Friday, December 30, 2011

Meet The New Year, Same As The Old Year

In honor of Wal-Mart's adoption of AC/DC's Back In Black as their TV ad background music, I thought the lyrics needed an update. (BTW, I'm not insinuating that the original lyrics were much to begin with.)

Back in linens
I sure ain't winnin'
I'm much too fat to do any sinnin'
Yes I got a wide caboose
And a credit card noose
That keeps me hangin' like a flypaper fly
The wife forgot her purse now I'm gonna cry
I got 9 kids
Their undies got skids
And they're using all the TP & it's drivin' me wild

'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
(Well) I'm back in Wal-Mart
Yes, I'm back in Wal-Mart

Back in the back
Of a '72 Cadillac
I wanna put a bullet in some rich boy's Lexus ass
Yes, I'm in a fix
& I got ticks
They've given me lyme disease & my balls really itch
Cause I'm back on the track
And I got plumber's crack
Nobody's gonna get me on another shopliftin' rap
So look at me now
I'm just passin' gas
Can't push too hard or I'll be browning my ass

'Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
(Well) I'm back in Wal-Mart
Yes, I'm back in Wal-Mart

Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, Yes I'm back
Well, I'm back, back
Well I'm back in Wal-Mart
Yes I'm back in Wal-Mart

Hooo yeah
Ohh yeah
Yes I am
Oooh yeah, yeah Oh yeah
Back in now
Well I'm back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back, I'm back
Back in Wal-Mart
Yes I'm back in Wal-Mart

Outta sight

My Computer Is An Overpriced Bullshit Shovel

"Rogue" journalist Gary S. Bekkum has finely cracked the exquisitely crafted 911 nut.

A CIA document, based upon input from four military sources, predicted that a pilot from the Mideast, with a name that sounds like "Jerry, Gerard, or Geraldo," will "fly to Washington D.C. with the mission of crashing into the U.S. Capitol Building."

The CIA document is of interest primarily for two reasons:

There is the prediction of an event:

An "aircraft", will "fly to Washington, D.C. with the mission of crashing into the US Capitol building."

There is possible identification of the pilot:

The pilot, "not in the country as of 12 Dec 83, foreign, perhaps Iranian, speaks English and perhaps French ... Name may be or sound like Jerry, Gerard, or Geraldo."

The art of remote viewing is far from being an exact science. What is presented in the CIA document appears to be an analytical summary and interpretation of raw data provided by the viewers.

Ziad Jarrah (also sometimes spelled Jarrahi), is a name that might be considered to "sound like Jerry, Gerard, or Geraldo." Jarrah, a foreigner from Lebanon, was not Iranian, however at least one passenger on Flight 93 identified the terrorists as "Iranian looking." Jarrah was of Middle Eastern origin and spoke both English and French.

There you have it. A vague psychic image vaguely given 18 years before the 911 boom-boom-apalooza can now be classified as a "prediction."

I'm convinced.

I do take issue with the "name" angle though. I believe the psychic spies were much too accurate as paranormal paratweeters to make such an obvious gaff.

I postulate that the psychic spies were spot on with their name info. The spy in question quite obviously knew that the real mastermind behind the future catastrophe was a trio of terrorists. In other words, a veritable 3 Stooges of destruction.

Of course, these two are obvious choices given their long history of inflicting intellectual terrorism on generations of TV & movie watchers. The true mastermind was much more insidious & devious, going as far as having himself declared legally dead 6 years before the 911 attacks occurred. It was a brilliant gambit well played.

I give you the brains behind the day that changed America's diapers:

Now, to anyone familiar with the accusations that the Grateful Dead was a creation of U.S. intelligence, this won't be the least bit shocking.
Unsurprisingly, Jerry had also spent many years inflicting aural terrorism on masses of hippy wanna-bes too stoned to know that they were listening to one long subversive & horrific audio nightmare.

I know, from personal experience, that anytime I was forced by circumstance to listen to Jerry & his pals noodle on & on & fucking on, the only desire I was left with was the desire to blow shit up. Preferably the audio device that was exposing me to the musical horror that was causing my ears to bleed.

I can't help wondering what other Garcia programmed time bombs are just waiting for ignition.

After all, it's one small step from this:

to this:

Then again, given the amount of gray hair in that first photo, it might even lead to this:

It doesn't really matter though, does it? They're all terrorists. The tea drinkers & the Wall Street walkers are mirror images of the same ungrateful mob mentality that found a nightly home with Jerry & crew.

