Sunday, July 31, 2011

Obama Demonstrates The Proper Form For Booty Smooching One's Betters



Republican and Democratic leaders have agreed on a plan to raise Miss America's skirts & give her the fucking she's been begging for, President Obama announced Sunday night.

The announcement arrives after months of intense closed-door groveling as each party vies for the much coveted "Rich Man's Bitch" spot in the U.S. Penitentiary, and just two days before the deadline set by the Treasury Department. (These "cliffhanger" endings have become mandatory in a society dominated by the pop culture goulash of cop shows, doctor dramas & big budget fiascoes like Transformers.)

According to the details available, the agreement would allow the growth known as "government" to continue, over the next decade, shoveling our last few pennies into the coffers of the ruling class while allowing enough borrowing to put off another vote to raise the ceiling to 2013, ensuring that the 2012 presidential winner will have ample time to force his fist further up our collective asses. About $1 trillion will be cut immediately, and the details of the remaining spending reductions will be obfuscated by a bipartisan committee of 12 corrupt ho-bags from both chambers, who will recommend that Americans "just bend over & take it like a serf." To appease the GOP's conservative wing, Obama will spend a portion of his remaining term appearing only in white face, while his speeches will strictly adhere to their carefully constructed "Yessa Massa" template.

"I want to announce that the leaders of both parties, in both chambers, have fellated their way to an agreement that will reduce the deficit and avoid default--by increasing the deficit while pushing off default until a more politically expedient time," Obama said. "Now, is this the deal I would have preferred? No. . . . But this con-promise does demonstrate to our owners that we like it on our knees, puckering & smooching, and each party is equally committed to oral insemination by our betters."

House Speaker John Boner held a conference call Sunday evening with House Republicans in which he urged them to support the package, declaring that the deal in place not only "meets our principles of smaller government, but also allows us ample leeway to screw the little guy right in his or her flaccid & flabby keister."

"There is a framework that we can strap Miss America to that would completely restrict Her movements while enabling us to just cut off her skirts entirely. This contraption would allow a larger number of over zealous wealthy frat boys to squirt their illicit seed into Miss America's nether regions, while further impoverishing Her children," he said, according to a transcript provided by Boner's office. Boner reiterated by saying, "Now listen, go fuck yourselves."

With the approval of leaders of the House and Senate, and Tuesday's deadline looming, Congress must act quickly to distribute the required amounts of K-Y lube to their soon to be corn-holed constituency. The deal will require that passive Americans remain passive as they're herded towards the bread line.

Senate Minority Leader Bitch McCummell and Majority Leader Hairy "The Crotch" Reid will both unzip their flies & present their cocks to us Monday at 11 a.m. with beer & underage hookers expected afterward.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The BAM! BOOM! KAPOW! Seminar Or How A Blonde Haired Blue Eyed "Muslim" Lost His Faith & Became A Media Darling



Kill 92 & you're a fiend.
Kill 92,000 & you're the president.
Kill 'em all & you're God.

Yahoo & AP & FOX & CNN secretly love mass slaughter.
So many empty hours of programming time instantly filled.
So many talking heads with so many opportunities to talk.
To tsk tsk & "sympathize" & emote emotions they've stopped feeling ages ago.

They love mass slaughter.

As do we
they're loyal
bored
& utterly empty viewing audience.





"Don't look at me like
I am a monster.
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junky
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother
Holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky
Crying 'Why oh why.'
Cause I need to watch things die
From a distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
You all need it too
Don't Lie"

Friday, July 22, 2011

A Quick Interlude Before The Curtain Crumbles

Alrighty, we're about 1/2 way till world's end (sadly, I've only been able sell the post with the cheerleader photos, so my lunch wagon idea has been sputtering) & I've been noticing a veritable plethora of signs & omens that will, with careful consideration, reveal the innermost machinations of the BIG GUY, ol' YAHWEH. (Can I get a big Hooray for Yahweh?)

This morning, my dog was squatting in the yard and straining & grunting over a bowel that just refused to move.

After much effort, the poor guy managed to pinch this sucker out:



Now, if that isn't omen enough, the little turd stood up & did this:



while loudly shrieking "I'm gonna fist fuck all you mealy mouthed wanker sons of bitches right in your puckered little brown eyes & you gonna like it," before it scampered off to the right & disappeared into foliage.

Quite frankly, I think this bodes ill for the un-Raptured amongst us.

Prey children.

THE END IS PIE.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

October 21st

After careful introspective deliberation involving darts and shredded Bible pages, I've come to the conclusion that the world will really end on October 21st. In an effort to ease Yahweh's reinsertion into the world orifice I've decided to close down the bloog, sell off my old posts on Ebay, and build a combination Ark/Bomb Shelter/Traveling Billboard/Mobile Kitchen in order to pass the word while simultaneously offering shelter and greasy chicken wings to those with ears to hear.

