Wednesday, April 20, 2011

That Old Time Religion Part 1

Given the Easter holiday & the fact that I'm in a sharing mood today, I'd like to talk about one of my on-line addictions. While it doesn't involve compulsive masturbation, it is, in many respects, not much better than having a porn monkey on one's back. I, your humble John Thomas, am addicted to Pastor Steven Anderson.

Anyone here who has traveled through the on-line conspiracy community will remember Pastor Anderson from this video:

This video was the rage of the millisecond a few months after Obama assumed his role as chief attendant at our little red, white & blue outhouse.
It was touted as unassailable evidence that we are on the road to fascism & concentration camps.

I'm not here to quibble with those assertions.


I'm just finding a nice comfy storage facility for my stash.

First up, we have Pastor Anderson defending every man's scrotal sack & his right to dangle it above a toilet rather than in it.

Do you feel enlightened? Just a bit? Come on, be honest, I bet you didn't know that Germany is attempting to force men to squat & wee wee, now didja?

About 1.8 million toilets are already haunted by Spuk, or Spook, as the little $10 device is called. Attached to the underside of the toilet seat, Spuk quietly endures sitting visitors. But anyone trying to lift the seat and attempt to stand and urinate (known as “Stehpinkeln“) should be prepared for the ghost’s unrelenting wrath.

“Hey, stand-peeing is not allowed here and will be punished with fines, so if you don’t want any trouble, you’d best sit down,” one of the devices orders in a voice impersonating the German leader, Chancellor Gerhard Schroder. Another has a voice similar to that of his predecessor, Helmut Kohl.

“Excuse me, but there’s a penalty for peeing while standing in this house,” it warns culprits. “You’d better not risk any problems and sit down!”

Other versions start roaring like a lion or try to persuade stubborn customers with the soothing voice of a female flight attendant

Spuk on the lidPatentwert, the manufacturers of Spuk, say they are ready to direct their gadgets at the British market.

Their prototype English-speaking “WC ghost”: (WC = Water Closet which = toilet), says in an American drawl:

“Don’t you go wetting this floor cowboy, you never know who’s behind you. So sit down, get your water pistol in the bowl where it belongs. Ha, ha, ha.”

Honestly, I don't know if this is true or not. Every site hosting this story seems to reference the same place. One site did give a link to a Daily Telegraph story but that link is long dead.

But that's pretty much irrelevant. It's the subtext that I find interesting.

Next, Pastor Anderson takes issue with anyone who feels that Jesus didn't where pants.

I'm a bit fuzzy on the pants issue. If I'm not mistaken the word "pants" traditionally referred to underwear. Equating it with "slacks" is a fairly recent addition. Anyway, I'm also fairly certain that the first examples of "pants" were worn by both men & women, a bit of transgender hoodoo that would probably make Pastor Anderson quite uncomfortable.

Again though, subtext is the key.

& the key seems to revolve around penis possession.

Personally, I've always found God's gender to be quite fascinating. The idea that the Creator of everything possesses observable genitalia is both amusing & terrifying. (Although it does explain some of my bad days, where I awake instantly feeling as if I've spent hours being slapped in the face with a gigantic scrotal sack.)

The amusing part is self explanatory. (If not, just picture God with his ball sack stuck to His right leg or Goddess affixing a cosmos size sanitary napkin while zapping suns into PMS supernova & I think you'll be on the right track.)

The terrifying part is probably equally self evident given the unquenchable hunger that seems to dominate our little slice of Eden. If God has a cock, it's the cock of a serial rapist &, should He be a She, you know that Goddess' moist over-sized vagina is laced with sharp little teeth just aching for a meaty snack.

But I digress...back to Pastor Anderson.

Honestly, I found that one to be the most shocking. I didn't realize that one could heckle preachers. I think I've found the beginnings of a new hobby.

As for Pastor Anderson, I cling to the small hope that a video of his tazing will one day surface on UTube or Disclose TV. I can't help but feel that his most heartfelt sermonizing occurred there, twitching at the end of a high voltage cable.

Now that I've doled out enough crazy Baptist preacher smack to hook a chess club, I know you'll need more, so you can visit Pastor Anderson at any UTube franchise in your neighborhood or you can hop in your virtual Lexus & drive over to his blog.

Here's a taste from his "Why Most People who are Saved through Soul-winning will not Come to our Church" blog post. I give you reason #7:

7. They are too lazy to come to church.

Because as a church we knock every door in each area we go soul-winning, much of our time is spent knocking doors in slums and ghettos. Many of the people who get saved have very little character and are very unreliable people. Many of them want to come to church and have every intention of coming to church but do not have the character to get themselves out of bed in the morning and drag themselves to church. Many of them can't even hold down a job, let alone come to church on Sunday.

Cheers & Happy Dead God Day!


Anonymous said...

what does this have to do with hopsicker?

just_another_dick said...

Maybe this will help:

If you hop up and down really fast while reading this shit you'll be sicker than you were when you started.

Anonymous said...

humblenotry said...

I'm surprised they did not do a body cavity search on the pastor.

Interesting post Dick. I'm short of time as usual, but the hobby of heckling or standing up and proving preachers to be in error, etc... will get one thrown out of the building for sure.

Respectfully to you Dick, I would not want to be under Pastor Steven's ministry.

When I was living in West Texas, No Country For Old Men, like us, I had an encounter with preachers knocking on my door because I was not seen in church for 2 Sundays.

The statement "They are too lazy to come to church" is an evangelistic tool to make potential church goers feel guilty. They do not mean that. They would rather see one in his underwear sitting in front of the TV eating popcorn than seeing a small gathering of people reading the Bible when they come a knocking on one's door. People reading the Bible does not justify their door to door ministry. A person sitting around watching TV does.

Think about that scene. Knock, knock. Oh you guys are reading the Bible! Huh, well you have other books in the house you need to get rid of. Like this one. Why do you have this in your house. You only need the Bible. These guys only want to control other people in the church and feel good about doing it. If they do not do this, they do not get any pussy. The end. They are basically lame-brained followers of the little provincial governor clown dictator pastor.

So a man who gets caught off guard by the visiting preachers justifies their existence. They prefer that one is too lazy to go to church. This is empowering to them. This is reason for them to rejoice. Praise God, Dick.