Monday, July 16, 2012

2012 Dick Of The Week

I give you the man, the legend, the biggest living cheerleader for the non-existent Cydonia pyramid, Richard C. Hoagland.

Dick has a new schtick these days.

Some know it as APOCALYPSE, others call it the END TIMES, while others refer to it as THE SINGULARITY.

I'm guessing that Mr. Hoagland hitched his horse to the 2012 wagon because the Cydonia pyramid evaporated. I'm assuming that it's much better traveling around speaking to credulous New Agers than it is muttering "Do you want fries with that?" 300 times a day.

According to Dick, he also predicted the election of Barack Obama. He sees Mr. Obama as the promise of JFK reborn. Well, he did when Obama was elected. Now that Obama looks like every other president, as did JFK, his tune might have changed.

 I don't really know. Dick is canny enough to hide most of his secret teachings behind a door that can only be accessed with a credit card decoder key.

But you can see Dick's 4 year old schtick below.

More recently, Dick did another turgid go around on CRACKPOT CENTRAL, or as it is better known, Coast To Coast A.M.

Dick contends, amongst other bits of esoteric woo bait, that the "success of the new movie John Carter [of Mars] is being deliberately sabotaged by a "cabal" that is against the public learning the truth about Mars' ancient civilization and technology."

Alrighty then.

I bet this would all be news to Edgar Rice Burroughs whose impetus for penning the first John Carter story was this:
...if people were paid for writing rot such as I read in some of those magazines, that I could write stories just as rotten. As a matter of fact, although I had never written a story, I knew absolutely that I could write stories just as entertaining and probably a whole lot more so than any I chanced to read in those magazines.
But hey, why should we let facts get in the way of anything. We live in a brave new world where fact & fiction have blended seamlessly into a goulash of tasty wonders. Or, as a psychologist I read years ago and whose name escapes me said,
"Sometimes reality just isn't enough for some people."
 You can listen to Dick freely invent crapola here:


Dick has also invented a 2012 theory that is as unwieldy as it is invented. Dick seems to feel that the Sun is going to align with the Earth and the "galactic equator" on 2012. This may cause huge solar flares, or it may cause the Earth's core to shift out of balance causing the world to flip upside down or a "hyper-dimensional gateway" will open and hordes of our galactic space brothers will stream out & make that morning cup of coffee a distant memory.

Then again, an associate of Dicks, David Willcocks thinks there may be a "hyper-dimensional jump out of our 3-D space-time into a higher aetheric density."

What that mouthful of goop means is utterly beyond my little Dick brain.

Luckily for Big Dick, his audience's grasp of science is even shakier than mine or he wouldn't be able to make a living.

I suppose that, in the end, vagueness will be the wisest course for Dick to follow since he'll still have to bamboozle the same crowd of credulous wankers when the 2012 morning after arrives & they find they still have to go to work.

My favorite bit of Dickian woo science involves something he calls "torsion fields."

"Torsion fields" originally reared their pseudo-scientific heads in the Soviet Union back in the 1980s. They were the invention of a group of Russian scientists led by Anatoly Akimov & Gennady Shipov. They convinced the Russian government that these "torsion fields" could cause "the long range destruction of enemy strategic weapons without contact," along with "psychosocial and biomedical influence on troops & population."

Of course, this was about as true as Dick's moon civilization claims, but they managed to bilk the Soviet government out of 500 million rubles before their theories evaporated like the Cydonia pyramid.

Thankfully for us, Dick has cracked the torsion code by developing a method to measure "torsion fields" by "attaching an old Accutron watch to a Microsoft watch timer and a computer, which generates graphs."

Hell, even I'm impressed that Dick manages to sell that steamy pile of codswallop.

Sadly, the Sun won't be able to cooperate with Dick. It has roughly been in the Galactic equator's neighborhood for about 30 years with its closest position being found in 1998.

But hey, don't lose hope. When the hyper-dimensional rift opens up I've no doubt that the Earth, the Sun & everything else will be sucked backwards in time.

Maybe we'll even overshoot and find ourselves meeting Edgar Rice Burroughs so we can find out, once & for all, how he knew about the secrets of Mar's decimated culture. If all of this has made you feel like a horny tomcat in a field of pussy willows, I suggest that you watch it all happen from the deck of the Mayan Galactic Cruise Ship.

Of course, that costs a lot of money too. But hey, I doubt that there will be collection agencies once we zoom out of 3-D space-time so feel free to max out your credit card.


Jeffrey Dunjan said...

Hoagland, wise man from the east. If earth people are forced by nature to regress to the days before one's own birth, we can produce ourselves without the use of the opposite sex. The prudent will become sex-changed before the great event and find themselves as teenagers and intercourse oneself. Yeah, you have probably read about this before, Dick. But I'm thinking that Hoagland is actually hiding a greater secret then you realize. He is a she.

I theorize that behind his prickly-bearded face lie the eyes of an experienced woman. She is detached, desperate, and worried. Her trump of male dominated society may be intelligent, but if the moon men penetrate her behind she will have lost. She needs to put on her head covering for protection against these invaders. She risks too much when she talks the way she does. I see her consequences as being in the extreme. There is no way out for her.

just_another_dick said...

Mr. B., if I could time travel back to before my birth, I'd abort myself.

A lot less pain that way.