Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Fresh off of his cameo in THE DEPENDABLES 2, Chuck Norris takes a stand for America.

Wow Chuck, a thousand years of darkness?

That's some heavy shit your trophy wife is shoveling.

I'm curious, does the last 200+ years of slavery, genocide, bombing campaigns, manufactured wars,  hedonistic consumerism, racism, sexism & general all around buggery give us a bit of a sentence reduction for time served?
Or will we be hurdling into 1000 more years of darkness?

Not that I'd ever quibble with a guy who looks like he painted his facial hair on with ash from a barbecue.

Look Chuck, I'm a fan.
I really enjoyed watching Bruce Lee kick your ass.

& your recent DEPENDABLES film was a masterpiece of product placement.

This scene of you holding off an entire cadre of dirty foreigners on the mean streets of OUR TOWN, AMERICA, had me cheering.

So, as someone who can put a Depends on another human being in literally seconds, I must commend you & Stallone & your other costars for having the courage to, not only wear Depends while filming, but also to name your entire film after this wonderfully useful product.

You've shown that it's possible to find honor & bravery even while addressing personal potty issues. That took guts.

But seriously Chuck, calling on Evangelical Christians to support Pancho Romney seems...oh, I don't know...a bit batshit crazy.

How does the average Evangelical Christian square him/herself with Mormonism?

Your 1000 YEARS OF DARKNESS protector literally believes that GOD is an EXTRATERRESTRIAL from the planet KOLOB.

& that, upon death, the pious Mormon will be granted his own GODHOOD status & bestowed his own EARTH-LIKE PLANET to exercise his own GARDEN OF EDEN erector set building skills.

Also, the last I checked, Evangelical Christians had a pretty pronounced distaste for witchcraft.

How does one meld this distaste for all things Bewitchy with Joe Smith's affinity for ritual magic & scrying?

Joseph's job was to 'search' for the treasures by using a technique similar to water dowsing, except that he used a 'peepstone' instead of a forked stick. By placing the 'peepstone' in his hat and gazing at it like a fortune teller would gaze into a crystal ball, he would 'locate' the treasure and direct the diggers where to dig.

Look, I'm all for alternate religions. My disbelief makes them all pretty much equal on the
"GEE, THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE MADE THAT UP" scale, so I have no real preference.

Still, that all floats perilously close to SCIENTOLOGY-XENU-BODY THETAN territory.

Which leads me to my last question.

If you're willing to place your ash like beard & rapidly aging trophy wife squarely behind any batshit crazy religious belief just as long is it gets your party an election day victory, why didn't your party pull out all all the stops and draft this guy as your VP?


Belliosto's Garbage said...

Clint Eastwood and the snickering Norris family. What a joke. The great Ronald Reagan.

"This freedom is not passed through the bloodstream. It must be fought for..."

It's not about genetics. Evangelical Christians may believe that it is. It may be more about the great Eastwood and Norris DNA makeup.

In the congregation of Christ First Evangelical Church of New Haven we have the Hollywood actor Chuck Norris and his wife with us today. King Chuck Norris III has asked us to vote Republican. We feel strongly that His Majesty's directive should be followed and our involvement with the presidential election in November will guarantee our freedoms. Romney's DNA makeup will assure this for our land. We must fight against other voters on November 7th at the voting districts to preserve our constitutional rights.

Upon hearing His Majesty's declaration of freedom, we shall take up arms and shoot to kill any persons Democratic on our bloody day of independence this Fall. We will gut, maim, pillage, and burn all things Democratic. We will bludgeon, shoot, and destroy all things in the way of our freedoms. We must fight the good fight. It is NOT about genetics. Our righteous and honorable King has opened our dim and weak eyes to the truth. Our former good ruler Ronald Reagan, who had supported the Afghani Freedom Fighters in the 1980's, has been betrayed by them in the 2000's. We must annihilate the Taliban and all their socialist allies. Washington, Jefferson, and Reagan would want this. Come this November 7th we shall overcome.

Thank you King Chuck Norris III for showing us the way. Our American royalty and rulers will assure our country the liberties we, as a people, have inherited from our most-loved ancestors.

We shall overcome.
We shall overcome.
We shall overcome.

just_another_dick said...

Mr. B., I was going to have a good laugh at Clint's expense also, but his RNC convention speech was like watching your Alzheimer laden dad give the commencement speech at his 50 year high school reunion.

On the other hand, tough guy Chuck has had way too much cosmetic surgery & uses way too much hair dye to evoke any sympathy whatsoever.

I'm still trying to digest the Obama=Socialism meme. If the government is giving out free money to anyone other than the wealthy I'm obviously in the wrong line.

Belliosto's Garbage said...

Cleansed in flame purified through ash
These burning rites of the vengeful
The head of three faces severed in confession
Ritual abuse to swarm the insects of famine

Dick, I am googling through cyberspace to hunt for Evangelical Christian videos. I found a doosy with this one. Definitely Evangelical Christian in my opinion. Enjoy.

GoatWhore - Apocalyptic Havoc


I'm sure deep down inside Mitt Romney and Tom Cruise this video rings true. Who needs God when there is Satan. Amen brother Norris. Amen.

Belliosto's Garbage said...

I humbly predict that Romney will lose his presidential bid. Here's another song dedicated to my prophesy.

Iron Maiden - Children Of The Damned



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