Friday, December 28, 2012

Julie Keith was unpacking some of last year's Halloween decorations when she stumbled upon an upsetting letter wedged into the packaging.

Tucked in between two novelty headstones that she had purchased at Kmart, she found what appeared to be a letter from the Chinese laborer, who had made the decoration, pleading for help

The letter reads: "Sir, if you occasionally buy this product, please kindly resend this letter to the World Human Right Organization. Thousands people here who are under the persecution of the Chinese Communist Party Government will thank and remember you forever."

"I was so frustrated that this letter had been sitting in storage for over a year, that this person had written this plea for help and nothing had come of it." Julie Keith told Yahoo! Shine. "Then I was shocked. This person had probably risked their life to get this letter in this package."

The letter describes the conditions at the factory: "People who work here have to work 15 hours a day without Saturday, Sunday break and any holidays. Otherwise, they will suffer torturement, beat and rude remark. Nearly no payment (10 yuan/1 month)." That translates to about $1.61 a month.

Long live Mao!!!
American Capitalist pig shopping addicts
don't care how cheap goodies are produced
as long as cheap goodies stay cheap.
They buy & buy & buy...
makes them horny...
love shopping better than children,
better than parents,
better than mate...
flock to malls in droves,
the new American Mosque 
& Synagogue 
& Church, 
genuflect before entering Macy's 
then touch groin repeatedly 
as arousal becomes uncontrollable. 
Each credit card swipe 
elicits moaning acquiescence 
before the Gods of Commerce...
in background a repetitive video loop 
of degraded Chinese workers plays over & over....
young girls fondled as 
young boys made to lick their master's boots....
while credit limits are renegotiated and realigned...
infinite growth rapes a finite world...
infinite growth rapes a finite world....
repeat it like a mantra...
enlightenment achieved through
the gaping maw of consumption
we are mouths 
& assholes
& teeth
oh my
we are mouths
& assholes
& teeth
oh my

Friday, December 21, 2012

Another Apocalypse come & gone.

Now I suppose that the inevitable post-Armageddon blues will set in...

Every Apocalypse is always the same.

You bust your ass sinking the shipping container under 20 feet of dirt, then you furiously race from store to store, hoarding can goods like an elf hoards wood putty. You make your list & check it twice & thrice & you plan your escape should the zombified hordes of hungry humans overrun your position, maybe squeezing up the prefabricated chimney/escape hatch you had spot welded onto the shipping container, then a quick jaunt to a waiting freezer truck packed with frozen deer meat where you hightail it somewhere North & cold & deserted.

Then what happens?

The Apocalypse is here & gone before you know it & all you're left with are the bills & the guilt.

Thankfully the esteemed Huffington Post has a handy guide to navigating those nasty post-Armageddon blahs.

1. Cut yourself some slack.

Always good advice. So you spent your entire retirement fund on MREs &  fed your children substandard meals so you could use the extra money to buy 3 generators & a water purification system. So what. Just breath...breath again...then forgive yourself.

2. Work in structure.

In other words...return to your normal schedule. This may be hard since you've completely alienated all your co-workers with your incessant prepping & talking about prepping & describing what other preppers are doing that they may not want you. It probably won't help that you shrugged off participating in this year's Secret Santa gift exchange by loudly exclaiming, "You're all gonna fuckin' die," and then laughing maniacally.

3. Get your pamper on.

This does not refer to your plan to wear diapers while you were crouched down in your hidden spider hole. What they're suggesting is that you pamper yourself back to equilibrium. For example, you know that box of Twinkies that you had scheduled for the week of 10/12/16...well it's time to live large buddy...crack that mother open and eat them all. The entire week's worth.  Or maybe it's time to buy yourself that tactical assault rifle you saw at Merle's gun show. Hell, live a little son.

4. Stop the Armageddon binge.

That means no more canned goods, no more shipping containers &, most of all, no more urine to drinking water conversion kits.

