About 2 months ago my employer informed us that their public funding was being cut by $15 million dollars. They also floated a few money saving ideas, such as cutting out health care, reducing our hours, etc., that they were considering.
Over the weekend, they unveiled the first of these money saving plans called "The Shining Star" program.
Under this ingenious plan, my employer wants us to "donate" a percentage of our wages back to the facility.
Those who donate 33% will attain the much coveted "Shining Star" label.
Also, anyone who donates will be eligible for "prizes" that will be awarded on payday.
Did I also mention that there would be t-shirts.
All of this has, quite frankly, given me a massive erection.
I want t-shirts & prizes.
I wanna be a Shining Star.
As of today, my wife & I have instituted a cost cutting program whereby we will only feed the children every other day. We feel that a little malnutrition is a small price to pay so that Dad can have a pen with a company logo on it.
Not to mention a t-shirt.
As a tribute to the great minds who work in the field of Mental Retardation & think up audacious "pay us so you can work here" money saving plans, I thought I'd update & Vanilla Ice Earth, Wind & Fire's 70s staple.
I wanna be a "Shining Star"
But my ass won't be going very far
cause I ain't got da money
to put gas in my mutherfuckin' car
now the bitches won't look at me
& Donald Trump just laughs at me
cause this "give back your pay" plan
is sheer mutherfuckin' lunacy
But every payday there will be a surprise
that will put joy in my kid's eyes
as I hand them a cheaply made "Shining Star" booby prize
instead of a plate full of steak & fries
Just da troof
Look in my eyes
Cause I can't disguise
the look of poverty
that is my legacy
Fuck da charity &
Fuck da cheese
I'm sick a bein
on my mutherfuckin knees
I'm the bottom of the stack
woulda done better sellin smack
To be honest, I only know of one woman who will be "donating."
When asked why she is doing this she replied, "Because God told me to do it."
Of course, God also once told her blow a fellow whose car broke down near her house.
I think that my wife quite eloquently summed it up when she said, "Anyone dumb enough to do that shouldn't be working there, they should be living there."
GO TEAM AMERICA.
YAY YAY YAY FOR THE RED WHITE & GRAY.