Monday, December 3, 2012

Satan Gears Up For End Times Clearance Sale

The Catholic Church has established an exorcist hotline in Milan, its biggest diocese, to cope with demand. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the diocese’s chief exorcist since 1995, said the curia had also appointed twice as many exorcists to cope with a doubling in the number of requests for help over 15 years.

“We get many requests for names, addresses and phone numbers; that’s why we’ve set up a switchboard in the curia from Monday to Friday from 2.30pm to 5pm,” he told the chiesadimilano website.
“People in need can call and will be able to find a priest in the same area who doesn’t have to travel too far.” And to that end, the number of demon-busting priests on call has increased from six to 12.
The Monsignor said he knew of one exorcist who had been seeing up to 120 people a day. “But with so little time per client he was only able to offer a quick blessing. That’s not enough,” he said. ”There should be two to four appointments a day, no more, otherwise it’s too much.”
It’s not clear why the number of suspected possessions has risen so sharply. But Monsignor Mascheroni said that part of the increase might be explained by the rising numbers of parents having difficulty controlling disobedient teenagers.
“Usually the parents call [because they are] concerned about a child who won’t go to school or who’s taking drugs or rebelling. In reality it’s not a demon, but when they’re 18 years old young people don’t want to be told what to do.”

Demons are literally everywhere these days.

It starts with junior refusing to eat his brussel sprouts. Then, later in life, he's blasting death metal, smoking pot & refusing his teachers demands to learn every significant battle of the Civil War. Finally, he sinks into a morass of kiddie porn, necrophilia, scrotum tattoos & devil worship.

It's a sad & sorry story, replayed over & over, year after year.

I'm personally saddened that the Vatican has chosen to downplay this well traversed road to ruination & Hellfire.

Now, as we sit on the threshold of the invented birthday of an invented God it is made doubly poignant by the approaching END TIMES scenario of the Mayan/Hopi/NewAgersWithDiminishedBrainCells and their December 21st doomsday deadline.

Will the dead walk?

Will Rudolph's nose finally go dark?

Will every Doomsday Prepper prepping in an undisclosed shipping container in America's heartland have the last laugh hunched over their accumulated supply of Spaghetti-Os as the rest of us are forced to BBQ the forbidden long pig for Christmas dinner?

Will Celebrity Ghost Stories actually become believable to anyone other than the most credulous amongst us?

Will Bobo find his Squatch?

Will the aliens rise from their secret base in Mt. Shasta and spirit us all away to a brave new world of intramural rectal probing & vague spirituality interspersed with even vaguer environmentalism?

Will the Catholic Church finally admit that all those molesting priests were sanctioned by the Vatican to work on a secret new delivery method for the Communion wafer?

Will Christians finally admit that there wasn't anyone named Jesus born on December 25th?

Will we finally acknowledge Santa's genuine pedigree and leave him a nice full plate of psychoactive mushrooms instead of all those poorly baked cookies and all those diarrhea inducing gallons of tepid milk?

Only time will tell, my friends.

Only time will tell.


Morocco Bama said...

It's about time they allowed priests to write prescriptions, don't you think? Here's the latest and greatest. It never ceases to amaze what's legal, and what's illegal, does it?

The Bobos will eat this shit up like it's candy.

just_another_dick said...

Y'know MB, I'm thinking that Pristiq would be the perfect popper for all those rectally probed altar boys since constipation is one of the side effects. This will ensure that the newly inserted Communion Wafer/Hunk Of God Meat will stay in much longer, thereby bestowing all the benefits & perks of imbibed God meat for a much longer time.

In fact, I'm pretty sure all those perky little boy butts will, at some point, begin to glow with the divine radiance of the angelic host.

I think Bon Jovi wrote a song about it;

"I'm an altar boy.
On a priest's dick I ride.
I want it
(Want it)
KY'd or dry."

just_another_dick said...

Speaking of Bobo, over the weekend I treated myself to an episode of Finding Bigfoot. In this installment the intrepid Squatch hunters were standing in a forest cranking Bobo's manually operated air raid siren.

Maybe they thought Squatch was a child of the Cold War & he/she/it would think the Ruskies were finally dropping the big one & he/she/it would come racing out of the forest in search of the nearest bomb shelter so the Squatch hunters could snap a handy cell phone pic of the big guy.

Anyway, after the siren goes off, they hear something loud that some of them describe as a "large tree falling."

Bobo, a candidate for psychotropic manipulation if I've ever seen one, postulates that a Squatch probably just ripped a big tree out of the ground.

The rest of them are just amazed.

I suppose that it would be amazing to hear a tree fall if you were in the middle of the New York Subway System... but in a forest?

As they were interviewing one of the team members about how a tree falling in a forest is somehow evidence that a Squatch is around, the team member is standing in front of two trees with a fallen tree limb perched between them.

Maybe Squatchie put that tree limb there too.

As a sign.

Like a Bigfoot Crop Circle.

Without the crops.

Maybe that's Squatchies real secret...he's an interdimensional forest ranger just clearing out all that dead brush and toppling those hazardously dead trees.

Of course, it begs the question

If a tree falls in the forest and there's only a crew of Squatch hunters to hear it, would they believe it was just a tree?

Morocco Bama said...

Shit, I didn't even know that Bobo existed until you just said so. I's thought yuswa referrin te dis bobo:

Of course, now that I know of this new Bobo, this is interesting.

just_another_dick said...

My God MB, they've made a movie about my co-workers.

That's fucking great!