5. Add in Omega-3s

They're suggesting that you boost your brain functions by gobbling up some good old fatty acids.
This is fine line you're walking here. You want to boost brain function past the depression level but you need to ensure that brain function doesn't exceed the credulity level otherwise you risk missing out on the next Apocalyptic scare.

6. Think high intensity.

So you want to gear up that work out. Maybe use live ammo for your barbed wire crawl or maybe set yourself a goal of 3 freshly dug spider holes a day. Mood changes should soon follow.

7. Know when it's time for help.

This is a tricky one. I'm assuming that they mean recruiting extra hands to help secure your compound against any future apocalyptic meltdown. I'm almost 100% positive that they're not, in any way shape or form, suggesting that you get within 10 miles of any mental health professional.

I sincerely hope that this helps you weather the storm of post-Apocalyptic depression.
We here at DickCentral™ understand how you feel.
Humanity sucks.
& it deserves erasing.
Just think positive & remember

Better luck next time.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

2 1/2 hours into DOOMSDAY & the world's still here.

What a fucking bummer.

Goddamn Mayans...lying sacks of Injun shit.

I guess I'll have to put the shipping container up on Ebay.

Maybe the MRE's will sell too...

I guess I can finally stop shitting in compost buckets...


Stoopid Mayans

Stoopid calendar

Friday, December 14, 2012

We humans are strange little critters.

I wonder if gazelles stop and mill about as the unlucky slowpoke gazelle gets gobbled up by the lions?

Do they postulate endless conspiracy theories as they attempt to make sense of the carnage?

Since I steered clear of massacre stories cell Crackbook account...only enough Internet to note the ever changing Massacre headlines as the day long feeding frenzy played out with the media doing their astute job of sniffing out bloodshed, knowing they had a rapt audience of accident scene rubber neckers to placate...I'm woefully short on details.

So don't expect any.

What I did do, at day's end,  is pay a visit to 2 of my favorite crackpot websites on the Internut, Loren Coleman's Twilight Language & the Rigorous Intuition Forum.

I've come to the conclusion that I could write their material without them.

It's so fucking predictable.

Everyone is just so sad, but, surprisingly not sad enough to stop blog & forum posting.
Because we all know how important it is.


What did these people do before the fucking Internet?

They must have led lives of incredibly empty loneliness as all of their incite & wisdom went for naught. Sitting, muttering to themselves in isolated little rooms with wistful music playing in the background.

Well Yay Internut!

You do have a purpose.

Too bad they don't.

These folk have been playing the same old story for fucking years & years & years...

Pontificating  about the  same revolving door of crap they've read in books or on the Internut...

LARPing the roll of revolutionary on nice hermetically sealed forums with other like minded LARPers.

Yet, magically, nothing ever changes.

The slaughters continue...

Does Loren really believe that if he juggles enough names that somehow, in the juggling, he'll find a reason for it all?  God's Etch-A Sketch in action.

Does Loren believe that he is somehow magically above the media, who he castigates endlessly for glorifying spree killers and instigating their recurrence, when he posts endless reams of blog posts dissecting the massacres as if they were secret messages from God?

Do the RI Forum crew seriously believe they're doing anything other than re-spoon feeding a shitload of spoon fed news stories to each other.

Retyping the same tired second & third & 40th hand stories over & over again?

More importantly, do these pathetically lonely mental cases really think that type on a screen makes them part of "a community."

Jesus, are these people really that fucking alienated?

If the Mayans are right and the 21st is the end of it all, I suspect that there isn't much of us left to kill.

After all, you can't kill what's already dead.

It's now 6 AM. For 32 of the next 40 hours I'll be working with the polar opposite of RI Land, RepubLand. Yippee! Please oh please oh please God, I promise I'll stop being an unbelieving wanker asshole as long as You keep Anti-UN guy from showing up this weekend. I can hear him now:

"You know, that school shooting was a well orchestrated para-military operation jointly planned by the UN & President Obama. It was carried out under the auspices of MK-Ultra in order to coalesce public opinion behind a seizure of OUR GODDAMN GUNS and furthermore yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah yadda blah yadda blah yadda blah blah blah....

