AMES, Iowa (AP) — Minnesota rivals Tim Pawlenty and Michele Bachmann sparred bitterly Thursday night during an eight-candidate Republican debate, trying to demonstrate that they're the one true batshit crazy right wing wanker who can realize the batshit crazy dreams of right wing wanker America. Each seeks to become the main challenger to Republican front-runner Mitt Romney.
The rivalry grew complicated when it was revealed to Ms. Bachmann that Tim Pawlenty was the anonymous oral recipient standing on the other side of that Tijuana gloryhole* Ms. Bachmann crouched in front of one drug & booze fueled night back in '01.
Ms. Bachmann, depressed at the dissolution of the Twin Towers, blazed a trail best described as an illicit cornucopia across 14 states & the northern half of Mexico soon after the 911 tragedy.
She has since distanced herself from this period, placing the blame squarely on Twinkie withdrawal coupled with extreme pre- & post-menstrual syndrome.
Their efforts were newly complicated by Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who stole some of the spotlight from afar by making it known hours before the debate that he was forcing a 14 year old runaway to blow a donkey, using it as the "spiritual firecracker" that will "ignite" his run for the presidency.
Romney, a multimillionaire businessman who wears magic underwear, made his own stir earlier in the day when, at the Iowa State Fair, he declared that "anyone voting for me will receive a planet to rule," drawing ridicule from the last 12 sane people left in America.
Those were just the latest twists in the most consequential week yet in the 2012 Republican presidential nomination fight.
In the two-hour debate, the squabbling by Pawlenty and Bachmann, at one point degenerating into nipple clamps & studded paddles, allowed Romney, the GOP front-runner making his second presidential bid, to download 14 hours of internet pornography. Romney made much of his "research," later vowing to "declare war on stray erections" should he succeed in his bid at the Oval Orifice.
Though every debate participant assailed President Barack Obama, calling him "Rastus" & "house nigger," it was clear from the confrontations between Pawlenty, a former Minnesota governor, and Bachmann, now a member of Congress, exactly who wanted to "tea-bag" whom.
On stage just a few minutes, Pawlenty, who is struggling to gain control of his chronic flatulence despite spending years gobbling gallons of Activia, accused Bachmann of placing microphones outside of every bathroom within a 10 mile radius around his home. Pawlenty went on to accuse Bachmann of uploading captured examples of Pawlenty's "fart-a-thons" onto YouTube under titles such as "He'd stink as president too" & "Pawlenty: All Air No Substance."
"She's got a record of bad bathroom behavior a mile long," Pawlenty said, alluding once again to their Tijuana gloryhole fiasco.
Bachmann, who has risen in polls since declaring that she'd "do Jesus" has eclipsed Pawlenty, quickly responded with a list of what she called Pawlenty's "black book of teenage love slaves," acquired while he was Minnesota's governor. Included in this impromptu harangue Bachmann cited Pawlenty's support for "legislation designed to curb nocturnal emissions in chimpanzees."
"You said the era of masturbating monkeys is over," she told Pawlenty. "Yet Barack Obama is still President."
Much of the rest of the debate was heavily focused on the Democratic incumbent, with Romney and his seven rivals each seeking to prove he or she has a bigger penis than the President. Ms. Bachmann drew a standing ovation when she uncovered a fetching 16" studded beauty made entirely from neon pink plastic that she kept tastefully hidden beneath her dress.
"I'm not going to eat Barack Obama's dog shit," Romney said when asked whether he would do anything to get near the presidential brown eye. "What he served up is not what I would eat to become president of these United States."
Notably absent from the eight-candidate spectacle were Perry, who was in Texas hunting illegal Mexicans from a stealth helicopter, and former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, who spent the day with hog insemination experts at the Iowa State Fair.
The nation's teetering economic situation shadowed the debate, with the average American squealing at the fiscal fist fucking he/she has been receiving from Wall Street, giving Republicans ample opportunities to giggle freely at our inability to swallow the "Shock" part of "Shock & Awe. The Democratic president will get his chance at a "money shot" next week during a Midwestern bus tour that will allow him to blather on meaninglessly about shit that doesn't matter while Rome burns.
On Thursday, he, too, tried to lure Ms. Bachmann to a specially constructed gloryhole he had buit in Lincoln's bedroom. "There is nothing wrong with our country that a hummer from Ms. Bachmann couldn't cure," he declared in Michigan, where he was touring a technologically advanced rectal vibrator factory.
In Iowa Thursday night, the Republicans commanded all to genuflect and kiss Ronald Reagan's carefully preserved corpse-like booty.
