquired as to the feasibility of prepositioning a recorded message which could be broadcast under specific circumstances.” -- Excerpt from a government memorandum dated April 22, 1960

"The H-Bomb! The H-Bomb! The H-Bomb! Flash of brightness. A tremendous roar... And I, the complacent American, thinking that no one would ever dare attack an American city. And I told my friends that nuclear war would never happen... but it did. I always thought I was a good American - patriotic and civic minded. But I was wrong. I failed myself and my country."

End Of The World Blues

On Tuesday, for the first time, government scientists are saying recent extreme weather events are likely connected to man-made climate change. It's the conclusion of a report by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.


The report says last year's record drought in Texas was made "roughly 20 times more likely" because of man made climate change, specifically meaning warming that comes from greenhouse gasses like carbon dioxide. The study, requested by NOAA, looked at 50 years of weather data in Texas and concluded that man-made warming had to be a factor in the drought.

The head of NOAA's climate office, Tom Karl, said: "What we're seeing, not only in Texas but in other phenomena in other parts of the world, where we can't explain these events by natural variability alone. They're just too rare, too uncommon."

Aside from the Texas drought, NOAA called the entire year of 2011 the year of extreme weather events, starting in Joplin, Missouri.

All told, there were seven tornado outbreaks in America last year that caused a billion dollars or more in damages. There were increased hurricanes in the North Atlantic, unprecedented flooding in Australia but widespread drought in East Africa, and all of that was caused by La Nina. Typically La Nina is marked by a sharp cooling in the Pacific, but last year's La Nina was the warmest ever, and again the government concluded that global climate change played a role.

"What's happening is, these normal fluctuations between El Nino and La Nina events that lead to some of the extreme conditions, become more extreme, more intense than they otherwise might have been because we've got increased greenhouse gases in the atmosphere leading to a warmer planet," Karl said.

"Dr. Doom" Nouriel Roubini says the "perfect storm" scenario he forecast for the global economy earlier this year is unfolding right now as growth slows in the U.S., Europe as well as China.

In May, Roubini predicted four elements – stalling growth in the U.S., debt troubles in Europe, a slowdown in emerging markets, particularly China, and military conflict in Iran - would come together to create a storm for the global economy in 2013.

“(The) 2013 perfect storm scenario I wrote on months ago is unfolding,” Roubini said on Twitter on Monday.

Chinese inflation data released on Monday, suggested that the economy is cooling faster than expected, while employment data out of the U.S. on Friday indicated that jobs growth was tepid for a fourth straight month in June.

Roubini said that unlike in 2008 when central banks had “policy bullets” to stimulate the global economy, this time around policymakers are “running out of rabbits to pull out of the hat."

Policy easing moves by the European Central Bank, Bank of England and the People’s Bank of China last week did little to inspire confidence in global stock markets.

“Levitational force of policy easing can only temporarily lift asset prices as gravitational forces of weaker fundamentals dominate over time,” he said.

Bill Smead, CEO of Smead Capital Management, agrees that there is little central banks can do to arrest the global slowdown.

Last week, he told CNBC that there is “virtually zero chance” that pump-priming by central banks will succeed, suggesting that policymakers should instead let the economic bust work itself through the system.

After his eponymously-named lab discovered Flame, "the most sophisticated cyber weapon yet unleashed," Eugene Kaspersky believes that the evolving threat of “cyber terrorism” could spell the end of life on Earth as we know it.

­Doomsday scenarios are a common occurrence in 2012, but coming from a steely-eyed realist like Eugene Kaspersky, his calls for a global effort to halt emerging cyber threats should raise alarm bells.
A global Internet blackout and crippling attacks against key infrastructure are among two possible cyber-pandemics he outlined.

"It's not cyber war, it's cyber terrorism, and I'm afraid the game is just beginning. Very soon, many countries around the world will know it beyond a shadow of a doubt,” Kaspersky told reporters at a Tel Aviv University cyber security conference.

“I'm afraid it will be the end of the world as we know it," he warned. "I'm scared, believe me."
His stark warning came soon after researchers at Kaspersky Lab unearthed Flame, possibly the most complex cyber threat ever. While the espionage toolkit infected systems across the Middle East, Iran appears to have been its primary target.

Flame seems to be a continuation of Stuxnet, the revolutionary infrastructure-sabotaging computer worm that made mincemeat of Iran’s uranium enrichment facility at Natanz in 2009-2010.

As Flame is capable of recording audio via a microphone, taking screen shots, turning Bluetooth-enabled computers into beacons to download names and phone numbers from other Bluetooth enabled devices, Kaspersky is certain that a nation-station is behind the cyber espionage virus.

