I seriously have to thank the RI forum crew. I am immensely grateful for the mega-chuckles I've had cruising through the Internut eco-Care Bear wonderland.
Something I wouldn't have done without the RI cult of smug little Googlers.
Originally, I was gonna post this there just to be a wanker, but I lost interest & it languished.
(To be honest, I was afraid they'd wilt me with more sarcasm. I must say, that is one effective weapon. If I were them, sarcasm would definitely be my weapon of choice when those ravening hordes of starving, overweight Americans descend on their veggie gardens. As a back up plan, they can always disable them with irony.)
Then I read Chris Hedge's new book, The Death Of The Liberal Class, & his masterful deconstruction of liberal bullshit inspired me play pile on.
I should add that I spent a large chunk of my youth as a flaming liberal, eternally hopeful that the Democratic Party would eventually do something liberal if I just kept voting for them.
Thus my embarrassing 1st term support for Billary Clinton.
I can still feel the rectal scars from that particularly nasty piece of faux liberal dildo.
I suppose that I've always had suspicions that the eco-Care Bear movement wasn't nearly as fuzzy wuzzy as it sounded. Little did I know how unfuzzy & unwuzzy it really is.
My first exhibit is a web page detailing the "prophetic Earth change visions" of a man named George Shaffer.
From what I can tell from the 15 years of visions he's posted, none of them have come to pass. No "Tsunami hitting Japan." No "Japan's reactors spring leak."
Boy, lucky us, huh?
To be fair, he does post this for 3/12/10:
During meditation I saw a mushroom cloud which would be a result of a nuclear device being detonated above ground. Then I was shown a page of oriental style writing which (of course) I could not read. I was probably being made aware of where this could be happening.
which is disarmingly close to our current state of affairs.
Truthfully, the bulk of the visions are fairly repetitive. Replete with massive volcanoes & jiggly Earth crust & comets raining from the sky, they really become quite boring rather quickly.
Still, George seems like a nice enough fellow, so I'll give him points for sincerity.
But the absolute best part of the site is the little audio clip that clicks on as soon as you land in EarthChangeLand.
Over a soundtrack of, what sounds like, quasi-Universal Monster Movie-like organ music, Mr. Shaffer, in a bizarrely robotic manner, delivers his message of welcome & Earth change.
Cool. George seems to be the Jiminy Cricket of the Earth Change movement, mechanically singing:
All in all, George sounds like the narrator of a bad 50s sci-fi flick.
George even has a page of "UFO visions." That's a surprise. Didn't see that one coming.
Who are we kidding here George? Or should I say VALIS?
My next exhibit is a website called Live Green Or Die. Gosh, sounds like the home of the warrior mystics wing of the eco-Care Bear movement.
The site appears to be a web portal to all things organic.
Let's look at some nifty organic clothing.
One site, called GAIAM, offers eco-friendly clothing to the discerning woman of the eco-Care Bear persuasion. (am I being too gender specific when I use the word "woman?" I understand that liberal "men" tend have blurry gender lines & I'd hate to offend anyone. Maybe I could refer to them as Real D vaginas while the men could be Virtual Penises) Let's see, 1 vest & 1 pair of organic slacks = $100. As an accessory, they also offer a "fair trade" necklace made by Thailand's Karen hill tribe. This goes for $149 dollars. That makes the price tag on this little ensemble ad up to $250 dollars.
The next outfit offered to us is a Mini Thermal Shrug for $58, an Organic Cotton Stretch Cami with Bra for $29 & Organic Bootcut Pants for $68. That comes to $155 for this hot & stylish eco-Care Bear ensemble.
To be fair, this appears semi-cheap compared to the sites offering silk ($149) or hemp ($85) blouses. Now, the hemp clothing wouldn't be bad if I could ball it up & shove it in my bong once it slips out of style in eco-Care Bear Land.
Alas, I fear it ain't so Joe.
Although, it's nice to know that an eco-friendly world will still be a fashion statement world. There are so many sentient Barbie Dolls wandering around, one would hate to think that the brave new world would leave out the "look cutesy & accessorize" contingent of vagina owners.
Okay, enough fashion. Let's move on to a few folk who are pillars of the eco-Care Bear community.
First up, we have Sun Bear, a self styled shaman who predicted periods of hurricanes & tornadoes, continent busting earthquakes, spewing volcanoes, famines & plagues.
I say self styled because some Native Americans doubted his bloodline and dismissed him as a white "wannabe" who ripped off their traditions.
Gee, imagine that...a white guy playing shaman.
Next, we have Gordon Michael Scallion & his Matrix Institute. Gordon offers a newsletter subscription at $69 per year and a map set priced at $50, showing what the world will look like after the earth changes occur & Mommy finishes our collective spanking.
