Tuesday, May 31, 2011

October 21st

After careful introspective deliberation involving darts and shredded Bible pages, I've come to the conclusion that the world will really end on October 21st. In an effort to ease Yahweh's reinsertion into the world orifice I've decided to close down the bloog, sell off my old posts on Ebay, and build a combination Ark/Bomb Shelter/Traveling Billboard/Mobile Kitchen in order to pass the word while simultaneously offering shelter and greasy chicken wings to those with ears to hear.

I wish y'all the best and hope the coming Tribulation won't find you sitting on the toilet with an unwiped ass crack or balls deep in a farm animal.


If you see this in your rear view mirror
drive faster.

Friday, May 27, 2011

AutoErotic Penmanship

Another spacey news day for Yahoo. First, we're told that

"Gas tanks are draining family budgets"

Gee, that could be bad. Empty budgets mean empty shopping carts. But then we're told right below, that

"Rising consumer confidence lifts stocks"

Whew. That was close. I'd hate to see stockholders suffering. Not that I own any. & I'd hate to see consumers suffering from a lack of confidence. I doubt we could afford to send everyone in the country to a Tony Robbins seminar. But then further down they give us this

"April consumer spending shows weak gain"

Maybe consumers were just a little insecure, but now they're reasserting themselves, poising to storm the Wal-Mart aisles & Home Depot Garden Centers.

It's all so confusing. Like watching a silent movie in braille.

Oh well, at least Obama, the Hope & Change guy, didn't throw us any curve balls. He extended The Patriot Act without any changes, just like everyone on the right hoped he would.

Good boy Barack.

Sit up.


Here's a biscuit.

Now go play while the rich white guys think up a new task for your black ass.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The End Is Nigh And It Smells Just Like Poop

I have to say that I was highly depressed that I didn't see all the goody two shoe Christians jetting off into space. The idea that we only had a few more months of life left for our lovely human/talking monkey meat sack zoo was quite comforting.

"Some say the end is near
Some say we'll see Armageddon soon
I certainly hope we will
I sure could use a vacation
From this bullshit 3 ring circus sideshow of freaks"

Thankfully Reverend Camping found out it was just a computational error. Evidently Saturday was only the day of "God's judgement." Evidently by committee.

From what I understand, The Father, The Son & The Holy Ghost met in a celestial boardroom & hashed out the details of God's Santa-like naughty/nice list.

Here's a bit of the transcripts I obtained from "IamGODandyabestlistentoMe.com."

Holy Ghost: What about Lady Gaga?

Jesus: Myself! What's your problem Ghost? You know how the Big Guy feels about that trans-gender shit?

Yahweh: (muffled sounds of snoring)

Jesus: It's a good thing He's still in His Odin Sleep.

Holy Ghost: Sorry Joshua. OK, how about George W.?

Jesus: Well, that's a given. Y'know how it goes, "drunkards & fools & such?" GW happens to fit both criteria.

Holy Ghost: Right. A big check for GW.
What about Noam Chomsky?

Jesus: Sorry. Socialist. If God wanted people to help each other He wouldn't have made them to be such selfish bastards now would He?

Holy Ghost: Check.

(This literally goes on for billions & billions of pages so I'll end it there.)

Luckily Reverend Camping wasn't wrong about that end date though.

Oct. 21st.

Mark those calendars kiddies, there is the granddaddy of all light shows on the horizon.

Personally I'm getting all goose pimply just thinking about it.

Coca Cola And Armageddon
We Like It, We Like It, Yes We Do
Coca Cola And Armageddon
It's The Real Thing
Now Come And Get It

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A Yahoo's Economy At A Glance

NEW YORK (AP) -- High gas prices are driving a wider wedge between the wealthy and everybody else.

(You know what else also "drives a wedge between the wealthy & everybody else?"

The rich are back to pre-recession-style splurging: Saks Fifth Avenue and Nordstrom customers are treating themselves to luxury items like $5,000 Hermes handbags and $700 Jimmy Choo shoes, and they're paying full price.

(Translation: During the elite's epic financial ass raping of the un-elite, the wealthy, not looking to draw opprobrium or lynch mobs, laid low. Now, with the realization that we're little more than whipped dogs groveling at their mercy, they decided to say, "FUCK IT" and splurge.)