While Kaspersky says that the United States, Britain, India, Israel, China and Russia are among the countries capable of developing such software, which he estimates cost $100 million to develop, he did not limit the threat to these states.

"Even those countries that do not yet have the necessary expertise [to create a virus like Flame] can employ engineers or kidnap them, or turn to hackers for help.”

Like Stuxnet, Flame attacks Windows operating systems.  Considering this reality, Kaspersky was emphatic: "Software that manages industrial systems or transportation or power grids or air traffic must be based on secure operating systems. Forget about Microsoft, Linux or Unix."

Kaspersky believes the evolution from cyber war to cyber terrorism comes from the indiscriminate nature of cyber weapons. Very much like a modern-day Pandora’s Box, Flame and other forms of malware cannot be controlled upon release. Faced with a replicating threat that knows no national boundaries, cyber weapons can take down infrastructure around the world, hurting scores of innocent victims along the way.

Kaspersky believes that it necessary to view cyber weapons with the same seriousness as chemical, biological and even nuclear threats.  Mutually assured destruction should exclude them from the arsenals of nation states.

The apocalyptic scenario he painted is fit for the silver screen.  No surprise then, that it was a film that converted him to the idea that cyber terrorism was a clear and present danger.

By his own admission, Kaspersky watched the 2007 Film Live Free or Die Hard with a glass of whiskey in one hand and a cigarette in the other shouting:  “Why are you telling them [how to do this}?”

The film’s plot revolves around an NYPD detective played by Bruce Willis, fighting a gang of cyber terrorists who are targeting FBI computer systems.
"Before Die Hard 4.0, the word cyber terrorism was a taboo in my company. It could not be uttered aloud or discussed with the media. I tried to keep the Pandora’s Box closed. When the film hit the screens, I canceled that ban," Kaspersky admitted.

Huzzawuh? Doomsday You Say?

I've been spending a large amount of time with my 14 year old son lately, scouring record stores for old punk rock & jazz & blues & weirdo records like Zounds! What Sounds where you find power tools mixed in with a full orchestra.

We've also been having a few giggles cavorting around the televised realm of Fortean phenomena.

We've chuckled as the Finding Bigfoot folk hunt "squatches," and we've literally pissed ourselves laughing at NatGeo's Chasing UFOs. Needless to say, the intrepid truth seekers at Chasing UFOs do not, by any warped stretch of the imagination, live up to their PR.




By far, my favorite bit of wanker silliness can be found on NatGeo's Doomsday Preppers.

Thanks to the Internut, & all its nutty paranoid denizens, the survivalist movement has veered out of the trailer parks of America & landed smack dab in the middle of white picket fence suburbia.

With hilarious results.

Here we have the self styled "Doris Day of Doom:"




By far, my favorite bit of dipshit logic can be encapsulated in her opening remarks:

"Black swan events are those events that come out of nowhere. We often say, 'Oh, I didn't see that one coming.'They have the potential to completely change the way we live our lives."

Black swan events? Gee, that has the stinky stench of the Internut about it.
I wonder if heart attacks, strokes and a good old fashioned cancer diagnosis qualify?
I'd bet not since those more likely DOOMSDAY events are almost impossible to PREP for.

It's so much easier to stockpile food & play make believe. In fact there are apparently entire Internut communities of like minded make believers willing to feed one's delusions as they simultaneously direct you to other, more mercenary, communities of survivalist businessmen & authors who are more than willing to empty your wallet.

Ain't Capitalism grand?

There are so many hurtling leaps off of Mount Logic during this one short segment that I think it's best to let it speak for itself.

In fact, every episode was chock full of hurtling leaps off Mount Logic into the frothy waters of Lake Delusion.

From the gent who didn't want his name used (although he had no problem having his face shown), and who built little dioramas of his prepper compound so he could, like a backwoods General Rommel, plan the best way to defend himself against roving bandits hunting for his stash of hidden canned green beans, to the gent who peppered his property with little "spider holes" and who headed a demented boy scout troop of teens he taught to roll in & out of moving trucks while firing automatic weapons, to the old hippie couple in the converted missile silo who look like they already have one foot in the grave & won't "survive" for much longer, catastrophe or no catastrophe, you will see the new face of madness at its most banal.





And after you watch a few prepper families conduct evacuation drills you'll find it hard to not wonder how all of these gas mask wearing, underground bunker hiding kids could possibly escape future mental illness.

