Sunday, January 16, 2011

You Can Never Start Christmas Shopping Too Early

Okay, okay, I'm not much of a blogger. I admit, it was fun for a while, but the idea that every one of my mental farts has to be recorded for all eternity has gotten very fucking old.

Here's the actual truth.

I don't have a fucking clue.

Keep that in mind as we progress because I'll prove it.

Having said that, I must also say that I'm not very timely. For example, we're now in the middle of January and I'm just getting around to posting a few suggestions for your Christmas gift giving obligations.


Maybe you can keep these in mind for next year. I think they would be ideal for any child.

First up, we have a board game called "Missionary Conquest.

Conquer the world---for Christ! This challenging board game tests not only your navigational skills as you travel around the world on mission trips, but also your ability to finance these expeditions by making wise investments. ''Temptation'' and ''Blessing'' squares add to the fun and keep the action going. Everyone can play because no Bible knowledge is required!

Gosh, doesn't that sound like the bees knees? Conquest, Christ, and Capitalism all wrapped in one neat little board game. Of course, once you dip in these waters, you'll feel compelled to purchase the soon-to-be-released second offering in their "Missionary" series, "The Missionary Position."

Conquer the Demon of Lust---for Christ! This challenging board game tests not only your ability to swallow bullshit, but also your ability convince the woman in your life to swallow bullshit at the expense of her own orgasm. Everyone can play because all you need is genitalia.

Next up, I give you, what I think is, the ideal aid in keeping your kid on the path of righteousness and out of Safeway parking lots. Its the perfect answer to any kid who thinks that Jesus was just a pussy with all that pantywaist "turn the other cheek" and "love your enemy" twaddle.

Join Michael and the Guardian Force as they engage Morg and his minions in an epic celestial battle between good and evil! Awesome adventure awaits your young spiritual warriors in this game of strategy as they race across the board and block their opponent's attempts to unleash devastating destruction on humankind. Fast-paced fun for two players, ages 7 and up.

Nothing banishes those "Jesus was a lefty flamer" blues quite like a few hours spent portraying a buff comic book angel.


My next offering allows you to reinsert your child into the everyday world while still maintaining the proper levels of blood lust necessary for a true disciple of "The Prince of Peace."

The action-packed contest between good and evil continues in this exciting family board game inspired by the hit movie! Correct answers during the pre-rapture section earn redemption tokens, which are of great value once post-rapture play begins. Players then band together in the Tribulation Force to defeat Carpathia---or face elimination. For two to six players, ages 10 and up.

Wow! Pre-Rapture quizzes & post-Rapture play...what more could a kid possibly need?

Finally, we have "America:The Game."

Celebrate the American experience and your spiritual heritage with this action quiz game! Be the first to advance your three pioneers from the eastern seaboard to the west coast---but you must strategically plan your route as you answer questions about the history of America from 1492 to the 1950s. Includes game board, 512 question cards, 64 hazard/blessing cards, 18 pawns, a die, and instructions. Two to six players.

Now how cool is that? Your child will get to experience the construction of America without all the messy slaughter & slavery & greed & psychosis that went into building the real deal.

Now that I've gotten Xmas out of the way, it's time to prove, beyond a shadow of doubt, that I haven't got a fucking clue.

Originally, I was going to play with one of the Tuscon shooter's claims about language & how it can be used to alter & create reality. Although, Loughner's Internet mentor, David Wynn Miller, and his gibberish & jargon laden arguments seem designed to debunk such ideas by associating them with the credulous & gullible.

While I'm completely unclear about how the addition of a semi-colon will remove one from taxation, those board games above demonstrate, quite succinctly, how easy it is turn a phrase like "love your enemy" into its complete opposite.

This bit of verbal magick is done so often on television that it has become ubiquitous to the medium. Viewers are constantly bombarded with imagery equating spiritual & emotional fulfillment with material acquisition. Materials worth acquiring at any price.

These tactics have been so successful, Americans didn't, for a moment, question why "a lifestyle," a nice Madison Avenue illusion, was worth going to war over.
In fact, Madison Avenue owes its entire existence to its adeptness at controlling thought by manipulating language, symbol & image.

But then I read The New York Times & saw my error.

Even before the Jared L. Loughner acted weirdly and darkly in so many ways that singling out any one aspect may defy sense. Nonetheless, for bizarreness, his rants about grammar stand out.

As Mr. Loughner has tried to explain it in Web postings, English grammar is not merely usage that enjoys common acceptance. Rather, it is nothing less than a government conspiracy to control people’s minds. Perhaps more bizarre, even potentially troubling, is that he is not the only one out there clinging to this belief. Some grammarians say they hear it more often than you may think.

“It is completely off the wall,” said Patricia T. O’Conner, the author of several books on grammar, including “Woe Is I.”

“But I’m not actually that surprised,” said Ms. O’Conner, who also writes a blog,, with her husband, Stewart Kellerman. “I get mail once in a while from people who believe that it’s wrong to try to reinforce good English because it’s some kind of mind-control plot, and English teachers are at the bottom of this. For anyone to say that subject and verb should agree, for example, is an infringement of your freedoms, and you have a God-given right to speak and use whichever words you want, which of course you do.