These maps have been provided to Gordon in visions, first in 1979 & then updated periodically since that time. I guess the future is even a bit fuzzy in the spirit world. Maybe Mommy keeps changing Her mind. After all, that's supposed to be a woman's prerogative. Oops, I said "woman," didn't I? I meant to type "real D vagina." My bad.
Let's look at some of Gordon's visionary bulls...oops...I mean, visionary wisdom.
• Two years before the current economic crisis began Gordon Michael Scallion warned readers to prepare for an economic downturn that would rival The Great Depression. Thousands of "Intuitive Flash" members took advantage of Mr. Scallion’s insight and took action.
• A year before New Orleans was hit by a hurricane, Gordon Michael Scallion warned that the city of New Orleans would go under water within the coming year and that coastal residents should get flood insurance to protect their investments.
• When oil was trading at $23 a barrel Gordon Michael Scallion warned that oil would hit $50 on its way up to over $100 a barrel. Many readers dumped their gas guzzlers for Mr. Scallion’s recommended hybrid vehicles.
• When gold was trading at $350 Gordon Michael Scallion predicted gold would break $1,000 and silver $20 in 2007 or 2008. Many readers took Mr. Scallion’s advice and diversified their holdings to include some gold and silver.
• In 1992 Gordon Michael Scallion warned that student violence would erupt especially at schools. Mr. Scallion stated that this was caused by metaphysical influences and would continue until the world moved from a materialist society to a spiritual one.
• At the May 2007 Edgar Cayce Prophecy Conference, 19 months before the U.S. Presidential election, Mr. Scallion while in a higher intuitive state of consciousness was asked, “Who will be the next U.S. President?“ Mr. Scallion responded, “Lincoln will occupy the White House.“ Answering a follow up question, “Who is Lincoln,” Mr. Scallion replied, "Obama."
Hmmm...diversified investments? Gold & silver ownership? Hybrid vehicles? Obama is Lincoln? (Given Honest Abe's secret dislike for our darker citizens, this particular incarnation must be quite the bummer)
Gee, I'm beginning to think that the eco-Care Bear movement is comprised of upscale wealthy liberals.
There's also the really disturbing "stench of whitebread" around this whole movement.
Surely, that can't be true, can it? Upscale liberals who privately avoid the unwashed masses they publicly champion. Although, it would explain why early Earth Changers had a creepy fondness for The Phoenix Liberator & its end times Bloody Mary sprinkled with anti-Jewish paprika screeds.
Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, depending on your level of cynicism, the disturbing "whitebread stench" seems to float around a great many liberal institutions. For instance, my last foray into Mother Jones Land revealed a magazine made up of white liberals with a "minority" fetish. Lots of photos capturing the American low rent minority in his/her native habitat, but no minority voices evident in the actual writing.
I won't even get into the other disturbing fog cloud wafting up, like bad taco & beer farts, from the nether regions of the eco-Care Bear movement This would be their tendency to commandeer indigenous knowledge for their own selfish ends. Let's ask Maria Sabina
to give her thoughts on the Western co-opting of her culture.
"From the moment the foreigners arrived, the 'holy children' lost their purity. They lost their force, they ruined them. Henceforth they will no longer work. There is no remedy for it"
But hey, she got to meet Dylan & Lennon & Jagger & Richards. Loss of one's own culture is, I think, a small price to pay for even a tiny smidge of western celebrity cult-ure, don't ya think?
I will say that it is amazing how all of these anti-capitalist eco-Care Bears have little problem with capitalism as long as the money flows towards them.
Finally, we have John Seed, author of Thinking Like A Mountain: Towards A Council Of All Being. Wow! "Thinking like a mountain?" I suppose this sounds difficult doesn't it? For me, it works best when I imagine that I'm playing a game of 'rock, paper, scissors.' Just without the paper & scissors part.
John created a series of eco-role playing games called the Council Of All Beings.
We'll let John seed our discussion with his wisdom.
"The Council of All Beings is a series of re-Earthing rituals created by myself and Joanna Macy to help end the sense of alienation from the living Earth that most of us feel, and to connect us with new sources of joy, commitment and inspiration that follow from union with Gaia."
"In the Council of All Beings we weave together three important themes:
After preliminaries to introduce ourselves to each other and build up trust, we begin with a MOURNING ritual. It is only to the extent that we will allow ourselves to feel the pain of the Earth, that we can be effective in Her healing. As Joanna Macy points out "Deep ecology remains a concept without the power to transform our awareness, unless we allow ourselves to feel - which means feeling the pain within us over what is happening to our world. The workshop serves as a safe place where this pain can be acknowledged, plumbed, released. Often it arises as a deep sense of loss over what is slipping away - ancient forests and clean rivers, birdsong and breathable air. It is appropriate then to mourn - for once at least, to speak our sorrow and, when appropriate, to say goodbye to what is disappearing from our lives. As participants let this happen, in the whole group or in small clusters, there is hopelessness expressed. There is also something more: a rage welling up and a passionate caring.
