NEW YORK (AP) -- There's Black Friday, then there's Target Tuesday. In a scene that was reminiscent of the deck scene on the sinking Titanic, Target's website crashed several times throughout the day and more than hundred shoppers lined up at many of its stores early in the morning on Tuesday for a chance to conceal their status as life's losers. Many are hoping these shoddily sewn hunks of sweat shop fabric & Chinese plastic will, talisman like, hinder their plummet towards low rent invisibility.
The 400-piece line made by the Italian luxury knitwear designer Missoni exclusively for the cheap chic retailer features its trademark zig-zag patterns for between $2.99 for stationary and $599.99 for patio furniture -- a fraction of the price of the designer's real duds that can cost $595 to $1,500.
This mark-down allows poor, fat, stupid Americans the opportunity to Vogue just like the celebrities they piss their lives away worshiping.
Dodi Pulawski, an underemployed dog groomer from Schenectady said, "Generally I hit the Goodwill store on Tuesday. But this deal was too good to pass up. Me and my friends Nora & Eudora are planning our own Kardashian style photo shoot for Saturday. We're going to upload everything to Facebook. Don't worry y'all, we'll Twitter any updates, so keep a sharp eye."
"This was Missoni mayhem," said Joshua Thomas, a Target spokesman. "This is unprecedented." So-called limited partnerships, in which high-end designers create cheaper versions of their fashions for at[sic] lower-end stores, have become popular in recent years because they appeal to cost-conscious customers who want to be stylist[sic] but aren't willing to pay designer prices. At a time when Americans are watching every dollar they spend, the limited-time offerings are also part of a growing strategy by retailers to spur impulse buys by creating a sense of urgency for shoppers to buy.
We here at AP are always encouraged by our business class. The new & inventive ways American corporations find to sell vacuous, neurotic dip-shits crap they don't need is always a source of patriotic pride to us.