Monday, September 27, 2010

Swoosh-sticka, Swoosh-tika, Be My Friend, Manipulate Me Till The Very End

I see that Nike is engaging in a little "renaming & rebranding." I was treated to this little bit of marketing joy 16 times while at work on Sunday.

It looks like "Just Do It" is out & "BOOM" is in. This is, I think, a very astute marketing move on Nike's part since the latest projections have 75% of America mooing its over-sized bovine behind into the SUPER-SIZED category by 2020. Consequently, I doubt there will be much "doing" going on that doesn't involve a comfortable TV & a well stocked snack tray.

This new BOOM mantra is much more flexible, offering a varied palette of uses to the crafty marketer.

Here's just three:

One BOOM can easily couple with another BOOM to make BOOM BOOM, as in "Super-Sized Baby Man Make Boom Boom," an experience the average American will find exceedingly familiar.

Hell, since TV journalism involves someone talking out their ass in an effort to blow smoke up my ass, I can envision that guy up there as a future Walter Cronkite, babbling incoherently as, each morning, he crushes another unsuspecting & innocent toilet, while telling me nothing of any importance whatsoever.

Then we also have the endless marketing possibilities surrounding any future nuclear explosion in a major American city. Whether "true flag" or "false flag," America's eyes will be glued to their TV screens by the sheer horror of the event & also, by that time, they'll be too pudgy to do much else but glue their eyes to their TV screen, allowing Nike copious amounts of airtime to insert their marketing worm into the heads of a terrified & suggestible America.


Thirdly, should any one of a number of projected Hollywood zombie holocausts come true, Nike can strategically embed a big BOOM into, what will most likely be, a growing number of instances of an overweight America pathetically incapable of outrunning dead guys.

(Personally, I'd place the big BOOM right at the point the fat guy kisses turf.)

On the upside, should I find myself on the slavering bloodthirsty flesh eating side of the fence, I'll be guaranteed a proverbial smorgasbord of opportunity.

Honestly, I get a veritable anticipation boner just thinking about the uses of the word


in the days, weeks, months, & years to come.

It's good baby.

It's all good.


Bigfoot said...

Richard, is there a manufacturing plant running at capacity somewhere supplying the world with an unending shit heap of poo brained flag wavers masquerading as pre cooked reproductive gland sausage?

Morocco Bama said...

Boom is so 20th Century. With the advent of Directed Energy Weapons, a more appropriate slogan would be "Poof!"

I'm not playing that youtube of the fat guy on the toilet. Right now I'm eating my killer homemade chicken salad and I don't think it will go too well with fat man shitting on the toilet.

If there are directed weapons that can turn the two largest skyscrapers in the world at the time to dust, then why cyber attack Iran's nuclear installation (that's such a euphemistically innocuous name, isn't it?) when you could just turn it to dust?

I love how the "troofers" latch onto Ahmadinejad to support their ever-changing message. Ahmadinejad is a tyrant who gave us Reagan. I could care less what he has to say about 911. Just because he says it doesn't make it any more or less legitimate.

ericswan said...

A sticky wicket eh wot? It turns out your fat guy was having a porcelain enema which will require a surgical solution to extract the device.

just_another_dick said...

"Richard, is there a manufacturing plant running at capacity somewhere supplying the world with an unending shit heap of poo brained flag wavers masquerading as pre cooked reproductive gland sausage?"

Holy Shit BF, that was fucking great.
To answer your question, I would have to give a resounding "Yeah verily."

I'm not sure what it's corporate name is but I think it's popularly known as PUBLIC EDUCATION here in the US.

By the way, I didn't pick that fat guy because I thought he was a freakish aberration, I picked him because he resembles, in body size & IQ, a helluva lot of people I've met in my life as an Amurican.

Shrub, whether you watch the video or not, your luscious chicken salad is destined to smell exactly like that fat guy's porcelain altar.

Did you see this article?

"If you want to know about God, you might want to talk to an atheist.

"Heresy? Perhaps. But a survey that measured Americans' knowledge of religion found that atheists and agnostics knew more, on average, than followers of most major faiths. In fact, the gaps in knowledge among some of the faithful may give new meaning to the term "blind faith."

"A majority of Protestants, for instance, couldn't identify Martin Luther as the driving force behind the Protestant Reformation, according to the survey, released Tuesday by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life. Four in 10 Catholics misunderstood the meaning of their church's central ritual, incorrectly saying that the bread and wine used in Holy Communion are intended to merely symbolize the body and blood of Christ, not actually become them.

"Atheists and agnostics — those who believe there is no God or who aren't sure — were more likely to answer the survey's questions correctly. Jews and Mormons ranked just below them in the survey's measurement of religious knowledge — so close as to be statistically tied."

Every single fundi-Christian I've ever met in my life will tell me the Bible is the "word of God" and they believe it with all their heart. Then, when I query whether they've read the damn thing cover to cover, the answer is always "no."

I just had a discussion with a new hire Christian who started rambling about how his church is "a good Bible based Church."

First, I asked him if he'd read the Bible. He responded with a big "no."
I asked him ,"Then how do you know your church is "Bible-based" if you've never read it?"

Then I asked him if he believed in "The Rapture."
He said, "Oh yeah."

I said, "But it's not in the Bible."

At that point he just looked amazingly confused, so I broke off the discussion & went and cleaned off the shit covered ass crack of one of "God's Special Little Angels."

Eric, you just mutated that fat guy's video into enema porn.