At Target and Walmart, shoppers are concentrating on groceries and skipping even little luxuries. BJ's Wholesale Corp. said Wednesday that its customers are buying more hamburger and chicken and less steak and buying smaller packs to save money.

"The average shopper isn't in the game, except for necessities," said Faith Hope Consolo, chairman of retail leasing and marketing at Prudential Douglas Elliman. At the same time, among the rich, "Luxury products are selling like bread."

(NEWSFLASH: The average shopper has never been "in the game," because survival isn't a game. Advertisers have never aimed any "luxury" advertising at people like me. I get the beer ads & the get rich quick real estate schemes & Jerry Springer)

J.C. Penney, Wal-Mart and home-improvement retailer Lowe's Cos. all said they're noticing their customers are consolidating shopping trips to save money on gas as the average price hovers near $4 a gallon.

More than a half-dozen corporate earnings reports this week show that, for the affluent, rising prices are merely a nuisance. For others, they can mean scrimping to put food on the table.

(Which leads me to believe that we should just shit, get off the pot and exterminate all those poor wealthless bastards toot sweet. Look at it as mercy killing. After all, you wouldn't let a dog wallow in anxiety as it slowly starves to death, so why do it to people. Of course, I'd be on the their "shoot the bastard" list, but, like my dearly departed ma used to say, "Ya gotta take the bitter with the better sonny boy.")

The wealthy were the first to start spending again after the recession. Middle-class Americans' spending started picking up late last year.

(See above)

But the retail earnings results show that rising prices for gas and food, particularly meat, dairy and produce, have started to erode spending power.

(In other words, the average American's economic recovery didn't really amount to much.
In reality, the recovery was an invention, foisted on yoo-hoo America in an effort to misdirect them into spending more of what they don't have on shit that they don't need.)

It could get worse later this year, when clothing prices are expected to rise 10 percent to 15 percent. Meat prices are expected to rise 6 percent to 7 percent this year and dairy products as much as 5.5 percent, according to USDA estimates.

(Cool! Even more shit I won't be able to afford to buy. At this rate, my goal to become materialism negative should be reached much sooner than I thought. Now I'll have more time to work on the Breatharian principle of gaining sustenance from light rays. I'm always impressed at the concern the elite have for my spiritual well being.)

The bottom fifth of earners, with a median household income of $9,846, spend 35.6 percent of their income on food and 9.4 percent on gas, according to Citi Investment Research.

The top fifth, whose median household income is $157,631, spend only 6.8 percent on food and 1.9 percent on gas. So they feel price increases less.

(With one slight revision, that last bit will be completely true. "The top fifth, whose median household income is $157,631, spend only 6.8 percent on food and 1.9 percent on gas. So they feel less.")

"While the U.S. economy is showing some signs of improvement, we expect the recovery will continue to be slow and uneven, particularly for more moderate-income households," Gregg Steinhafel, Target's chairman, president and CEO, said on a conference call with analysts Wednesday.

(Tranlation: If ya ain't got that green, life's gonna get mean.)

The divide is prompting retailers to alter their strategies: Luxury stores like Saks Fifth Avenue, which had added more items, from shirts to suits, at lower prices after the financial meltdown in late 2008, are again rebalancing their assortments. Now, it's back to the $300-plus dress shirts.

"We are increasingly optimistic about the future," Saks CEO Stephen Sadove said in a call with analysts on Tuesday after reporting a 9 percent first-quarter revenue increase.

(I don't know about you, but I am heartened to know the wealthy are "optimistic." Why should everyone mire themselves in utter depression like I do on a day to day basis? Truthfully, it sucks. I'd take optimism & a big bank account over depression & crushing credit card debt any day of the week.)

At the other end of the spectrum, Wal-Mart and others under more pressure to get their financially squeezed shoppers to spend, are offering more discounts and pushing smaller packages at the end of the month when shoppers have less money.

