Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Ballad Of Jesus' Butt or The End Times Sonata

Some stores close but New Yorkers continue to shop

NEW YORK (AP) -- Many stores in New York were closed on Saturday as Armageddon neared, with some posting comical signs like "Blame the Godless. Not us" and "Evidently `The Show Must Go On!' means nothing to Jesus." But New York's shopping districts still were bustling as people piled into any store that was open.

Merci Market in Chelsea had long lines as people bought deli sandwiches and fancier fare to hold them over through the the pre-Tribulation Rapture. Some, apparently afraid that their favorite butcher would be Raptured up leaving them without their favorite corned beef or pastrami, purchased more than normal. People filed into The Container Store in Midtown to grab plastic boxes so they can use their pre-Tribulation time constructively to organize. And parents crowded into Toys `R' Us in Times Square to snag toys and games so their children won't get bored as they await the return of Jesus.

"It's business as usual," a store official at Harry Winston, the exclusive jewelry retailer, said shortly after the store opened. He went on to say, "Hey, we're Americans. Without continual mindless consumption we're nothing. So we shop. Big fucking deal."

Armageddon, which could hit New York on Sunday morning, comes in the thick of the critical back-to-school shopping season, a time between mid-July and September that is typically the second biggest shopping period of the year. For some big retailers, Jesus couldn't have a picked a more inopportune time to return. Manhattan is particularly important because it can account for as much as 10 percent of their annual revenue. The Rapturing of large numbers of customers could also have a huge impact on retailers' top and bottom lines: Nationally, End Times research firm ETanalytics estimates that the world's end will stop 80 million shoppers from hitting the malls this weekend.

"This is a worst-case scenario," said C. Britt Beemer, chairman of America's Research Group. "This was supposed to be a prime weekend for apparel retailers, instead that fucker Jesus decides to return. What an asshole. God's Son obviously has no respect for our corporate bottom line or our stock prices."

On Saturday, some big chains like Macy's and J.C. Penney conceded defeat and made feeble attempts at repentance. Meanwhile, some mom-and-pop shops and specialty retailers tried to salvage sales before the veritable Rain Of Fire obliterated all of their inventory. Regardless of what they did on Saturday, though, most stores planned to stay closed on Sunday.

Angel Estrada, who works at the Harlem wine shop Lot No. 125, said on Saturday that he planned to keep the store open until midnight as usual. The store did more than double its usual business on Friday as humanity attempts to drown its sinful bullshit in an ocean of booze, and Estrada echoed other small-business workers when he said he didn't want to lose out on the guilt & terror inspired alcohol sales that will come Saturday night. By 10 a.m., about a half dozen customers had filtered through the shop, including Latonya Robertson, who picked up four bottles of wine for $20 because the price was right.

"This is nothing for me," said Estrada, who is from the Christian-prone Dominican Republic. "And yesterday was a really nice day for the store. Hopefully the Final Battle between Good & Evil will occur on an equally beautiful day."

On Fifth Avenue and other midtown shopping areas, major department stores like Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Saks Fifth Avenue and J.C. Penney had closed their doors. Some boarded up their windows, while others like furniture store Ethan Allen used masking tape to keep them from shattering. Even so, the district still hummed with tourists and locals.

At the midtown location of The Container Store, which planned to close at 2 p.m. on Saturday, shoppers were buying picture albums and shoe organizers. One woman was consulting with a salesperson about organizing her closet, saying, "God, it would suck if God saw my closet now. Shoes are everywhere. Not to mention my fag son who is ensconced firmly in the back behind the furs & my husband's old polyester leisure suits."

Another shopper left with $54 worth of photo albums, planning to document & preserve each phase of the Lord's return for eventual uploading to her blog, 'Pink Kitties & Polka Dots.' Diana Goldberg left with a laundry basket.

"It was top of my list," Goldberg said. "I'd hate to see the Anti-Christ arise & have Him find me piling clothes into my ratty old laundry basket. That would just be embarrassing."

