Friday, December 28, 2012

Julie Keith was unpacking some of last year's Halloween decorations when she stumbled upon an upsetting letter wedged into the packaging.

Tucked in between two novelty headstones that she had purchased at Kmart, she found what appeared to be a letter from the Chinese laborer, who had made the decoration, pleading for help

The letter reads: "Sir, if you occasionally buy this product, please kindly resend this letter to the World Human Right Organization. Thousands people here who are under the persecution of the Chinese Communist Party Government will thank and remember you forever."

"I was so frustrated that this letter had been sitting in storage for over a year, that this person had written this plea for help and nothing had come of it." Julie Keith told Yahoo! Shine. "Then I was shocked. This person had probably risked their life to get this letter in this package."

The letter describes the conditions at the factory: "People who work here have to work 15 hours a day without Saturday, Sunday break and any holidays. Otherwise, they will suffer torturement, beat and rude remark. Nearly no payment (10 yuan/1 month)." That translates to about $1.61 a month.

Long live Mao!!!
American Capitalist pig shopping addicts
don't care how cheap goodies are produced
as long as cheap goodies stay cheap.
They buy & buy & buy...
makes them horny...
love shopping better than children,
better than parents,
better than mate...
flock to malls in droves,
the new American Mosque 
& Synagogue 
& Church, 
genuflect before entering Macy's 
then touch groin repeatedly 
as arousal becomes uncontrollable. 
Each credit card swipe 
elicits moaning acquiescence 
before the Gods of Commerce...
in background a repetitive video loop 
of degraded Chinese workers plays over & over....
young girls fondled as 
young boys made to lick their master's boots....
while credit limits are renegotiated and realigned...
infinite growth rapes a finite world...
infinite growth rapes a finite world....
repeat it like a mantra...
enlightenment achieved through
the gaping maw of consumption
we are mouths 
& assholes
& teeth
oh my
we are mouths
& assholes
& teeth
oh my

Friday, December 21, 2012

Another Apocalypse come & gone.

Now I suppose that the inevitable post-Armageddon blues will set in...

Every Apocalypse is always the same.

You bust your ass sinking the shipping container under 20 feet of dirt, then you furiously race from store to store, hoarding can goods like an elf hoards wood putty. You make your list & check it twice & thrice & you plan your escape should the zombified hordes of hungry humans overrun your position, maybe squeezing up the prefabricated chimney/escape hatch you had spot welded onto the shipping container, then a quick jaunt to a waiting freezer truck packed with frozen deer meat where you hightail it somewhere North & cold & deserted.

Then what happens?

The Apocalypse is here & gone before you know it & all you're left with are the bills & the guilt.

Thankfully the esteemed Huffington Post has a handy guide to navigating those nasty post-Armageddon blahs.

1. Cut yourself some slack.

Always good advice. So you spent your entire retirement fund on MREs &  fed your children substandard meals so you could use the extra money to buy 3 generators & a water purification system. So what. Just breath...breath again...then forgive yourself.

2. Work in structure.

In other words...return to your normal schedule. This may be hard since you've completely alienated all your co-workers with your incessant prepping & talking about prepping & describing what other preppers are doing that they may not want you. It probably won't help that you shrugged off participating in this year's Secret Santa gift exchange by loudly exclaiming, "You're all gonna fuckin' die," and then laughing maniacally.

3. Get your pamper on.

This does not refer to your plan to wear diapers while you were crouched down in your hidden spider hole. What they're suggesting is that you pamper yourself back to equilibrium. For example, you know that box of Twinkies that you had scheduled for the week of 10/12/16...well it's time to live large buddy...crack that mother open and eat them all. The entire week's worth.  Or maybe it's time to buy yourself that tactical assault rifle you saw at Merle's gun show. Hell, live a little son.

4. Stop the Armageddon binge.

That means no more canned goods, no more shipping containers &, most of all, no more urine to drinking water conversion kits.

5. Add in Omega-3s

They're suggesting that you boost your brain functions by gobbling up some good old fatty acids.
This is fine line you're walking here. You want to boost brain function past the depression level but you need to ensure that brain function doesn't exceed the credulity level otherwise you risk missing out on the next Apocalyptic scare.

6. Think high intensity.

So you want to gear up that work out. Maybe use live ammo for your barbed wire crawl or maybe set yourself a goal of 3 freshly dug spider holes a day. Mood changes should soon follow.

7. Know when it's time for help.

This is a tricky one. I'm assuming that they mean recruiting extra hands to help secure your compound against any future apocalyptic meltdown. I'm almost 100% positive that they're not, in any way shape or form, suggesting that you get within 10 miles of any mental health professional.

I sincerely hope that this helps you weather the storm of post-Apocalyptic depression.
We here at DickCentral™ understand how you feel.
Humanity sucks.
& it deserves erasing.
Just think positive & remember

Better luck next time.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

2 1/2 hours into DOOMSDAY & the world's still here.

What a fucking bummer.

Goddamn Mayans...lying sacks of Injun shit.

I guess I'll have to put the shipping container up on Ebay.

Maybe the MRE's will sell too...

I guess I can finally stop shitting in compost buckets...


Stoopid Mayans

Stoopid calendar

Friday, December 14, 2012

We humans are strange little critters.

I wonder if gazelles stop and mill about as the unlucky slowpoke gazelle gets gobbled up by the lions?

Do they postulate endless conspiracy theories as they attempt to make sense of the carnage?

Since I steered clear of massacre stories cell Crackbook account...only enough Internet to note the ever changing Massacre headlines as the day long feeding frenzy played out with the media doing their astute job of sniffing out bloodshed, knowing they had a rapt audience of accident scene rubber neckers to placate...I'm woefully short on details.

So don't expect any.

What I did do, at day's end,  is pay a visit to 2 of my favorite crackpot websites on the Internut, Loren Coleman's Twilight Language & the Rigorous Intuition Forum.

I've come to the conclusion that I could write their material without them.

It's so fucking predictable.

Everyone is just so sad, but, surprisingly not sad enough to stop blog & forum posting.
Because we all know how important it is.


What did these people do before the fucking Internet?

They must have led lives of incredibly empty loneliness as all of their incite & wisdom went for naught. Sitting, muttering to themselves in isolated little rooms with wistful music playing in the background.

Well Yay Internut!

You do have a purpose.

Too bad they don't.

These folk have been playing the same old story for fucking years & years & years...

Pontificating  about the  same revolving door of crap they've read in books or on the Internut...

LARPing the roll of revolutionary on nice hermetically sealed forums with other like minded LARPers.

Yet, magically, nothing ever changes.

The slaughters continue...

Does Loren really believe that if he juggles enough names that somehow, in the juggling, he'll find a reason for it all?  God's Etch-A Sketch in action.

Does Loren believe that he is somehow magically above the media, who he castigates endlessly for glorifying spree killers and instigating their recurrence, when he posts endless reams of blog posts dissecting the massacres as if they were secret messages from God?

Do the RI Forum crew seriously believe they're doing anything other than re-spoon feeding a shitload of spoon fed news stories to each other.

Retyping the same tired second & third & 40th hand stories over & over again?

More importantly, do these pathetically lonely mental cases really think that type on a screen makes them part of "a community."

Jesus, are these people really that fucking alienated?

If the Mayans are right and the 21st is the end of it all, I suspect that there isn't much of us left to kill.

After all, you can't kill what's already dead.

