Friday, March 30, 2012

My Credit Card Is In Mourning Too

On Tuesday, a search for Trayvon Martin merchandise on Cafe Press—the popular online retailer of personalized products—turned up dozens of pages of results, with sellers offering shirts and hoodies with various messages of support for the slain Florida teen. By Tuesday afternoon, however, a search for "Trayvon" on Cafe Press yielded no results, as did searches on Wednesday and Thursday.

Bummer, I was just going to place my order for 7 Hoodies. One for every day of the week.

Seriously though, ya gotta love Americans. No matter what the tragedy, shopping is always high on their "to do" list. I think Skittles should produce a special Trayvon Martin memorial package. They'd make a to speak...

There is at least one item on Cafe Press related to Martin: a $45 hooded sweatshirt supporting the "Million Hoodie March," which his killing inspired.

Thank God for small favors. I'll be marking that date on my calendar. Nothing funnier than Americans marching in circles shouting slogans & carrying placards. The hoodies will just make it all the more amusing.


Marching people change shit Goddammit. Just witness how the Wall Street Occupation Force caused the fall of Wall Street.

Yep. This will be another great day in the history of a great cunt-tree.


Of course, it's too bad that all those white victims of black criminals can't have a march too. I suppose a Million Mullet March would be logistically impossible.

Oh well, once again...


One more thing, now that hoodies are a symbol of solidarity against the evils of racist Hispanic Jews, guys like this:

can rob a place while simultaneously striking a blow for racial equality. Talk about yer multi-tasking.

This is a great fucking Cunt-Tree, innit?
I doubt that there's a greater Cunt-Tree on the entire planet.

Thursday, March 29, 2012


I have been enjoying the tangled CSI murder mystery brought to us by Trayvon Martin & George Zimmerman & the fine state of Florida. I knew that this would attain gut buster levels when I saw Keith Olbermann in a Hoodie.

Today's "Yahoo Trends" list had Zimmerman in an early lead but Trayvon, proving that you're never really dead in Internet land, has moved ahead at mid-day.

Earlier, Spike Lee had to apologize for Tweeting the wrong address when he tweeted the Zimmerman's home address. Quite amusing. Hopefully Spike will shut up & stick to looking simple at basketball games but I doubt it. Nothing shocking there, eh? (Actually, the only thing I found shocking about the Spike Lee article was the statement that Spike has 240,000 Borg-like followers for his every mental burp.)

Then we have Zimmerman's dad Robert, who goes public in defense of his kid, but he does it behind an identity obscuring screen so mobs of outraged idiots don't take their outrage out on him.
It makes one wonder how those recent workplace conversations have gone for the elder Zimmerman.

"Say Bob, isn't that your kid George?

"Ummmm...nope...nope...don't have any kids. I...ah...had a vasectomy a long fucking time kids named George or Grace or kids for me."

"But George, you introduced me to him at the Christmas party."

"Ummmm...did you say my name was Bob? Nope, I'm Clyde. Used to be Cleo until I had that sex change back in the late 90s."

Almost as funny as Trayvon supporters continually trotting out pictures of little Trayvon when he was still in grade school. I suppose that photos of a 6'3" black teen in a hoodie would look too much like a thug for middle America to swallow.

The liberal crew over at RI, always in need of some violent act to occur so they can give their opinion about it, (they're outraged & saddened & weeping of course) while simultaneously Googling reams of material that only the unemployed could possibly find time to read, earlier posted a pithy tie-in with lynching.
I'm not exactly sure how that's relevant given the fact that Zimmerman is a Hispanic Jew.
Maybe the big brains at RI have finally realized that white people are irrelevant, while the true culture wars are occurring between minorities.

The only question I would like answered is why someone in Florida thought it would be a good idea to allow untrained neighborhood watch Yahoos to carry weapons.
Seriously, this is America, the de-evolution poster child. This is the place where humanity has regressed backwards to a state of slothful stupidity. The place where the average person's idea of a bad ass is Arnold Schwarzeneggar, whose model for physical conflict is an orgy he attended back in '79. We have taken a running leap away from anything anyone could call "reality" ages ago. We don't need to be carrying weapons. Really. If you doubt it, go to your average Wal-Mart & take a good look around. Do you seriously want these people to carry firearms in public?

Monday, March 19, 2012


A Russian military unit has arrived in Syria, according to Russian news reports, a development that a United Nations Security Council source told ABC News was "a bomb" certain to have serious repercussions.

Russia, one of President Bashar al-Assad's strongest allies despite international condemnation of the government's violent crackdown on the country's uprising, has repeatedly blocked the United Nations Security Council's attempts to halt the violence, accusing the U.S. and its allies of trying to start another war.

Now the Russian Black Sea fleet's Iman tanker has arrived in the Syrian port of Tartus on the Mediterranean Sea with an anti-terror squad from the Russian Marines aboard according to the Interfax news agency. The Assad government has insisted it is fighting a terrorist insurgency.

Cool! Maybe I'll finally see that nuclear war I was promised 49 years ago.
A world without people could only be an improvement.
Of course, everything else would be dead too, but that's a just a minor quibble.

