Sunday, December 4, 2011

Personal Shit That I'm Making Public Because I Have A Narcissistic Need To Publicly Air My Dirty Laundry Much Like The Internut Wankers I Belittle

On Nov. 26, 2008, then Bank of America Corp. Chief Executive Officer Kenneth D. Lewis wrote to shareholders that he headed “one of the strongest and most stable major banks in the world.” He didn’t say that his Charlotte, North Carolina-based firm owed the central bank $86 billion that day.

(One has to love the versatility of Keifer Sutherland. First he fought Middle Eastern terrorism in "24," then he shilled for economic terrorism in "2011.")

Bank Of America is my own personal obsession. It is almost 2 years since B of A commenced foreclosure proceedings on my mother's house. They were seeking to recoup $60 thousand plus in loans by taking a house worth about $20,000. Add to that the $77,000 + it costs for the average foreclosure, & we're talking about a ball park figure of a little over $140,000.

Let's try a little math.

$20,000 ≠ $140,000

Nor will $20,000 ever equal $140,000.

Maybe that's the real secret of banking. Maybe banker's have access to some arcane mathematical formula that allows one to make $20,000 magically equal $140,000.

Or, better yet, maybe they're really alchemists who have discovered the fabled philosopher's stone, possession of which allows the owner to translate shit into silver sheckels.

Maybe it isn't really a stone at all. Maybe it's a Golem-like homunculus, assembled by mixing sputum with sphagnum moss & semen & plain old mud, then animated with a small piece of paper inscribed with the secret name of Alan Greenspan shoved deeply into it's mouth. This magical being could then provide access to the land where 2 + 2 = -4,683,000, up is sideways & black is really lavender with attitude.

Whatever the truth, banking has now replaced televangelism as #1 on my "Career paths I wish I would have taken" list.

2 Golem-like Homunculi Caught Devouring The Souls Of The Unborn


Morocco Bama said...

Hey, the new Bubble Industry.....our prolonged deaths.

This is why I hope to God there is no after-life, because these vampires would follow you into it in an effort to exploit you for eternity.

just_another_dick said...

Hmmmm...that would explain why the hospice we used sends us monthly reminders about "our loss."
It would also explain why they send us an annual Maudlin Death Day card on the anniversary of my mom's death.

Just keeping their product fresh in my mind I suppose.