“But they see it as some sort of plot to standardize people’s minds and make everyone robotically the same.”

One person identified with this notion is a Milwaukee man named David Wynn Miller, who prefers to render his name as :David-Wynn: Miller and who says that people must free themselves of a government he deems tyrannical. But Mr. Miller has distanced himself from Mr. Loughner and rejected suggestions that his own online writings over the years may have inspired the rampage in Tucson.

Y'see, any idea that language can manipulate & enslave is just a "bizarre rant" that would be "completely off the wall."

Gee, I'm glad the NYT cleared that up for me. Now I can save myself the inevitable embarrassment that goes hand in hand with all delusions that allude to government plots to manipulate perception by manipulating language & symbols & imagery.


Morocco Bama said...

This is some vintage Richard. Great post. I love it, I love it, I love it!!!!!

If you keep it up, though, Richard, I'm afraid we're going to have to involuntarily commit you.

Murphy, who worked as a child psychologist before he was elected to Congress, said he hopes members of Congress and those in state Legislatures will be motivated to now "look carefully at their mental health systems and their involuntary commitment system laws," to prevent future attacks.

Seriously, I have a great idea. Why don't we create sane asylums, because this world is clearly insane and sane asylums would be a nice place to go for some real R&R every now and then.

just_another_dick said...

Shit Shrub, you get 3 nutritional meals a day, a bed, diapers, the occasional cute chick entrusted with the sacred & holy task of scrubbing your ball sack till it's nice & shiny.
After she's done scrubbing you're almost compelled by tradition to grab a handful of her breast.
What more does a fella need?

just_another_dick said...

Your CNN link was quite ironic Shrub. Two dour faced twats yammering about mental health underneath BP's "Real Gulf Stories" hunk of manufactured reality.

You seem like a smart fellow Shrub. Maybe you can explain how Loughner, who saw grammar conspiracies everywhere & slaughtered a small group of people he didn't agree with, is "insane," while George Bush, who thought God was talking to him & who blew the living shit out of an entire country because he didn't agree with them, is "sane."

Tucson is "a tragedy" while Iraq is "a victory."

I guess what troubles me the most is that these don't seem to be incredibly astute observations.
Yet they remain elusive to the general population.

ericswan said...

I can't help but be reminded that I'm not an American "yet". I have to believe that underlying all the rhetoric and punctuation is a plan for the survival of the fittest. If it happens to have alien DNA, who can argue with that?

Morocco Bama said...

Users browsing this forum: dqueue, Google [Bot], Jeff, Plutonia and 16 guests

Anonymous said...

Mr. B...

I see my victim and hone in. I lay a barrage of blows upon him. He retaliates and I am satisfied. I'm mentally retarded and he is not. This is the life. Happy as I'll ever be.

Anonymous said...

I for one hope you keep blogging! I have nothing much to add as I feel you pretty much nail it with every post.

Every time I find myself thinking OK maybe I should go on the antidepressants I find others like you who also recognize how totally and depressingly and insanely corrupt and degraded cryptochrisfascica is and...I am heartened.

Bigfoot said...

Keep up the mental farts mate, they're loud, funny, and always cut the mustard. Apart from the time you linked to that 2 girls 1 cup video abomination, that was some sick shit....and some shit sick as well. One for the GG Allin fans. Big ups and props with lolz and a few chuffed emoticons from the nether regions of the globe, cheers -gibfoot.

just_another_dick said...

Gentlemen, while I appreciate the kind words, I wasn't actually fishing for compliments. My reasons were more like:

a. Opening lines for pointless rants are in short supply.

b. I like you folk & I feel the occasional twinge of guilt when I turn off the world & go hide.

c. A friendly reminder that there are people who do timely commentary because they have the time to do timely commentary.

Eric, are you insinuating that America is some kind of tentacled Cthulu sucking you into its voracious maw?
If so, I think you might qualify for a Kewpie doll.

Shrub, ya forced me to go look. So, what's a Google [Bot]?

Mr. B., you bring up a good point. Other than the sudsy gonads & the firm dairy pillow, ya get to belt the occasional yahoo in the mouth with no consequence whatsoever.

Anon, on the one hand, I'm not planning on leaving, but, on the other hand, I'm not planning on staying.
Just don't expect much. That way I'll never disappoint you.

BF, while I hear you, 2G1C ruined my day too, what has amazed me is the number of my co-workers who were quite familiar with 2G1C.
They even had information about that little brown gem of a film.
Allegedly the girls did it for an eightball of coke.
Don't know if it's true.
If it is, I hope they had a really good time with the blow.
They deserved it.

Here's my recurring poo tale, and I ain't talkin' Winnie the...

Every morning, when I enter my building, I have to pass through a vestibule where 3rd shift staff leave the garbage bags filled with nappies soiled during their shift. When I swing open that big metal door the smell just THWAPS me right in the face like a wet dead fish.
It is especially egregious on those swelteringly hot & humid summer mornings when it has had a few hours to baste in the heat.
I'd sooner slice a hunk off my own thigh & eat it than follow the 2G1C-ers.