Friday, February 24, 2012

Zombie Mohammed & Zombie Jesus Walk Into Synagogue....

A Pennsylvania judge has dismissed charges against a Muslim man who physically attacked an atheist dressed as “Zombie Muhammad” during the Mechanicsburg, Pa. Halloween parade.

“Having had the benefit of having spent over 2 and a half years in predominantly Muslim countries I think I know a little bit about the faith of Islam,” Martin said. “In fact I have a copy of the Koran here and I challenge you sir to show me where it says in the Koran that Mohammad arose and walked among the dead. I think you misinterpreted things. Before you start mocking someone else’s religion you may want to find out a little bit more about it. It makes you look like a doofus… In many Arabic speaking countries something like this is definitely against the law there. In their society in fact it can be punishable by death and it frequently is in their society.”

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I'm A Sad Boobly Bear

Spent the day injecting Whitney Houston videos into my eyeballs.

She was such a talent.

It was such a waste.

God, she was beautiful.

Masturbated twice, symbolically ejaculating onto this magazine photo:

I imagined the microphone was my penis & Whitney was aching for it. Begging for it, saying "I will always love you."

For some reason I kept calling her Susan & she'd laugh & say "My name's not Susan."

God, I felt so close to her.

Then I improvised a tape loop of Kevin Costner's eulogy...

It felt so right the way he was still her "Bodyguard."

I loved that movie.

He'd should have fake fucked her...

Maybe shown a little tit.

Bobby Brown wasn't right for her.

She should have married Kevin.

Then she could have been "Whitey Costner."

Their children would have been beautiful & talented and danced with wolves into the new millennium.

The morning she died I went onto Amazon and bought her whole catalog.


She needs to know that I'll never forget her.

I haven't felt this constipated since Michael died.

Disclaimer: Actually, I don't give a shit. Whitney's death seems about as important as any other death in that day's obituary column.
But I live in a world that is completely and totally addicted to media.
It is our religion.
It is our friend.
It is the never-ending blather that keeps us enslaved to fear by attractively burying our fear under vacuous yet fetching attire.

Without it, all we would have is ourselves.
&, apparently, no one wants that.

Not to worry though, Whitney's everywhere these days.

Somehow it all seems fitting that here, in the land of the dead, becoming a corpse seems to be, by far, the best career move a has been pop star can make to reignite their faded glory.

Should it all become a little too TMZ for ya, you can mosey on down to the Secret Sun Ranch, where Chris Knowles turns his desire to fuck way above his pay grade:

"But she was mezzo like my mom and looked like an idealized version of my high school girlfriend (who I met at a Clash concert, of all places), so a mixture of the two was certain to be potent in my new life."

into one really huge load of complete & utter bullshit:

"I see yet another point put up on the Archons' scoreboard. I see an artist who people across the world could all agree was something special taken away from us. The only hope is that the work will live on, and that that signal continues to be broadcast until enough receivers get switched on."

Y'see, it was the Archons baby. They just didn't want Whitney laying down any more Sanyo commercials.

Chris goes even further out on a limb crafted from complete bullshit when he utters this bit of "deep" poop:

"I mean, it's perfect. The System destroyed a goddess and then partied atop her corpse. Take a good, long look at American culture, people. The cancer has subsumed the host."

Jesus, I wonder if this guy has idealized the breathing women he's actually inserted his penis in to, or does he save this level of gushing idolatry for the class of women who wouldn't fuck him on a dare?

I also wonder if this guy has been in a coma until now. American "culture" has always been a little smelly around the edges. And "the System" has always chewed up its idols & shat them out. That democratic mass of people Chris appears to love, but only through the buffer of the Internet, seem to love it too. Otherwise tabloids wouldn't sell. As much as Chris doesn't want to admit it,


Personally, I'd rather listen to an amplified bowel movement than one of Whitney's bland songs. All the musicians who were actual innovators who died penniless & obscure while this dizzy broad with her vacuous catalog of future car ad jingles gets to party herself to death...

That's the crime.

Needless to say, I love the Internet.

I love cold sores & prostate problems too.

Oh yeah, I really love people.

Preferably well roasted.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Law & Order

Interesting morning. Woke up to find a SWAT team & the Sheriff's Dept. at every door. I walked on to the porch & a big Sheriff's deputy stuck a photo in my face and said "Is Jeff here?"
In my typical erudite fashion I said "Should he be?"
The Sheriff repeated his query.
While rechecking the form with the Jeff's photo on it, I noticed that the address was 950.
My address is 930.

Understandable mistake.

If you're fucking blind.

There's this weird contraption in my front yard that some people know as "a mailbox."
On this "mailbox" are really big numbers that say


I suppose the cops didn't bother looking at my home's address, relying instead on their razor sharp cop-like instincts.

Just further fuel for my theory that TV always portrays cops as uber caring & competent heroes because that's the myth we ache to believe. Mainly because we've become a nation of big crybaby sissies.

The truth is that cops are probably as competent & caring as the rest of us. Which is pretty fucking scary when you factor in all those big fucking guns.



Monday, February 13, 2012

The Lighter Side Of 2000 Year Old Jewish Mythology

The Vatican's timing was ironic. While Roman Catholic bishops in the U.S. were trying to revive their moral and political clout last week by battling President Obama over contraception coverage and religious liberty, a papally endorsed symposium was underway in Rome on how the Church has to change if it wants to prevent sexual abuse crises, the very tragedy that has shriveled the stature of Catholic prelates worldwide over the past decade, especially in the U.S. One monsignor at the Vatican gathering even suggested the hierarchy had been guilty of "omertà," the Mafia code of silence, by protecting abusive priests.

The Roman forum was a reminder -- and the birth control clash is turning out to be one as well -- of just how much influence the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has lost in the 10 years since the abuse crisis erupted in America. It hopes that its protest of a new federal rule requiring religiously affiliated institutions like Catholic hospitals and universities to provide no-cost contraception in their health insurance coverage, even if church doctrine forbids birth control, will help restore the bishops' relevance. They did win a partial victory last Friday when Obama, acknowledging the uproar, said those institutions would no longer have to pay for the contraception coverage themselves. But the President did not fully genuflect: The compromise will still oblige religious-based employers to offer the coverage, while their insurance providers foot the bill.