So take a friendly bit of advice children, be careful out there, the Internet conspiracy river is deep & muddy & there are many hidden currents that will suck you right in & right under.

&, whatever you do, don't ever ever ever eat this shit:

MK Ultra has apparently developed a bitching sweet tooth since the 50s.

BTW, thanks Gary. You're "rogue" journalism is definitely a valued asset much used here at DickCentral.™

Keep shoveling dude.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Mitt Romney Gets The Sought After Wiccan Endorsement

"That's one of the things I like about him...he's been consistent since he changed his mind."
The sad news is that we're doomed. It doesn't matter in the least which phallus eventually inserts itself into the Oval Orifice, we're doomed. It could be a phallus with a nice leftward bend or it could be a phallus swerving to the right. It is all irrelevant. We're doomed.

The good news is that we've always been doomed. We are red white & blue shipmates on a continent sized Titanic that was retooled as an asylum-like Ship of Fools long ago. We babble & cavort and our leaders babble & cavort. All of us blissfully unaware that we've been submersed in our own bullshit since our slave holding Founding Fathers rambled on incoherently about equality while Rastus picked the cotton, served the vittles, & occasionally offered up his hotter daughter for the occasional bout of Venus mound flag planting.

The trick to being a good American seems to revolve around one's adeptness at convincing oneself that the bullshit one is spewing out & drowning in is really the rarest ambrosia. Those true adepts who master this process of turning poop filled nappies into nectar quickly ascend out of the herd, attaining leadership roles &, in some instances, eventual enshrinement amongst our national heroes.

Really, you can look anywhere, & you'll see bullshit.

Enshrined bullshit.

Lumps of bullshit held aloft on pedestals of ass gas & toilet paper.

Reagan was one.

Kennedy was another.

The Founding Fathers have managed that rarest of feats by becoming enshrined as a group. Their collective bullshit fussed over & fingered as if it were a field of dazzling gold nuggets.

So don't ever waste time on nostalgia.

That's bullshit too.

Our leaders have always been full of shit.

But so have we.

Together, we're a match made in heaven.

By a lunatic God.

On an eternal bender & sloshed to His God-like gills.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Very Cool

There you have it. A coronal mass ejection has revealed the summer home of our Reptilian Overlords. The Lizard King, when pressed for details of their "cloaking device" had this to say, "I am the Lizard King. I can do anything."

More details as they uncloak.

The Lizard King

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Yahoo! Fair & Balanced Reporting

Yesterday morning I saw this lovely news story on my home page.

Suicide is on the increase in rural America--nowhere so much as in western mountain states like Idaho, Wyoming and New Mexico. Mental health professionals attribute it in part to cutbacks in Medicaid funding, to the recession and to the culture of the rural West.

In Idaho, somebody kills himself every 35 hours, according to a 2009 report to Idaho's governor by the state's Council on Suicide Prevention. Their report calls suicide "a major public health issue" having a "devastating effect" on Idaho's families, churches, businesses and even schools: 65 students aged 10 and 18 killed themselves in a recent five-year period.

Recently, a county sheriff in Bonneville told the Idaho Falls Post Register that his department was getting more suicide calls than in 2010—a year in which 290 Idahoans took their own lives. "We're in a spike right now," he says.

Historically the suicide rate in rural states has been higher than in urban ones. According to the most recent national data available, Alaska has the highest rate, at 24.6 suicides per 100,000 people. Next comes Wyoming (23.3), followed by New Mexico (21.1), Montana (21.0) and Nevada (20.2). Idaho ranks 6th, at 16.5. Suicide is the second-leading cause of death for Idahoans aged 15-34. Only accidents rank higher.

Kathie Garrett, co-chairman of the Idaho Council on Suicide Prevention, says the problem has gotten only worse since the recession. "The poor economy and unemployment—those put a lot of stress on people's lives," she explains. To save money, people skip doctor visits and cut back on taking prescribed medications. Cuts in Medicaid have reduced the services available to the mentally ill.

"I personally know people who lost Medicaid who've attempted suicide," says Garrett.

Reductions in funding have led to the closing of mental health offices, she says. Such closings mean more in Idaho than they would, say, in Manhattan, where a therapist can be found on every block. Before the cuts and closings, somebody in Idaho seeking therapy might have had to drive 160 miles to find it.