I wish y'all the best and hope the coming Tribulation won't find you sitting on the toilet with an unwiped ass crack or balls deep in a farm animal.

Toodles.


If you see this in your rear view mirror
drive faster.

Friday, May 27, 2011

AutoErotic Penmanship

Another spacey news day for Yahoo. First, we're told that

"Gas tanks are draining family budgets"


Gee, that could be bad. Empty budgets mean empty shopping carts. But then we're told right below, that

"Rising consumer confidence lifts stocks"


Whew. That was close. I'd hate to see stockholders suffering. Not that I own any. & I'd hate to see consumers suffering from a lack of confidence. I doubt we could afford to send everyone in the country to a Tony Robbins seminar. But then further down they give us this

"April consumer spending shows weak gain"


Maybe consumers were just a little insecure, but now they're reasserting themselves, poising to storm the Wal-Mart aisles & Home Depot Garden Centers.

It's all so confusing. Like watching a silent movie in braille.

Oh well, at least Obama, the Hope & Change guy, didn't throw us any curve balls. He extended The Patriot Act without any changes, just like everyone on the right hoped he would.

Good boy Barack.

Sit up.

Beg.

Here's a biscuit.

Now go play while the rich white guys think up a new task for your black ass.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The End Is Nigh And It Smells Just Like Poop

I have to say that I was highly depressed that I didn't see all the goody two shoe Christians jetting off into space. The idea that we only had a few more months of life left for our lovely human/talking monkey meat sack zoo was quite comforting.

"Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon
I certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation
From this bullshit 3 ring circus sideshow of freaks"


Thankfully Reverend Camping found out it was just a computational error. Evidently Saturday was only the day of "God's judgement." Evidently by committee.

From what I understand, The Father, The Son & The Holy Ghost met in a celestial boardroom & hashed out the details of God's Santa-like naughty/nice list.

Here's a bit of the transcripts I obtained from "IamGODandyabestlistentoMe.com."

Holy Ghost: What about Lady Gaga?

Jesus: Myself! What's your problem Ghost? You know how the Big Guy feels about that trans-gender shit?

Yahweh: (muffled sounds of snoring)

Jesus: It's a good thing He's still in His Odin Sleep.

Holy Ghost: Sorry Joshua. OK, how about George W.?

Jesus: Well, that's a given. Y'know how it goes, "drunkards & fools & such?" GW happens to fit both criteria.

Holy Ghost: Right. A big check for GW.
What about Noam Chomsky?

Jesus: Sorry. Socialist. If God wanted people to help each other He wouldn't have made them to be such selfish bastards now would He?

Holy Ghost: Check.


(This literally goes on for billions & billions of pages so I'll end it there.)

Luckily Reverend Camping wasn't wrong about that end date though.

Oct. 21st.

Mark those calendars kiddies, there is the granddaddy of all light shows on the horizon.

Personally I'm getting all goose pimply just thinking about it.


Coca Cola And Armageddon
We Like It, We Like It, Yes We Do
Coca Cola And Armageddon
It's The Real Thing
Now Come And Get It

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A Yahoo's Economy At A Glance



NEW YORK (AP) -- High gas prices are driving a wider wedge between the wealthy and everybody else.

(You know what else also "drives a wedge between the wealthy & everybody else?"
Wealth.)


The rich are back to pre-recession-style splurging: Saks Fifth Avenue and Nordstrom customers are treating themselves to luxury items like $5,000 Hermes handbags and $700 Jimmy Choo shoes, and they're paying full price.

(Translation: During the elite's epic financial ass raping of the un-elite, the wealthy, not looking to draw opprobrium or lynch mobs, laid low. Now, with the realization that we're little more than whipped dogs groveling at their mercy, they decided to say, "FUCK IT" and splurge.)


At Target and Walmart, shoppers are concentrating on groceries and skipping even little luxuries. BJ's Wholesale Corp. said Wednesday that its customers are buying more hamburger and chicken and less steak and buying smaller packs to save money.

"The average shopper isn't in the game, except for necessities," said Faith Hope Consolo, chairman of retail leasing and marketing at Prudential Douglas Elliman. At the same time, among the rich, "Luxury products are selling like bread."

(NEWSFLASH: The average shopper has never been "in the game," because survival isn't a game. Advertisers have never aimed any "luxury" advertising at people like me. I get the beer ads & the get rich quick real estate schemes & Jerry Springer)


J.C. Penney, Wal-Mart and home-improvement retailer Lowe's Cos. all said they're noticing their customers are consolidating shopping trips to save money on gas as the average price hovers near $4 a gallon.

More than a half-dozen corporate earnings reports this week show that, for the affluent, rising prices are merely a nuisance. For others, they can mean scrimping to put food on the table.

(Which leads me to believe that we should just shit, get off the pot and exterminate all those poor wealthless bastards toot sweet. Look at it as mercy killing. After all, you wouldn't let a dog wallow in anxiety as it slowly starves to death, so why do it to people. Of course, I'd be on the their "shoot the bastard" list, but, like my dearly departed ma used to say, "Ya gotta take the bitter with the better sonny boy.")


