Thanks to my friend Shrub, I had the pleasure of experiencing BP's latest effort in right brain trance induction.
I don't know, maybe the hypnotism works better when it's on a TV. Anyway, this sent me on a nostalgic quest down memory lane, back to the halcyon days before oil passed its sell by date, grew mold, & became inedible & dangerous.
First up, we have conclusive proof that all those Gulf fishermen are a bunch of whiny ignoramuses, worrying needlessly about their precious little livelihoods.
See what I mean. The damn oysters LOVED
living in oil. In fact, I think that BP, realizing that the beneficial wonderfulness of oil should be given to all the little oysters & their offspring, not to mention all the other sea critters that have lived lives of salty, water filled oil deprivation, is just fulfilling their Mission Statement and living up to their ecological commitments by replacing all that useless seawater with black gold.
Now just imagine all the healthful consumer goodies we get from oil.
We get petroleum jelly:
NOUN: A colorless-to-amber semisolid mixture of hydrocarbons obtained from petroleum and used in lubricants and medicinal ointments. Also called petrolatum.
Alrighty then. Now remember, the next time you see some left wing anti-corporate propaganda that uses an image like this:
just keep in mind that the little birdie will never suffer from chapped lips or dry skin again. I won't bother getting into all the gooey benefits the little birdie will gain should he find that he has a predilection for anal sex.
Now this little guy here:
has definitely had a hard day at the office & a night plagued by screaming destructive toddlers. So he will benefit from oil's mysterious Bayer effect:
Then we have those ever handy Band-Aids:
Gee, ain't those kids just the cutest?
Now, when you see a photo like this:
just remember that the poor little dolphin may have had a really big boo-boo, and his dolphin mommy just stuck some Band-Aid on him. I think he'd even be singing if his mommy didn't mistakenly Band-Aid his mouth shut.
I don't know. Singing & oil seemed to be quite the team back in the day. Back before all those sweaty un-bathed environmental activists, with their perpetually dry skin, chapped lips, un-Band-Aid-ed boo-boos & migraines started fucking it up for the rest of us. Just a big bunch of sickly cry babies if ya ask me.
Personally, I prefer Bing Crosby:
& Sammy Davis Junior:
Heck, even the service station attendants sang back before "THE LIB-ER-ALS" effed it up for us all.
Big Oil is so thoughtful, they even included some cartoons for the kiddies.
Man, I loved cartoons when I was a kid. Now, just so we're clear on this, eco-wienies with chapped lips are bad, but with big oil, we're all cupped lovingly in their good hands. Kind of like a slippier version of All State.
Hey, maybe that's it.
BP needs to hire this guy:
because his look-a-like:
isn't getting the job done.
If you happen to doubt any of this, just remember what oil did for these folks:
Good day y'all, & happy motoring.