(I have a suggestion for Wal-Mart. Since Wal-Mart's only goal appears to be squeezing every last cent out of their clientele, they should just arm their greeters. Then, when anyone comes in to shop, the greeter can just get their wallets at the door. It would cut down on useless practices like stocking shelves since most of what Wal-Mart sells is shoddily constructed junk that will fall apart within weeks after purchase anyway. Not to mention the boost in self esteem all those greeters would experience as they're mutated from invisible & ignored oldsters into modern day versions of Jesse James. I can think of one guy, a Wal-Mart senior with no legs who always seems to look so sad & lost as he sits in his wheelchair at my local Wal-Mart, who would benefit greatly from this plan.)

CVS Caremark Corp. announced Wednesday it was offering a new program for its loyalty card members to earn free $10 gas cards for every $30 they spend on certain items from Sunday through Aug. 28. Eligible offerings, from soda to household cleaning products, will be listed in an advertising circular and highlighted on store shelves with a gas tank logo.

Target, whose shoppers' median household income is $60,000, said Wednesday that it's the better-off customers who are driving its revenue growth. The rest of its customers are focusing on necessities like food, resulting in some sales declines in the rest of the store.

(I understand that CVS is also contemplating having a "let your cute daughter blow the manager for discounts" day. Not to be outdone, Target, always in the market for PC friendly publicity, will also include "cute sons" in the offer.)

"The importance of delivering everyday low price has never been as great, as our customers are consolidating trips due to higher gas prices," said Bill Simon, CEO and president of Wal-Mart's U.S. division.

(Man, nothing warms my heart more than seeing the neat & creative ways American CEOs insert economic destruction into their marketing strategies. What more could a nation of consumers want from a reality anyway?)

Alfred E. Neuman III, Esq.

"His thoughts trickled, disjointed, timid. He decided the poets and the painters,
the sculptors and the writers, the crackpot theologians and their excommunicated kin,
and the mystics had it right. Reality was a makeshift prop, an amalgamation of
agreed-upon conjecture, a consensus of self-limiting parameters and paradigms
made palatable by endless speculation fueled by madness and hope
and no mean amount of good dope. Rubber science, bouncing like a handball
off the nonexistent wall of a metaphysical gulag."

Friday, May 13, 2011

My Ejaculate Is Myrrh Like In Its Rarity, My Feces Frothy As The Finest Meringue

Standing in my local grocer's checkout line tonight I saw Osama's mug staring back at me from the Globe.

One of the headlines read "Navy seals send him to Hell."

Right next to Osama, Katy Holmes was "confirming" that her "bump" was really a baby rather than a new found side effect of Twinky addiction.

Underneath Osama, Jillian Michaels' man face stared out over her cut abs.

Since Osama was Hell bound, I couldn't help wondering if he hit Jillian in the head on his way down.

Next to Osama, Us/People/OK had a daring photo expose showing "the stars" sans makeup.

All around me, harried nobodies scurried about clutching bits of overpriced eatables.

Earlier, in the fresh fruit section, an old lady engaged me in a conversation about rising food prices. It was easy to see the fear in her eyes.

So, who gets to go to Hell for that bit of terrorism?

I suppose the short answer is "no one."

Some bits of thuggery are frowned on here.
Others, not so much.

A few weeks back 900,000 people were turned away from McDonalds.



I came home to find my 13 year old watching some VH1 rock history time waster where a bunch of barely famous yoo-hoos were slobbering over Kurt Cobain's corpse.
Bandying about phrases like "game changer" & "voice of our generation" as if they actually had meaning.

The real "voice" of each new "generation" isn't some suicidal rocker. The real voice is the marketer & adman who tells these dipshits who to love & who to kill.

The songs are just jingles gestating in their pre-jingle phase. The musicians, if they live long enough, will prove this by eventually pushing beer & Escalades on their dedicated fan base.

It is all so amazingly pointless.

Yet it never changes.

We've built a completely hollow illusion here in the West. An empty house filled with nothing much at all. The really bad thing is that, while constructing our particle board & wood glued "reality," we've been neglecting reality as if it had leprosy.

Thursday, May 12, 2011


RALEIGH, N.C. — If there had been time, Marie Exley would have liked to start a family. Instead, the 32-year-old Army veteran has less than six months left, which she'll spend spreading a stark warning: Judgment Day is almost here.

Exley is part of a movement of Christians loosely organized by radio broadcasts and websites, independent of churches and convinced by their reading of the Bible that the end of the world will begin on May 21, 2011.