By late afternoon, this bit of crybaby Socialism was countered with this bit of trivia.

A Seattle woman who is receiving welfare assistance from Washington state also happens to live in a waterfront house on Lake Washington worth more than a million dollars.

Federal agents raided the home this weekend but have not released the woman or her husband's name because they have not officially been charged with a crime.

However, federal documents obtained by KING 5 News show the couple currently receives more than $1,200 a month in public housing vouchers, plus state and government disability checks and food stamps. They have been receiving the benefits since 2003.

The 2,500 square-foot home, which includes gardens and a boat dock, is valued at $1.2 million. And even though the couple has been receiving the benefits for nearly 10 years, records show that they accurately listed the address of their current home when applying for the state and federal benefits.

A federal official told KING 5 that the couple likely took advantage of a loophole, which allows low-income individuals to receive financial assistance to help them pay their rent and move away from housing projects. However, the law does not require officials to verify what type of home the benefits recipient is living in.

As if the million dollar home weren't enough, the supposedly low-income couple also gave money to various charities and traveled around the world to locales in Turkey, Tel Aviv and resort towns in Mexico, according to court records.

I'm a bit conflicted by all of this. On the one hand, I can't help but applaud someone who successfully scams our dipshit system in a such a big way. We deserve to be scammed.
On the other hand, I'm well aware that folk like this are used as poster children to justify the dismantling of any remaining social safety net.

It's as if they're saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know these social programs are necessary for thousands of people, but we're occasionally scammed. That's not tolerable. We want perfection."

So they toss the baby out with the bath water & feel perfectly justified in doing it.
After all, one shiftless scofflaw is worth thousands of needy people, right?

It's too bad society doesn't apply the same NEW MATH to other areas of society.
Like Banking fer instance...
Or Corporate Theology...
Or Capitalism...

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Personal Shit That I'm Making Public Because I Have A Narcissistic Need To Publicly Air My Dirty Laundry Much Like The Internut Wankers I Belittle

On Nov. 26, 2008, then Bank of America Corp. Chief Executive Officer Kenneth D. Lewis wrote to shareholders that he headed “one of the strongest and most stable major banks in the world.” He didn’t say that his Charlotte, North Carolina-based firm owed the central bank $86 billion that day.

(One has to love the versatility of Keifer Sutherland. First he fought Middle Eastern terrorism in "24," then he shilled for economic terrorism in "2011.")

Bank Of America is my own personal obsession. It is almost 2 years since B of A commenced foreclosure proceedings on my mother's house. They were seeking to recoup $60 thousand plus in loans by taking a house worth about $20,000. Add to that the $77,000 + it costs for the average foreclosure, & we're talking about a ball park figure of a little over $140,000.

Let's try a little math.

$20,000 ≠ $140,000

Nor will $20,000 ever equal $140,000.

Maybe that's the real secret of banking. Maybe banker's have access to some arcane mathematical formula that allows one to make $20,000 magically equal $140,000.

Or, better yet, maybe they're really alchemists who have discovered the fabled philosopher's stone, possession of which allows the owner to translate shit into silver sheckels.

Maybe it isn't really a stone at all. Maybe it's a Golem-like homunculus, assembled by mixing sputum with sphagnum moss & semen & plain old mud, then animated with a small piece of paper inscribed with the secret name of Alan Greenspan shoved deeply into it's mouth. This magical being could then provide access to the land where 2 + 2 = -4,683,000, up is sideways & black is really lavender with attitude.

Whatever the truth, banking has now replaced televangelism as #1 on my "Career paths I wish I would have taken" list.

2 Golem-like Homunculi Caught Devouring The Souls Of The Unborn

Thursday, December 1, 2011

$7.7 Trillion Buys A Lot Of Middle Fingers

Read it and weep.

The amount of money the central bank parceled out was surprising even to Gary H. Stern, president of the Federal Reserve Bank of Minneapolis from 1985 to 2009, who says he “wasn’t aware of the magnitude.” It dwarfed the Treasury Department’s better-known $700 billion Troubled Asset Relief Program, or TARP. Add up guarantees and lending limits, and the Fed had committed $7.77 trillion as of March 2009 to rescuing the financial system, more than half the value of everything produced in the U.S. that year.

“TARP at least had some strings attached,” says Brad Miller, a North Carolina Democrat on the House Financial Services Committee, referring to the program’s executive-pay ceiling. “With the Fed programs, there was nothing.”