Yesterday, I had to drive my daughter to soccer practice and, due to time constraints, I had to waste my money on a Burger King burger for dinner. As I'm sitting outside the drive thru window, the young kid behind the window says, "Sir, would you like any condiments with your meal?"
I say, "Sure. I'd like some ketchup please."
He says, "No problem sir. I'll get that right in there for you."
I say, "Thanks."
Then he hands me the bag and I drive away. As I said earlier, time was short so I decided to masticate my burger & fries at the park where my daughter played soccer.
We get there, my daughter heads to practice & I open my bag of crappy vittles to find, lo & behold, no ketchup.
Evidently the kid was a complete moron.
Seems to be an everyday thing here in America these days.
As I'm eating, I start fantasizing about how cool it would be to be the guy who just snaps when faced with this situation. How this latest in a million of niggling little setbacks just drives him screaming over the edge. He'd race back to the BK with his largest caliber weapon, force the kid to lick ketchup off his boots right before he splattered the kids brains all over the drive thru window. Of course, he'd look exactly like Michael Douglas in Falling Down.
On the positive side, maybe when the kid reincarnates into his next life as a drive thru technician he'd remember to put the fucking ketchup in the bag.
After I masticate my beef Frisbee I drive to Lowes. We have a wasp nest forming on our garage so I need something to kill the little fuckers.
It's nothing personal. It has been fascinating watching them build the thing, but all I hear are the future shrieks of my children as they're stung.
Anyway, I grab my little can of wasp killing spray & head to the check out lane only to realize that, with my previous stop at BK, I've left my wallet in my car.
As I walk out to my car to retrieve my wallet a white car is driving up. Since I'm cutting through the empty parking spaces we both arrive at the same parking space simultaneously. The guy in the car then jerks his wheel so his car momentarily comes at me. As I pass his passenger side the lump of flab in the passenger seat says "Learn to walk faster."
In response, I say, "Tell ya what, you learn to put the fork down Chubso, and I'll learn to walk faster, 'kay?"
Then I walk to my car & retrieve my wallet.
When I turn around, the driver, a big fat lard ass, is standing by his car glaring at me.
My first thought is "Wow, I bet your ass crack hasn't been wiped completely clean in years buddy. As a matter of fact, I bet you leave a little brown stain everywhere you sit."
When I get closer he starts threatening to beat my ass.
I say to him, "Gee buddy, what are you gonna do, pummel me with your titties."
Man, that really pissed him off. So he comes at me.
Now, I've carried a knife since I was a teenager. In the back of my head I'm thinking if Large Larry should manage the impossible & actually hurt me, I'm gonna ram that thing right in his fucking eyeball.
Because, quite frankly, human life doesn't mean all that much to me anymore. Why does this fat tub of goop deserve to live while all the animals it has taken to keep him alive get to die. Seriously, just imagine the larger than normal trail of dead animals that stretch back behind this lard ass. The number of poor unfortunate cows & chickens & pigs that were masticated & ground into fecal matter inside Blimpy's over-sized gut. Hell, I bet some of their trace residue is still caked on his ass crack.
Instead, I just side step at the last second & stick out my foot. Fat boy goes down like a ton...wait a minute, let me amend that, like 17 tons of bricks, face first onto the concrete. He doesn't even get his jiggly arms out to cushion the fall.
I think, "Alrighty then..." Totally fucking amazed that my half assed self defense move actually worked.
I then turn & head into Lowes, pay for wasp poison, and when I come back outside Porky Pig is standing next to his equally Porky Pigged out wife as she dabs a crumpled napkin in an effort to sop up the blood that's all over his pudgy kisser. Hopefully a few teeth were cracked too, just for fun. He sees me and starts whining about how he's gonna call the cops & yadda yadda yadda blah blah blah..."
I look at him and say, "Better lay off the donuts Herbie."
Then I get in my car & drive away.
As I'm driving down the hill away from Lowes a cop car is driving up the other side of the road. I wonder, "Hmmm, is that for me?"
So far though, no knocks at the door.
I can't help thinking, "What the fuck? I go out for wasp spray & I'm suddenly in a confrontation with Lard Bucket the Food Abyss."
By the by, if you're still trying to figure out who the complete loser is, I'll give you a hint, it wasn't Fatso or his equally Fatso wife.
Also, I never actually did anything to Lardy. He did it all to himself. With a little luck, the resultant rise in his blood pressure caused his aorta to blow out after I left.
One can hope, can't one?