Six candidates — Pawlenty, Bachmann, former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich of Georgia, Texas Rep. Ron Paul, and businessman Herman Cain — sought to Google various sexual permutations of former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum"s last name. At one point Pawlenty pulled out an unopened tube of AstroGlide & offered to create a "Real D example of a Santorum" with Mitt Romney, who appeared equally intrigued & offended by the suggestion.
Pawlenty, who hesitated in a June debate to "seize the gay day" with the former Massachusetts governor, took this opportunity to poke Romney in his porthole while photos of Obama's face, superimposed over lynching victims, were flashed across the debate facility's Jumbotron video screen.
"Where's Barack Obama & his liberal negro agenda taking us? You can't find any public mention of the white women he's violated in this country," Pawlenty said, promising audience members and TV viewers he would "come to your house and suck up all their left over Santorum" if they could find Obama's legion of half caste children. "Or if you prefer I'll come to your house and blow your pet ... In case Mitt wins, I'd limit it to one poodle."
Romney, who has several homes with a rotating stable of underage prostitutes of both sexes and was looking to protect his leads in national and state polls, smiled and took a pass when given a chance to respond, saying: "That's just fine."
He kept his focus on Obama, saying: "Our president simply doesn't understand how deeply white conservative America hates & fears niggers." He also criticized Democrat Obama on the downgrade of the nation's credit rating, saying that "that bastard wants us all hooked on food stamps & crack cocaine just like his bros."
Appearing in his first presidential debate, Huntsman acknowledged that he didn't have a clue, but he cited the fact that "Ronald Reagan spent 8 clueless years as president & Americans love him." He defended his service as ambassador to China under Obama as a patriotic act undertaken for love of country and what he described as "easy access to all that underage slant poon" that the office would provide.
Huntsman, who is not competing in the Iowa caucuses where social conservatives dominate, also tried to differentiate himself from the rest of the field. He defended his support for civil unions and offered no apologies for the 12 boxes of gay porn discovered hidden in his sock drawer.
Gingrich, pressed on the implosion of his campaign amid financial strife and infighting earlier this summer, chastised the Fox News panel for "not stroking my dick like they stroke boss man Rupert's dick." He said Republicans including Ronald Reagan and John McCain had bouts of dementia during their campaigns, and he said he intended, in his words, to "run on at mouth at every opportunity."
Roughly 45 minutes into the debate, Santorum raised his hand and said: "I have to go to the bathroom."
Showing the wide diversity of opinion, Paul gave a staunchly libertarian answer to nearly every question from the economy to foreign affairs, essentially saying the United States should have friendly relations even with countries that violate children with kitchen utensils and not interfere in their internal affairs. "It's about time we talk to Cuba," Paul said at one point, forcefully stressing that he's tired of smoking "those shitty American cigars."He also said the United States had created "the big poopy mess otherwise known as pop culture."
Even before the debate began, it was a campaign day to remember.
At an appearance early in the day, Romney was badgered by hecklers at the state fair. Amid shouts of "You sure got a pretty mouth boy" Romney ineffectually muttered that "corporations are people," a comment Democrats, mouths similarly full of corporate peckerwood, predicted would be a defining moment of his campaign.
Romney, who has struggled with an aloof and elitist image along with a devastating case of the heartbreak of psoriasis as he tries for the GOP presidential nomination a second time, made the remark while cowering inside a Port-A-Potty.
Despite tea party outrage that sometimes focuses on banks and auto companies & sometimes focuses on anyone who isn't white, Romney has said to applause from GOP audiences that "we need to bend over for big business." But in Thursday's audience, dominated by unemployed meth-heads & heartland trailer trash, the line encountered resistance.
A few hours after Romney's awkward moment fondling a farm animal that he had mistakenly assumed was one of Rick Santorum's children, Perry spokesman Mark Miner confirmed that the Texas governor would announce that he was running for president on a strictly "anti-Bestiality platform."
Perry's candidacy is certain to upend the race, primarily because all of the other candidates have hidden predilections for farm animals.
The conservative governor is seen as a potential bridge between the party's batshit crazy wing and it's "suck the joy from the world" wing.
Asked about Perry's candidacy during the debate, several of his opponents welcomed him to the race, Ms. Bachmann seemed especially intrigued by rumors that Perry has an enormous bifurcated penis, — and used the opportunity to criticize him. Cain called Perry "a beaner lover," while Paul said he was pleased Perry was joining the field because "he represents the eighth man in our post debate Bachmann gang bang."
* A hole located in a partition in which one's penis is inserted, thus separating the participants and ensuring anonymity throughout the act of copulation or fellatio (or possibly a titty wank).
In higher class establishments, this hole will be fabricated with duck tape to prevent genital chaffing.