Times Square was bustling with tourists as if it were a usual Saturday instead of the last Saturday, though many of the stores were closed. The ones that were open, including the Gap and Toys "R" Us, were packed. On one block of Times Square, the only store open was called Cute Souvenirs (hash)2 and it was filled with tourists snapping up postcards and t-shirts -- but not the "I LOVE NEW YORK" Bibles at the front.

Friends Esther Henze, Katherine Cosma and Linda Gagne, having cut short their typical Saturday morning menage a trois, wandered down the block and lamented how their Fifth Avenue shopping day had been deterred by the Lord's return.

They figured they could pamper their skin if they couldn't go shopping, since, said Ms. Cosma, "Demons & & the unGodly are known for their bad skin," so they went to Duane Reade to buy face masks for the storm. Those were sold out. They said they had already bought wine, but laughed when another customer told them to stock up on high grade sun tan lotion & flame retardant outer wear since "ignorant bitches like them were sure to burn till they were crispy."

"We still need to go grocery shopping," Henze said. "But I don't think you're going starve in Manhattan. Heck, if worse comes to worse, we'll eat our fat husbands."

At Fantastic Kids Toys in the Upper East Side, Steve Reis, the store's owner, said by late morning that he'd had a steady stream of customers since opening at the usual 7:30 a.m. He planned to stay open until the River Of Blood made it impossible.

Joju Thomas, 36, left the store with $100 worth of toys, including stickers and games, for his 16-month-old daughter Grace. "She's an outdoor baby," he said. "I wanted to keep her occupied since I don't want to have to sit with the whiny little shit while she whimpers incessantly. Instead, I'll be shooting heroin & playing Halo & masturbating. I see no reason why a little Armageddon should come between me & my selfish need for instant gratification."

Pat Robertson, speaking from a secluded bunker deep in the heart of Yahweh's butt cheek had these prophetic words for all:

Thursday, August 11, 2011

"Our 2 Party System Is Like A Bowl Of Shit Staring At Itself In A Mirror"

AMES, Iowa (AP) — Minnesota rivals Tim Pawlenty and Michele Bachmann sparred bitterly Thursday night during an eight-candidate Republican debate, trying to demonstrate that they're the one true batshit crazy right wing wanker who can realize the batshit crazy dreams of right wing wanker America. Each seeks to become the main challenger to Republican front-runner Mitt Romney.

The rivalry grew complicated when it was revealed to Ms. Bachmann that Tim Pawlenty was the anonymous oral recipient standing on the other side of that Tijuana gloryhole* Ms. Bachmann crouched in front of one drug & booze fueled night back in '01.

Ms. Bachmann, depressed at the dissolution of the Twin Towers, blazed a trail best described as an illicit cornucopia across 14 states & the northern half of Mexico soon after the 911 tragedy.

She has since distanced herself from this period, placing the blame squarely on Twinkie withdrawal coupled with extreme pre- & post-menstrual syndrome.

Their efforts were newly complicated by Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who stole some of the spotlight from afar by making it known hours before the debate that he was forcing a 14 year old runaway to blow a donkey, using it as the "spiritual firecracker" that will "ignite" his run for the presidency.

Romney, a multimillionaire businessman who wears magic underwear, made his own stir earlier in the day when, at the Iowa State Fair, he declared that "anyone voting for me will receive a planet to rule," drawing ridicule from the last 12 sane people left in America.

Those were just the latest twists in the most consequential week yet in the 2012 Republican presidential nomination fight.

In the two-hour debate, the squabbling by Pawlenty and Bachmann, at one point degenerating into nipple clamps & studded paddles, allowed Romney, the GOP front-runner making his second presidential bid, to download 14 hours of internet pornography. Romney made much of his "research," later vowing to "declare war on stray erections" should he succeed in his bid at the Oval Orifice.

Though every debate participant assailed President Barack Obama, calling him "Rastus" & "house nigger," it was clear from the confrontations between Pawlenty, a former Minnesota governor, and Bachmann, now a member of Congress, exactly who wanted to "tea-bag" whom.