Oh frabjuous joy Caloo Calay....

Here's a thought,

instead of non stop media coverage of spree killings where voluminous armies of rubber necking at accident scene wankers get to lurk around comment sections & forums & blogs,
pontificating on their personal obsessions (i.e. gun control, no gun control, government conspiracies, etc.), and then explaining in badly spelled & illiterate detail how those personal obsessions foretold the event or could effectively derail future events while they amateurishly smokescreen their real love of bloodshed under all this bullshit,  and pseudo journalists get fill up reams of computer screen with empty type without exerting any effort whatsoever, let's have no media coverage whatsoever.

No photos of the crime scene.

No photos of wailing & heartbroken parents.

No endless stream of faux journalistic voyeuristic product that masks itself as information.

But most importantly of all, no photos of the shooters.

No endless examinations of their lives or their motivations.

No trotting out of the shooter's friends and family to find out if they saw  the demon imp in the shooter's eyes. (The didn't) Or if they had any indication said shooter would start shooting(they didn't).

In fact, do not even publish their real names.

Instead they will be known only as John Doe.

Remove every shred of fame or infamy from the act.

Do not serve the interests of the mentally deranged shooter or the equally deranged cult of personality that springs up around him.

Instead, what we have every time this happens is a vampiric feast by journalists & journalist wanna-bes who, in reality, would have absolutely nothing to type if they weren't typing about bloodshed.

Two days ago, the media published this lovely bit of counting your chickens before their hatched back slapping:

Citizens' coolheadedness and individual preparation for coping with gunfire in public settings may have curtailed the casualty count from Tuesday's shooting at a Portland, Ore., shopping mall, law officers suggested on the day after the tragedy.

Two people died and one was critically wounded before the shooter, 22-year-old Jacob Tyler Roberts of Portland, killed himself a few minutes after running into the food court at the Clackamas Town Center mall. Officials say Mr. Roberts, wearing camouflage and a white hockey mask, had methodically fired "multiple" rounds from an assault-style rifle at random shoppers.

Most of the 10,000 Christmas shoppers at the mall appeared nearly as ready and able as police to deal with a gunman appearing suddenly in their midst, Clackamas County Sheriff Craig Roberts said on Wednesday.

Ah yes, spree killers, take that.
We're ready for ya.


 Today we saw what a chunk of shit that is.

So, does the endless attention given to spree killers actually prepare anyone for anything?

Or are we just really helping them refine their techniques as our endless rubber necking feeds their need for quasi-fame?

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Zombie Apocalypse

Being in an apocalyptic mood, I've been tooling around the Information Super Highway(exactly how outdated am I anyway?) looking for aficionados of TV's most popular apocalyptic meltdown, The Walking Dead.

I should start out by saying that I've never liked the show. Oh, I have a few zombie films in my mental attic, but The Walking Dead has always annoyed me.
When it first started, my 15 year old son & I would watch & just rip it to shreds.
After a while this all became a bit pointless as the show veered toward cliched self parody.

Then he started telling me that his classmates would discuss each new episode as if it were Holy Writ.
In other words, it all became funnier.

In my travels tonight, I came across this discussion over at The Atlantic.

Here, The Walking Dead becomes a metaphor for just about everything. From terrorism to eco-meltdown to underwear that bunches up too much for comfort.

And as these astute culture critics frolic in their inner geekdom, they like to repeatedly mention that The Walking Dead isn't so much about zombies as it is about the protagonist's valiant efforts to maintain their humanity in the face of implacable odds.

They champion this "humanity" from a website whose header ad is from EXXONMOBIL.

Jesus, talk about dissociative behavior.