It's now 6 AM. For 32 of the next 40 hours I'll be working with the polar opposite of RI Land, RepubLand. Yippee! Please oh please oh please God, I promise I'll stop being an unbelieving wanker asshole as long as You keep Anti-UN guy from showing up this weekend. I can hear him now:

"You know, that school shooting was a well orchestrated para-military operation jointly planned by the UN & President Obama. It was carried out under the auspices of MK-Ultra in order to coalesce public opinion behind a seizure of OUR GODDAMN GUNS and furthermore yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah yadda blah yadda blah yadda blah blah blah....

Oh frabjuous joy Caloo Calay....

Here's a thought,

instead of non stop media coverage of spree killings where voluminous armies of rubber necking at accident scene wankers get to lurk around comment sections & forums & blogs,
pontificating on their personal obsessions (i.e. gun control, no gun control, government conspiracies, etc.), and then explaining in badly spelled & illiterate detail how those personal obsessions foretold the event or could effectively derail future events while they amateurishly smokescreen their real love of bloodshed under all this bullshit,  and pseudo journalists get fill up reams of computer screen with empty type without exerting any effort whatsoever, let's have no media coverage whatsoever.

No photos of the crime scene.

No photos of wailing & heartbroken parents.

No endless stream of faux journalistic voyeuristic product that masks itself as information.

But most importantly of all, no photos of the shooters.

No endless examinations of their lives or their motivations.

No trotting out of the shooter's friends and family to find out if they saw  the demon imp in the shooter's eyes. (The didn't) Or if they had any indication said shooter would start shooting(they didn't).

In fact, do not even publish their real names.

Instead they will be known only as John Doe.

Remove every shred of fame or infamy from the act.

Do not serve the interests of the mentally deranged shooter or the equally deranged cult of personality that springs up around him.

Instead, what we have every time this happens is a vampiric feast by journalists & journalist wanna-bes who, in reality, would have absolutely nothing to type if they weren't typing about bloodshed.

Two days ago, the media published this lovely bit of counting your chickens before their hatched back slapping:

Citizens' coolheadedness and individual preparation for coping with gunfire in public settings may have curtailed the casualty count from Tuesday's shooting at a Portland, Ore., shopping mall, law officers suggested on the day after the tragedy.

Two people died and one was critically wounded before the shooter, 22-year-old Jacob Tyler Roberts of Portland, killed himself a few minutes after running into the food court at the Clackamas Town Center mall. Officials say Mr. Roberts, wearing camouflage and a white hockey mask, had methodically fired "multiple" rounds from an assault-style rifle at random shoppers.

Most of the 10,000 Christmas shoppers at the mall appeared nearly as ready and able as police to deal with a gunman appearing suddenly in their midst, Clackamas County Sheriff Craig Roberts said on Wednesday.

Ah yes, spree killers, take that.
We're ready for ya.


 Today we saw what a chunk of shit that is.

So, does the endless attention given to spree killers actually prepare anyone for anything?

Or are we just really helping them refine their techniques as our endless rubber necking feeds their need for quasi-fame?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Zombie Apocalypse

Being in an apocalyptic mood, I've been tooling around the Information Super Highway(exactly how outdated am I anyway?) looking for aficionados of TV's most popular apocalyptic meltdown, The Walking Dead.

I should start out by saying that I've never liked the show. Oh, I have a few zombie films in my mental attic, but The Walking Dead has always annoyed me.
When it first started, my 15 year old son & I would watch & just rip it to shreds.
After a while this all became a bit pointless as the show veered toward cliched self parody.

Then he started telling me that his classmates would discuss each new episode as if it were Holy Writ.
In other words, it all became funnier.

In my travels tonight, I came across this discussion over at The Atlantic.

Here, The Walking Dead becomes a metaphor for just about everything. From terrorism to eco-meltdown to underwear that bunches up too much for comfort.

And as these astute culture critics frolic in their inner geekdom, they like to repeatedly mention that The Walking Dead isn't so much about zombies as it is about the protagonist's valiant efforts to maintain their humanity in the face of implacable odds.

They champion this "humanity" from a website whose header ad is from EXXONMOBIL.

Jesus, talk about dissociative behavior.

They really don't see themselves as part of the problem.

The Walking Dead's upscale geek fan base seems to see themselves as the plucky survivors caring & loving & yadda yadda ya-ing in the face of certain doom, while in reality, they're the fucking zombies who have rapaciously eaten up everything in sight.

If anything, The Walking Dead is a metaphor for the world's inability to keep Westerners & their voracious appetites at bay.

We're the fucking unstoppably hungry zombies. & we are most definitely not the heroes here.

As much as we like to believe we are.

We're not.

& if you're dumb enough to think that the economic meltdown of 2008 has changed anything, I invite you to toddle down to your local mall and watch the zombie hordes in action.

They're fucking everywhere.

& they're hungry as hell.

Your Tax Dollars At Work Again

Watch as NASA time travels 10 days into the future & attempts to end the world by boring everyone to death.

In related news:

Some New Age spiritualists are convinced of a December 21 "doomsday" foretold by Mayan hieroglyphs – at least according to some interpretations. Sirince, a village of around 600 inhabitants near the ancient Greek city of Ephesus, has a positive energy according to the doomsday cultists, who say that it is close to an area where Christians believe the Virgin Mary ascended to heaven. The Mayan prophecy has sparked a tourism boom in the village, which is now expected to host more than 60,000 visitors according to local media. "It is the first time we witness such an interest during the winter season," said Ilkan Gulgun, one of the hotel owners in Sirince, quoted by the media. He said the tourists at his hotel believed that the positive energy of Sirince would save them from an apocalyptical catastrophe.

Gee, let me guess, more wealthy white people with more money than sense.

Hopefully the Turks are bilking them royally.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

10 Days & Counting Or Further Proof That (Thankfully) We're Doomed


Scary Rumors about the World Ending in 2012 Are Just Rumors

False rumors about the end of the world in 2012 have been commonplace on the Internet for some time. Many of these rumors involve the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 (it won’t), a comet causing catastrophic effects (definitely not), a hidden planet sneaking up and colliding with us (no and no), and many others.The world will not end on December 21, 2012, or any day in 2012.
Unfortunately, these rumors have many people frightened, especially children. NASA has received thousands of letters concerned about the end of the world. David Morrison, a planetary astronomer and senior scientist for NASA who answers questions from the public about astrobiology, says, “At least a once a week I get a message from a young person ― as young as 11 ― who says they are ill and/or contemplating suicide because of the coming doomsday.”
According to NASA, the old mystery-planet-collision rumor year was 2003, but when 2004 arrived safely, the rumors changed to 2012. So what end-of-the-world year will the rumor mill make up next?

Well that says it all doesn't it? Time to hunker down in your shipping container & dust off your human manure composting equipment because the end is fucking nigh.

Anyone even remotely familiar with NASA's faked Moon shots

or its real Moon shots that discovered alien bases that it then covered up

or its super secret shadow Space Program that did the genuine space shit while the public Space Program just gave people a bunch of Mooney shots it could safely ignore

knows that when NASA moves its collective lips, it's lying.

Hopefully, for the sake of continuity & balance, our collective Dec. 21st ass reaming will be long, hard & entirely lube free.

We deserve it.

Everyone of us.

& remember

No whimpering!

Friday, December 7, 2012

The 70s seemed to be the decade for extraterrestrials to psychically contact people while the intelligence community hovered in the background.

Phil Dick had VALIS, Robert Anton Wilson had his Sirius Transmissions.

Here, John Clark/John Holmes, childhood pal of Jerry Garcia, relates his trip through E.T.-land.