On stage just a few minutes, Pawlenty, who is struggling to gain control of his chronic flatulence despite spending years gobbling gallons of Activia, accused Bachmann of placing microphones outside of every bathroom within a 10 mile radius around his home. Pawlenty went on to accuse Bachmann of uploading captured examples of Pawlenty's "fart-a-thons" onto YouTube under titles such as "He'd stink as president too" & "Pawlenty: All Air No Substance."

"She's got a record of bad bathroom behavior a mile long," Pawlenty said, alluding once again to their Tijuana gloryhole fiasco.

Bachmann, who has risen in polls since declaring that she'd "do Jesus" has eclipsed Pawlenty, quickly responded with a list of what she called Pawlenty's "black book of teenage love slaves," acquired while he was Minnesota's governor. Included in this impromptu harangue Bachmann cited Pawlenty's support for "legislation designed to curb nocturnal emissions in chimpanzees."

"You said the era of masturbating monkeys is over," she told Pawlenty. "Yet Barack Obama is still President."

Much of the rest of the debate was heavily focused on the Democratic incumbent, with Romney and his seven rivals each seeking to prove he or she has a bigger penis than the President. Ms. Bachmann drew a standing ovation when she uncovered a fetching 16" studded beauty made entirely from neon pink plastic that she kept tastefully hidden beneath her dress.

"I'm not going to eat Barack Obama's dog shit," Romney said when asked whether he would do anything to get near the presidential brown eye. "What he served up is not what I would eat to become president of these United States."

Notably absent from the eight-candidate spectacle were Perry, who was in Texas hunting illegal Mexicans from a stealth helicopter, and former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, who spent the day with hog insemination experts at the Iowa State Fair.

The nation's teetering economic situation shadowed the debate, with the average American squealing at the fiscal fist fucking he/she has been receiving from Wall Street, giving Republicans ample opportunities to giggle freely at our inability to swallow the "Shock" part of "Shock & Awe. The Democratic president will get his chance at a "money shot" next week during a Midwestern bus tour that will allow him to blather on meaninglessly about shit that doesn't matter while Rome burns.

On Thursday, he, too, tried to lure Ms. Bachmann to a specially constructed gloryhole he had buit in Lincoln's bedroom. "There is nothing wrong with our country that a hummer from Ms. Bachmann couldn't cure," he declared in Michigan, where he was touring a technologically advanced rectal vibrator factory.

In Iowa Thursday night, the Republicans commanded all to genuflect and kiss Ronald Reagan's carefully preserved corpse-like booty.

Six candidates — Pawlenty, Bachmann, former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich of Georgia, Texas Rep. Ron Paul, and businessman Herman Cain — sought to Google various sexual permutations of former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum"s last name. At one point Pawlenty pulled out an unopened tube of AstroGlide & offered to create a "Real D example of a Santorum" with Mitt Romney, who appeared equally intrigued & offended by the suggestion.

Pawlenty, who hesitated in a June debate to "seize the gay day" with the former Massachusetts governor, took this opportunity to poke Romney in his porthole while photos of Obama's face, superimposed over lynching victims, were flashed across the debate facility's Jumbotron video screen.

"Where's Barack Obama & his liberal negro agenda taking us? You can't find any public mention of the white women he's violated in this country," Pawlenty said, promising audience members and TV viewers he would "come to your house and suck up all their left over Santorum" if they could find Obama's legion of half caste children. "Or if you prefer I'll come to your house and blow your pet ... In case Mitt wins, I'd limit it to one poodle."

Romney, who has several homes with a rotating stable of underage prostitutes of both sexes and was looking to protect his leads in national and state polls, smiled and took a pass when given a chance to respond, saying: "That's just fine."

He kept his focus on Obama, saying: "Our president simply doesn't understand how deeply white conservative America hates & fears niggers." He also criticized Democrat Obama on the downgrade of the nation's credit rating, saying that "that bastard wants us all hooked on food stamps & crack cocaine just like his bros."

