Sunday, September 18, 2011

Wall Street Capitulates

New York, N.Y. (AP)---After an intense weekend surrounded by liberals & their barbed slogans, chants, pamphlets & bumper stickers, Wall Street financiers committed mass suicide today.

Adbuster culture jammers, reached for comment after an intense period of culture jamming, had this to say, "We here at Adbuster Central are both surprised & relieved that Wall Street capitulated so easily. We are surprised because...well, let's face it, a few hundred liberals are about as scary as a few hundred pillows. If the PTB wanted to quash our movement they would just have to confiscate our laptops & smart phones & deny us the instant gratification that we've become addicted to with our obsessive Internet noodling. After all, our clever use of media imagery only makes sense if our audience is obsessively immersed in the very culture we're trying to jam. In one fell swoop they would reduce our protest to a fetal lump of hyperventilating & twitching addicts in withdrawal.

"We're relieved because it only dawned on us 2 days ago that our plan was so idiotic as to beggar belief. Seriously, we originally wanted people to occupy Wall Street for months. Now, unless one is wealthy enough to find employment completely unnecessary or one just happens to be a Breatharian, then there is no way in Hell that you could just set up a tent on Wall Street & expect to live long. Of course, one could always hunt New Yorkers, but we all know human flesh is, shall we say, an acquired taste.

"Then there's the weather. By-passing the summer months & scheduling our multi-month occupation on the footsteps of winter was an epic example of twee dipshittery. In our defense, we're liberals & entirely impractical by nature. We think we can stomp our feet & chant & type on the Internet and gooey goodness will just fall from the clouds. We bandy about meaningless phrases like "their hearts & minds are in the right place," & we create absurd conspiracy theories that have 80 year old men crashing their planes just so a bunch passive aggressive liberals won't get any TV time.
In other words, we're as bug-fuck as our right wing mirror images.
But Jehezius Christ, have you seen New York winters lately? We began to fear that all we'd end up with is a Borg-like hunk of lefty popsicles.

"We always knew a bunch of youngsters would show up. But one must always remember that many idealistic young 60s liberals found a very lucrative home on Wall Street once they matured into adulthood. As will many of these youngsters should our plan to turn Wall Street into a food bank go astray. It's inevitable. I'd even imagine that many of those 60's flower children are exuberant architects of our current crisis.

"In the end, we realized that, at best, we offered little more than a chance for modern lefties to play dress up & make believe in their very own pseudo "Eyes On The Prize" moment for a few months."

Dick Cheney, long a proponent of the Free Market principles of excess greed that have enriched a few while creating the excess envy that permeates everyone else, took a break from shooting chained bald eagles with a bazooka on an undisclosed ranch in Wyoming to say, "Fuck 'em!"

Ronald Reagan's moldering corpse was exhumed from a crawlspace beneath Newt Gingrich's bed when Mr. Gingrich heard the sad news about the dead financiers. Amidst frequent bouts of confusion, Mr. Reagan-Corpse was able to tell this reporter, "My heart tells me 'no,' but the facts say 'yes.'

AP attempted to reach former president George W. Bush at his ranch in Texas but he was involved in a classified "brush clearing" expedition in one of the more remote areas of his ranch.

President Obama was equally incommunicado as he spent the weekend starring in his old high school's production of "The Jazz Singer."


Morocco Bama said...

Perfect. My sentiments, exactly.

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