JOHN THOMAS, TEXAS (AP)--"[Republican front runner] Rick [Perry] always tried to make his mark on the world," said babysitter Ida Frump.
Ms. Frump, speaking in front of her husband's border wall mock-up made entirely out of matchsticks, reminisced about her days shepherding a young Rick Perry through the tangled toddler minefield of Kindergarten, potty training & art history.
"God, the boy loved to paint," elaborated Ms. Frump. "He'd use any medium at hand to express himself. I remember one morning, back when Rick was knee high to a grasshopper, that my husband Eustace Oliander Frump was out in the shed removing the innards from a freshly flattened hunk of raccoon roadkill, and little Ricky wandered in from his drum lesson. The boy took in an eyeful of all that gorey gooey goodness and, quick as a flash, he had his hand stuck in up to wrists and was furiously painting an elaborate surrealist masterpiece we later referred to as "The Persistence Of Beaner Leeches.
"Eustace & I are just tickled pink that little Ricky will be our next president. Personally, I couldn't think of anyone more ably qualified to take our red, white & blue lump of shit & transform it into something that you'd want to hang in your living room right over your Martha Stewart couch covers."