Sunday, July 31, 2011

Obama Demonstrates The Proper Form For Booty Smooching One's Betters

Republican and Democratic leaders have agreed on a plan to raise Miss America's skirts & give her the fucking she's been begging for, President Obama announced Sunday night.

The announcement arrives after months of intense closed-door groveling as each party vies for the much coveted "Rich Man's Bitch" spot in the U.S. Penitentiary, and just two days before the deadline set by the Treasury Department. (These "cliffhanger" endings have become mandatory in a society dominated by the pop culture goulash of cop shows, doctor dramas & big budget fiascoes like Transformers.)

According to the details available, the agreement would allow the growth known as "government" to continue, over the next decade, shoveling our last few pennies into the coffers of the ruling class while allowing enough borrowing to put off another vote to raise the ceiling to 2013, ensuring that the 2012 presidential winner will have ample time to force his fist further up our collective asses. About $1 trillion will be cut immediately, and the details of the remaining spending reductions will be obfuscated by a bipartisan committee of 12 corrupt ho-bags from both chambers, who will recommend that Americans "just bend over & take it like a serf." To appease the GOP's conservative wing, Obama will spend a portion of his remaining term appearing only in white face, while his speeches will strictly adhere to their carefully constructed "Yessa Massa" template.

"I want to announce that the leaders of both parties, in both chambers, have fellated their way to an agreement that will reduce the deficit and avoid default--by increasing the deficit while pushing off default until a more politically expedient time," Obama said. "Now, is this the deal I would have preferred? No. . . . But this con-promise does demonstrate to our owners that we like it on our knees, puckering & smooching, and each party is equally committed to oral insemination by our betters."

House Speaker John Boner held a conference call Sunday evening with House Republicans in which he urged them to support the package, declaring that the deal in place not only "meets our principles of smaller government, but also allows us ample leeway to screw the little guy right in his or her flaccid & flabby keister."

"There is a framework that we can strap Miss America to that would completely restrict Her movements while enabling us to just cut off her skirts entirely. This contraption would allow a larger number of over zealous wealthy frat boys to squirt their illicit seed into Miss America's nether regions, while further impoverishing Her children," he said, according to a transcript provided by Boner's office. Boner reiterated by saying, "Now listen, go fuck yourselves."

With the approval of leaders of the House and Senate, and Tuesday's deadline looming, Congress must act quickly to distribute the required amounts of K-Y lube to their soon to be corn-holed constituency. The deal will require that passive Americans remain passive as they're herded towards the bread line.

Senate Minority Leader Bitch McCummell and Majority Leader Hairy "The Crotch" Reid will both unzip their flies & present their cocks to us Monday at 11 a.m. with beer & underage hookers expected afterward.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The BAM! BOOM! KAPOW! Seminar Or How A Blonde Haired Blue Eyed "Muslim" Lost His Faith & Became A Media Darling

Kill 92 & you're a fiend.
Kill 92,000 & you're the president.
Kill 'em all & you're God.

Yahoo & AP & FOX & CNN secretly love mass slaughter.
So many empty hours of programming time instantly filled.
So many talking heads with so many opportunities to talk.
To tsk tsk & "sympathize" & emote emotions they've stopped feeling ages ago.

They love mass slaughter.

As do we
they're loyal
& utterly empty viewing audience.

"Don't look at me like
I am a monster.
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junky
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother
Holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky
Crying 'Why oh why.'
Cause I need to watch things die
From a distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies
You all need it too
Don't Lie"

Friday, July 22, 2011

A Quick Interlude Before The Curtain Crumbles

Alrighty, we're about 1/2 way till world's end (sadly, I've only been able sell the post with the cheerleader photos, so my lunch wagon idea has been sputtering) & I've been noticing a veritable plethora of signs & omens that will, with careful consideration, reveal the innermost machinations of the BIG GUY, ol' YAHWEH. (Can I get a big Hooray for Yahweh?)

This morning, my dog was squatting in the yard and straining & grunting over a bowel that just refused to move.

After much effort, the poor guy managed to pinch this sucker out:

Now, if that isn't omen enough, the little turd stood up & did this:

while loudly shrieking "I'm gonna fist fuck all you mealy mouthed wanker sons of bitches right in your puckered little brown eyes & you gonna like it," before it scampered off to the right & disappeared into foliage.

Quite frankly, I think this bodes ill for the un-Raptured amongst us.

Prey children.