They really don't see themselves as part of the problem.

The Walking Dead's upscale geek fan base seems to see themselves as the plucky survivors caring & loving & yadda yadda ya-ing in the face of certain doom, while in reality, they're the fucking zombies who have rapaciously eaten up everything in sight.

If anything, The Walking Dead is a metaphor for the world's inability to keep Westerners & their voracious appetites at bay.

We're the fucking unstoppably hungry zombies. & we are most definitely not the heroes here.

As much as we like to believe we are.

We're not.

& if you're dumb enough to think that the economic meltdown of 2008 has changed anything, I invite you to toddle down to your local mall and watch the zombie hordes in action.

They're fucking everywhere.

& they're hungry as hell.

Your Tax Dollars At Work Again

Watch as NASA time travels 10 days into the future & attempts to end the world by boring everyone to death.

In related news:

Some New Age spiritualists are convinced of a December 21 "doomsday" foretold by Mayan hieroglyphs – at least according to some interpretations. Sirince, a village of around 600 inhabitants near the ancient Greek city of Ephesus, has a positive energy according to the doomsday cultists, who say that it is close to an area where Christians believe the Virgin Mary ascended to heaven. The Mayan prophecy has sparked a tourism boom in the village, which is now expected to host more than 60,000 visitors according to local media. "It is the first time we witness such an interest during the winter season," said Ilkan Gulgun, one of the hotel owners in Sirince, quoted by the media. He said the tourists at his hotel believed that the positive energy of Sirince would save them from an apocalyptical catastrophe.

Gee, let me guess, more wealthy white people with more money than sense.

Hopefully the Turks are bilking them royally.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

10 Days & Counting Or Further Proof That (Thankfully) We're Doomed


Scary Rumors about the World Ending in 2012 Are Just Rumors

False rumors about the end of the world in 2012 have been commonplace on the Internet for some time. Many of these rumors involve the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 (it won’t), a comet causing catastrophic effects (definitely not), a hidden planet sneaking up and colliding with us (no and no), and many others.The world will not end on December 21, 2012, or any day in 2012.
Unfortunately, these rumors have many people frightened, especially children. NASA has received thousands of letters concerned about the end of the world. David Morrison, a planetary astronomer and senior scientist for NASA who answers questions from the public about astrobiology, says, “At least a once a week I get a message from a young person ― as young as 11 ― who says they are ill and/or contemplating suicide because of the coming doomsday.”
According to NASA, the old mystery-planet-collision rumor year was 2003, but when 2004 arrived safely, the rumors changed to 2012. So what end-of-the-world year will the rumor mill make up next?

Well that says it all doesn't it? Time to hunker down in your shipping container & dust off your human manure composting equipment because the end is fucking nigh.

Anyone even remotely familiar with NASA's faked Moon shots

or its real Moon shots that discovered alien bases that it then covered up

or its super secret shadow Space Program that did the genuine space shit while the public Space Program just gave people a bunch of Mooney shots it could safely ignore

knows that when NASA moves its collective lips, it's lying.

Hopefully, for the sake of continuity & balance, our collective Dec. 21st ass reaming will be long, hard & entirely lube free.

We deserve it.

Everyone of us.

& remember

No whimpering!

Friday, December 7, 2012

The 70s seemed to be the decade for extraterrestrials to psychically contact people while the intelligence community hovered in the background.

Phil Dick had VALIS, Robert Anton Wilson had his Sirius Transmissions.

Here, John Clark/John Holmes, childhood pal of Jerry Garcia, relates his trip through E.T.-land.

If ET's intention was to point us in the right direction, I'd say that ET fucked up horribly.

That's probably why they just hover over us now, like we're an oversized version of the Cleveland Zoo.

Seriously, can anyone blame them?

Personally I think it's our unnatural attraction to post modern elevator music that keeps them away.

