Friday, August 5, 2011

Don't Bother Reading This Shit

If the economic forecast has you contemplating suicide, fear not, these pop culture trivialities should bolster your sagging self image.

First up, George Clooney is "rebounding" with a wrestler.
No, it's not Jerry Lawler.
It's some chick.
I don't know her name because I don't give a fuck.
I suppose I could supply a link to her "cryptic tweets," but, once again, I don't give a fuck.

Next, Anne Hathaway evidently had nothing to say about her role as Catwoman. But some "journalist" (snicker snicker gaffaw) wrote an article about it.
I don't have the link because I didn't read the story primarily because I don't give a fuck.

In Dallas, some celebrity showed up at Cowboy training camp to do something with someone.
Details are sketchy because I don't give a fuck about the damn details.

Also some football team did something to one of its players. The player's name was Andy.
Any other details are irrelevant because...c'mon say it with me...I don't give a fuck.

Somebody in Paris filmed a UFO that looks exactly like a shooting star. Damn those shifty reptoid bastards and their "wheee I can mimic a meteor" cloaking devices.

In further sports news, some humongous hunk of meat threw a tantrum because...gee, I don't know why he threw the tantrum because I don't really give a fuck.

On the political front, most Americans seem to be sick of Congress. Of those polled, 27% had trouble spelling "Congress," while a whopping 82 7/33% admitted they were just too fat & lazy to do anything about their dissatisfaction & disillusionment.

Clinton (Hillary or Billary...your guess is as good as mine) said Syria kills people.
Syria needs to take a cue from the U.S. Killing people is so 20th century. It's much better to allow them to wallow in their own dysfunctional & trivial poo, flopping around like porky piglets in a sty.

From the news desk concerned with things that seem to concern women comes the tale about some pudgy guy in shorts who was caught on camera propositioning some pudgy chick in shorts. Damn they grow hookers larger these days...oh shit, my wife just pointed out that the guy was "proposing" not propositioning the pudgy chick.
My bad.

Additional Celebrity Spews has Ben Stiller, proving once & for all that fame & fortune don't necessarily require talent or good looks, pocketing another huge chunk of change for not doing much of anything.

Finally, I learned how to properly flatter a date. (Well, I would have if I would have clicked on the link, but I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Shocking right?)

I also learned about a documentary called "PROGRAMMING THE NATION."
A film that asks the daring question "ARE WE ALL BRAINWASHED?"
A real eye popper I'm sure. Chocked full of oodles of instances where the elite's hidden agenda is daringly uncovered by the intrepid docudramatist.
I've no doubt that many conspiracy advocates have huge raging "Oswald sniper's rifle" hard ons over this one, but I can't help stifling a huge yawn.
Does anyone really need to waste another 90 minutes of their life rehashing the obvious? If you need a refresher, 5 minutes of TV time should do the trick. If not, you're just too fucking thick for it to matter one teensy tiny bit anyway. Truthfully your money would be better spent on a case of beer.
Or maybe some heroin.
I hear black tar is coming back in a big way.
As always, drooling on yourself is optional.

Be seeing you.

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