While none of this has made me the least bit interested in installing a bomb shelter, it has made me realize how much these people need a catastrophe to occur. If it doesn't occur they've spent huge chunks of their lives stockpiling food no one will ever eat. They need the end, much like a junky needs a fix.

Although I suppose that, on one level, preppers aren't any madder than your average overweight sports fan who hasn't touched a football or a basketball since high school and yet still finds himself slavishly obsessing over his local sports team as if their win benefits him/her in some way.

Still, the preppers are a lot funnier.

Parents accused of leaving their children bound and blindfolded in a Walmart parking lot recently sold off some belongings in preparation for the end of the world, a neighbor said Thursday.

"I was here last week at the garage sale and they were selling all of their belongings; the lady was reading her book," neighbor Kathy Grotefend said. "She said she believes it's the end of the world and they don't need this materialistic stuff."

Adolfo Gomez Jr., 52 and Deborah Gomez, 43 of Northlake IL., face several counts each of child abuse and child endangerment. Police arrested them Wednesday in Lawrence, KS., after a passer by saw a 5-year-old boy and 7-year-old girl bound and blindfolded outside the family van.

Authorities said the family was living out of their vehicle and were on their way to Arizona.

Grotefend said she tried to allay Deborah Gomez's concerns about the end of the world before the family left on their cross-country excursion.

"I told her nobody knows when the end of the world was going to come," said Grotefend. "We don't know. God doesn't let us know."

Grotefend also remarked that Adolfo Gomez, Jr. seemed angry and described the five children as "beautiful.

 We here at END TIMES CENTRAL do not, I repeat, DO NOT condone tying up children in Wal-Mart parking lots.

Not when you can keep the little tykes occupied with a good old fashioned Mayan Calendar board game.

Now, if that's a little too "pre-conquistador pagan" for you, we have a nice & wholesome Christian alternative:



Now remember,

TYING UP YOUR CHILDREN IN PARKING LOTS IS VERY VERY BAD

but

LEAVING THEM WITH END OF THE WORLD BOARD GAMES IS VERY VERY GOOD

Laetum Revelatio

And remember, there's only 168 shopping days left till shopping is magically transformed into looting, so get out there & shop ya bastards.

MIAMI (Reuters) - Quartavious Davis is still shocked by what happened to him in federal court two months ago. "My first offense, and they gave me all this time," said Davis, a pudgy African American with dreadlocks who spoke with Reuters at the Federal Detention Center in Miami. "Might just as well say I'm dead." Davis was convicted of participating in a string of armed robberies in the Miami area in 2010. His accomplices testified against him, saying he carried a gun during their crimes and discharged it at a dog that chased them after one of their burglaries. But Davis was not convicted of hurting anyone physically, including the dog. Davis would occupy no place at all in the annals of crime if not for his sentence. Now 20 years old, he was sentenced to 1,941 months - almost 162 years - in prison without the possibility of parole.

Wow! 162 years for a few bank jobs.

Ha!! It looks like our fearless leaders are taking a hard line on crime. It's about time.

I bet those motherfuckers at AIG, BOA, Goldman Sachs,  & JP Morgan are shitting themselves with worry. This guy only robbed a few banks & they gave him 162 years, while these greedy shitheads crashed the entire U.S. economy. They're going to be looking at some serious fucking time.
Centuries even...

What's that?

No one from  AIG, BOA, Goldman Sachs or JP Morgan were ever arrested?

You're shitting me.

That...that can't be true...this is the land of freedom, truth, & JUSTICE...

There...there must be some mistake.

I think I need a beer.

& a joint...

...maybe a pipe full of crack...

....& some oxycontin patches...

...a little smack behind the knee might be in order too...

Fuck!

Be Very Afraid

The first episode covers Henry Lee Twister & Richard "The Earth Quaker" Ramirez.

 One viewing will convince you that the ground you're walking on & the air you're breathing wants to KILL YOUR ASS.

This sobering realization will compel you to master your hidden levitation skills. It will also go far towards explaining why children, much wiser than their adult kin, always feel compelled to hold their breath till their faces turn blue.

 It also finally answers the age old question, 'Does God want me dead?"

Of course, it's best to smoke a few bowls of bath salts while viewing. (Consumption of human flesh is always optional)

The bath salts will efficiently soften the de-evolutionary barometer drop brought about by the realization that TV networks actually pay people to come up with ideas that equate serial killers with natural disasters.

 In the end, I think that you'll understand how America finds itself at the bottom of the world's IQ mountain while it simultaneously attains the pinnacle of the world's obesity mountain.

 Enjoy!