Appearing in his first presidential debate, Huntsman acknowledged that he didn't have a clue, but he cited the fact that "Ronald Reagan spent 8 clueless years as president & Americans love him." He defended his service as ambassador to China under Obama as a patriotic act undertaken for love of country and what he described as "easy access to all that underage slant poon" that the office would provide.

Huntsman, who is not competing in the Iowa caucuses where social conservatives dominate, also tried to differentiate himself from the rest of the field. He defended his support for civil unions and offered no apologies for the 12 boxes of gay porn discovered hidden in his sock drawer.

Gingrich, pressed on the implosion of his campaign amid financial strife and infighting earlier this summer, chastised the Fox News panel for "not stroking my dick like they stroke boss man Rupert's dick." He said Republicans including Ronald Reagan and John McCain had bouts of dementia during their campaigns, and he said he intended, in his words, to "run on at mouth at every opportunity."

Roughly 45 minutes into the debate, Santorum raised his hand and said: "I have to go to the bathroom."

Showing the wide diversity of opinion, Paul gave a staunchly libertarian answer to nearly every question from the economy to foreign affairs, essentially saying the United States should have friendly relations even with countries that violate children with kitchen utensils and not interfere in their internal affairs. "It's about time we talk to Cuba," Paul said at one point, forcefully stressing that he's tired of smoking "those shitty American cigars."He also said the United States had created "the big poopy mess otherwise known as pop culture."

Even before the debate began, it was a campaign day to remember.

At an appearance early in the day, Romney was badgered by hecklers at the state fair. Amid shouts of "You sure got a pretty mouth boy" Romney ineffectually muttered that "corporations are people," a comment Democrats, mouths similarly full of corporate peckerwood, predicted would be a defining moment of his campaign.

Romney, who has struggled with an aloof and elitist image along with a devastating case of the heartbreak of psoriasis as he tries for the GOP presidential nomination a second time, made the remark while cowering inside a Port-A-Potty.

Despite tea party outrage that sometimes focuses on banks and auto companies & sometimes focuses on anyone who isn't white, Romney has said to applause from GOP audiences that "we need to bend over for big business." But in Thursday's audience, dominated by unemployed meth-heads & heartland trailer trash, the line encountered resistance.

A few hours after Romney's awkward moment fondling a farm animal that he had mistakenly assumed was one of Rick Santorum's children, Perry spokesman Mark Miner confirmed that the Texas governor would announce that he was running for president on a strictly "anti-Bestiality platform."

Perry's candidacy is certain to upend the race, primarily because all of the other candidates have hidden predilections for farm animals.

The conservative governor is seen as a potential bridge between the party's batshit crazy wing and it's "suck the joy from the world" wing.

Asked about Perry's candidacy during the debate, several of his opponents welcomed him to the race, Ms. Bachmann seemed especially intrigued by rumors that Perry has an enormous bifurcated penis, — and used the opportunity to criticize him. Cain called Perry "a beaner lover," while Paul said he was pleased Perry was joining the field because "he represents the eighth man in our post debate Bachmann gang bang."

* A hole located in a partition in which one's penis is inserted, thus separating the participants and ensuring anonymity throughout the act of copulation or fellatio (or possibly a titty wank).

In higher class establishments, this hole will be fabricated with duck tape to prevent genital chaffing.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Don't Bother Reading This Shit

If the economic forecast has you contemplating suicide, fear not, these pop culture trivialities should bolster your sagging self image.

First up, George Clooney is "rebounding" with a wrestler.
No, it's not Jerry Lawler.
It's some chick.
I don't know her name because I don't give a fuck.
I suppose I could supply a link to her "cryptic tweets," but, once again, I don't give a fuck.

Next, Anne Hathaway evidently had nothing to say about her role as Catwoman. But some "journalist" (snicker snicker gaffaw) wrote an article about it.
I don't have the link because I didn't read the story primarily because I don't give a fuck.

In Dallas, some celebrity showed up at Cowboy training camp to do something with someone.
Details are sketchy because I don't give a fuck about the damn details.

