Friday, December 21, 2012

Another Apocalypse come & gone.

Now I suppose that the inevitable post-Armageddon blues will set in...

Every Apocalypse is always the same.

You bust your ass sinking the shipping container under 20 feet of dirt, then you furiously race from store to store, hoarding can goods like an elf hoards wood putty. You make your list & check it twice & thrice & you plan your escape should the zombified hordes of hungry humans overrun your position, maybe squeezing up the prefabricated chimney/escape hatch you had spot welded onto the shipping container, then a quick jaunt to a waiting freezer truck packed with frozen deer meat where you hightail it somewhere North & cold & deserted.

Then what happens?

The Apocalypse is here & gone before you know it & all you're left with are the bills & the guilt.

Thankfully the esteemed Huffington Post has a handy guide to navigating those nasty post-Armageddon blahs.

1. Cut yourself some slack.

Always good advice. So you spent your entire retirement fund on MREs &  fed your children substandard meals so you could use the extra money to buy 3 generators & a water purification system. So what. Just breath...breath again...then forgive yourself.

2. Work in structure.

In other words...return to your normal schedule. This may be hard since you've completely alienated all your co-workers with your incessant prepping & talking about prepping & describing what other preppers are doing that they may not want you. It probably won't help that you shrugged off participating in this year's Secret Santa gift exchange by loudly exclaiming, "You're all gonna fuckin' die," and then laughing maniacally.

3. Get your pamper on.

This does not refer to your plan to wear diapers while you were crouched down in your hidden spider hole. What they're suggesting is that you pamper yourself back to equilibrium. For example, you know that box of Twinkies that you had scheduled for the week of 10/12/16...well it's time to live large buddy...crack that mother open and eat them all. The entire week's worth.  Or maybe it's time to buy yourself that tactical assault rifle you saw at Merle's gun show. Hell, live a little son.

4. Stop the Armageddon binge.

That means no more canned goods, no more shipping containers &, most of all, no more urine to drinking water conversion kits.

5. Add in Omega-3s

They're suggesting that you boost your brain functions by gobbling up some good old fatty acids.
This is fine line you're walking here. You want to boost brain function past the depression level but you need to ensure that brain function doesn't exceed the credulity level otherwise you risk missing out on the next Apocalyptic scare.

6. Think high intensity.

So you want to gear up that work out. Maybe use live ammo for your barbed wire crawl or maybe set yourself a goal of 3 freshly dug spider holes a day. Mood changes should soon follow.

7. Know when it's time for help.

This is a tricky one. I'm assuming that they mean recruiting extra hands to help secure your compound against any future apocalyptic meltdown. I'm almost 100% positive that they're not, in any way shape or form, suggesting that you get within 10 miles of any mental health professional.
DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!!!!!!

I sincerely hope that this helps you weather the storm of post-Apocalyptic depression.
We here at DickCentral™ understand how you feel.
Humanity sucks.
& it deserves erasing.
Just think positive & remember

Better luck next time.

7 comments:

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