Just think:

No more gangsta rap
No more overpaid sports celebrities
No more reality TV
No more CSI
No more cry baby liberals
& their psychotic right wing mirror images

No more fat chicks in shorts & belly revealing t-shirts
No more porky 50 year old guys & their mid life Harley crises
No more fake cops solving fake crimes
& fake doctors curing fake illnesses
& fake lawyers arguing fake legal cases

No more Kardashians
No more American Idol
No more Ceelo
No more Britney
or Madonna
or Adele
or Christina

No more tuneless country singers
No more golf games
No more NASCAR
No more overblown fear filled news stories that fizzle & fade
No more crocodile tears for drug overdosing pop stars
No more pop stars
No more delusional couch potatoes who think that they're "into" sports
No more compulsive texting tweeters who think their every thought needs to be electronically immortalized

No more googling conspiracy wankers
No more conspiracy theories
No more conspiracies
No more Gingrich
& no more Santorum
& no more Romney
& no more Obama

No more Rush Limbaugh rants against slutty birth control users
No more slutty birth control users
No more birth control
No more births

My God, the UPSIDE TO NUCLEAR WAR list is fucking endless

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I Wanna Be A Shing Star

About 2 months ago my employer informed us that their public funding was being cut by $15 million dollars. They also floated a few money saving ideas, such as cutting out health care, reducing our hours, etc., that they were considering.

Over the weekend, they unveiled the first of these money saving plans called "The Shining Star" program.

Under this ingenious plan, my employer wants us to "donate" a percentage of our wages back to the facility.
Those who donate 33% will attain the much coveted "Shining Star" label.

Also, anyone who donates will be eligible for "prizes" that will be awarded on payday.

Did I also mention that there would be t-shirts.

All of this has, quite frankly, given me a massive erection.

I want t-shirts & prizes.

I wanna be a Shining Star.

As of today, my wife & I have instituted a cost cutting program whereby we will only feed the children every other day. We feel that a little malnutrition is a small price to pay so that Dad can have a pen with a company logo on it.

Not to mention a t-shirt.

As a tribute to the great minds who work in the field of Mental Retardation & think up audacious "pay us so you can work here" money saving plans, I thought I'd update & Vanilla Ice Earth, Wind & Fire's 70s staple.

I wanna be a "Shining Star"
But my ass won't be going very far
cause I ain't got da money
to put gas in my mutherfuckin' car

now the bitches won't look at me
& Donald Trump just laughs at me
cause this "give back your pay" plan
is sheer mutherfuckin' lunacy

But every payday there will be a surprise
that will put joy in my kid's eyes
as I hand them a cheaply made "Shining Star" booby prize
instead of a plate full of steak & fries

No lies

Just da troof

Look in my eyes
Cause I can't disguise
the look of poverty
that is my legacy

Fuck da charity &
Fuck da cheese
I'm sick a bein
on my mutherfuckin knees

I'm the bottom of the stack

Wipin' crack

woulda done better sellin smack

To be honest, I only know of one woman who will be "donating."
When asked why she is doing this she replied, "Because God told me to do it."
Of course, God also once told her blow a fellow whose car broke down near her house.

I think that my wife quite eloquently summed it up when she said, "Anyone dumb enough to do that shouldn't be working there, they should be living there."



Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Political Science Yahoo Style

From Yahoo:

Voters still getting to know Santorum

Search trends show voters still don't know that much about the former U.S. senator.

On Super Tuesday, Yahoo! Search trends suggested that voters are still generally less familiar with Rick Santorum than with Mitt Romney.

So we've finally sunk to the bottom, eh?
Yahoo is using "search trends" as a barometer?
Are they kidding?
The Internet is an amazingly large bullshite repository where pampered Western Yahoos kill time till the coronary hits.
Otherwise they would be stuck with themselves & nobody wants that kind of horror.
From what I've seen of Yahoo's "search trends," the average Internet user is a shallow dysfunctional cretin with a bad case of celebrity cult-ure addiction.
The only upside I can see to using "search trends" is that they show that death really isn't tragic since a huge mass of people spend most of their lives hovering near some kind of weird pseudo death anyway.

But wait, Yahoo isn't as non dimensional as I thought, they also use Twitter:

The biggest spike we saw in tweets on Super Tuesday was around Santorum's speech, which were also largely negative. (Let's face it: People turn to Twitter to complain about and insult candidates more than they do to lavish praise on them.

No, let's really face it. People use Twitter for two reasons: 1. Because thoughts longer than 140 characters confuse the average user. 2. They're addicted to their electronic media. Without their electronic nipple & its illusion of connection, folk would slip back into their normal mind set. One filled with self doubt, insecurity & an epic abyss-like loneliness. In a lot of ways electronic media addiction resembles cigarette addiction. You can suck & suck on that nipple but you just never get very high.

So, in the spirit of using "search trends" & "tweets" as a mass mind gauge, I would like to throw the massive weight of DickCentral™ behind Rick Santorum in 2012.

Let's look at Tricky Ricky:

Rick Santorum: The Man, The Legend, The Anal Discharge.

Admit it. A nation of assholes couldn't ask for a better leader than President Anal Discharge.

The poetry of it all is humbling & quite awe inspiring.