Also some football team did something to one of its players. The player's name was Andy.
Any other details are irrelevant because...c'mon say it with me...I don't give a fuck.

Somebody in Paris filmed a UFO that looks exactly like a shooting star. Damn those shifty reptoid bastards and their "wheee I can mimic a meteor" cloaking devices.

In further sports news, some humongous hunk of meat threw a tantrum because...gee, I don't know why he threw the tantrum because I don't really give a fuck.

On the political front, most Americans seem to be sick of Congress. Of those polled, 27% had trouble spelling "Congress," while a whopping 82 7/33% admitted they were just too fat & lazy to do anything about their dissatisfaction & disillusionment.

Clinton (Hillary or Billary...your guess is as good as mine) said Syria kills people.
Syria needs to take a cue from the U.S. Killing people is so 20th century. It's much better to allow them to wallow in their own dysfunctional & trivial poo, flopping around like porky piglets in a sty.

From the news desk concerned with things that seem to concern women comes the tale about some pudgy guy in shorts who was caught on camera propositioning some pudgy chick in shorts. Damn they grow hookers larger these days...oh shit, my wife just pointed out that the guy was "proposing" not propositioning the pudgy chick.
My bad.

Additional Celebrity Spews has Ben Stiller, proving once & for all that fame & fortune don't necessarily require talent or good looks, pocketing another huge chunk of change for not doing much of anything.

Finally, I learned how to properly flatter a date. (Well, I would have if I would have clicked on the link, but I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Shocking right?)

I also learned about a documentary called "PROGRAMMING THE NATION."
A film that asks the daring question "ARE WE ALL BRAINWASHED?"
A real eye popper I'm sure. Chocked full of oodles of instances where the elite's hidden agenda is daringly uncovered by the intrepid docudramatist.
I've no doubt that many conspiracy advocates have huge raging "Oswald sniper's rifle" hard ons over this one, but I can't help stifling a huge yawn.
Does anyone really need to waste another 90 minutes of their life rehashing the obvious? If you need a refresher, 5 minutes of TV time should do the trick. If not, you're just too fucking thick for it to matter one teensy tiny bit anyway. Truthfully your money would be better spent on a case of beer.
Or maybe some heroin.
I hear black tar is coming back in a big way.
As always, drooling on yourself is optional.

Be seeing you.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

K-Y Delivery System Fails-Shockwaves Reverberate Through Collective U.S. Sphincter

* US debt deal alone won't sustain AAA rating
* Moody's backs US triple-A rating; outlook negative
* Stocks now down for year as economic concerns grow
* Stocks on long losing streak as economy weakens
* Debt is a done deal, but peace truce already fades
* Americans cut spending for first time in 20 months
* US auto industry uneasy after weak July sales
* Fitch: US debt deal alone won't sustain AAA rating
* Europe wary of creation of 'mega exchange'

YAHOO CENTRAL, INTERNUT, ARIZONA: Congress & her promise to "be gentle with us" has gone awry. Hundreds of thousands of cases of Astroglide & K-Y Lubricant never reached the average American, diverting instead towards an Orphanage in Tuscaloosa, where ex-president G.W. Junior, fallen horrifically off the wagon into a debauched spree of pedolphilia fueled excess, is holed up in a cabin not far from Interstate 359.

Our sources tell us that the hijacking of the Lubricant was carried out at the behest of former V.P., Dick "The Vaginal Simulacrum" Cheney, who still holds a grudge for G.W.'s failure to pardon Scooter Libby. Cheney, seeking nothing less than the complete destruction of the former President's stellar reputation, reportedly has 2,000 digital cameras placed strategically around the Bush Trailer Park/Armed Bunker.

Furthermore, our sources tell us that Cheney has struck a deal with the "Strange Addictions" TV show to broadcast this footage during national Sweeps Week.
Ratings are expected to spike as jaded Americans, emotionally dead from repeated economic rapings, will amass in droves hoping to feel something, even if it is just compete disgust.