If ET's intention was to point us in the right direction, I'd say that ET fucked up horribly.

That's probably why they just hover over us now, like we're an oversized version of the Cleveland Zoo.

Seriously, can anyone blame them?

Personally I think it's our unnatural attraction to post modern elevator music that keeps them away.

Now, with the approach of our societal expiration date, I think ET needs a little encouragement to do the right thing and zap us into oblivion.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Giving New Meaning To The Phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

A little Old Time Religion for the Holiday/End Of All Da Shit Season

We need more preachers like Reverend X.

Holy Peephole Batman...They're Spying On Us

This is interesting stuff. Not particularly surprising, but interesting.

Although one has to wonder, given The New York Times long history as a mouthpiece for US propaganda, what their motives are for putting this guy on the web.

In some ways I think the US government loves to float bullshit stories about its omnipotent powers for no other reason than to appear more omnipotent than it really is.

Not that I doubt the theory behind the guys story, just pointing out that so many elements of its presentation are, to put it mildly, suspect. 

It does make me infinitely happy that I'm cell phone free, Facebook free, Twitter free, etc.
Even this blog & its attendant e-mail address is under a completely fictitious name.

I am,  as far as I've been able to ascertain, a complete Internet non-entity.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Satan Gears Up For End Times Clearance Sale

The Catholic Church has established an exorcist hotline in Milan, its biggest diocese, to cope with demand. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the diocese’s chief exorcist since 1995, said the curia had also appointed twice as many exorcists to cope with a doubling in the number of requests for help over 15 years.

“We get many requests for names, addresses and phone numbers; that’s why we’ve set up a switchboard in the curia from Monday to Friday from 2.30pm to 5pm,” he told the chiesadimilano website.
“People in need can call and will be able to find a priest in the same area who doesn’t have to travel too far.” And to that end, the number of demon-busting priests on call has increased from six to 12.
The Monsignor said he knew of one exorcist who had been seeing up to 120 people a day. “But with so little time per client he was only able to offer a quick blessing. That’s not enough,” he said. ”There should be two to four appointments a day, no more, otherwise it’s too much.”
It’s not clear why the number of suspected possessions has risen so sharply. But Monsignor Mascheroni said that part of the increase might be explained by the rising numbers of parents having difficulty controlling disobedient teenagers.
“Usually the parents call [because they are] concerned about a child who won’t go to school or who’s taking drugs or rebelling. In reality it’s not a demon, but when they’re 18 years old young people don’t want to be told what to do.”

Demons are literally everywhere these days.

It starts with junior refusing to eat his brussel sprouts. Then, later in life, he's blasting death metal, smoking pot & refusing his teachers demands to learn every significant battle of the Civil War. Finally, he sinks into a morass of kiddie porn, necrophilia, scrotum tattoos & devil worship.

It's a sad & sorry story, replayed over & over, year after year.

I'm personally saddened that the Vatican has chosen to downplay this well traversed road to ruination & Hellfire.

Now, as we sit on the threshold of the invented birthday of an invented God it is made doubly poignant by the approaching END TIMES scenario of the Mayan/Hopi/NewAgersWithDiminishedBrainCells and their December 21st doomsday deadline.

Will the dead walk?

Will Rudolph's nose finally go dark?

Will every Doomsday Prepper prepping in an undisclosed shipping container in America's heartland have the last laugh hunched over their accumulated supply of Spaghetti-Os as the rest of us are forced to BBQ the forbidden long pig for Christmas dinner?

Will Celebrity Ghost Stories actually become believable to anyone other than the most credulous amongst us?

Will Bobo find his Squatch?

Will the aliens rise from their secret base in Mt. Shasta and spirit us all away to a brave new world of intramural rectal probing & vague spirituality interspersed with even vaguer environmentalism?

Will the Catholic Church finally admit that all those molesting priests were sanctioned by the Vatican to work on a secret new delivery method for the Communion wafer?

Will Christians finally admit that there wasn't anyone named Jesus born on December 25th?

Will we finally acknowledge Santa's genuine pedigree and leave him a nice full plate of psychoactive mushrooms instead of all those poorly baked cookies and all those diarrhea inducing gallons of tepid milk?

Only time will tell, my friends.

Only time will tell.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

24 days left & the rivers have turned to blood.

Sydney's famous beaches, popular with surfers, looked more like a scene out of a horror movie today when the waters were stained blood red from an algae bloom.

Okay, it's an ocean.
& it isn't blood.

Still, if I were you, I'd


Just saying....

Monday, November 26, 2012

Just A Reminder

There's just 25 shopping days until the world goes PHZZZZZZZT & all mobile meat loafs are compressed into one tiny point and shoved right up the singularities hindquarters.

On the downside, that $59 billion that American locusts shelled out in another Black Friday consumption orgy will all be for naught since Xmas ain't coming this year Lindy Lou.


Y'see, all the signs are there.

But, with any luck, you will have already finished digging yourself a nice safe bunker and started hoarding the 37 items critical to your survival.

Otherwise, you'll find yourself right & truly screwed come December 21st.

Not to worry though, all of our spiritual flour isn't full of mice turds. 

While our horrific doom was foretold long ago by the Mayans & the Hopi, this is just the bloody placenta that accompanies our glorious rebirth into a new age of human wonderfulness.


Oh the immediate aftermath may be a shit storm wrapped in a cluster fuck, but that's just God weeding out the shitheads & douche bags. Rest assured that once this odious process is completed there will be group hugs for all.

So just remember



Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Dante's 10th Circle

As we're hurtling towards the last curtain call, the final epic encore in the Grand Guignol entertainment known as humanity, I've been contemplating Hell.

More specifically, Dante's unmentioned 10th circle.

I know Dante never mentioned it, but I think that's only because he didn't have the cultural equipment to interpret it.

The 10th Circle of Hell is designed just like a Wal-Mart check out section.

In Hell's version there are 500 check out lanes but only 1 is actually running. In this one line the wait is decades long & when you finally make your way to the cash register & pay, you glance into your cart only to find that your cheap vittles & your sweatshop made knick knacks & clothing & furniture has all rotted & turned to dust. This forces you to return to the store in order to fill up your cart so you can reenter the decades long line & begin the process over again.

In the background there is a never ending soundtrack of insipid Pop music playing all the time.
Strictly for your aural enjoyment.

Sam Walton Contemplating His Creation

Next Week I will examine Dante's 11th Circle of Hell. This involves a never ending Christmas shopping season.

Here, smiling happy Westerners super glue a baby & a mushroom gobbling shaman wild man onto their "bring the Sun back from the darkness"  solstice celebration, & then celebrate this by buying oodles & oodles of "soon to pad landfills" junk made by made by slave & sweatshop labor.

Be there or be square.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Racism Is A Dead Issue In America

That's a funny one, isn't it?

I bring up race because, on Sunday morning, I got a nice view of what I can only refer to as economic racism.

In most regards, it was a typical Sunday & a typical 16 hour workday. Because we're so horrendously short staffed, as always, I was elected to chauffeur clients to & from the hospital.

As I was leaving the hospital for one of my return voyages, I passed The Light Of Life Mission, which runs a soup kitchen on the North Side of Pittsburgh. The soup kitchen wasn't open yet so there was a long line of folks waiting to go in for breakfast.

All of them were African American.

At the other end of the same block, there was an upscale coffee shop with a group of about 8-10 men standing around, outfitted in full Lance Armstrong style biker gear, holding their lattes & whipped fruit drinks & their super expensive mountain bikes. No doubt preparing for their morning bike jaunt around the city.