The energy previously locked up in the denial of these feelings is released and becomes available to us. The sense of numbness and paralysis evaporates and we prepare for action.
Then we move on to exercises which assist the REMEMBERING of our rootedness in nature. For instance in the evolutionary remembering, we use guided visualisation and movement/dance to recapitulate our entire evolutionary journey and release the memories locked in our DNA. We invite the experience that every cell in our body is descended in an unbroken chain from the first cell that appeared on the Earth 4 billion years ago, through fish that learned to walk the land, reptiles who's scales turned to fur and became mammals, evolving through to the present.
We further extend our sense of identity in the Council of All Beings itself where, after finding an ally in the natural world and making a mask to represent that ally, we discover that we can indeed give voice to the voiceless ones. In Council, we lend our voices to the animals and plants and features of the landscape and are shocked at the very different view of the world that emerges from their dialogue. Creative suggestions for human actions emerge and we invoke the powers and knowledge of these other life-forms to empower us in our lives.
The Council also provides tools for practicing our deep ecology in our daily lives. As many participants in this work have discovered, alignment with our larger identity clarifies, dignifies and heals our personal conflicts. We see that the pain of the Earth is our own pain and the fate of the Earth is our own fate. The Council of All Beings empowers us to act on behalf of the Earth and gives us clarity and direction for this work.In the same fashion it clarifies and orders our patterns of consumption, our needs for intimacy and support, our priorities for action."
Wow, I feel healed already.
Although, in my experience, bullshit like this plays out very differently when it's away from the printed page.
Let's see how one participant describes his joyous journey to THE COUNCIL OF ALL BEING:
The preaching was undeniably scary, but the Council itself didn't really work for me. It consisted of play-pretend ritual exercises that were supposed to make us "see" reality from the perspective of animals & plants, but in fact it generated more cringing than tremors. We got going early on Saturday morning, with a loosening up exercise called "Eco-Milling," which involved wandering around in circles and stopping occasionally to hug a stranger, staring into his or her eyes and saying, "I love this person! This person is a valued member of the biotic community!" In the afternoon we nestled in for part one of our "despair work," in which each of us, speaking "as humans," talked about our planetary grief in long, foamy lipped confessionals.
The Council officially opened with everyone's statement of creature identity. Caged Dove, the hipster gent, skittered down his own unique and eloquent path. "I cost $19.95 at the pet store. I cringe. I poop. I realize this is my life. I'm a bird in a cage. I'm the dove." Elephant, predictably, had spent a long time fashioning her mask: a mammoth construction project featuring a long trunk made of tightly twisted newspapers. But on this day she was upstaged by the quiet dignity of Pond, who, after listening to Elephant's long, tearful bugling of despair, turned up her tiny cardboard face and whispered "Lick me-e-e Elephant."
The rhetoric boiled over soon enough, with entities like Baboon, Lizard, and Road Kill giving it everything they had. (Especially Road Kill who wailed: "Three hundred fucking million of us a year! Deer, moose, birds, countless insects who are killed every day by the two-leggeds who have no fur, feathers, or wings and who drive their cars over us!") Then, after, a half hour of shtick, fury, and keening, Seed gave us the cue for final healing to begin.
Amazing. Seed created a forum where whiny liberals could whine to their heart's content, and then he charged them an entrance fee.
Gee, that sounds like capitalism to me. Well, the con man side of capitalism where I pay real money for an illusion draped in marketing. Coincidentally, this seems to be the only form of capitalism that has survived into the 21st century.
While I could literally go on & on with these hilarious eco-Care Bear delusions, I've already typed far too long. I suspect most of you stopped reading long ago.
Which is cool. If I were a fuzzy wuzzy eco-Care Bear, I wouldn't want to read this shit either.
I suppose what really burns my bonnet is that this wonderful liberal Mommy love movement seems to require something I've lacked my entire life, copious amounts of money.
Luckily I don't really give a tinker's tit.
My feelings about collapse survival surprisingly mirror my feelings about Heaven. Whenever a long winded, yet inspired Christian, attempts to shackle me with concern about my immortal soul, I always say the same thing:
"Gosh a'mighty, do you think you're Heaven bound?"
They invariable sputter something like
"I don't know, but I sure hope so. (chuckle, chuckle) Why?"
I reply, "Because, if you're going to be there, I don't want to go."
My feelings on post collapse survival with eco-Care Bears is exactly the same.
Thanks, but no thanks.
Oh, & don't take this as a dismissal of the huuuuuuuuuuuuuuge fucking pile of shit that is most assuredly heading toward our collective fan...
I see it too.
I just haven't figured out a way to commodify that knowledge.
Oh well, another personal failing to add to the list....