The wealthy were the first to start spending again after the recession. Middle-class Americans' spending started picking up late last year.

(See above)


But the retail earnings results show that rising prices for gas and food, particularly meat, dairy and produce, have started to erode spending power.

(In other words, the average American's economic recovery didn't really amount to much.
In reality, the recovery was an invention, foisted on yoo-hoo America in an effort to misdirect them into spending more of what they don't have on shit that they don't need.)


It could get worse later this year, when clothing prices are expected to rise 10 percent to 15 percent. Meat prices are expected to rise 6 percent to 7 percent this year and dairy products as much as 5.5 percent, according to USDA estimates.

(Cool! Even more shit I won't be able to afford to buy. At this rate, my goal to become materialism negative should be reached much sooner than I thought. Now I'll have more time to work on the Breatharian principle of gaining sustenance from light rays. I'm always impressed at the concern the elite have for my spiritual well being.)


The bottom fifth of earners, with a median household income of $9,846, spend 35.6 percent of their income on food and 9.4 percent on gas, according to Citi Investment Research.

The top fifth, whose median household income is $157,631, spend only 6.8 percent on food and 1.9 percent on gas. So they feel price increases less.

(With one slight revision, that last bit will be completely true. "The top fifth, whose median household income is $157,631, spend only 6.8 percent on food and 1.9 percent on gas. So they feel less.")


"While the U.S. economy is showing some signs of improvement, we expect the recovery will continue to be slow and uneven, particularly for more moderate-income households," Gregg Steinhafel, Target's chairman, president and CEO, said on a conference call with analysts Wednesday.

(Tranlation: If ya ain't got that green, life's gonna get mean.)


The divide is prompting retailers to alter their strategies: Luxury stores like Saks Fifth Avenue, which had added more items, from shirts to suits, at lower prices after the financial meltdown in late 2008, are again rebalancing their assortments. Now, it's back to the $300-plus dress shirts.

"We are increasingly optimistic about the future," Saks CEO Stephen Sadove said in a call with analysts on Tuesday after reporting a 9 percent first-quarter revenue increase.

(I don't know about you, but I am heartened to know the wealthy are "optimistic." Why should everyone mire themselves in utter depression like I do on a day to day basis? Truthfully, it sucks. I'd take optimism & a big bank account over depression & crushing credit card debt any day of the week.)


At the other end of the spectrum, Wal-Mart and others under more pressure to get their financially squeezed shoppers to spend, are offering more discounts and pushing smaller packages at the end of the month when shoppers have less money.

(I have a suggestion for Wal-Mart. Since Wal-Mart's only goal appears to be squeezing every last cent out of their clientele, they should just arm their greeters. Then, when anyone comes in to shop, the greeter can just get their wallets at the door. It would cut down on useless practices like stocking shelves since most of what Wal-Mart sells is shoddily constructed junk that will fall apart within weeks after purchase anyway. Not to mention the boost in self esteem all those greeters would experience as they're mutated from invisible & ignored oldsters into modern day versions of Jesse James. I can think of one guy, a Wal-Mart senior with no legs who always seems to look so sad & lost as he sits in his wheelchair at my local Wal-Mart, who would benefit greatly from this plan.)


CVS Caremark Corp. announced Wednesday it was offering a new program for its loyalty card members to earn free $10 gas cards for every $30 they spend on certain items from Sunday through Aug. 28. Eligible offerings, from soda to household cleaning products, will be listed in an advertising circular and highlighted on store shelves with a gas tank logo.

Target, whose shoppers' median household income is $60,000, said Wednesday that it's the better-off customers who are driving its revenue growth. The rest of its customers are focusing on necessities like food, resulting in some sales declines in the rest of the store.

(I understand that CVS is also contemplating having a "let your cute daughter blow the manager for discounts" day. Not to be outdone, Target, always in the market for PC friendly publicity, will also include "cute sons" in the offer.)


"The importance of delivering everyday low price has never been as great, as our customers are consolidating trips due to higher gas prices," said Bill Simon, CEO and president of Wal-Mart's U.S. division.

(Man, nothing warms my heart more than seeing the neat & creative ways American CEOs insert economic destruction into their marketing strategies. What more could a nation of consumers want from a reality anyway?)


Alfred E. Neuman III, Esq.


"His thoughts trickled, disjointed, timid. He decided the poets and the painters,
the sculptors and the writers, the crackpot theologians and their excommunicated kin,
and the mystics had it right. Reality was a makeshift prop, an amalgamation of
agreed-upon conjecture, a consensus of self-limiting parameters and paradigms
made palatable by endless speculation fueled by madness and hope
and no mean amount of good dope. Rubber science, bouncing like a handball
off the nonexistent wall of a metaphysical gulag."