All of them were white.

While geographically these two groups were only a block apart, in reality it was like they existed in different solar systems.

Now, as much as I'm disillusioned with American politics, I don't find that President Obama is much different than every other president that I've known in my life. In many regards, he appears to be a step above the rest of them.

Granted the pickings are slim. First there was Ronnie "I'm hurtling into dementia" Reagan, who was followed by George H.W. (He's a Wimp) Bush, who was followed by Bill "I enjoy a good vaginal cigar" Clinton, who was followed by my personal favorite, George "I couldn't form a coherent thought if my life depended on it" Bush.

Yet, the right wing seems to literally seethe with hatred whenever Obama's name is mentioned. I've personally heard him referred to as "a nigger" more times than I can count.

I mean, this is what folk like Rush Limbaugh & Bill O'Reilly really mean when they say "it's no longer OUR country," isn't it?

It's no longer whiteys country.

Of course, that's utter bullshit. The real reins of power, the money, will obviously always remain in white hands. At least in America, where the mass of low rent bottom feeders weep bitter tears at the plight of the super rich while folk that they are really only a few lost paychecks away from joining can be portrayed, in their minds, as "leeches."

It's an interesting society we have here. With a few spins of the propaganda wheel, huge masses of people can be convinced to gleefully slit their own throats.

Unless you're a complete idiot, you know the economy wasn't collapsed by a few "leeches" with bad mortgages. It was the wonderfully patriotic super rich Wall Street dickwads who bundled those mortgages for investment, publicly stamped them with a AAA rating while privately guffawing at their utter worthlessness, and then made money on them hand over fist over knuckle over eyeball. And then, when their worthlessness became apparent, they emptied out the national piggy bank to cover their economic raping of the rest of us.

While I still don't have much faith in President Obama, I do sit in awe of the rich & powerful. They, quite obviously, recognized the racism that dots the underbelly of America like a cancer. In many ways, it appears that the simple act of selecting a black president would, in the end, be the best bit of smokescreen they could ever muster for their crimes.

Because, as every white boy & girl in America knows, it's always the nigger who did it.


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Guilty Pleasure

Look, I know elections are pretty much rigged shams where we choose the brand of toothpaste we'll use to clean the taste of shit out of our mouths for 4 years.

I know Barack isn't going to do anything more for me than Pancho Romney would do.

Still, I used to be a Liberal & a Democrat and I guess old habits really do die a fucking hard death.

Because I couldn't help chuckling like a mad man when I saw pudgy baby man Karl Rove as his head did a continual 360 like he was the Exorcist's Regan stuck in a perpetual tape loop while he simultaneously pissed & shit himself when he refused to accept FOX News election results.

I know I'm an asshole.

Still, it was pretty damn funny.

Monday, November 5, 2012

One Ringy Dingy, Two Ringy Dingy

After weeks of non-stop political phone calls, I have to wonder what big brained political strategist thinks harassment is a sure fire way to get me to the polls.

I received 3 phone calls from Bill Clinton in the last hour alone. I tried to get a word in, being curious about Bill's tendency to use vaginas as cigar humidors, but Bill kept rambling on like I wasn't even there.
I'm not proud to admit it, but I was forced to hang up on the guy.

15 minutes later Bill calls back with the same spiel.


Then 15 minutes after that we're in deja vu land once again.

Gee, you'd almost think it was a taped message.

Yesterday, MoveOn.annoying sent me a "voting report card" to show me that I'm a "below average" voter.

My self esteem still hasn't recovered.

Thanks to bully boy Bill & his belittling cronies at MoveOn.biteme I'm much too ashamed to leave my own home let alone go to a public place & vote.

It will take me weeks to rebound from this shit.

Thanks guys.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

This Tuesday, Remember To...

(This message has been sponsored by AMERICANS WHO NO LONGER GIVE A SHIT. Donations are always welcome. Thank You.)

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

My Apocalypse End Times Mayan Prophecy Fulfilled Soundtrack Starts Here

If you're staggering under The End Times/Election Year Blues, I invite you into the world of
William Tapley or, as he's known in heaven,

Bill offers a plethora of bat shit crazy end times prophecies for your edification & amusement.

These are, of course, nice safe comic book end time predictions, based on Bill's interpretation of the greatest unillustrated comic book of all time, THE HOLY BIBLE.

Now don't get me wrong, I love a good Bible story. They're funnier than a fat guy on an icy sidewalk.

But they're, oh I don't know, all a bit implausible.

Much like the current obsession with Mayan prophecy, belief in Biblical prophecy requires a pompous narcissism that just escapes me.  To think that long dead Jews or long dead Mayans
gave a thought to our society or our society's problems is fucking absurd.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm pulling for the Mayans here. I hope that Dec. 22nd doesn't arrive.
In fact, I'm hoping the end resembles the CGI in Roland Emmerich's doomsday turkey, 2012.

Y'see, from where I sit, being immolated in a super volcano or sucked into a giant tornado is infinitely preferable to where I'm really heading, an old folks home where I get to squirt gooey shit into my Depends.

Having said that, I still don't believe any of it. Not one iota. But apparently many people do.

For most of my life I've watched religious hucksters trot out their End Times dog & pony shows over & over again. As time passes the prophecies mutate & change, but still, the meat of it all remains relatively untouched. Curiously, the fact that all of these prophecies are glaringly & consistently wrong seems to deter no one.

Now, there is a school of thought that links Ritual Magick to our current political scene. Folk like Peter Lavenda & S.K. Bain have been following this trail for years. I am not bright enough to either confirm or deny any of their published speculations. But I do know that the advertising industry is about as close to Crowley's definition of Magick as being "the Science and Art of causing Change to occur in conformity with will," as we're likely to see on a mass scale. They are masters at altering perception and creating desire where previously there was none. Just witness how quickly cell phones have become permanently attached to people's hands.

I also imagine that every good Magick practitioner is also quite adept at the art of redirection. Making you look here when you should really be looking here. Much like elections, where everyone gazes longingly at their candidate of choice while never once looking at the folks in the shadows who wield the real power.

This is how I feel about End Times predictions. They're where the magician wants you to look.
The scary, fictionalized scenarios that are always lurking around the bend, yet "Magickally" never seem to actually materialize.

What the magician doesn't want is for you to look here:

...the future of the oceans is the past, with that vast and beautiful diversity reduced to a stew of jellyfish, bacteria and toxic algal blooms.
That's the awful vision of Jeremy Jackson, a professor of oceanography at Scripps Institution of Oceanography at the University of California-San Diego. His new assessment of the state of the oceans, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, is about as depressing as it gets, and that's impressive, considering that most of the news coming from oceanographers for the last few years has been an incredible downer.
We already knew that overfishing would drive half the world's species of big fish to commercial extinction by mid-Century.
Jackson's analysis adds to overfishing four other factors — habitat destruction, ocean warming, acidification (from absorbing carbon dioxide emissions) and nutrient runoff from farming.
The quintuple threat amounts to a death knell for many of the world's marines species, and entire swathes of ecosystems. Similar to endangered species listings, Jackson identifies endangered habitats, listing coral reefs, estuaries and coastal seas as "critically endangered," and open oceans as "threatened."