To get the word out, they're using billboards and bus stop benches, traveling caravans of RVs and volunteers passing out pamphlets on street corners. Cities from Bridgeport, Conn., to Little Rock, Ark., now have billboards with the ominous message, and mission groups are traveling in countries from Latin America to Africa to spread the news outside the U.S.

"A lot of people might think, 'The end's coming, let's go party,'" said Exley, a veteran of two deployments in Iraq. "But we're commanded by God to warn people. I wish I could just be like everybody else, but it's so much better to know that when the end comes, you'll be safe."

In August, Exley left her home in Colorado Springs, Colo., to work with Oakland, Calif.-based Family Radio Worldwide, the independent Christian ministry whose leader, Harold Camping, has calculated the May 21 date based on his reading of the Bible.

She is organizing traveling columns of RVs carrying the message from city to city, a logistics challenge that her military experience has helped solve. The vehicles are scheduled to be in five North Carolina cities between now and the second week of January, but Exley will shortly be gone: overseas, where she hopes to eventually make it back to Iraq.

"I don't really have plans to come back," she said. "Time is short."

'Definitely against the grain'
Not everyone who's heard Camping's message is taking such a dramatic step. They're remaining in their day-to-day lives, but helping publicize the prophecy in other ways. Allison Warden, of Raleigh, has been helping organize a campaign using billboards, postcards and other media in cities across the U.S. through a website, We Can Know.

The 29-year-old payroll clerk laughs when asked about reactions to the message, which is plastered all over her car.

"It's definitely against the grain, I know that," she said. "We're hoping people won't take our word for it, or Harold Camping's word for it. We're hoping that people will search the scriptures for themselves."

Camping, 89, believes the Bible essentially functions as a cosmic calendar explaining exactly when various prophecies will be fulfilled.

The retired civil engineer said all his calculations come from close readings of the Bible, but that external events like the foundation of the state of Israel in 1948 are signs confirming the date.

"Beyond the shadow of a doubt, May 21 will be the date of the Rapture and the day of judgment," he said.

The doctrine known as the Rapture teaches that believers will be taken up to heaven, while everyone else will remain on earth for a period of torment, concluding with the end of time. Camping believes that will happen in October.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Liberals Are Cute When They're Bloodthirsty

In deference to Eric, whose criticism of my cheerleader choice was spot on, I give you the true face of cheerleading in America, & I give it to you in tandem.
Any doubts, go see for yourselves.


Monday, May 2, 2011



Yahoo has abandoned their automatic frivolous news story scroll. They've had Obama's execu...oops...Usama's execution front & center all day.

Really not surprised.

We're blood thirsty bastards to the core.

Muslims, Buddhists, Christians, Liberals, Conservatives...

Blood always gets our attention.

As long as it isn't ours.

All blathering peaceniks yattering on about "humanity" & "ethics" & "activism" & "Hollywood style PR" & "feeling lost" are still rubbernecking at the accident scene.

The RI Forum had 12 pages by 9:30 in the AM.

All I could wonder is, 'Does no one have a fucking job?'

They kvetch & whimper about the PR nature of the execution as they simultaneously yatter on about how their Twitter & IM & emails are going crazy.

They are as embedded in the illusory "social network" that has been manufactured for them by the same folk who kill for them as those patriotic rubes out waving flags at 3 in the AM.

Who is really naive enough to believe that anyone in this country, other than those unfortunates who lost family members on 911, actually cares about Osama's role or non-roll in 911?

It's just another victory for TEAM USA.
Our concessions stands have long been known to sell substandard hot dogs & watered down beer.
Our ticket prices have been increasing at an alarming rate while our stadium seating rots & our concrete ramps buckle.
Not to mention the outrageous gouging that's occurring in our shuttle & other transportation services.
Our fans have watched us mount offense after offense, with little or no gain to show for "our" efforts...

They needed a touchdown.

They needed a win.

After Coach Obama delivered his prerequisite after game pep talk, League representative Clinton stepped out and informed everyone that what we thought was a championship game, was really just one in a long line of play-off games to come.

[cue applause]

[cue crowd roar]



Go America!