Now, with the approach of our societal expiration date, I think ET needs a little encouragement to do the right thing and zap us into oblivion.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Giving New Meaning To The Phrase "Ho, Ho, Ho!"

A little Old Time Religion for the Holiday/End Of All Da Shit Season

We need more preachers like Reverend X.

Holy Peephole Batman...They're Spying On Us

This is interesting stuff. Not particularly surprising, but interesting.

Although one has to wonder, given The New York Times long history as a mouthpiece for US propaganda, what their motives are for putting this guy on the web.

In some ways I think the US government loves to float bullshit stories about its omnipotent powers for no other reason than to appear more omnipotent than it really is.

Not that I doubt the theory behind the guys story, just pointing out that so many elements of its presentation are, to put it mildly, suspect. 

It does make me infinitely happy that I'm cell phone free, Facebook free, Twitter free, etc.
Even this blog & its attendant e-mail address is under a completely fictitious name.

I am,  as far as I've been able to ascertain, a complete Internet non-entity.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Satan Gears Up For End Times Clearance Sale

The Catholic Church has established an exorcist hotline in Milan, its biggest diocese, to cope with demand. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the diocese’s chief exorcist since 1995, said the curia had also appointed twice as many exorcists to cope with a doubling in the number of requests for help over 15 years.

“We get many requests for names, addresses and phone numbers; that’s why we’ve set up a switchboard in the curia from Monday to Friday from 2.30pm to 5pm,” he told the chiesadimilano website.
“People in need can call and will be able to find a priest in the same area who doesn’t have to travel too far.” And to that end, the number of demon-busting priests on call has increased from six to 12.
The Monsignor said he knew of one exorcist who had been seeing up to 120 people a day. “But with so little time per client he was only able to offer a quick blessing. That’s not enough,” he said. ”There should be two to four appointments a day, no more, otherwise it’s too much.”
It’s not clear why the number of suspected possessions has risen so sharply. But Monsignor Mascheroni said that part of the increase might be explained by the rising numbers of parents having difficulty controlling disobedient teenagers.
“Usually the parents call [because they are] concerned about a child who won’t go to school or who’s taking drugs or rebelling. In reality it’s not a demon, but when they’re 18 years old young people don’t want to be told what to do.”

Demons are literally everywhere these days.

It starts with junior refusing to eat his brussel sprouts. Then, later in life, he's blasting death metal, smoking pot & refusing his teachers demands to learn every significant battle of the Civil War. Finally, he sinks into a morass of kiddie porn, necrophilia, scrotum tattoos & devil worship.

It's a sad & sorry story, replayed over & over, year after year.

I'm personally saddened that the Vatican has chosen to downplay this well traversed road to ruination & Hellfire.

Now, as we sit on the threshold of the invented birthday of an invented God it is made doubly poignant by the approaching END TIMES scenario of the Mayan/Hopi/NewAgersWithDiminishedBrainCells and their December 21st doomsday deadline.

Will the dead walk?

Will Rudolph's nose finally go dark?

Will every Doomsday Prepper prepping in an undisclosed shipping container in America's heartland have the last laugh hunched over their accumulated supply of Spaghetti-Os as the rest of us are forced to BBQ the forbidden long pig for Christmas dinner?

Will Celebrity Ghost Stories actually become believable to anyone other than the most credulous amongst us?

Will Bobo find his Squatch?

Will the aliens rise from their secret base in Mt. Shasta and spirit us all away to a brave new world of intramural rectal probing & vague spirituality interspersed with even vaguer environmentalism?

Will the Catholic Church finally admit that all those molesting priests were sanctioned by the Vatican to work on a secret new delivery method for the Communion wafer?

Will Christians finally admit that there wasn't anyone named Jesus born on December 25th?

Will we finally acknowledge Santa's genuine pedigree and leave him a nice full plate of psychoactive mushrooms instead of all those poorly baked cookies and all those diarrhea inducing gallons of tepid milk?

Only time will tell, my friends.

Only time will tell.