Or here:

Like carbon, the nitrogen cycle is all out of whack. In this case, the origins are similar. Instead of burning petroleum or coal, nitrogen comes from natural gas transformed into ammonia fertilizer and used to grow crops; what doesn't absorb into the soil runs off into streams, which flow into rivers, which flow to the ocean, where the nitrogen fuels "dead zones" – areas where nitrogen (and phosphorus) fertilizes so much algae growth that it absorbs enough oxygen to make the water inhospitable to fish and other marine life. Jellyfish are about the only thing that thrives in these conditions; corals certainly do not.
There are other causes of dead zones; human sewage, inadequately treated, is another, as is the fallout from burning fossil fuels and certain industrial processes. Dead zones, which start as "eutrophic" zones (that is, over-rich with fertilizers), and end up as "hypoxic" areas (that is, short of oxygen), often shrink and grow with the seasons.
The World Resources Institute recently mapped the world's dead zones and found a whopping 415 eutrophic zones, including 169 that are known to be hypoxic and another 169 that probably are. The researchers believe the number is much higher, since only the United States and the European Union do an adequate job of counting and reporting problem coastal areas. China and other fast-growing Asian economies are likely polluting their coasts, but the problem hasn't been documented, the researchers say.

Or here:

While the world's population tripled in the 20th century, the use of renewable water resources has grown six-fold. Within the next fifty years, the world population will increase by another 40 to 50 %. This population growth - coupled with industrialization and urbanization - will result in an increasing demand for water and will have serious consequences on the environment.

Already there is more waste water generated and dispersed today than at any other time in the history of our planet: more than one out of six people lack access to safe drinking water, namely 1.1 billion people, and more than two out of six lack adequate sanitation, namely 2.6 billion people.

Or here:

A recent Joint Operating Environment report issued by the U.S. Joint Forces Command suggests that the U.S. could face oil shortages much sooner than many have anticipated.

The report speculates that by 2012, surplus oil production capacity will dry up; by 2015, the world could face shortages of nearly 10 million barrels per day; and by 2030, the world will require production of 118 million barrels of oil per day, but will produce only 100 million barrels a day.

Unsurprisingly, none of this is new. Environmentalists, unencumbered by religious mythology, have been predicting End Times scenarios like this for years.

Few listened.

The mass of people always seemed to prefer the comic book version of dissolution spouted by itinerant holy men. I suppose it's understandable. Humans, at their core, are lazy greedy bastards utterly resistant to change. At least, change that might inconvenience them. 

A heaven sent apocalypse is just a manifestation of God's will. Utterly unchangeable.

But an environmental apocalypse brought on by our own venal stupidity is a completely different matter altogether.

& there is no group with a more vested interest in keeping stupid humans stupid than our owners.

Remember that on election day.

Obama will not save you.

Neither will Romney.

In my opinion, this is the only candidate worth voting for:

Mr. None Of The Above 

Oh Goody!!

Whoever wins the upcoming presidential election, by halfway through the new term the Commander-in-Chief could be wielding a new weapon straight out of science fiction: laser cannons.

That's how close the U.S. Navy is to being able to field the first generation of "directed energy" weapons aboard ships, according to Rear Adm. Matthew Klunder, the chief of the Office of Naval Research. Klunder made the claim Monday to's Danger Room, which has been following the development of the futuristic laser arsenal.

Earlier this year Klunder's office had said the Navy was four years away from mounting the laser weapons, but he told WIRED Monday that recent tests had been "very successful" and the Navy has figured out physics issues that plagued early concepts.

"We're well past physics," he said. "We're just going through the integration efforts… Hopefully that tells you we're well mature, and we're ready to put these on naval ships."

The weapons are designed to track and fire on threats to a warship that could include anything from armed drones and small "swarm" boats to incoming missiles and aircraft.

In April 2011 the Navy released a video of a test in which its prototype Maritime Laser Demonstrator blasted a hole in the engine of a small boat at sea off the California coast, leaving it dead in the water.

A year later, an officer in the Solid-State Laser Technology Maturation (SSL-TM) program said the Navy believed it was " time to move forward with solid-state lasers and shift the focus from limited demonstrations to weapon prototype development and related technology advancement."

Solid-state lasers are one of several types of laser-based weapons systems currently under development by the Navy and other military services in conjunction with several major defense contractors. A recent Congressional report on the Navy's laser program noted that such devices could be "ready for installation" in "the next few years," but it criticized the Navy for not yet developing a procurement plan or a roadmap for installing the weapons on specific ships.

The military has spent hundreds of millions on the development of the various systems, but once they're installed, the government predicts that they would be relatively cheap to operate, considering they're not using conventional munitions. The Congressional report estimates that it will cost the Navy the equivalent of less than a dollar per shot to use the laser weapons versus, say, short-range air-defense interceptor missiles that generally cost around $800,000 to $1.4 million each.

Hmmm...unless they're expecting an invasion by space aliens, why would they need laser cannons?
I have no doubt that, within 20 years, every gun totin' redneck in this gun totin' redneck country will also want their own laser cannon for home defense.

It must be nice to be a military defense contractor in BOOM BOOM obsessed America. No matter how bad the financial situation gets the defense fund will always be a bottomless money pit that one can tap at will.


Monday, October 22, 2012

A Message To Both Candidates

So stop shoving your dick in it.

I don't care about your ideologies.
I don't care about your political philosophies.
I don't care about your corrupt narcissism
   & your pandering photo ops
   & your inspiring success stories.

I don't care if both the Republican & Democratic parties immolate like the Hindenburg
& plummet from the skies.
I don't care about the legions of my fellow Americans who appear to be brain damaged enough
to think this plastic culture of overweight shoppers is, by any sane standard, great.

I don't care about Christmas
or Jesus
or baseball
or football
or fashion
or Mom
or apple pie
or fucking Chevrolet.

I just want my ass to stop hurting.

So go away.

Or buy some lube.

Or shoot yourselves in the head.

The choice is yours.

Personally, if I were you, I'd choose the last one.

But that's me.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

An Army brigadier general has been charged with forcible sodomy, inappropriate relationships, and possessing alcohol and pornography while serving as a senior commander in Afghanistan earlier this year.
Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair, a deputy commanding general of the 82 nd Airborne Division, faces a possible court martial over the charges handed down Wednesday.
In May, Sinclair was sent home to the United States in the middle of his combat tour in Afghanistan, where he was serving in the southern Afghanistan province of Kandahar as the deputy commander of logistics and support for the 82 nd Airborne.
Sinclair was sent to the division's home base of Fort Bragg, N.C., so allegations of potential misconduct could be investigated. At the time of his return, base spokesmen confirmed that Sinclair was under criminal investigation.
A news release by the Fort Bragg Public Affairs Office listed the charges presented against Sinclair as including "forcible sodomy, wrongful sexual conduct, attempted violation of an order, violations of regulations by wrongfully engaging in inappropriate relationships and misusing a government travel charge card, violating general orders by possessing alcohol and pornography while deployed, maltreatment of subordinates, filing fraudulent claims, engaging in conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman and engaging in conduct prejudicial to good order and discipline, or of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces."
Few specifics about the allegations against Sinclair were released Wednesday, but a Defense Department official said "several women were the subject of Sinclair's alleged misconduct."
A former U.S. official who worked with Sinclair during his deployment in Kandahar said he and other officials who knew Sinclair were shocked by the news of the charges. He described Sinclair as being "very proactive" and a "gregarious individual."

 I suppose that this would be surprising if we lived in an alternate universe where Madison Avenue ad campaigns were completely true.

Unless, in this guys case, he saw the "BE ALL YOU CAN BE" sales pitch and thought, "Oooooo, rapist. Sign me up motherfucker."

