Republican and Democratic leaders have agreed on a plan to raise Miss America's skirts & give her the fucking she's been begging for, President Obama announced Sunday night.
The announcement arrives after months of intense closed-door groveling as each party vies for the much coveted "Rich Man's Bitch" spot in the U.S. Penitentiary, and just two days before the deadline set by the Treasury Department. (These "cliffhanger" endings have become mandatory in a society dominated by the pop culture goulash of cop shows, doctor dramas & big budget fiascoes like Transformers.)
According to the details available, the agreement would allow the growth known as "government" to continue, over the next decade, shoveling our last few pennies into the coffers of the ruling class while allowing enough borrowing to put off another vote to raise the ceiling to 2013, ensuring that the 2012 presidential winner will have ample time to force his fist further up our collective asses. About $1 trillion will be cut immediately, and the details of the remaining spending reductions will be obfuscated by a bipartisan committee of 12 corrupt ho-bags from both chambers, who will recommend that Americans "just bend over & take it like a serf." To appease the GOP's conservative wing, Obama will spend a portion of his remaining term appearing only in white face, while his speeches will strictly adhere to their carefully constructed "Yessa Massa" template.
"I want to announce that the leaders of both parties, in both chambers, have fellated their way to an agreement that will reduce the deficit and avoid default--by increasing the deficit while pushing off default until a more politically expedient time," Obama said. "Now, is this the deal I would have preferred? No. . . . But this con-promise does demonstrate to our owners that we like it on our knees, puckering & smooching, and each party is equally committed to oral insemination by our betters."
House Speaker John Boner held a conference call Sunday evening with House Republicans in which he urged them to support the package, declaring that the deal in place not only "meets our principles of smaller government, but also allows us ample leeway to screw the little guy right in his or her flaccid & flabby keister."
"There is a framework that we can strap Miss America to that would completely restrict Her movements while enabling us to just cut off her skirts entirely. This contraption would allow a larger number of over zealous wealthy frat boys to squirt their illicit seed into Miss America's nether regions, while further impoverishing Her children," he said, according to a transcript provided by Boner's office. Boner reiterated by saying, "Now listen, go fuck yourselves."
With the approval of leaders of the House and Senate, and Tuesday's deadline looming, Congress must act quickly to distribute the required amounts of K-Y lube to their soon to be corn-holed constituency. The deal will require that passive Americans remain passive as they're herded towards the bread line.
Senate Minority Leader Bitch McCummell and Majority Leader Hairy "The Crotch" Reid will both unzip their flies & present their cocks to us Monday at 11 a.m. with beer & underage hookers expected afterward.