Of course, this has nothing to do with the whole war schtick.

Wars are noble.

Warriors are heroes.

& there is absolutely nothing wrong with invading a country.

Sometimes it's necessary.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...there's a modicum of collateral damage.

A few children get eviscerated.

A few women get raped.

You can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.


When all is said & done, they'll thank us.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Tattooed Wankers Go A Wanking

I watched this lovely little documentary about the Toynbee Tiles late last night.
The filmmakers, one a self-styled "outsider," spent years trying to unravel the provenance of these weird little tiles that have been deposited all along the East coast of America, with a few even appearing in South America.

While its being sold as a mystery story solved with dogged determination, I think it's really a study of what happens when a fake outsider like the tattoo covered filmmaker, a typically modern product of school bullying, uncovers the real deal.

A man so uninterested in humanity he only shops late at night. A man whose neighbors rarely see him. A man who puts plywood over his windows and an intricate pipe lock on his door, and who refuses to answer the door no matter how many times the filmmakers make the attempt.

Quite frankly, if these filmmakers were concerned with anything other than their own narrow self interests, they would have walked away once they saw what this man was like. They would have left him alone.

Instead, they offer his name for public consumption.

I think that this a good criteria for discerning genuine outsiders from the myriad army of fake outsiders who pay lip service to a dislike for society but secretly ache to be accepted & loved by society. A true outsider just doesn't give a fuck.

I can also see why the RI crew loves this film. They're all faux outsiders, railing heartily against a culture whose collapse they would never survive. If America's plastic culture didn't offer them a constant influx of new media, they'd have nothing left but themselves. It's understandable.  I'm sure that being alone with any of them would be enough to drive one utterly mad.

I think the lesson here for anyone seeking to extricate him/herself from the herd of narcissistic meat suits is

If you do, the pseudo-hipster vampires will find you & leech on to you & pass you around amongst their cult of outsider wanna-bes like you were a roach smouldering on the end of a roach clip.

Think of all the dead animals
That fan out behind the average American
In a decades long trail
Of blood & gore
Just so he/she can sit
In his/her Lazy Boy
& watch this:

It's last call at the Mayan Bar & Grill
& humanity is long passed its "best by" date.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Do think that the world will soon flush itself down the toidy?

Do you feel that the day of the narcissistic meat suit is drawing to a close?

Are you afraid that you'll spend humanities last days in an underground bunker with no one other than Thumbelina  & her four sisters? Or maybe that your last days will go sour because you forgot to pack the batteries for your vibrator?

Then I have the web site for you:

Survivalist Singles

According to the SS web site

See why Survivalist Singles is the fastest growing relationship site on the web. Create your Survivalist Singles profile to begin the exciting journey towards finding your match. (Hopefully this will be a short journey world's gonna end)
Here you can meet folk like manwithaplan:

who is 59 years old and

a hard working engineer for a global corporation and now ready to get a life!! I've been prepping for 3 years and things are coming together. A like-minded women would be my prized preparation. (especially if I can lure her into my bunker just long enough to handcuff her to a bed)

or whitetiger

a 61 year old woman who has

time this past year, due to a major health crises and near death experience, to realize that I need to pursue what I want in life now, instead of just settling and feeling limited by my circumstances...(one has to wonder how much longer she thinks she'll survive whether the world ends or doesn't end).
or BohemianGirl, a 44 year old woman who is looking for

a partner that can keep me laughing. Someone who is motivated, who can engage in stimulating conversation, a renaissance man would be perfect. (After all, nothing beats a constant stream of one liners & pithy conversation when a zombie horde of starving humans are pounding on your bunker's doors, eh?)

Personally, I'd go for Larkspur_Maiden who is a

19 year old brunette with hazel eyes, weigh 115 pounds, and am 5ft 7inchs tall. I'm a newbies to prepping and survival-ism. I'm interested in learning how to hunt and tan hides. How to catch, grow, and preserve my own food. I'm planning on living a migratory lifestyle in the woods until i can start my own off the grid farm.  (So if you see a nubile young thing with spelling & syntax issues flitting through a forest near you I'd suggest that a trail of hunting magazines strategically interspersed with some hide tanning tools would be your best bet at luring her into your bunker.)
But I'd steer clear of the Baconator,

a 25 year old married man who "isn't bitter because he's single," since no one needs a bunker bound love triangle when the shit is hitting the fan (a favorite phrase of survivalists everywhere).

So, happy dating. And may Cupid's arrow not only find you your heart's desire, but also take out a deer or two so you & your survivalist soul mate can have dinner for a few days.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I know you've seen this video.

I'd just like to say that I think Pancho Romney is a very brave Hispanic American for daring to speak "the truth."

Socialism has to go.

As a start, I think we need to remove the largest socialist institution in this country.

The military.

No more "free education."
No more "free health care."
No more pork laden contracts with hidden "profit guarantee clauses."

And should corporate America be unwise enough to venture into foreign countries, their security is entirely their affair.

This idea of military entitlement makes my blood boil. The idea that the military deserves more just because they, of their own free will, enlist is entirely un-American. Primarily, I think this entitlement attitude has come about because the government actually believes the Madison Avenue bullshit they've used to sell military enlistment to rube Americans.

To alleviate this, we should immediately institute a nationwide draft.
Men & women.
No exceptions.
No exemptions.

&, should a wealthy parent mistakenly pull strings to exempt his/her young son/, say George H.W. Bush did for his cowardly son George W., then that parent will have to face the utter misfortune of having his citizenship stripped from his family, his assets, no matter how copious, seized, & he & his family will be deposited at a Middle Eastern airport wearing nothing but red, white & blue long johns.

In conclusion, I'd like to say

This means you soldier boy!

Tomorrow I'll lay out my plan for having every American, no matter how loaded daddy is,  follow up their conscripted 10 year military service with a 10 year work apprenticeship in a Chinese sweatshop.
This way they, like Pepe Le Romney, will learn to appreciate the benefits of a 16 hour day/7 days a week work ethic.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Updating My File Of Useless Internet Imagery

Dick in.

Here, Rick Santorum admits that Republicans are stupid:

& here is Ernest Angely's  latest page turner
where we will learn, according to his web site, that

Armageddon reveals the overwhelming fear, torment, death and unimaginable destruction that will take place on Earth after the Rapture. This gripping story is based on 100% Bible truth, and the end times have never before been written about in such shocking reality.  You must know about the coming Tribulation and the war to end all wars and heed God’s warnings, or you’ll regret it for all eternity.

Here's a film that has evidently sparked outrage in the Arab world.

Truthfully, I didn't realize that the production team responsible for Mega Shark Vs. Crocosaurus &
Super Shark had a religious films division. This is so bad it makes Ed Wood look like Fellini and it proves, once & for all, that fundamentalists of every stripe have absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever.

Finally, in keeping with my END TIMES THEME, I give you New Age astrologer Barbara Hand Clow

who believes that the coming Mayan conflagration is only dangerous for those of us with a penis.

In my opinion, the reason this transition is so horrific is that the patriarchy must die so the betrayed feminine can again reign on Earth. I equate the feminine with all that is sacred and whole, and I totally trust this process.

Of course, being a New Ager she only means white folk with penises.

Which is a-ok by me since I'll take any escape hatch from this human asylum that I can get.

Dick out.

A Meaningless Rant That Will Mean Nothing To You(really)

4 years ago, at about this same "we're about to elect another tube of toothpaste" time, I was inundated with phone calls from my union, encouraging me to vote for Obama so he could "protect our wages."

&, oddly enough, the union was right about this. Obama liked my 2008 wages so much he preserved them for his entire 4 year stay in office. While they haven't gone down, they also haven't gone up.

Yay Obama.

Yay me.

Last week my employer observed "National Do Something Trivial For Your Ass Wipers So They Don't Notice Their Diminishing Resources Week" by offering us free cake. They also put up a dry erase board called "The Warm & Fuzzy Board" (I'm not kidding) where each employee has the opportunity to write the names of those workers who they think are doing a great job.

Not that it would get them any more money but it might earn them an extra piece of cake &, no doubt, a warm and fuzzy feeling inside.

The fact that management thinks I should care about anyone's opinion about me if it doesn't come wrapped in a pay raise betrays a level of narcissistic egoism that is, quite frankly, astounding.

When I read the memo announcing the "Warm & Fuzzy Board" I wasn't sure if I should be violently ill or laugh until I shit myself. I really didn't see how any other response was possible.

I couldn't help wondering how those old union men would have reacted to getting a "Warm & Fuzzy Board" in lieu of a tangible pay raise.

I suppose that it isn't a coincidence that most of the supervisory staff who dream up & institute hair brained schemes like this are all women. I also doubt that it's coincidental that such completely useless emotion stroking is aimed at a workforce comprised almost entirely of women. I also doubt that it's coincidental that most of these women have cell phones glued to their fingers where they constantly update their Crackbook status while obsessively texting every one of their vacuously empty thoughts to their "social networks" as if they were a crew of vagina laden Platos who actually have interesting things to say instead of dim bulbs spewing boring & mundane & repetitive twaddle.

But that's the world we live in, isn't it?  One where emotions are Queen & the biggest setback is "feeling bad"  and the biggest sin is "making someone feel bad." Where everyone clings desperately to their "social networks" as if silence & solitude were a disease tag team that needs to be avoided at all costs.

Honestly, if I were this neurotic, weak & needy I'd eat a bullet. 

I really think this neurotic emotional neediness is why Obama is so strong amongst women. He offers them feel good fairy tales that, in the end, provide nothing tangible.

Not that I think Pancho Romney is "the man's candidate." When you're talking tubes of toothpaste they all tend to be soft & squishy.

In other words, I don't think it matters in the end.

That's why I intend on sitting out another election.

It's also why, deep inside, an ever increasing part of me hopes the Mayans were right and, come Dec. 21st, humanity finds itself as the GIANT TURD trapped in THE GREAT FLUSHING.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

On this day, 11 years ago, 2,977 Americans were killed by somebody.

Who that someone was is another question entirely.

Maybe we'll know one day. Hopefully before Dec. 21st when the world becomes a huge crispy cinder.

Personally, I think this will go down in history with some of the other unanswerable questions we've pondered for centuries like

"Why are Americans so fat & stupid?"

"How did a creature like the human, who has all the physical aesthetic appeal of a lumpy trash bag,

manage to push beautiful animals like this to extinction?"

"Does God have His head up His own ass?"

Maybe one day we'll know the truth. Heck, even the fake Lockerbie bomber got the Scots to admit the Americans framed him. Of course, he was a walking dead man when this happened, but hey, better late than never. Right?

So, if this is any indication of how reality works, at midnight on Dec. 20th, I'd look for a flood of mysteries to be cleared up.

On that happy note I leave you with my favorite solution to humanity's troubles:


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Fresh off of his cameo in THE DEPENDABLES 2, Chuck Norris takes a stand for America.

Wow Chuck, a thousand years of darkness?

That's some heavy shit your trophy wife is shoveling.

I'm curious, does the last 200+ years of slavery, genocide, bombing campaigns, manufactured wars,  hedonistic consumerism, racism, sexism & general all around buggery give us a bit of a sentence reduction for time served?
Or will we be hurdling into 1000 more years of darkness?

Not that I'd ever quibble with a guy who looks like he painted his facial hair on with ash from a barbecue.

Look Chuck, I'm a fan.
I really enjoyed watching Bruce Lee kick your ass.

& your recent DEPENDABLES film was a masterpiece of product placement.

This scene of you holding off an entire cadre of dirty foreigners on the mean streets of OUR TOWN, AMERICA, had me cheering.

So, as someone who can put a Depends on another human being in literally seconds, I must commend you & Stallone & your other costars for having the courage to, not only wear Depends while filming, but also to name your entire film after this wonderfully useful product.

You've shown that it's possible to find honor & bravery even while addressing personal potty issues. That took guts.

But seriously Chuck, calling on Evangelical Christians to support Pancho Romney seems...oh, I don't know...a bit batshit crazy.

How does the average Evangelical Christian square him/herself with Mormonism?

Your 1000 YEARS OF DARKNESS protector literally believes that GOD is an EXTRATERRESTRIAL from the planet KOLOB.

& that, upon death, the pious Mormon will be granted his own GODHOOD status & bestowed his own EARTH-LIKE PLANET to exercise his own GARDEN OF EDEN erector set building skills.

Also, the last I checked, Evangelical Christians had a pretty pronounced distaste for witchcraft.

How does one meld this distaste for all things Bewitchy with Joe Smith's affinity for ritual magic & scrying?

Joseph's job was to 'search' for the treasures by using a technique similar to water dowsing, except that he used a 'peepstone' instead of a forked stick. By placing the 'peepstone' in his hat and gazing at it like a fortune teller would gaze into a crystal ball, he would 'locate' the treasure and direct the diggers where to dig.

Look, I'm all for alternate religions. My disbelief makes them all pretty much equal on the
"GEE, THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE MADE THAT UP" scale, so I have no real preference.

Still, that all floats perilously close to SCIENTOLOGY-XENU-BODY THETAN territory.

Which leads me to my last question.

If you're willing to place your ash like beard & rapidly aging trophy wife squarely behind any batshit crazy religious belief just as long is it gets your party an election day victory, why didn't your party pull out all all the stops and draft this guy as your VP?

Friday, August 31, 2012

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Cool! There was another "school shooting" in Texas yesterday.

At least that's what the media & all the bottom feeder bloggers & snake oil salesmen would like their readers to believe. Yahoo is even calling him the Texas A& M Shooter.

I know, I know, a well armed man in Texas is definitely an "anomaly."

It's also uber Fortean that an evicted man could turn violent. I'm sure that, in the history of repossessions & evictions, none of the evicted or repossessed ever ever ever turned violent.

It's definitely the media's fault.

& Batman's too...

Chris Knowles at the Secret Sun calls the Batman trilogy "The Batman Working" after Crowley's Amalantrah Working, a Crowleyan magic ritual that's much loved by the Internet influenced paranoiacs amongst us. It's effects were massive or dubiously negligible, depending on who you believe. Chris likes to ominously intone how the trilogy's director, Chris Nolan, is "playing with forces he doesn't understand" by churning out this turgid overpriced BatCrap.

Personally, as someone who has had the misfortune of sitting through all 3 Batman films(sorry, I have children and I'm a weak willed asshole when it comes to their requests), I prefer to refer to them as the "Sore Ass Workings."

This has become my own personal film rating guide. If I'm totally engaged by a film I never notice the fact that my ass is hurting, but if a film has all the nutritional content of a Ho-Ho,  at some point, usually about midway, I think to myself, "Jehezeeus Christ, my ass hurts."

All 3 Batman films had this effect.

While they were unintentionally funny at times, they were generally comprised of what typically passes for entertainment here in adolescent America...explosions, gunfire, snarky one liners passed off as philosophy, more explosions, more gunfire, the credits.

To be honest, my first exposure to the latest helping of BatCrap was as a preview shown before the start of another film. They ran Batman alongside the latest Bourne flick & the Phil Dick Total Recall retread and I thought I was watching one long trailer for the same movie.

Watching a superhero film, or any high budget Hollywood brain fart for that matter, has all the riveting, attention grabbing emotional & intellectual appeal of watching plumber's putty air dry.

I suppose that it's all an offshoot of the rise of GEEK CULTURE.  Here, the wimps & effeminate nerd boys, genetically unable to make the leap into the role of adult male, cling to their childhood obsessions & power fantasies like a drowning man clings to a life preserver in a big scary ocean. They homoerotically attach themselves to the muscular hero, imagining themselves in his HERO shoes while simultaneously fantasing about having his HERO cock in their worshipful mouths.

Of course, none of these folk would ever admit that they're big adolescents with repressed gay issues. Egos as massive as I've seen displayed in INTERNET GEEK CULTURE could never stand that much honest self examination. Instead, they have to justify their unhealthy inability to evolve beyond childhood by over inflating the importance of their comic crap.

Lest I forget,  one couldn't possibly leave out the fact that the majority of Americans don't actually work for a living any more. At the turn of the 20th century, America was primarily agrarian, with 91% of the population finding employment on farms. While here in the 21st century, Americans primarily find employment in offices.

I would imagine that many of these office dwellers have copious amounts of time to get their Internet geek on. &, as the saying goes, idle hands are the devil's playthings.

I suppose that having an army of passive aggressive adolescents as your population base is much better for business. They'll lap up all the little techno toys you toss at them, they'll slavishly flock to all of your entertainment-less entertainment offerings, & when the going gets tough it's practically guaranteed that they'll whine & complain & invent & postulate & google & blog & forum about it all but they will never ever ever stand up & actually risk anything in order to attain change.

Emasculating the male population seems like it would be a primary step to take if one seeks to subjugate a society. You can say many things, good & bad, about old school radicals, but you could never accuse them of cowardice. They had a massive "carry in wheelbarrow" set of balls. They understood that lifting their heads up could very well get them lopped off. These days radicals are pseudo Ghandi wanna-bes who march in circles chanting nifty media friendly slogans. Passively waiting for their collective pouting to magically alter reality. 

It's a beautiful system.

A system that will only be cured by a good collective flushing.

Which brings me back to our much anticipated ending...

C'mon Dec. 21st.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.” Psalm 137:9
Ronald William Brown, 57, of Largo, Florida was arrested July 20, 2012 for possession of child pornography and conspiring to kidnap a child who he and his co-conspirator, Michael Arnett of Kansas, wanted to cannibalize.

The two conspirators had a particular child in mind. Brown worked for years at Gulf Coast Church in Largo, Florida. He worked for them as a ventriloquist and a puppeteer in their Puppet Ministry for Kidz Zone. A child who was a member of Gulf Coast Church and who took part in youth ministry programs was their target. Officials have not released the child's name but his parents have been notified.

Brown's business is Puppets Plus. On his site is listed a list of Brown's clients which includes: Home Depot, Kash N' Karry, Florida Power, Sunken Gardens, Evatone, Belleair Country Club, Innisbrook Resort, Cypress Run Golf Club, Seminole Lake Country Club, River Hills Country Club, McDonalds, Dillard's, Pinellas Parkside Mall, The Salvador Dali Museum, First Night in St. Petersburg, Tampa's Santa Fest, Numerous Schools, Churches, Recreation Centers, Civic Clubs, and Private Parties. This list shows how careful parents must be to properly protect their innocent and trusting children.
On July 26th law enforcement searched Brown's home and tool shed and confirmed that they had discovered more evidence against Brown.

Brown and Arnett chatted about murdering children as young as two. In one chat Arnett described to Brown what it is like to drown a little girl and what different body parts taste like if roasted or fried in a pan.

Brown revealed to Arnett in another chat regarding the little boy at Gulf Coast Church that he would enjoy strangling the child to death.
Homeland Security agents who searched Brown’s home and tool shed yesterday discovered images of bound and gagged kids, photographs of dead children and a flier for a missing child.
The Christian Television Network, the oldest Christian broadcasting company in Florida, featured Brown as a regular in its television show for children, Joy Junction. In the program Brown used a ventriloquist dummy named Marty.
Here, the "Plus" in "Puppets Plus" refers to cannibalism.
 As in "Hey, you get puppets, plus I get to eat your tender little asses."

Gulf Coast Church, the church that brown was affiliated with had this on their website:

Healthy, long-term relationships make life work well. Being part of a network of good friends provides us with strength, confidence, and joy. Nothing else gives us such incredible, life-altering experiences as being deeply and positively connected with other people.

One of the easiest ways to find those people is in a Life Group--a small group of people who share something in common along with a desire to learn and grow in their relationship to Jesus Christ.  Through a shared interest, a hobby, a strength, a common purpose, or stage of life, Life Groups are formed to provide a place where YOU can belong, and grow with a group of friends.
How true. Is there anything better than a neat, tidy life where everything "works well." I'm also particularly enamored of this whole "networking" phenomena. In the future, when I've curbed my anti-social tendencies & neatened up my own life, I hope to seek membership in one of these fascinating social clubs.

Having said that, I think it's obvious that Brown found someone, Michael Arnett, who he shared something "in common" with, the love of toddler long pig. I suppose you could say that Brown was taking the church's "Life Group" philosophy to "the next level" by making it a "Death Group."

Also, every Sunday at 11:00 A.M., Brown put on a "Puppets Of Praise" show for the long pig Sliders in his charge. Given your average Christian's tendency to give praise & thanks before each meal, I don't think it's much of a stretch to view Brown's show as a bit of symbolic "Grace" being said before a table full of potential victuals.

On Brown's website, PUPPETS PLUS, Brown provides birthday party entertainment for children of all ages. The 2-5 year old, or veal cutlet, page offers this:

Our birthday party show will bring grins and giggles. We also can provide Cotton Candy and Sno-Cones.
Is this guy thoughtful or what? Not only will he eat your kid, he offers a pre-slaughter "Fatten Up The Little Piggies" plan. If nothing else, the man is very very neat & orderly. Well, once you overlook all those semen filled tissues that his copious "kiddie bondage porn" collection produced. Overall though,  I think it's quite apparent that Ron exemplified some core American values here, and he shouldn't be punished for his choice of an "alternative lifestyle."

Always remember that

A Dismal Day At Dick Central™

Today, I just conducted my bi-annual visit to my e-mail account. Sadly, I discovered that my Rigorous Intuition Forum membership has been re-activated.

Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at having failed to achieve a total shunning. I had even gone as far as purchasing a pointed dunce cap & a special multicolored "EYE OF HORUS" patch that I could wear on my clothes to designate my abhorrent otherness, much like the Star Of David that shunned Jews had to wear in Nazi Germany.

Alas, it appears to be more wasted effort. This latest "shunning" failure has plunged me into a maw of deep depression. An abyss-like chasm that I may never escape.

One can only hope that this will serve as a cautionary tale for those callous Forum moderators who, willy-nilly & without apparent regard for consequences, reabsorb those previously cast out.

You must excuse me now. The worm at the bottom of a Mezcal bottle is offering comfort & succor, a balm that I, in my current state of onyx-like ennui, would be a fool to ignore.